How to Celebrate Your Wife: Three Husbands Share What They Learned

Key takeaways

• Marriage keeps changing. After nineteen years, Aaron says he and his wife are no longer the people who married, and they have grown by adapting together.
• Peace without full agreement. Aaron finds rest in knowing the two of them will keep walking in the same direction even when an issue is still open.
• Celebration is a discipline. Adam Mesa says it is closer to a discipline than a personality type, and he had to learn it.
• Sacrifice is a reason to celebrate. All three men pointed to what their wives give up for the family.
• Give what she loves. Adam's last word to husbands was to find out what their wives love and give that.

A guys' table on marriage

Ashley Mesa could not join this episode of the Beyond I Do podcast because of a schedule conflict, so Pastor Adam Mesa turned it into an all-guys conversation. He sat down with Sammy and Aaron, and the talk ranged from fidget toys to Highland cows.

Under the jokes ran one question: how does a husband keep honoring his wife year after year? Each man answered from his own marriage.

Nineteen years and still adapting

Aaron will be married nineteen years in June. He remembered that in their first year he tried to get his wife, Erica, to work out. The attempt, which involved a clipboard and a whistle from Target, went badly, and he called it catastrophic. Eighteen years later Erica fell in love with Pilates, and last month she told him she would love for the two of them to start working out together. They now take classes side by side.

Aaron sees that story as part of a larger pattern. Over the years one of them has been promoted and one laid off, they have been in school and had a baby, and each season exposed flaws and showed how they fight. As Aaron put it, "We are not who we married."

He also said the way he handles conflict has changed. Early on he tried to settle every disagreement on the spot. Now he says that "that issue's not resolved, but we have resolved that we'll still walk in the same direction." That, he said, gives them peace and makes the marriage worth celebrating.

Saving the big celebration for fifty

Erica turns fifty in October. She is a nurse and a grandmother, and Aaron described her as someone who makes sure everyone else is cared for before herself. He wants her to be the one celebrated.

For that reason he is putting his energy into her fiftieth, with a big trip in the fall and friends coming along. He said he did not want to trade one celebration against the other, so he plans to hold the larger anniversary celebration for twenty-five years. When he pictured that milestone, he imagined time alone with Erica somewhere like Bora Bora.

Adam described a similar logic about his own tenth anniversary. He and Ashley had a hard early season, and he said they did not know whether they would make it to ten years. So ten years was worth celebrating, and he said that if he could afford it, he would renew his vows every year.

Ashley, a farm, and room to have fun

For the tenth anniversary, Adam and Ashley renewed their vows in Mexico. He invited friends with a hotel block and offered to pay for the food, and he told them plainly that no one should feel guilty if they could not come. Some had new babies and some could not afford the trip.

Now Ashley's fortieth is two years away, and she keeps asking for a farm. Adam does not plan to buy one, since he suspects the animals and upkeep would wear thin within a few years. He would rather rent a large farm property with a dozen rooms, text close friends first, and fill the house with community, music and dinner. He also said a listener once gave Ashley a plush Highland cow, which he took as proof that the Lord provides.

Adam described his own life as rigorous and structured, and said Ashley is the more exciting one. So he tries to create settings where she is safe to have fun and be fully herself.

What wives give up

Adam said wives often set aside more of their personal preferences than their husbands do. He said Ashley can go through a week talking with only two or three adults while spending her days with a five-year-old and a seven-year-old. In his view, wives hold the house and the kids together.

Aaron said two moments changed how he thinks. One was watching Erica give birth to their daughter Faith. The other was when he went into full-time ministry just as she finished a master's in nursing and chose to work part time. He said, "I've seen my wife sacrifice for our family in ways that I won't be able to experience." For that reason, spoiling her feels like a full circle to him.

Sammy told a similar story about his wife, Chandler. She is finishing a master's degree while working and raising a three-and-a-half-year-old and a one-and-a-half-year-old. He plans to take her and the kids to Disney World for her fortieth, since she once worked there for five years.

Sammy warned that busy seasons make it easy to keep saying "we'll celebrate next year." Then you look up, and "we haven't created monuments for our family." He added that he and Chandler want to be kindest to their own family, not hand out their best only to everyone else.

Learning what was never modeled

Adam said celebrating did not come naturally to him. His parents love each other, but he never saw them celebrate birthdays or anniversaries in a big way, and flowers at the door were about the most he remembered. Ashley's family celebrates everything, from a nephew's football win to a late father's anniversary. Early on it made Adam uncomfortable, and Ashley asked what his deal was.

Over time he came to see celebration as something that affirms a person's identity and the gift on their life. He said the words matter more than the venue. He and Ashley could have spoken those words to each other at home and the evening would have been just as life-giving.

His practical advice was to be specific. Instead of a quick happy birthday, think of a particular moment and say what you are grateful for. He also said that finances and pride should not stop a husband from doing this. If you do not know what your wife would love, ask people around you and do some research.

At the ten-year renewal, Adam's father, who is sixty, pulled him aside and said he had been inspired by how Adam loves his wife. Adam took it as a reminder that "one generation can inspire another," and said it does not always have to be the older one. He added that his father later took Adam's mother to Alaska and has been romancing her more.

The BMW that missed

Aaron told one story on himself. About fifteen years ago he wanted to buy Erica a BMW. He knew she wanted skin in the game on big decisions, but he did the dealership work alone, parked the car in the driveway with a bow on top, and filmed her arrival.

Her first question was why a car was blocking the driveway. Then she asked what the payment was and why they had not gone together. Aaron said she was still coming out of a previous marriage, and he did not yet know her well enough to see that she did not want surprises then. He called it a learning moment: his desire was good and his action was real, but he had not studied his wife first.

Adam added a simple question: does your spouse like surprises or not? A husband who plans a farm weekend for a wife who would rather be in Paris has missed her, however good his intentions.

What this means for you

If you are a husband, the thread through this conversation is that celebration takes both effort and attention. Adam said most men think of it as a personality type, and he sees it as a discipline. Decide ahead of time what you want to mark, and say specific words when you do.

Before you plan anything, find out what she loves. Adam's last thought was a plain one: do not just give what you want. Maybe you both love strawberries, or maybe she does not, and the only way to know is to pay attention to her.

Finally, remember what the three men kept coming back to. Their wives carry a great deal, and some seasons are all grind. A birthday, a trip or a few honest words over dinner can be the monument that shows her she is seen.