What Two Pastors Believed About Marriage Before They Lived It

Key takeaways

• Early expectations get tested. Both pastors walked into marriage expecting something easier than what they found.
• Faith does not erase baggage. Adam assumed that loving Jesus meant the past stayed in the past, and he now calls that naive.
• Where you argue matters. Adam says a fight that follows someone into their safe space turns defensive quickly.
• One question on a regular date helps. Asking "How can I be a better husband?" or "How can I be a better wife?" has changed how the Mesas talk.
• Avoided conversations cost something. The Mesas say they learned some of their hardest lessons through experience instead of wisdom.

A flu week and a list of questions

Pastor Adam Mesa and his wife, Pastor Ashley Mesa, recorded this Valentine's week episode of Beyond I Do while Adam was coming off a flu. Ashley described keeping the boys away from him, taking immunity shots and sanitizing the house so that one sick person did not turn into a whole household. She also praised how well she and others had protected his rest.

Adam had written a set of questions for the two of them to answer, with some help from AI to give them a framework. Ashley had not seen them. He hoped couples would try them at home, and he said one of the things people value most about the show is that it opens doors for conversations in their own relationships.

The first set was called "then, now, next." What did you believe about marriage when we first got married? What has surprised you most? What do you hope it looks like in five to ten years?

Bliss and a conflict free marriage

Ashley went first. As she put it, "I honestly believed when we first got married that our first year was going to be bliss." She pictured best friends who knew each other inside and out, living at Disneyland every day. What she met instead was insecurity and her past showing up in the marriage.

Adam had his own version. In his words, "I thought you could have a conflict free marriage." He described it as a hopeful but naive approach: if two people loved Jesus and were willing to work, he figured the baggage each of them carried from earlier relationships would simply be gone.

Looking back, he said he would have asked more questions while they were dating, and they did not find mentors until after the wedding. Still, he knows how hard it is to see faults when you are in love. His advice to couples is to prepare for trouble ahead of time. He compared it to a nuclear facility, where workers do not practice on a real leak but follow a handbook. He said that when he and Ashley married, they were quick to adapt and follow a plan for their problems, which helped them get healthier sooner than other couples they knew.

What surprised them most

For Ashley the surprise was Adam's patience. She said, "The patience this guy has for me is insane." When you date, she explained, nobody calls you out on your quirks. Being loved in a real marriage, flaws included, went beyond what she expected.

Adam was surprised that motherhood turned out to be Ashley's greatest strength. He knew she had worked with children with special needs, and he had seen her care for them. What drew him to her was her drive and energy for life. He did not think to check whether she would be a great mom, and he now says it is her number one strength.

Both hope the next ten years look much like now. Ashley described healthy conversations and the ability to return to hard ones they did not want to have, and she hopes they keep gaining wisdom to love each other well. Adam added that he has watched couples slide back to their early years of struggle, and he does not want a good season to turn out to be just a season.

Where to argue and what to ask

Adam shared a lesson from their first years. Dogs are territorial, he said, so you never introduce a new dog on one dog's turf. People are similar. When an argument starts, each person tends to retreat to a safe place, such as the garage, the kitchen or the bedroom. If the other spouse follows to prove a point, the person being followed protects their space, and everything becomes defensive.

He also questioned the advice he grew up hearing, that couples should argue behind a closed bedroom door. The bedroom is where he rests and recharges, and he does not want it to become a place where he wonders what is coming when the door shuts.

The habit that helped most, he said, was a date at least monthly (weekly would be better) with one question at the table: how can I be a better husband, or a better wife? They started it about nine years ago. For the first four or five years each of them had a list ready. Now it can take Adam time to think of an answer, and he has stopped taking some of Ashley's quirks personally. He says that is the shift he wishes for every couple. Ashley added that the date nights are still needed.

Their arguments have changed too. Adam said, "Do we argue? Yes. Do we get annoyed of each other? Yes." But they are rarely loud and passionate anymore, and they can bring things up at home because they no longer get so defensive.

The conversations they avoided

Adam's next question asked about a hard conversation they did not want to have early on. Ashley named his friend group. She said she was the outsider coming in, and when she shared concerns about his friends, he told her to leave it alone. She says she did not take it as a red flag, because she could see that he loved hard. She was only trying to protect him, but as a girlfriend of six months she felt she carried little weight, and they never had that conversation.

Adam named three big challenges: his strong desire for brotherhood, Ashley's unhealthy need to please her family, and their physical intimacy. He said you can learn through wisdom or through experience, and they learned through experience. Her family identity hurt the least. The friendships and the intimacy both had to hit rock bottom, and one of them took seven years.

What they got wrong about each other

The last exercise asked each to finish a sentence: I thought you were this, but you are actually that. Ashley had assumed Adam was holy and anointed, maybe like a priest who would read all her mail and judge her. She found a normal person. Adam said people who meet them often react the same way, and he thinks that is why people watch.

He also described the man she was imagining. Two years before they met, he said, he held strict views, including that women should wear dresses and that only hymns belonged in church. He later let go of them. As for Ashley, he had thought she was prim and put together, and he found she is the goofiest in her friend group and not afraid of a mess.

What this means for you

You do not need a podcast to start. Pick one of these questions and ask it over dinner: what did you believe about marriage when we got married, what has surprised you, and what do you hope for us. If you are dating, some of them may fit. Others are written for marriage.

Adam also offered two more sets. One is a love language audit that asks what makes you feel most loved right now, what drains you that did not before, and what small change would help you feel pursued. The other asks what you would keep, change, protect and stop chasing if you were starting over today.

If you are a husband, Adam's Valentine's advice was practical: make the reservation and do something your spouse likes. And ask the question that has served the Mesas for nine years: how can I love you better?