What the Cab Light Theory Misses About Dating and Marriage

Key takeaways

• The theory: A viral clip claims men are like taxis, and the next woman who gets in when the light comes on is the one they commit to.
• People want different things: Adam says each person looks for what matters most to them, and that is not always loyalty.
• Free access removes the urgency: Adam argues that a man who already receives the benefits of marriage has little reason to ask the question.
• Ask early: Adam and Ashley encourage dating adults to talk about marriage and family plans from the start.
• The hosts disagree on "leading on": Ashley sees real misleading in courting and moving in together, while Adam sees a man taking what is offered.
• Fresh starts exist: Couples who began wrongly can still find restoration in Jesus.

A viral clip about taxis

Pastor Adam Mesa and his wife Ashley opened this Beyond I Do episode with some friendly teasing about their morning. Then they turned to a topic Ashley had brought: the "cab light theory." Adam had never heard of it.

Andy ran the clip. A woman asks a man why he married someone else six months after they broke up, when he had told her he wasn't ready. His answer is that men are like taxis: when the light comes on, they are suddenly ready, and the next woman who gets in is the one they commit to. She replies that the right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.

Adam noted that one man was playing both voices. He said the idea is about men, that women usually look for different things, and that how a man is raised shapes what he wants.

Adam's own version of the story

Ashley suggested something like this had happened to Adam. He said it hadn't, then told the story of his college girlfriend. They dated four years and were essentially engaged: she picked her ring and he put a deposit on it.

After a spring break trip to Europe with his brother, she grew distant and stopped answering him. About three months later, his middle brother, Caleb, saw her at Disneyland holding hands and kissing another guy. Within about 30 days she was engaged, and they married that year, at 21, though she had said she wanted to finish her master's first.

When Adam later asked what changed, she told him the new man was patient and listed other qualities. His conclusion was that every person looks for something important to them, often without knowing it. For some it is loyalty, for others passion and fun or physical attraction. He applies the same idea to marriage: couples do well to keep talking about what they fell in love with.

What Adam and Ashley were each looking for

Adam said he dated several women in the two years after that breakup and found some of them pretty. Ashley was the first whose passion and drive matched what mattered most to him. She told him she wanted to play soccer in Europe and work with special needs kids, and she was in school with a midnight job. He decided he wanted to pursue her.

Ashley described a different background. She had dated someone through most of college, and when she ended it, he moved on quickly. Another ex sent a text saying it wasn't her, it was him. She stepped back from dating for a while. In that season she had believed that giving physical intimacy was how you kept a man, and she later had to let go of that. She said those cycles are why some women hesitate to get into the car even when a man's light is on.

Then she met Adam. She told him he was "the first person that has ever said I'm praying for you." He told her he was praying for her through exams and travel, and that even if they didn't last, he wanted her as a friend for life. She noticed he carried himself without ego, and she decided there were humble men in the world after all.

They were also honest about their dos and don'ts. Ashley told Adam she could get an attitude, and he thanked her for saying so. They were engaged in 12 months and married in 24. They are going on 10 years married and 12 years together.

Why a relationship can stall without a next step

Ashley asked what a man is really after when he dates for years and then moves on. Does he want comfort, companionship or someone to lift him up, and why aren't those questions sparking conversation?

Adam answered that people nowadays have little self-discipline. Speaking as a pastor to believers, he said, "9 times out of 10, that guy is getting everything he wants from a marriage for free." With that arrangement in place, he said, nothing pushes the man toward the next step.

Adam pointed to the biblical teaching that the marriage bed is sacred. He separated couples who struggle, make mistakes and repent from Christian couples who show no conviction at all, and he said he has no empathy for the second group wondering why marriage hasn't come. When couples ask him for advice, he tells them to abstain and set curfews, as he and Ashley did. Some men, he said, decide to marry quickly once that access is no longer freely available, and he does not see that as a trick.

Who is leading whom on?

The hosts disagreed on whether a man who moves a woman in and introduces her to his family is leading her on. Ashley said that courting her, showing her off and bringing her to Christmas and Thanksgiving create a false sense of security. She remembered that being invited to meet Adam's family felt serious.

Adam said moving in lets a man collect the benefits without signing the contract. He called it hedonism and said, "That is what young men who are not men do. They want everything without responsibility." He added that for many men, introducing a girlfriend to family means little, and a different woman may be there next year.

In his view, misleading would be a man who says he wants to commit and then acts the opposite way. If a woman asks what the relationship is and he says he doesn't know, or suggests taking it day by day, Adam sees a warning sign.

Ask the question early

Adam encouraged dating adults to talk about marriage from the beginning. He does not expect a 19-year-old to ask when the wedding will be, and he grew up around teaching that being unmarried at 21 meant something was wrong, which he disagrees with. Once adulthood arrives, he said, the seriousness of the relationship should come up. When he met Ashley, he was 23 and she was 25. He had a house and a job, so nothing stood in the way of marrying her.

He shared how his sister-in-law handles dating: she asks about faith and plans for children early, and if the answer is no, she thanks the man for the date and calls an Uber. Adam wondered what would happen if women started that in their early twenties.

He also challenged the checklist in a person's head. Women often marry someone different from the man they pictured, he said, once they get past vanity. He told of a woman at church who said she could not find a guy, yet nine or ten men had asked her to coffee in two weeks and she went with none. His response was that "you can't say you can't find a guy when men are trying to approach you."

Adam and Ashley also spoke to engaged couples who delay the wedding only to afford it. They suggested marrying at the courthouse and holding the celebration later. Adam said probably about 30 percent of the couples he marries now have done this. He added that it does not apply to those still finishing school or living far apart, and that couples should still do premarital counseling.

What this means for you

Adam admitted that he and Ashley did not begin their lives well. Their issues with each other, he said, come mostly from what they did before they met. He knows he is hard on men, and he said so himself, but he does not tell women to settle for them.

He also offered hope. Couples come to him saying they have dated three years, just got saved and haven't done it right. He told them there is mercy and redemption, and "there's always an opportunity to have a fresh start" when both people seek restoration in Jesus.

If you are dating, consider whether you have asked, kindly and plainly, what this relationship is and where it is going. Think about what you want most in a spouse, and whether your list is about character or vanity. Adam closed by saying that the more people walk with God, the more God makes himself known and intervenes, so it makes sense to seek his way before waiting for a light to come on.