Skip to content Healing & Recovering from Abuse with Kari Trent Stageberg Jun 26 · 56 min ...more
Healing & Recovering from Abuse with Kari Trent Stageberg
June 26, 2025 · 56 min
In this episode, Haley and Dustin are joined by Kari Trent Stageberg, CEO of Strong Families and co-author of The Blessing, alongside her father, Dr. John Trent. Kari shares her powerful hope story of finding healing and restoration after leaving an abusive relationship – and how the love of God and His Word brought her through a journey of renewal and recovery.
Together, they explore the importance of healthy attachment, especially our attachment to Christ, and why it’s foundational for emotional and spiritual healing. Kari offers practical steps for overcoming lies, reclaiming your God-given value, and replacing negative thoughts with truth. They also discuss key principles from The Blessing and provide practical ways to bless and encourage others each day.
This is an encouraging and insightful conversation for anyone looking to heal from past pain.
Subscribe to the podcast and tune in each week as Haley and Dustin share with you what the Bible says about real-life issues with compassion, warmth, and wit.
So you have every reason for hope, for every challenge in life. Because hope means everything.
Hope Talks is a podcast of the ministry of Hope for the Heart.
Listen in to learn more :
(00:00) - Finding Hope in Challenging Times
(04:04) - Building Attachment
(08:07) - Healing and Rebuilding Healthy Attachments
(15:20) - Finding Closure and Healing Relationships
(21:00) - Shifting the Narrative of Self-Worth
(26:05) - Finding Value and Healing Past Mistakes
(35:22) - Embracing God's Delight and Attachment
(44:27) - Practicing Blessing in Daily Life
--------------
Resources from Kari Trent Stageberg
Learn more about Kari Trent Stageberg: https://www.karitrentstageberg.com/
Get a copy of the book, The Blessing: https://tinyurl.com/58v5ukac
Get a copy of Kari’s book, The Merge for Marriage: https://tinyurl.com/2x4bvjtx
Learn more about Kari’s life coaching: https://camelbacklifecoaching.com/
See Kari’s Christian Life Coaching courses with ICCI: https://iccicoaching.com/mentoring/kari-trent/
--------------
Hope for the Heart resources.
Learn about our summer event on Mental Health and the Church: https://resource.hopefortheheart.org/mental-health-and-the-church
Connect with Hope for the Heart on social!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/hopefortheheart
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hopefortheheart
Learn more about the ministry and resources of Hope for the Heart: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/
Learn more about Hope Talks and catch up on past episodes: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/hopetalks/
Want to talk with June Hunt on Hope in the Night about a difficult life issue? Schedule a time here: https://resource.hopefortheheart.org/talk-with-june-hope-in-the-night
God’s plan for you: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/gods-plan-for-you/
Give to the ministry of Hope for the Heart: https://raisedonors.com/hopefortheheart/givehope?sc=HTPDON
Sign up for our fall Hope Together conference: https://hopetogether.com/
----------------------------
Bible verses mentioned in this episode
Psalm 103:12 – “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”
Isaiah 43:1 – “But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”
Luke 15:10 – “Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
John 18:18 & 21:9 -- Now the servants and officers had made a charcoal fire, because it was cold, and they were standing and warming themselves. Peter was also with them, standing and warming himself. …. When they got out on land, they saw a charcoal fire in place, with fish laid out on it, and bread.
