Why We Hurt the People We Love Most: A Marriage Conversation

Key takeaways

• Closeness lowers our guard. Pastor Adam says we tend to show our worst side to the people who are least likely to walk away.
• Winning an argument costs something. He names selfishness and the wish to win as a common root of marriage fights.
• Humor can be misread. A joking personality can leave people unsure whether a comment is kind or cutting.
• Hurt takes different forms. Some people raise their voices, some use sharp words, and some go cold and silent.
• Growth can come in more than one way. Adam believes God can heal, and that counseling can also help us understand where our reactions come from.

A fight Adam still remembers

The conversation on Beyond I Do starts out light, with birthday banter, a church conference that falls on the week of Adam and Ashley's birthdays and anniversary, and plenty of teasing. Then it turns serious. Adam describes the last big fight in their marriage, which he says happened in January, about ten months before the recording.

They were out with friends: his brother and his wife, his best friend and his wife, and Ashley's sister, who happened to be at the hotel. Adam says the other wives were affectionate with their husbands, while Ashley sat in a different chair. He told her he was frustrated that people might think they were only friends, when he says they have a great marriage. Ashley did not think she had done anything wrong.

The argument carried into the next day. Adam says Ashley kept trying to draw him into a louder fight, and he refused to match her. He was honest about his part too, saying that maybe he started it by sharing his opinion at the wrong time. Their friends, he says, later told Ashley to stop.

Why the people closest to us get our worst

Adam says his own habits show up differently depending on who is in front of him. Growing up in church, he saw people come in and out of his life, and he developed a way to switch off emotionally and cut people off. He can do that with almost anyone. The exceptions, he says, are Ashley and their boys.

Later he gives Ashley a broader explanation for why spouses, parents and siblings so often take the brunt. As Adam put it, "We tend to let people who are the close to us see the worst side of us." He adds that we feel safe exposing our unhealthy sides to them because we assume they will forgive us. They are not going anywhere, and family will protect us.

Notice what that explanation includes: a quiet assumption that love will absorb whatever we throw at it. You may want to ask yourself who gets your patience and who gets what is left over.

The wish to win

Adam asks the question many couples ask after a fight: why do we argue the way we do, and why do we poke at each other? His answer is plain. "We're selfish people, and we just wanna win," he says, and he describes how a husband and wife can treat a disagreement as a competition. If one person proves every reason the other is wrong, he says, the winner expects an apology and a move forward.

He includes himself in that, saying we have all fallen short of this in marriage. He also says he does not know many people who will simply bow out of an argument when they believe they have the facts. Ashley's version, he says, is to let it all out until he is as angry as she is. His own response is to hold back, which he admits made her angrier.

Humor that lands the wrong way

A large part of the episode is about Ashley's sense of humor. Adam says she tends to joke in serious moments, and that friends have told her things like "Ashley, don't say that," because it can sound as if she does not love her husband. Someone who did not know her might think she was mean.

Adam does not say she should stop being funny. He says she should not be told she is not taken seriously. In his words, "It's that they can't tell if what you're saying is honest or you joking." Alize, who works for Ashley, describes the same style from the receiving end. When Alize makes a mistake, Ashley will be serious about it and then add a joke so the room does not feel too heavy, and Alize leaves feeling better.

Ashley says she often does not recognize what is offensive until after she says it. Then she feels conviction and goes back to say she did not mean it that way. Adam also points out that she can be sensitive when she hears a comment as unkind, and he has often told her that people did not mean it the way she took it.

Sharp words and the cold shoulder

Adam says that when he calls Ashley angry, he is not describing a person who explodes. He says she can use stronger words that sting, especially with siblings, and that her way of coping is to ignore people or give the cold shoulder. He says many men and women struggle in this same way, and that family forgives because they love her.

He suggests that some of what drives this may be insecurity, and that a counselor could help her find out. He also notes that people can have the same environment growing up and end up with very different roots. His own pattern, he says, is to avoid asking anyone for help because he does not want to let anyone down.

More than one way to grow

Adam encourages Ashley to consider counseling in her forties. She admits it makes her nervous because she does not want to go to those places. He answers that this is why it matters. He mentions that his own doctor told him he has anxiety and recommended therapy, and that he had told Ashley he thought it would be good for her as well.

When the question of prayer comes up, he does not set faith against help. "Sometimes he works miracles. Other times he works through natural courses," Adam says, comparing it to someone with an illness who can pray for healing and also stop eating unhealthy food.

Ashley jokes that growth might make her less funny. Adam says the opposite would be true: "Your best parts would be exaggerated, and your worst parts would be diminished."

What this means for you

This conversation never settles into a tidy answer, and much of it is playful teasing between two people who clearly like each other. Still, a few questions are worth taking from it. Who in your life sees the version of you that you hide from everyone else? When you argue, are you trying to understand the other person or to win?

You might also ask whether your humor, your silence or your sharp words leave someone unsure where they stand. If you see yourself in any of that, the conversation points to a hopeful step: ask for help. That can mean prayer, a trusted friend or a counselor, and Adam sees room for all of them.