What to Give Someone Who Seems to Have Everything

Key takeaways

• Thought beats price. Pastor Adam Mesa says the gifts that mean the most to him are often the least expensive ones, because someone clearly paid attention.
• Cash can be caring. For a person who is content and has no list, money or a gift card lets them pick something they truly want.
• Upgrade the everyday. A better version of something a person already uses is a gift they would never buy for themselves.
• Gifts can carry memory. Ashley describes a pendant that honored her late father and moved her to tears.
• Let the gift be used. Adam asks wives not to dictate how a husband wears or handles what he was given.
• Gifts change with seasons. What a spouse enjoys now may differ from a few years ago, so keep paying attention.

The question about a content pastor

In this Christmas episode of the Beyond I Do podcast, Adam and his wife, Ashley, start with a question someone asked Ashley that week: what do you give Pastor Adam, who seems content with everything he has? Ashley admitted she had no idea. Adam answered with a joke about making whatever he wants himself, and the two went back and forth on it.

Ashley then turned the question toward every wife. What do you give a husband who is content, when you do not want to hand him something he will wear once and set aside? She pointed to the red shoes she bought him, which he has worn only a couple of times.

Adam said he wore them for Christmas with a suit, and that he keeps things he likes fresh by not wearing them every day. He also joked that all-red shoes are hard to pull off in Ontario, where they live, and might only work in Orange County.

Small gifts that show someone was listening

Adam did not want a list of expensive ideas. He said that to him, the most special gifts are often "the most inexpensive stuff, stuff that's just thoughtful". He gave several examples from people at his church.

• Custom dominoes in the green of the church, with a silverback gorilla on top, a nod to his favorite animal. He does not play dominoes, but the set sits on his desk and he shows it to visitors.
• A thermal coffee mug with the word "pastor" on it.
• A $20 pocket knife engraved "best pastor ever," which he still keeps in his drawer even though he had never said he needed one.
• A pair of Nikes marked with a 3 and a 0 from one of the church's elders when the church turned 30.

Of gifts like these, Adam said, "You really took the time to think of something." He added that none of them was valuable in dollars. They mattered because someone noticed him.

Cash, gift cards and the premium version

For someone who has no Christmas list, Adam said cash can be one of the most caring gifts. He can put it toward a jacket he spots later, or toward a date with Ashley. He mentioned a woman at church who gave him a card with money in it and told him to get whatever he wanted the next time he found something. A DoorDash gift card works the same way, since people know he orders from DoorDash a lot.

He also described a way to shop for the man in your life. Think of something simple he uses every day, then find a nicer version he would never spend money on himself. Adam did this for his grandfather, a gunsmith who builds his own guns and makes his own bullets. Adam bought him a $90 titanium wrench set with about 90 pieces, well under his usual budget of a couple hundred dollars for grandparents. His grandfather's old set is around 50 years old, and he kept talking about the new one.

For his dad, who returns things that do not quite fit, Adam said the answer is a gift card to a favorite bike store.

When a gift remembers someone who is gone

Ashley told about a TikTok she saw, which she said she might be retelling slightly wrong. In a workplace Secret Santa, an older woman opened a gift and found an old photo of her father on the beach when he was young. Ashley assumed he had passed away. The boss started crying, and the coworker who gave it came over and embraced her.

Ashley then spoke from her own life. A couple of years ago, after her dad died, Adam gave her an anniversary gift and warned her, "this gift could be really good or really bad". It was a necklace pendant with her father's face and diamonds around it. She said, "I think I cried for probably 30 minutes," and that she wears it almost every day. Adam has since given a similar memory pin to Pastor Herron after his dad passed.

Let the gift be used

Adam had a word for wives. He said he sometimes holds back from using a gift because he fears being corrected, for example about where he set it down or what he stood in while wearing it. He told the story of a pair of sandals that one of their sons spilled soda on.

His message to wives was that when you give your husband something, "don't all of a sudden now dictate how he uses it, how he treats it". In his experience, he said, a gift he buys for himself carries no such pressure, and one that comes with strings tends to end up put away. Ashley answered with her own side, joking about gifts of hers that she says sit unused.

Nervous gift-givers and changing seasons

Ashley described herself as a little kid with two dollars in a pocket when the ice cream man comes by. She cannot wait to show Adam what she bought, and she gets nervous that a gift will land badly. She mentioned a shirt she sweated over because it looked good online.

This Christmas, both say their main gifts are bought. Adam said he has one big gift for Ashley, plus smaller things like pajamas so she has something to open, and he will not reveal it. Ashley said her sister Ali, who knows what it is, remarked that this is why she cannot find a man, because her brother-in-law does things like this for her sister. Ashley tried to get the details out of Ali and found it was hard to bribe her.

The two also noted that gifts depend on the season. Adam once bought Ashley golf items all the time, but now her interests lean toward fashion, which he finds easier to shop for. Ashley said her husband is a gadget person, drawn to new scents, smart lights and home security.

What this means for you

If someone on your list seems to have everything, this conversation suggests you stop asking what they lack and start asking what you have noticed about them. A favorite animal, a color, a habit, a loss they carry: these are what Adam and Ashley treasure most.

You might ask yourself a few things this season. What has your spouse or friend mentioned in passing that you could remember? What everyday item could you upgrade for them? And if you are on the receiving end, how can you let the giver see their gift enjoyed in whatever way the receiver chooses?