Hebrews 13:5 – “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
----------------------------
Series Hope Talks June 26, 2025 · 56 min · Hope Talks
In this episode, Haley and Dustin are joined by Kari Trent Stageberg, CEO of Strong Families and co-author of The Blessing, alongside her father, Dr. John Trent. Kari shares her powerful hope story of finding healing and restoration after leaving an abusive relationship – and how the love of God and His Word brought her through a journey of renewal and recovery. Together, they explore the importance of healthy attachment, especially our attachment to Christ, and why it’s foundational for emotional and spiritual healing. Kari offers practical steps for overcoming lies, reclaiming your God-given value, and replacing negative thoughts with truth. They also discuss key principles from The Blessing and provide practical ways to bless and encourage others each day. This is an encouraging and insightful conversation for anyone looking to heal from past pain. Subscribe to the podcast and tune in each week as Haley and Dustin share with you what the Bible says about real-life issues with compassion, warmth, and wit. So you have every reason for hope, for every challenge in life. Because hope means everything. Hope Talks is a podcast of the ministry of Hope for the Heart. Listen in to learn more : (00:00) - Finding Hope in Challenging Times (04:04) - Building Attachment (08:07) - Healing and Rebuilding Healthy Attachments (15:20) - Finding Closure and Healing Relationships (21:00) - Shifting the Narrative of Self-Worth (26:05) - Finding Value and Healing Past Mistakes (35:22) - Embracing God's Delight and Attachment (44:27) - Practicing Blessing in Daily Life -------------- Resources from Kari Trent Stageberg Learn more about Kari Trent Stageberg: https://www.karitrentstageberg.com/ Get a copy of the book, The Blessing: https://tinyurl.com/58v5ukac Get a copy of Kari’s book, The Merge for Marriage: https://tinyurl.com/2x4bvjtx Learn more about Kari’s life coaching: https://camelbacklifecoaching.com/ See Kari’s Christian Life Coaching courses with ICCI: https://iccicoaching.com/mentoring/kari-trent/ -------------- Hope for the Heart resources. Learn about our summer event on Mental Health and the Church: https://resource.hopefortheheart.org/mental-health-and-the-church Connect with Hope for the Heart on social! Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/hopefortheheart Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hopefortheheart Learn more about the ministry and resources of Hope for the Heart: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/ Learn more about Hope Talks and catch up on past episodes: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/hopetalks/ Want to talk with June Hunt on Hope in the Night about a difficult life issue? Schedule a time here: https://resource.hopefortheheart.org/talk-with-june-hope-in-the-night God’s plan for you: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/gods-plan-for-you/ Give to the ministry of Hope for the Heart: https://raisedonors.com/hopefortheheart/givehope?sc=HTPDON Sign up for our fall Hope Together conference: https://hopetogether.com/ ---------------------------- Bible verses mentioned in this episode Psalm 103:12 – “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Isaiah 43:1 – “But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Luke 15:10 – “Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” John 18:18 & 21:9 -- Now the servants and officers had made a charcoal fire, because it was cold, and they were standing and warming themselves. Peter was also with them, standing and warming himself. …. When they got out on land, they saw a charcoal fire in place, with fish laid out on it, and bread. Hebrews 13:5 – “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” ---------------------------- ...more Show the full description Show less In this episode, Haley and Dustin are joined by Kari Trent Stageberg, CEO of Strong Families and co-author of The Blessing, alongside her father, Dr. John Trent. Kari shares her powerful hope story of finding healing and restoration after leaving an abusive relationship – and how the love of God and His Word brought her through a journey of renewal and recovery.
Together, they explore the importance of healthy attachment, especially our attachment to Christ, and why it’s foundational for emotional and spiritual healing. Kari offers practical steps for overcoming lies, reclaiming your God-given value, and replacing negative thoughts with truth. They also discuss key principles from The Blessing and provide practical ways to bless and encourage others each day.
This is an encouraging and insightful conversation for anyone looking to heal from past pain.
Subscribe to the podcast and tune in each week as Haley and Dustin share with you what the Bible says about real-life issues with compassion, warmth, and wit.
So you have every reason for hope, for every challenge in life. Because hope means everything.
Hope Talks is a podcast of the ministry of Hope for the Heart.
Listen in to learn more :
(00:00) - Finding Hope in Challenging Times
(04:04) - Building Attachment
(08:07) - Healing and Rebuilding Healthy Attachments
(15:20) - Finding Closure and Healing Relationships
(21:00) - Shifting the Narrative of Self-Worth
(26:05) - Finding Value and Healing Past Mistakes
(35:22) - Embracing God's Delight and Attachment
(44:27) - Practicing Blessing in Daily Life
--------------
Resources from Kari Trent Stageberg
Learn more about Kari Trent Stageberg: https://www.karitrentstageberg.com/
Get a copy of the book, The Blessing: https://tinyurl.com/58v5ukac
Get a copy of Kari’s book, The Merge for Marriage: https://tinyurl.com/2x4bvjtx
Learn more about Kari’s life coaching: https://camelbacklifecoaching.com/
See Kari’s Christian Life Coaching courses with ICCI: https://iccicoaching.com/mentoring/kari-trent/
--------------
Hope for the Heart resources.
