How to Disagree Without Making It Personal

Key takeaways

• Everyone has a center. Adam compares conviction to a spider web, and you often cannot see what sits at the center of another person's web until you talk with them.
• Argue with the idea. Disagreement used to stay on the topic; now it often turns into remarks about who someone is.
• Check your words against a face. Ask whether you would say it the same way to the person who believes the opposite.
• Love comes before behavior change. The hosts want people to meet God's love first, then let it reshape how they live.
• Ask why before you answer. A hard question often carries a story you cannot see.
• Widen your circle. Friends who think differently help you see the pain points you would otherwise miss.

The loudest voices are not the whole church

This conversation on the Beyond the Letter podcast, with Pastor Adam Mesa and guest host Sammy, starts from a simple observation. Adam describes pastors on the far right and far left who live on social media and speak the loudest. Most believers sit somewhere between them, and many wonder what they are supposed to do.

Adam explains why he rarely talks about political topics on the show. He does not care about them as much as people may assume, they do not affect his faith, and he would rather preach the Bible and sanctification than a political passion that may change in three weeks.

Sammy shares the same heart. He and his fellow pastors want to pastor everybody, preach the gospel, and walk with people who disagree. Both of them push back on ultimatums, such as telling people to leave their church if their pastor is not doing a certain thing, and Sammy says it is okay to disagree and keep walking forward together.

The spider web at the center of conviction

Adam took an idea from a college ethics professor. As Adam recalls it, the professor said, "Conviction is like a spider web." A spider works hardest at the center, where the web is tight, and the outer strands are loose. Cut one of those and the web holds. Break the center and the whole thing collapses.

Adam turns this into a story about Chick-fil-A. If Sammy had eaten there six times, it would be easy to get him to try Raising Cane's. If Sammy belonged to the family that started Chick-fil-A, it would be nearly impossible. Adam would not know that, so he might announce that it was the worst restaurant in the world, and Sammy could walk away offended without Adam ever knowing why.

Adam's point is that we cannot tell what sits at the center of someone else's web. He does not say you must interview everyone before you speak. He says you need to be mindful of your language and your wording, because culture and background shape what people care about most.

When disagreement turns into a personal attack

Adam says disagreement used to stay on the idea. You said you disagreed and moved on. Now, he says, a disagreement often comes with a jab at someone's clothes or style. Once an argument becomes about who someone is, he says, it loses its credibility.

He shares how he handles nasty messages. He will ask directly whether the person is trying to offend him, then match their energy. Many people apologize and clarify, and Adam's answer is that they should have been clear at the start. He also offers a Zoom call to people who take issue with him so he can see their eyes, and he says he has rarely met anyone who carries the same energy in person that they show online.

He also admits a temptation of his own. His background is in philosophy and theology, and he knows he can argue better than most people, even when he is wrong. He keeps quiet at times so that he does not become an intellectual bully.

The hosts offer a test for anything we type. One of them puts it this way: "if I was standing in front of the person that believes the complete opposite, would I say it the same way?" If the answer is no, change the words or leave them unsaid.

Love before behavior

Sammy brings the same posture to people who are far from God. He says, "we don't want people to walk in the ways of God before they encounter the love of God." That, in his words, would be religion. He wants to love people into what God is saying, and he is clear that this does not mean full acceptance: God loves people too much to leave them the same.

He points to the woman caught in adultery in John 8. Jesus silenced her accusers, then spoke to her.

Jesus, standing up, saw her and said, “Woman, where are your accusers? Did no one condemn you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go your way. From now on, sin no more.”

(John 8:10-11, WEB)

Sammy also ties this to the renewing of the mind in Romans 12:2: repentance starts with a shift in thinking, and behavior follows. He says it is like uprooting the tree instead of picking fruit off it.

Adam adds that two people can stop the same behavior and look identical from the outside. The difference is the reason. One acts out of pressure to earn a blessing, the other acts as a son or daughter of God. As Adam puts it, "Christianity is not behavior modification." He starts discipleship with identity in Jesus and works from the inside out.

He tells of a woman in her late forties who wrote to him. She had come to church an atheist, and she said his preaching had restored her relationship with God. Then she learned his view on abortion and was upset. Adam gave her context from Scripture and pointed her to a sermon he had preached on it. She replied that, as someone new in her faith, she needed to be open about her own bias and do more homework. Adam says that would likely not have happened if every Sunday began with that one topic.

Ask why before you answer

One host describes a habit: when a hot-button question comes, he answers with a question about why the person is asking. Part of the reason is protection. People have used his answers as weapons, and he says children have turned him against their parents, and parents against their children, without giving him the context.

He recalls being asked whether everyone who dies by suicide goes to hell. He gave a hopeful answer, explaining that chemical imbalance and abuse can be part of a person's story. Then he asked why she was asking. Her brother had died by suicide the week before. He says he was glad he had led with compassion, and he now over-clarifies on purpose because his answer could diminish someone's faith.

Sammy notes that Jesus worked the same way. He asked far more questions than he answered directly, and he told stories. When people tried to pull him into politics, he said to give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's.

Hold the line with friends and widen your circle

Adam tells of a friend who saw another pastor post something harsh about a fellow pastor. The friend did not stay in the comments. He texted the man directly, tired of people hiding behind screens and assuming they would never face each other at the next conference. Adam respected it, and Sammy agrees that real friends should hold the line with one another in private.

Sammy adds that Jesus did not choose twelve disciples who were all alike. He suggests asking whether everyone around you says yes and thinks the same way, and if so, diversifying your circle so you can understand tensions you would not otherwise see. Adam says that does not require shopping for friends of a certain background. You can start by asking questions.

Adam also tells how he joked about homeschool kids, and a mother in his church told him she disagreed. When he said they tend to be weird, she asked whether public school kids are not. He told her it was a good point, and that he welcomes it: "I don't want you to agree with me." He wants people to think it through and say why they agree or disagree.

Sammy finishes with mercy. In James, the mercy you give shapes the mercy you receive.

For judgment is without mercy to him who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

(James 2:13, WEB)

What this means for you

You may not be a pastor, but you probably have a comment box, a group chat or a family table. The next time you disagree with someone, you could ask what might be at the center of their web and why they hold the view they do.

You could also try the hosts' test before you post or reply: would you say it to their face, in the same way? If you need to correct a friend, a private text may serve better than a public comment. Disagreement can stay about the idea, and mercy can set the tone for how you say it.