Stop Making Your Marriage Miserable: Let Each Other Be

Key takeaways

• Let the harmless things go. Naps, hobbies, a pile of folded laundry and a spouse's favorite restaurant are rarely worth a fight.
• Speak up about what harms. Adam and Ashley say "letting each other be" has a limit when a spouse's health or the marriage itself is at stake.
• Name the real issue. When you are upset about one thing, say so, and do not turn everything your spouse does into evidence against them.
• Join your spouse's joy. You will not change every quirk, so learn to enjoy what they enjoy.
• Selfishness spreads fast. Tiredness, kids and work are real burdens, but they give no one the right to punish a spouse.

A video about letting each other be

Pastor Adam Mesa and his wife Ashley opened this episode of Beyond I Do by watching a video from a woman describing her marriage. Her household runs on one rule: they just let each other be. A crazy haircut, a new hobby of the week, a weekend nap and a day off from laundry all get encouragement. When her husband wants seafood and she does not eat it, she orders off the kids' menu and is glad he gets his favorite. They married each other because they loved each other as they were, she said.

Adam introduced it as a lighter episode, with the warning that not every couple's marriage looks like this. Ashley laughed that it sounded like the two of them. She remembered that while they were dating, she was weighing a master's degree in coaching, and Adam never discouraged her or hinted that marriage and ministry might get in the way. He told her to go after something she loved.

Where letting someone be has a limit

Ashley described a recent stretch when she was on her phone working constantly. Adam told her to put it down, because the work had become more of a strain than a joy, and he asked her to take real rest days. She called this the fine line in letting someone be: you can let it go so far that it changes the person into someone you no longer know.

Adam agreed that the woman in the video would not let her husband become a nervous wreck either. Letting each other be means allowing what is healthy, and a spouse should speak truth when something affects the health of the person or the relationship.

Say what you are actually upset about

Adam and Ashley have counseled many couples, and they often hear one spouse complain that the other naps or tinkers in the garage. Their follow-up questions are simple: Is he missing dinner? Is he skipping your kids' games? If he is showing up, what is the real problem? Adam said a spouse who is mad about one thing often starts tossing everything the other person does into the same bucket. Then, months later, that spouse is surprised when the other asks for a break or a separation. Adam added that he would never tell anyone to take that step, but he sees why it happens.

He gave an example from home. On a Sunday a few weeks earlier he was exhausted, went upstairs and napped without announcing it. He trusted that Ashley would let him rest, and that if she woke him there would be a good reason.

Ashley's addition was about communication. You cannot blow up on one day over something you never mentioned on the days before. If you are stressed, say so early, and hope your spouse answers with care. She admitted that a stack of folded clothes had sat on their table since Sunday night, and she decided not to stress over it. This year she has been praying for patience with her kids, her marriage and herself.

Learn to enjoy what your spouse enjoys

Early in their marriage, Ashley hated the drive to Los Angeles, the traffic and the freeway turns, while Adam loved going. Now she says yes right away, because she knows he will find something new, and she looks forward to the moments out there as much as the drive. She also took up a little golf so she could ride along when he wants to play.

Adam said you will not remove every quirk from the person you married. "You're not going to change them, and that's okay." You knew who you were marrying. Ashley said she has learned to ask what new interest her husband has picked up this season. As she put it, "I want to encourage my husband in those moments because if he likes it, I want him to feel the support." Adam does the same for her. When they were working in Orange County, she wanted to visit a Pilates studio each morning, and he gladly took coffee duty.

When selfishness takes over

Adam turned to a harder subject: a selfish mentality. He said that kids and work will wear you out, and that is simply life. "Your own tiredness and your own season is not an excuse on why you can put your spouse through hell." He and Ashley both work, and he reminds himself that even when his job feels heavier, she also worked forty-five hours and still made the lunches and got the kids to school.

He then described a couple much older than them whom they counseled when they were in their twenties. The wife had withheld intimacy for about two months over things like his underwear missing the hamper. Then she found evidence that he had satisfied himself, and she called it cheating. Adam said he does not condone what the husband did, but he also asked what she expected after weeks of punishing him. Both choices were foolish, he told them, and two wrongs do not make a right. About six months later he ran into the wife at a restaurant with two other men, and the husband already knew about the affairs.

Adam gave the story as a picture of a slippery slope. "You see how fast selfishness spreads." A cold heart gets colder. He added a test: "If you're speaking to your boss and your coworkers better than you speak to your spouse, then you have failed."

Keep having fun, and do not assume the worst

For Adam, a fun marriage means always dating your spouse. The woman in the video eats chicken nuggets so her husband can crack crab legs, and she enjoys watching him enjoy it. Ashley shared that a friend had just gone with her husband to a Rams game in Chicago and had to buy winter clothes. Ashley told her those were the memories that matter. The friend had decided she did not need to love the Rams, but she did need to love her husband loving his team.

Ashley also told a Disneyland story. She had told Adam she would not renew his pass because he never went with her and the boys. Then she asked whether he would make time to go, and he promised he would. She renewed it. She said she did not want her sons to grow up with a bitter mother making excuses about their dad's schedule, and that wives can assume the worst about a husband before he has done anything. She chose instead to remember the date nights and to believe that he goes to Disneyland because she loves it.

What this means for your marriage

You can start with a few honest questions. What is your spouse doing that is simply different from what you would do? Is it harming your health, your family or your trust, or does it only annoy you? If it harms, speak calmly and say what is actually bothering you. If it only annoys you, try extending grace.

Then look for a way to enjoy what your spouse enjoys, even if it means a kids' menu or a cold stadium. Adam closed the episode with a plain encouragement: enjoy your spouse and have fun with them. If your spouse likes caviar, let them eat it, and you can have the chicken nuggets.