Life Planning Questions for Couples From Adam and Ashley Mesa

Key takeaways

• Ask the questions out loud. Adam Mesa put together a set of life planning style questions for couples, and he and his wife Ashley answered several of them on the podcast.
• Name what helps and what hurts. Each of them said what the other does that moves their family forward and what makes life harder.
• You do not have to attend everything together. Early in their marriage they agreed not to be a package deal at every event, and to stop caring what outsiders think.
• Old disagreements can settle. After 12 years, they now agree on how involved their extended families should be.
• Protect the date. Adam says there is almost always room for time alone with your spouse, even at home after the kids are in bed.

A last-minute episode and a borrowed idea

The episode began with a scheduling mistake. The team thought it was ahead on episodes, but it was not, and Adam flew in from Oklahoma to record one. He noted that in two years of weekly episodes they had never missed one, and he was not going to start now.

His idea for the conversation came from life planning, a process where a certified guide sits with people who feel their job is not their full purpose and helps them find clarity. Adam said he is not certified and has never done it. He researched the basic idea, worked with AI to shape questions for marriage, and invited Ashley to answer them with him. Listeners could then try the same questions at home.

Supporting each other when you cannot be in the room

Before the questions, the two talked about Ashley's first time preaching at a church other than their own. Pastor Julian, a friend of Adam's, had asked her to speak on a weekend with three services. Adam was traveling and speaking that same weekend, so he could not be there. He told Ashley he watched the livestreams of each service instead.

Ashley said she was glad he was absent, and her reason was specific. She felt she was being sent out by her pastor and wanted to represent him and their church well. In her words, "Pastor Adam makes me nervous." She said she would have felt critiqued, even though he would not have done it.

Adam's response was encouraging. Nobody hits a home run the first time they preach, he said, and he is still learning: "I've been regularly preaching for 14 years, and I still watch sermons and go, wow." He added that he has never come off a stage thinking a message was perfect.

Dreams that are still on the shelf

The first question asked for a dream you have had for years. Ashley said she says almost everything out loud, so nothing surprised Adam. Her answer was to finish Bible school. She wants to know the Bible and teach it, and she said every season of life gets busier, so she keeps having to postpone. Adam called it a good dream and said seminary will not make someone a better preacher, but it can ground a teacher in the Bible.

Adam mentioned comedy. A friend on their team who writes for film and television texts him monthly that he would do well in stand-up. Adam said he relates to how comedians see life, but that being on stage alone with a routine feels too exposed. He also described a dream of owning a restaurant built around lamb, or a coffee shop, though he said he has put his energy into the church. Ashley said she has always wanted to be an extra in a movie.

Habits that help and habits that make it harder

Next each person named one habit of the other that helps their plan and one that complicates it. Ashley credited Adam's habit of learning. She said he is always thinking ahead for the family and bringing her along instead of simply announcing what they are doing. Adam named Ashley's drive, because she supports their goals and pushes things forward.

Both spoke candidly about money and ADHD. Adam said his own ADHD both helps and hurts, and he told the story of a missed payment that once left the water shut off. He said he has learned what works for him: "your ADHD will win every day" unless you live by a routine. Because his workdays are so scheduled, he leaves open space at home for Ashley and the boys to suggest what to do.

Nancy, who works with Adam and helps produce the show, added the habits she sees from the outside. She pointed to their commitment to health and fitness and to date nights, even after a week of travel and work.

Ashley explained why exercise matters to her. Early in their marriage she gained about 60 pounds in a year and felt deeply insecure, and she said she had been told in her soccer years that she was never fit enough. She remembered asking, "how can my husband be attracted to me if I'm not even attracted to myself?" Adam said he is honest to a fault, and that his struggle then was her lack of confidence, because compliments could not land. For Ashley, confidence came through staying physically active, and he described that as a real strength in their home today.

Stress, time and friends outside work

When asked what recurring stress they would remove, Ashley chose time. She wants room for work and for coaching their sons in soccer without losing time with them. Adam suggested it is more a matter of schedule than of time itself.

Adam's answer to the question about taking something more seriously was friendship. Many of his friends are tied to church staff, and he holds some kind of spiritual leadership over most of them. He grew up with a protective father and was allowed to visit only one friend's house. Lately he has made friends outside the staff, who can tell him the truth without worrying how his pastor or boss would react.

What they used to disagree about, and now agree on

When it came to the question about something they used to disagree on, they named family. Ashley's family likes to do everything together. Adam's family is warm but more independent. He remembers resenting trips he was expected to join and paying his own way, and he found it unreasonable that people would think the two of them were fighting if he missed a game.

After 12 years, both say they have met in the middle. Adam enjoys being around Ashley's family. When an invitation comes, he checks his calendar, because an open slot does not mean he is mentally ready to be present after a heavy counseling session. They often agree he will come for an hour and leave. They also decided early on that they are not a package deal at everything, and that they do not care what anyone outside thinks as long as they know where they stand.

Their families have adjusted too. Ashley's mom put a reunion on the calendar two years out, and Adam's dad booked a fishing trip a year ahead so he would not get taken. Adam told the family he was already committed to officiate a wedding that overlapped, and he kept to it, saying his yes is yes and his no is no.

Date nights and the calendar

Adam closed by pushing back on the idea that busy couples cannot go out. When he counsels couples, one of his first questions is when they last went out alone, and many say months or even years. He insisted that he is as busy as anyone he knows, yet "I still take my wife on dates almost weekly." He does not watch TV or putter around the house, and he takes one day off a week.

He also acknowledged that sometimes the barrier is real, such as having no one to watch the kids. His suggestion is to put the children to bed, order food and light a candle at home.

What this means for you

You do not need a certified guide to start. Pick a few of these questions, sit down with your spouse, and answer them honestly. Ask what dream you have shelved, which habit of your spouse's helps your family, and where you keep clashing over schedules or relatives.

Adam and Ashley left some questions unanswered for listeners. Which version of your future are you most excited about? What small habit could you start together this week? What monthly ritual would strengthen your marriage? If you had to pick one theme word for the next 12 months, what would it be, and why?