Learn about our summer event on Mental Health and the Church: https://resource.hopefortheheart.org/mental-health-and-the-church
Connect with Hope for the Heart on social!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/hopefortheheart
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hopefortheheart
Learn more about the ministry and resources of Hope for the Heart: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/
Learn more about Hope Talks and catch up on past episodes: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/hopetalks/
Want to talk with June Hunt on Hope in the Night about a difficult life issue? Schedule a time here: https://resource.hopefortheheart.org/talk-with-june-hope-in-the-night
God’s plan for you: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/gods-plan-for-you/
Give to the ministry of Hope for the Heart: https://raisedonors.com/hopefortheheart/givehope?sc=HTPDON
Sign up for our fall Hope Together conference: https://hopetogether.com/
----------------------------
Bible verses mentioned in this episode
Psalm 103:12 – “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”
Isaiah 43:1 – “But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”
Luke 15:10 – “Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
John 18:18 & 21:9 -- Now the servants and officers had made a charcoal fire, because it was cold, and they were standing and warming themselves. Peter was also with them, standing and warming himself. …. When they got out on land, they saw a charcoal fire in place, with fish laid out on it, and bread.
Hebrews 13:5 – “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
----------------------------
Series Hope Talks Support this leader Liking this video? Support this ministry.
Support this leader
Liking this video? Support this ministry.
Give
Support this leader Liking this video? Support this ministry.
114K followers
Hope for the Heart is a worldwide biblical counseling, coaching, and caregiving ministry founded by June Hunt in 1986. We’re passionate about helping people
114K followers
0:00 I found myself smack dab in the middle of an abusive relationship. And several years into that, there was a moment where I was so incredibly broken, and he had gotten really violent. Normally, when that would0:11 happen, he would go in the other room and kind of pretend like nothing had ever happened, and play video games or whatever he was gonna do that night. But that particular evening, he left. And that was the moment where I0:21 just said, you know what, God, if you're real, I don't care what you do and I don't care how you do it. Just get me out. Get me out.0:28 Welcome to Hope Talks. We're your hosts. I'm Haley Scully along with Dustin Anderson, and we wanna give you every reason for hope for every challenge in life because hope means everything.0:42 Dustin, it feels like a reunion again today because it's guest day on Hope Talks.0:47 Guest day. We love guest day.0:49 We love guest day. And today, we have Carrie Trent Stageberg with us. Hello, Carrie.0:53 Hi. I'm excited to be the guest today. This is awesome.0:57 So Carrie has become just a great friend. Her dad is 1 of our pioneers of ICCI, our International Christian Coaching Institute. And so along with him, you'll get a little bit into1:09 what they're doing. But along with her dad, John Trent, Carrie is 1 of our coaches, 1 of our master coaches. She has been with us in ICCI from the very beginning. And then just1:20 when people come in, have done that. We've done dinners. We've gotten to know 1 another. Both of your boys have been born since we started all of this. Just so much of life has bloomed since we have first connected. So
1:32 we're just excited that you're here. Dustin, tell everybody a little bit more about
1:36 For those who don't know, Carrie Trent Stageberg is the CEO of Strong Families, a ministry that resources and provides coaching to marriages and families that, again, she runs with her dad and the founder, doctor John
1:47 Trent. She's also a master life coach and has been featured speaker at conferences, on radio, podcasts, author of several books, including The Merge for Marriage, which we'll get into that hopefully a little bit later.
1:59 And, also, there was a, I think, recent collaboration with your dad and doctor Gary Smalley on the updated version of The Blessing, which I know is a very popular book. But also, yeah, connected through International
2:10 Christian Coaching Institute. You can find some of our courses with doctor John Trent there on relationship and attachment coaching and has also just been a blessing to us at our fall Hope Together conferences with
2:21 workshops and things like that. So we're very grateful you're here today.
2:25 Yeah. Crowd favorites every year, every time. So 1, Carrie, God has entrusted you some incredible moments and seasons in your life. And I think 1 of the
2:37 things I love most about you is how you continually bring beauty out of those things, how you continually rise up through those things and you bring beauty to it. And you spend your life and
2:48 heart encouraging others as they're going through things. Again, you do life coaching, camelback life coaching dot com. People can lean into so much of the wisdom. I'm a mama's girl, but I'm also a
3:00 daddy's girl. And I love that you get to do this with your dad. So the wisdom that he had brought to the table for so long in his work and then coupling that with a newer generation concept and
3:11 identity, it's just been such a powerful thing to see you guys building into strong families. So I love it. We're excited to hear from you today. But like we always do at Hope Talks, we see the
3:23 output of people's faith of their work, but we like to hear. We wanna help make hope real. So when we as Christians say, our hope is in Christ or our hope is in God or our hope is in his goodness, we wanna give
3:35 examples of that. What do we mean by that? And so that's our first question for you. Carrie Trent Stageberg, what would your hope story be that you would share with us today?
