What Makes a Great Husband? Lessons From a Marriage Podcast

Key takeaways

• Love shows up in sickness. Chuck Swindoll's daily care for his wife, who has dementia, gave the hosts a picture of wedding vows to stay in sickness and in health lived out.
• Say it and plan for it. Swindoll urged husbands to tell their wives often what they mean to them and to set aside time for romance.
• Lasting marriages take work. Adam pointed to the advice older pastors keep repeating: forgive often, be selfless, and appreciate your spouse.
• Apology and kind honesty matter. Wives in the clip named apologizing and speaking up with kindness among the things their husbands do well.
• Help looks different in every home. Adam admitted he rarely changed diapers, and Ashley listed what he did instead.
• Family comes after God. Adam described his purpose as his family, pursued through contentment and peace more than happiness.

A small milestone and a bigger question

This episode of the Beyond I Do podcast, with Pastor Adam Mesa and his wife Ashley, opened with banter. Ashley was trying out new Meta glasses, and Nancy, Andy and Josh were in the room too. Adam then announced a milestone after 13 years together and 11 years of marriage: he had taken out Ashley's weave for the first time, with pliers, because it was beaded in.

Adam said it was not much fun. Ashley said it was not hard, only slow and irritating, and that he was in the middle of a movie. From there Adam turned to what he had actually prepared: two videos about what makes a man a good husband.

Chuck Swindoll on loving a wife with dementia

The first clip was Pastor Chuck Swindoll, who Adam said is in his nineties, speaking on Greg Laurie's podcast about his wife. She has dementia. Swindoll described how he cares for her: "I hold her in my arms every day. I caress her. I tell her what she means to me."

His advice to younger husbands was just as plain: "Set aside time for romance." He told them to splurge on a weekend or two a year, and to tell their wives it is for them, because she may not always be as she is today and you will never forget those times.

The hosts called it the form of sickness and health that marriage vows promise. They talked about men who say they have no time to care for a sick spouse, and about people who decide a spouse's illness frees them to live their own lives. Ashley remembered that when her dad had cancer, her family did not treat each day as the last. They lived each day fully and built memories while he was still here. The conversation held that a spouse who becomes ill is still the person you married.

The fruit of old age takes work

Adam noticed what stood out in Swindoll's words: how much he adored and appreciated his wife, and how he wanted to repay her faithfulness and her mothering with trips he could not fully repay. Swindoll's children have been able to join some of those trips and carry the memories too.

Adam then warned against admiring the result without the effort. People look at a marriage like Swindoll's and want it, but they cannot see behind the scenes, and no marriage is free of arguments and different temperaments. Many want the fruit of old age without the work, Adam said, and some move through two, three or four marriages chasing it.

When he asks older pastors how to make it that far, he hears the same thing each time. As Adam put it, "you need to forgive often. You need to be selfless as possible, and you need to appreciate the things that your spouse does." It is hard to do, he said, though it is not complicated to understand.

What happy wives say their husbands do differently

The second video was a thread of replies to the question of what a husband does right or differently from most men, and Adam read answers aloud. The first was apologizing, including a willingness to say sorry for tone, for a reaction or for a decision made without listening. The hosts said that apology is hard because it is vulnerable, and that a marriage works better as a team than as a tally of who has been wrong.

Another answer praised a husband who speaks up in kindness. Ashley gave an example from the day before. She came home from the gym to a mess, a dog that had thrown up on some clothes, and an attitude. She asked Adam whether he had seen it and left it there. He answered with a question of his own, and when she said maybe, he told her from another room to stop being a jerk. She was offended, then went quiet, then decided he was right. She said his honesty checked her without escalating anything.

The thread also praised patience, emotional intelligence, a husband who never raises his voice, and a husband who decides things with his wife, from money to visitors. One top comment was that her husband has no social media. The hosts questioned that one. Ashley said she keeps a TikTok to scroll and laugh. Their view was that the real issue is trust: where trust is lacking, a person can get into trouble with or without social media.

Help that does not look like diaper duty

One reply praised a husband who woke up with her every time their newborn did. Ashley laughed that she wanted her alone time with the baby. Adam said that when couples expecting a baby ask him for advice, he hesitates, because his own record is thin. He told them, "I think I've changed 3 diapers," and he added that he bottle-fed their first son maybe twice.

Ashley pushed back with a list. Adam kept the diapers, wipes, ointment, bottles and pacifiers stocked. He offered to run to Target on his way home. He bought trays so she could freeze her milk flat. Adam said he had never viewed it that way.

When Ashley was diagnosed with postpartum hyperthyroidism, she lost 45 pounds in 30 days and could not lift the car seat. They were living with her parents then, and their son was about six months old. Adam met her in the garage to carry the car seat up the stairs, and at night he picked the baby up and placed him in her arms. For Ashley, the point was that the help was real even when it was not the help people expect.

Purpose, happiness and providing

The last comments Adam read described a husband whose purpose is to give his kids a happy mother and a stable home. Ashley bristled at the idea that her husband's purpose is to make her happy. Adam agreed in part. He is a believer and said his relationship with God comes first. After that, he said, "I do believe my purpose and my priority, responsibility is my family."

He added that this would come through contentment and peace in the home more than through happiness, since happiness can depend on outside circumstances. He also admitted that married men know life goes better when their wives are happy.

The hosts then spent some time on stay-at-home dads. Adam said it is appropriate for a season, but as the permanent shape of a marriage he considers it unhealthy, because he believes God made men to cover and provide. He does not think a husband must out-earn his wife. If a couple is unified and in agreement and no sin is involved, he believes God will show grace. He would still want to ask how decisions and disagreements work and whether the wife is comfortable with the arrangement.

What this means for you

If you are a husband, the lessons here are small and daily. Tell your wife what she means to you, and put dates on the calendar for romance, since Swindoll's counsel was to do it while you can. Apologize without keeping score, and speak honestly with kindness.

Look at the help you give and ask whether it is the help she needs. Ashley's list shows that a husband may be doing more than he realizes, and the story of her illness shows that sometimes the work is carrying a car seat up the stairs.

If you are single or newly married, notice the habits older couples name: forgiving often, being selfless and appreciating each other. No clip or thread in this conversation described a perfect marriage. They described people who keep doing small things well for a long time, and that is something you can start this week.