Why Your Spouse Listens to Friends and How to Respond

Key takeaways

• Respect is earned. The hosts heard a husband in a viral clip asking for authority, and they talked about what it takes to be worthy of respect.
• Be careful who hears your marriage struggles. Ashley Mesa says a friend who dislikes your spouse is the wrong person to confide in.
• Know why you are talking. Before sharing a frustration, ask whether you want to be proven right or to be corrected.
• A friend's call is not a ranking. Adam Mesa explains why his wife's easy laughter with her sister did not mean she valued her more than him.
• Let some things go. Not every irritation needs to be spoken, and owning your own part helps the other person do the same.

A clip about respect and friends

In this episode of the Beyond I Do podcast, Adam Mesa and his wife Ashley sat down after Thanksgiving to react to a clip many people have seen online. In it, a husband says his wife respects and appreciates her friends more than she respects him.

Adam explained that the video gives more context near the end. The man admits that his wife pays the bills and that he manages the household finances. The clip closes with more and more people talking over one another.

Adam said he has heard versions of this from people before: a husband who seems to get along better with his friends, or a wife who values her friends' opinions above her husband's. He wanted to talk about it because the feeling is common, and people are often hurt by it.

Authority is not the same as respect

Both hosts heard something in the clip beyond hurt feelings. In their reading, the man wanted his wife to listen to him with no interjection, no accountability and no outside voices. Adam said respect in a marriage is earned, through kindness, affirmation, love and even the way you correct someone.

Ashley asked what accountability the husband was taking himself. If he only voices his opinions about what she should do and she rejects them, she might be taking the matter to her friends with humility. She might also be gossiping to be proven right. The clip does not say which.

Adam added a guess of his own: the couple are probably different in personality, with a wife who talks and processes and a husband who wants to be heard. He asked what the man is doing to be worthy of respect. Even if his wife is the main breadwinner, Adam said, a husband can still earn her respect by upholding his end of leadership in the home.

Guarding your spouse's character

Ashley spoke from her own marriage. She said she respects her husband and views him as the headship of their home, and she believes the enemy wants to get a foot in the door of any marriage. That is why she is careful about what she shares with friends. As she put it, "my job as a wife too is still to protect my husband's character."

She warned that a friend with history, a friend who has seen discord, or a friend who really does not like your husband is the wrong person to hear the struggles of a marriage in rebuilding. If someone has already seen him at his worst, she asked, why would you be shocked when they react badly again?

She also said many women enjoy processing aloud, so she asks herself what her end goal is. Is she sharing to be right, or to be corrected? In her own life, she said, "anything I share, I'm getting corrected." She added that she rarely has friends who are yes men.

Ashley passed along a piece of advice from her mother. If you tell a friend that your husband leaves the toilet seat up (her hypothetical example), do not leave the story there. Say that he also takes care of you and is kind and generous. Do not leave people hearing only the one negative thing that irritates you.

The Christmas tree night

Adam then offered a live example from the same week. Ashley was setting up the Christmas tree while he watched a movie. A couple of times he came over to hug her, and once she nudged him away. She was short with their sons, who kept coming by the tree.

When Adam took their son Thomas to bed, Ashley's sister called on FaceTime. According to Adam, Ashley sat on the stairs for about 45 minutes, laughing and showing her the tree. He told her it struck him as unfair: she had seemed too rushed for her family, and then the right person called and time seemed to stop.

Ashley's account was different from what it looked like. She said, "My tree was not coming out how I envisioned it." She had stopped working because there was nothing more she could do with what she had on hand, and she needed more fillers. Her sister suggested pine cones and ribbon, and Ashley wanted exactly that kind of help. Adam had told her the tree was the best ever, which did not help her process it.

Why a sister's call is not a ranking

Adam was clear that he did not conclude that Ashley liked her sister more than him. What bothered him was the sudden change from busy to free. He told himself the two situations are not the same. Her sister gets a recap of her day. She and Adam would be going to bed together and would have pillow talk later.

Adam also said he knows Ashley's sister can talk with her about things he does not care about, and that his wife knows this too. He said he is thankful his wife has a community she enjoys. He feels the same about his friend Heron, with whom he does not have to filter himself.

The couple joked that Ashley talks about hair, nails, food, driving and the boys, and that Adam's topics lose her quickly. Ashley said she knows not to call him for an hour on a long drive home. Adam said that if she did not have friends, all that talking would land on him and he would be short with her. His advice is to have friends and have community.

Owning your part and letting things go

Adam said that night did not end with them going to bed upset. They had time together later, and he had moved on. He described marriage as "a daily dance in marriage of deciding what you're going to take personal and what you're not going to take personal." If you are good at forgiving and moving forward, he said, "you don't always have to vocalize every time you have an issue." You can process it and release it.

Ashley did not brush off his account. "I can own up to when I'm wrong in the situation as well," she said. She told him she had been in a short-tempered stretch that weekend, after something had hurt her, and that she knew it was not acceptable. She said having a husband who lets things go but is also willing to say when he was annoyed makes her more mindful of how she treats everyone around her.

They said they check in with each other once or twice a week. The aim is not to get sympathy but to say where each of them is and to be held accountable for words and actions. Ashley said she told Adam she was not going into work until 1 o'clock, and he asked her not to go in anywhere before then. That made her realize she is hard to live with when she does not rest.

Near the end, her sister called again mid-recording, this time to show the cookies she was baking. The hosts laughed about it and wrapped up the episode so Ashley could return the call.

What this means for you

If your spouse seems closer to friends than to you, the Mesas suggest asking some honest questions before you decide what it means. Are you looking for respect, or for control? What have you done lately to be someone worth listening to?

If you are the one who talks to friends, ask who is hearing about your marriage. Are they for it, and do they care about your spouse's character as you do? Are you sharing to be right, or to be corrected?

Finally, remember that a friend can fill a role that your spouse does not. Choose what to take personally, let go of what you can, and be quick to own your part when you were short.