3:44 Wow. Well, I mean, first of all, that's the most encouraged I've ever been by an introduction. I'm like over here, oh my gosh. I feel so blessed. So y'all are way too generous. That is awesome. Well, thank you for that.
3:56 And also, would just say, I think the reality is, is you hit the nail on the head. I mean, any of that comes out of Jesus. And that's really where it starts. I think any hope moment, any authentic genuine
4:07 hope moment really does come from that moment when we realize we don't have to do it alone. And it starts by saying yes to Jesus. And so I think for me, there's been a couple of really critical hope moments in my
4:19 life. It's interesting. 1 thing that we've been talking a lot about at Strong Families is how those moments are actually really attachment moments with the Lord. Maybe we think of them as surrender. Maybe we think of
4:30 them as hope. But really, those are moments where we actually building genuine attachment with Jesus. And I think for me, it really began when God showed up when I needed Him most, and I wasn't
4:42 even sure if He was real. And then it's kind of transitioned from there where He's shown up in incredible moments. Moments that could have been catastrophic had He not shown up. Moments where we'd been praying and He
4:52 answered. Those faith moments that He builds with you, those attachment moments that He builds with you are just something that happen as you continue to do life and say yes to Jesus. But I think for me, the first 1
5:02 really was, hey, God, if you're real. Are you there? Are you actually there? And watching him show up in that moment.
5:08 I love that. So the concept of attachment, especially in counseling and coaching and recovery, attachment is a fantastic concept that as counselors and people, we're looking for that. We're listening for
5:20 that. So explain to us what does that look like, and what does it mean when you say we're it's attachment moments with God?
5:27 Absolutely. So, I mean, attachment is critical in terms of how we build relationships with others and even how we see ourselves. And so for those of us that grew up with healthy attachment with
5:39 a mom and a dad, ideally, that were both really involved, and when we reached out, they reached back. When we knew that they were gonna be there even when things were tough, we knew that we were
5:51 valuable, that we were enough for them. Those are really those 3 core questions of attachment. Doctor Sue Johnson, is phenomenal, and really was kind of the pioneer of building attachment theory and emotionally focused
6:02 therapy. Those were really the 3 things that she drills down on. Actually Doctor. Kenny Sandifer has a course with ICCI where he talks a lot about this attachment piece. But the blessing for us with my dad and I, I mean,
6:13 it really is about that biblical attachment both with others and with the Lord. But here's the reality. For a lot of us, we didn't grow up with healthy attachment. Or maybe your story's kinda like mine where I was
6:24 blessed enough to grow up with that, but I experienced an abusive relationship that essentially broke any fathom of healthy attachment. And so we can go through life and somewhere along the way, something can happen or
6:35 we grew up in an environment where maybe that wasn't there. And then all of a sudden, we begin to have questions about our value. We begin to have issues with our relationships with others. Can we really get close enough
6:46 to build strong relationships with people? Because maybe we're so afraid we're gonna get hurt. Maybe there's good reason for it. Maybe we don't have healthy boundaries. But attachment really is being able to say, hey. If
6:56 I reach out, are you gonna reach back? Am I enough? Do you value me? And are you gonna be there when things are hard? And if we can't say yes to all 3 of those, there's probably something in that area where there might
7:07 be some issues with attachment.
7:09 How have you seen people putting their maybe dysfunctional attachment that they've experienced relationally with family members or parents or in relationships like you've mentioned and kind of how that then impacts their
7:21 concept of being attached to God? What do you think are some of the roadblocks that need to come down? And then maybe what was 1 of your experiences where when you said, hey. If you're real, prove it. I
7:33 think those are sometimes some pretty incredible stories. I know even in my life, there have been moments where I've said that testing the water, and I love how you're saying that. Are you gonna be there? Are you there?
