Why Dating Feels Harder Now and What Singles Can Do About It

Key takeaways

• Shared spaces have shrunk. Fewer people spend time where friendship and attraction can grow slowly, so the pool of people you meet is smaller.
• Social media bends expectations. Men and women both absorb messages about approaching, being approached and what a relationship should look like.
• Apps can work, but character is hard to see. A profile cannot tell you who a person really is.
• Be approachable and go first. Adam's closest friendship began with an offer to buy a pizza.
• The system and you both play a part. Standards, commitment and character matter alongside the dating culture around you.
• Dating on a budget is possible. Adam and Ashley's early dates were cheap, and they say drive and planning matter more than an expensive dinner.

Questions pulled from the internet

On the Beyond I Do podcast, Adam Mesa and his wife Ashley set marriage aside for one episode to talk with the singles who listen. Adam had an AI research tool look through Reddit, blogs and message boards and gather the top ten questions single people are asking. He said plainly that he and Ashley are not singles experts, and the team in the studio joined the conversation.

The first question was why dating feels so much harder than it did ten years ago. Adam and Ashley started dating thirteen years ago, so they compared that season with today.

Social media and the loss of shared spaces

Adam recalled that when he and Ashley began dating, social media was only starting to rise. Facebook had only recently opened beyond college students, and Instagram was new. Today, he said, people see everyone else's life through a phone, and relationships on those platforms tend to look either glamorous or broken by divorce and cheating. Swiping, in the group's view, also makes it easier to keep several people in play.

Adam's main reason went deeper. He pointed to third spaces, the everyday places outside home and work where people simply spend time around each other. When he was in college, a free night meant going out with friends or serving at church. Now entertainment at home is easier to reach than ever. As he put it, "college is the last third space for this generation."

He described a Friday night spent bingeing a show and trading messages with friends. In his words, "you're living more isolated than ever while fooling yourself and thinking that you are more relationally connected than ever because of social media, and it's just simply not true." Adam makes a habit of sitting in a coffee shop without his phone, and he said people often come over to talk because he looks open to conversation.

Men told not to approach, women told to wait

Adam sees another change in what men hear. Social media, in his view, tells good men to leave women alone unless the woman is already interested, and he asked how a man could know that without speaking. Thirteen years ago he messaged Ashley on Facebook and arranged a coffee, and nothing in the culture told him that approaching a woman was wrong.

Ashley described clips of men getting a cold look in clubs and said a woman can at least say hello kindly. Adam agreed on kindness but said a club is not a third space, since a third space should be sober enough to let you observe a person. He added that a man who needs a drink to find the courage to ask someone out will struggle with harder things inside a relationship.

Do dating apps work?

The next question asked whether to quit dating apps, since many people describe burnout and are turning to matchmakers, friend setups and in-person meetups. Adam told of a sister-in-law who went on countless dates with men whose profiles said "man of God" and quoted a Bible verse. One asked her back to his place on the first date, and another admitted his last church visit was during COVID.

Adam also mentioned ads for AI tools that write your first message, and he thought that made for a strange first date once the tool is gone. Still, he knows people in their church who met the love of their life through an app, though they did not enjoy the many bad dates before the good one. Ashley sees nothing wrong with apps and said it depends on how you use them. She suggested leaning into the Holy Spirit, trying one coffee date, and moving on if nothing sparks.

Where to meet people, and how to be approachable

Asked where to meet people once school is over, the group came back to third spaces. Adam called church the greatest of them and said there is data behind people meeting their spouses there, especially when they serve or join a small group. Serving beside someone lets you notice how they treat others. The group also named gym classes, run clubs, pottery classes, art studios and work.

Adam added that church people are imperfect and he has not kept every friend he made there. If one group hurts you, he tells people to try another small group or serving team. His principle: if you "want to be approached for friendship, dating, or whatever, make sure that you're a person that's approachable."

He told a story from college. After transferring schools, he learned on his first day that his roommate Blaze had seven friends staying over before a trip to Israel. Adam badly wanted friends and knew nothing about sports, so he looked up who was playing and asked two of the visitors, including Heron, to come watch the game at Round Table. He said he was going to buy a large pizza he could not finish alone. They said yes, and sixteen years later Heron is a pastor at their church and Adam's oldest, closest friend. Adam's point was that friendship and romance both take a willingness to go out of your way and risk some awkwardness.

Am I the problem, or is the system broken?

Ashley answered the next question with a joke: you are the problem. She mentioned a TikTok trend where friends roast why someone is single. Then she gave a fuller answer. A single person is not the whole problem, she said, but how you present yourself and whether your standards are too high both matter. No one will marry someone perfect, and attraction has to go deeper than looks.

Adam said the answer is both. The system is broken, he said, because fewer people are committed, fewer are clear about what they want, and social media has led many to believe everything in life is attainable. Individuals still have to decide what is valuable in a relationship and where they will take a chance.

He gave his own example. For the first six or seven years of his faith, he was determined to marry a woman with no past, and the women he met with that checklist did not click. Eventually he told God he was open to someone with a past. He met Ashley, who had a past and also a love for God. Their marriage was not perfect at the start, he said, but they were rooted in their relationship with God.

Can you afford to date?

The last question cited a report in which fifty-two percent of young adults named money as a top obstacle to dating. Adam said the system is broken here too. When he was twenty-three and Ashley was twenty-five, their dates were matinees, an occasional In-N-Out and perhaps one nice restaurant. Movies were cheaper then, but he said an outing can still be simple: a smoothie, a coffee, a picnic on the Santa Monica pier, a cheap movie night, or happy hour burgers.

He also said part of the cost is character. When he talks with young men, he asks about their goals and their plan if they marry and have children, and he worries that some are chasing quick money in crypto or betting. In his words, "Bare minimum for a man is to have a job, work hard, and provide for your family." When he wanted to marry Ashley, he said yes to extra marketing work alongside his ministry job.

What this means for you

If you are single and tired, the conversation offers a few places to start. Put yourself where people spend time together over weeks, such as a church team, a small group or a class. Look up from your phone, say hello, and try a different group if the first one is not a fit.

Look at your own list as well. Faith, character and a work ethic are worth wanting, and you may find some of your other requirements are only preferences. Keep dates small and affordable, and let attraction grow over time.