How to Stay Connected With Your Spouse When Life Gets Busy

Key takeaways

• Short getaways work. Adam and Ashley Mesa took about twenty-four hours away before a heavy Easter schedule, and they said it was enough.
• Frequency matters. Because they get away regularly, a single night can be a time of reconnecting instead of a rescue.
• Good questions open conversation. A deck of couples' cards gave them two hours of talk and some real encouragement.
• Drift is a risk to watch for. A couple they met at a wedding had not been away together in years, and the Mesas took note.
• Screens compete with closeness. Cutting iPads on weekdays brought their boys back to the family room.
• Teasing needs honesty. They joke a lot, and they apologize when a joke goes too far.

A twenty-four-hour break before a heavy week

Pastor Adam Mesa and his wife, Ashley, recorded this Beyond I Do episode in the first week of April, with Easter close. Adam explained that he had to speak about seven or eight times over four days, starting the next day, so he knew the week would be tiring.

Right after the service on Palm Sunday, the two decided to get away for twenty-four hours, with a babysitter at home for the boys. They went to Palm Springs and spent their time at the hotel and the pool. They had packed with a nice dinner in mind, but on the drive they voted for In-N-Out and an early night. Adam pointed out that they left Sunday at two o'clock and were home Monday at two.

He said a single day was enough because it is not a rare event for them. Adam said "we have a frequency of getting away together" and they do it fairly regularly. At least twice a year they go away alone or with other couples, sometimes for work. He described their marriage as in a season of maintenance rather than rescue, which means a short trip is a time to reconnect, not a way to make up for years apart.

The hosts also acknowledged what they hear from viewers and from people in counseling: many couples say they simply do not get time alone.

Two hours with a deck of questions

Ashley had ordered a card deck called Tales, Couples Edition, and the two brought it to the hotel's back patio. They went through it for about two hours, setting aside any question they did not want to answer. Adam said the deck would also suit people who are seriously dating and want to draw someone out without the intensity of a heavy conversation.

The questions range widely. Adam mentioned a few: describe your absolute dream job, in what ways have we grown lazy in our relationship, how do you cope when you feel rejected, and what is your favorite holiday. Ashley said they laughed at some, nobody cried, and mostly it was straight conversation, revisiting things they had probably asked each other before.

One card asked what you do not give yourself enough credit for. Ashley answered for Adam: she said he does not give himself enough credit as a father. Adam agreed that he often feels he is not doing as well as he would like. She then encouraged him, saying he is doing a good job of learning from his own father's example while building on what he wished he had seen more of as a child.

Ashley described that moment as an opening. In her words, "that's a place for your spouse to bring life into." She said the questions are meant to be life giving, to let you hear your spouse's heart without judging it.

The couple who never got away

Adam told a story from about a year into their marriage. At a wedding, they met a couple who had been married roughly eight years, with kids. The couple kept saying how glad they were to be away from home and from their children. When the Mesas asked when the two had last taken a trip together, the answer was before their first child. Their oldest was seven by then, and the Mesas remembered it as somewhere between seven and ten years. The couple said they did not really travel at all because of the kids.

The Mesas took a note for their own marriage from that conversation. Adam was careful to say that finances can be tight, and that some people have trauma that makes it hard to trust anyone with their children. He and Ashley still encouraged couples to save on purpose, both for memories with their kids and for time without them.

They also pointed to ordinary options. One was a cruise with a kids club, where children sometimes sail free and a family pays only taxes and port fees. Another was Great Wolf Lodge, where a parent can sit on a lawn chair while the kids play in the water, even if they are older. The point was to find the kind of trip that fits your family and still leaves room for time together.

Dating your spouse after the wedding

Adam repeated a saying he had heard: "never let your most romantic years of your marriage be before you were even married." He said dating should be the more cautious season, when you are asking whether this is the right person. After the wedding, he said, the level of intentionality should keep rising.

He also said every marriage has dry seasons, times when you miss each other, are not relating well, or are growing into different people. That is where regular dating helps, whether it is a trip or an evening. Adam described days when someone picks up the boys from school and the two spend a full day in Los Angeles, going to coffee shops and walking around stores so the focus is not on what the kids want at the moment. Other times they have dropped the boys off at a grandmother's house, gone straight home, ordered DoorDash and watched a movie.

Fewer screens, more presence at home

The conversation turned to the boys. Adam and Ashley said their sons do not get iPads Monday through Friday, and the boys recently lost them for two months: one month for something that happened at school and an extra month for not listening. Adam said the older son prefers the iPad more, and he has ADHD, while the younger one does not seem to care.

Adam admitted the boys are more work without the screens, since it used to be a fight to get them to bathe or come to dinner. Still, they are more compliant now, and he would rather kick a soccer ball in the backyard or watch something together as a family. Ashley said the change has helped their relationship with the boys. In her words, "without this overstimulation, they just want to be around us."

Adam described a birthday party at an arcade where a child of the same age stayed on a parent's phone for three hours. He said he was not judging another family, only saying that he and Ashley would ask why come out at all if a child is going to be lost in a screen. They also said they once realized they might have been guilty themselves. At restaurants now, they start with crayons, tic-tac-toe and any game on the TV, and offer a phone only if the meal drags on. Adam added a parenting tip: let kids order their own food, look the server in the eye and say please and thank you.

Teasing with room to apologize

Early in the episode, the hosts and the crew teased each other freely, and Ashley explained why that works for her and Adam. She said joking around has become their love language, and they do not do it to irritate each other. They also know when a joke has gone too far, and they say sorry when it does.

She said that after years in ministry, they have thick skin about what people say. Her bottom line was this: "as long as our relationship is healthy, as long as communication is good, as long as we're honest when we do hurt each other's feelings, that's all that matters."

What this means for you

None of what the Mesas described needs a big budget or a long vacation. A single night, a few hours on a patio, or one day when someone else picks up the kids can all work. What they stressed is how often you do it, because a regular pattern keeps a small distance from growing.

You might ask yourself a few questions. When did you and your spouse last spend a full day or night together, away from the kids? What question would you like to ask your spouse, and which one would you like to be asked? And where could a screen be taking the place of time with the people in your home?