7:42 Are you gonna be there? And how God responds to those prayers, not always with, yeah, here's the pony that you wanted, but, yeah, here I am, and here's how I'm proving myself to you. So what are some of the boundaries
7:54 that have to overcome in order us for the desire attachment with God? And then maybe what is an example of a time that he really showed up for you?
8:03 Yeah. That's a really great question. And I think kinda how you phrase it first is really important. What do we do when that attachment isn't there? And I think the reality is is we have seen everything under the sun.
8:13 From really when my dad wrote the blessing, that came out of a conversation with a young man who was in a psychiatric hospital. He had actually tried to commit suicide because he had gotten a b as
8:25 in boy, not a d as in dog, in a non major PE course. He had gotten sick and had missed a couple of classes, and so he was gonna get a letter b, And he knew that if he went
8:37 home, his dad was never gonna tell him he was proud of him. It was never gonna be enough. And so he just decided, I've tried my whole life to get his affirmation, and I blew it. So what's the point? And we see that on a
8:49 variety of scales or people numb. Maybe there's addiction involved in variety of forms. Maybe we seek that out in terms of trying to find relationships, but we just keep repeating unhealthy patterns. But we see
9:00 everything imaginable on that spectrum when that attachment has been broken or when we realize, oh my gosh, maybe I'm never ever gonna get it. And so that's really why it's so critical. And the
9:12 beautiful thing is, is that God can not only provide that attachment, but he can heal that brokenness. And then in a lot of cases, he can even help us go back to that person who hurt us with healthy boundaries, with
9:24 things in place, and even bless them and forgive them for what they did. And so that's really where it starts. But for me, just to give you an an example from my life, like I said, I grew up I was so blessed to grow up
9:34 in a home that modeled that. That is 1 thing that I love. I love getting to work with my dad. It's literally 1 of the greatest blessings of my life and it's such a fun season. But I can honestly say that he's the real
9:44 deal. He lives out what he does and what he has preached and talked about for his whole ministry, and I'm really blessed with that. So, I mean, I grew up knowing those 3 things. I grew up having that modeled, but it's a
9:55 choice. And for me, God felt incredibly abstract. I wasn't really into rules without relationship, and was really kinda struggling with how to build that piece of it. So I ended up, long story short, walking away from
10:06 faith and family. I ended up eloping, which is like probably not the best thing to do when you have a dad in marriage and family ministry, but I did it. You were
10:13 stretching your limits. Oh, yeah.
10:15 I I put them through it. That's for sure. Sorry, mom and dad. But, yeah. You know, and I found myself smack dab in the middle of an abusive relationship. And several years into that, there was a moment where I was so
10:26 incredibly broken, and he had gotten really violent. Normally, when that would happen, he would go in the other room and kinda pretend like nothing had ever happened, and play video games or whatever he was gonna do that
10:37 night. But that particular evening, he left. And that was the moment where I just said, you know what, God, if you're real, I don't care what you do, and I don't care how you do it, just get me out. Get me out. And
10:47 without exaggeration, 10 minutes later, there was a knock on the door. It was 1 of his friends, 1 of the very few people who actually knew what was happening in our relationship. My family didn't even know where I was
10:57 living. They didn't know where I was. I had completely isolated myself. He had actually seen my ex husband drive by and was like, I just I can't watch this anymore. You need to know that you deserve better. I've got a
11:08 safe place for you to stay if you wanna pack up some stuff and leave. And that was the beginning for me. I mean, I still I left that night. I did end up coming back, and it was still a process to actually get out. But
11:20 that was the first moment when I realized, you know what? Maybe God actually does care about me. Maybe there is something to this attachment thing with a attachment thing with a God that wants something to do with my
11:29 life. So I think, again, it's looking at it and saying, hey, where has God shown up for you? Maybe it's something like that, or maybe it's small moments. And I I actually have a journal. I call it my blessing journal,
11:40 and I have written down every single time that I can think of where the Lord has shown up. Answered prayers, things that he's done, little things, big things. And it is such a great way, especially when you're in a
11:50 season where you're like, where are you? Are you coming this time? What's going on? To be able to go back and be like, you know what? If he did it here and he did it here, there is no way in the world he is not gonna do
12:01 it this time. And I can't wait to see what he's gonna show up with. It might not look the way I thought, but he's gonna show up.
