Marriage Talk: Feeling Seen, Hard Talks and the Mommy Wife

Key takeaways

• Feeling seen carries a lot of weight. One guest said she will do more at home when her husband notices and appreciates it.
• Speak before resentment builds. A guest practiced a conversation with a friend before going back to full-time work, and her husband chose a daily task to take on.
• Shutting down can be unlearned. A guest who used to roll over and sleep mid-argument learned to respond, ask for feedback, and stay in the conversation.
• Timing and patience help. Asking for time, saving a talk for a date night, and taking small irritations to God all came up.
• Pick your battles and do not mother your husband. The group warned against talking to a husband like a child.
• Marriage can show you God's love. A husband's steady, open hand became a picture of how God pursues us.

A women's edition of Beyond I Do

This episode of the Beyond I Do podcast was a women-only conversation. The host sat down with two guests, her sister-in-law among them, and worked through questions that chat had come up with for her. They were grouped under headings such as marriage foundations, communication and conflict, and faith and spiritual life. The host joked that they would probably get through only one, and by her count they covered four.

When the Monday list gets long

The first question asked how marriage has challenged each of them in ways they did not expect. One guest said it exposes her selfishness, and she catches herself at least once a day. She finds it easy to be selfless with her children and harder to give up selfishness with her husband.

She described a recent Monday, the family's day off, when she was running through her list: laundry, groceries, cleaning, school drop-off and pickup. Halfway through, she sensed the Lord asking her what it was all for.

What she needs is simple. As she put it, "All I need is to feel seen." Her love language is acts of service, so small things count: her husband getting the kids ready, washing dishes without being asked, or telling her she is a great mom and a great wife.

Another guest described raising the subject calmly. She told her husband she knew he had a lot on his plate and that she had a full plate too. She said she shared it to make him aware, and he offered to take things off her list. When their daughter needed a ride from practice, he offered to pick her up on his way home. She called it teamwork.

Having the talk before the frustration

One woman told of the time she moved from part-time to full-time work. She could already picture the argument she would start with her husband about how little he did at home. She asked a friend for help, and the friend urged her to have the conversation while she was still calm.

The friend even played her husband so she could practice. She then told him that she was about to work forty hours, that she was doing all of the home front, and asked what he could take off her plate. She let him decide. He chose to get the kids ready every morning, since she likes to work out then. According to her, he has done it for years without throwing it back in her face.

She added that wives sometimes make things bigger than they need to be, and that good communication can stop a fight before it starts.

From shutting down to staying in the room

The next question asked how to handle hard conversations without shutting down. One guest said that for most of her marriage she shut down. She had been married before, to a man who would not come home for three or four days while she called hospitals and jails. Next to that, her current husband raising something like Costco spending seemed small to her.

So she would tell him she was not getting into it, or she would ask if he was done and roll over to sleep. He stayed awake for hours. She now calls that mean and selfish.

She said trauma from her past played a part, and that giving it to Christ helped her heal and see that her husband was not her past relationship. She learned to coach herself to respond instead of react, to acknowledge what he felt, and only then to share her own view. She also asked him the next day how she had done. Her old reflex was flight, and she wanted to learn to stay.

A second guest described the opposite situation. Her husband is a processor who hears her out at night and says little. The next morning he returns with what he will do better. She used to want resolution right away, but she learned he is after full restoration, and she trusts the integrity in what he says. Another voice at the table put it this way: we have to love what our spouses love, including how they resolve conflict.

Timing, patience and the dog food bag

The host said she and her husband often save hard conversations for date nights. Raised in passing, a problem only brings irritation. Another guest remembered her husband wanting to talk about a disagreement in the middle of a grocery aisle early in their marriage. She learned to ask for time, and she told him, "Give me fifteen minutes." He learned to go downstairs and let her think.

Several of them also spoke about taking small irritations to God. One asked whether anyone is dying over shoes left on the stairs, and whether the matter is worth the patience it takes. She also said she believes the enemy uses silly things to start an argument, and that stress and missed time together can pile up until the dumbest thing becomes the biggest.

The host told of cleaning her whole house, walls included, only to find a big bag of dog food left on her clean kitchen table. She thanked her husband for feeding the dog and then pointed out the bag. He apologized. She knew his ADHD had moved him straight to the next task, and she asked herself whether he had meant it or simply forgotten.

Stop being the "mommy wife"

That led to the episode's central theme. One woman said every time she opens the fridge, she finds another half-finished can of soda. When she made a passive-aggressive joke about it, her husband asked if he could joke about the shoes she leaves in every corner of the house. She laughed at herself and made her point: "I'm not losing a marriage over a half drinking can of soda." If he does it, she said, how hard is it to dump the soda?

They named a pattern: wives get frustrated when husbands treat them like mothers, and husbands get frustrated when wives talk to them like children. One of the women said, "We are not to mother our husband in that part." They pointed to dating, too. A man who wants to be told what to do may be looking for a mother, and a woman who goes along may become a "mommy wife" and wonder five years later why she has to do everything.

They added that godly men are needed in young men's lives, to show them how to lead. Many men were raised by single mothers who did everything because they had to. That, one guest said, does not excuse a man from showing up as a man.

What marriage shows about God

The last question was how marriage has shaped each woman's relationship with God. One guest said it taught her to die to her flesh each day and to put her husband first. Learning to talk and be patient with him taught her to talk and be patient with God.

She also told of nights when she turned away from her husband to sleep. He would put his hand out and wait, and some nights she did not take it. As she put it, "Even if you're going to turn around, ignore me, and go to sleep, my hand is still here for you." Over time she offered a pinky, then two fingers. To her, that was a picture of how God pursues us.

Another guest picked up the image and asked how often we give God only a pinky. She said God's hand is always open, and that she could not do marriage, family or kids without him.

A third guest said her husband never judged her past. When she felt the Lord telling her to tell the church about something no one in her life knew, he told her that if God was telling her, she needed to do it. She said he covers her, and that this shows her how God covers us.

What this means for you

If you are carrying more than your share, consider saying what would help you feel seen, and say it while you are still calm. Ask your spouse what they can take on, and let them choose.

If you tend to shut down, try asking for time and then returning to the conversation. Ask yourself whether the small irritation is worth a fight, and whether you are speaking to your spouse as a partner or as a child. Ask also how much of your life you have placed in God's open hand, and how much you are still holding back.