12:09 I love that drawing connection between you said, like, healthy attachments. Forget all 3 things, but you said 1 of them is when you reach out, that they reach back. And so that prayer that you had of just if you're real,
12:20 get me out of this. And then 10 minutes later, someone shows up. So that seems like kind of the maybe the turning point of you and God building back that healthy attachment with him. And so just curious, like, what did
12:32 kind of healing and recovery kind of look like after that months, years after of just rebuilding that attachment with him?
12:40 Yeah. I mean, healing was hard and also slow, but it was so powerful and so necessary. And so necessary. And so about a month after that, I did end up leaving for good. I knew that I needed to physically get out of
12:52 state. Otherwise, I was gonna end up just right back in that cycle. And so I did and got some help and got connected with a church that they did a lot of freedom work and got connected with a great counselor. And so I
13:03 really did begin this journey of healing. And it was about a year before I felt like I was kinda back on to my own 2 feet. And then it took several more after that of healing. And gosh, that was
13:15 2010, 2009, 2010. We're pretty far out from that at this point, and I'm so blessed that God brought my incredible husband Joey along and our boys and all these things. But here's the reality about healing. It
13:27 happens in layers, and God is so kind to do it in a way that we can handle. Because it's painful to walk through those moments, but it's also freeing. And when we choose to say yes to him in those little moments, he
13:38 shows up, and those little layers that get peeled back, That's what gives us freedom. But, know, there's still layers that happen. I remember when Joey and I first got married, the first 6 months of our marriage, he
13:49 traveled a lot for work. He's a cinematographer, cameraman, and he does a lot of sporting events. So he would travel and he couldn't answer his phone. Obviously, if you're filming on the 50 yard line and pick up your
14:00 phone and miss a big play, you're gonna lose your job. Literally couldn't answer his phone. And I was having anxiety panic attacks because I was like, well, what are you is he really where he says he is because of what I
14:11 had experienced? And it was nothing about Joey, but it was a whole another layer of healing that I couldn't do until we were married and then that relationship where I then but God again showed up and it's, hey, with
14:22 counselors, with friends, with Him, He's able to walk us through this journey of healing. And I think 1 of the most significant moments for me was when I felt like God literally walked me back through each of those
14:32 moments of abuse that happened. And it was like, He showed me where He was in those moments and allowed me to kinda have some healing with him in that, and then also be able to forgive what had happened. There's no
14:44 contact in that relationship. There's not going to be. There shouldn't be. The boundaries are very heavily in place. But I also realized that I had to forgive him, and there was nothing that he could do or say that was
14:55 gonna undo what was done. And I think sometimes we get hung up on that. Well, if they were to just say this in this way, I would be fine. The reality is you wouldn't. There is nothing that they can do or say that is
15:06 gonna undo the hurt that's happened. It's only Jesus that can undo that hurt that has happened, and by walking through that process with him, and that's where real healing and real freedom comes. But it's a journey. It's
15:16 a lifelong journey, and God is always working on that onion.
15:19 That's a good way to put it. I think there was this point in our culture where the word closure came into play, and then everybody had this expectation of closure and this
15:31 magic moment where somebody confesses or somebody says the right thing or you get through things. And I think that, obviously, there are moments where we can say, hey. That's firmly behind me. But the
15:42 expectation of closure can really mess us up in our minds because we have this thought that healing is supposed to look a certain way. Either I'm supposed to be over it, but every relationship we have,
15:54 we kinda carry that filter into the next 1. And I think that it's such a good picture of what you just said. Going back to the person that hurt you isn't necessarily what brings you healing. It was that if we have any
16:06 hope, it's that no matter what's happened to us individually, we can go to God in that. And God is consistent, and he's reliable. And in going to him, he can set us free. We may not have
16:17 closure with a certain individual or always have reconciliation or those types of things, but going to God and attaching in that relationship and kind of peeling the layers of that filter off, not
16:29 everybody is gonna be like that relationship. How can we kind of unwind the recording that we've developed in some of those difficult unattached relationships that we go through?
16:41 And I think that's a really valid point because there was work involved in healing on my end, and a huge piece of that was when that voice would come up and tell me I mean, it was everything from you're a terrible driver
16:51 even though I'd never had a speeding ticket, or I I remember having an anxiety attack in the grocery store because I was like, whatever I come home with, it's going to be the wrong thing even if I followed the list. And
17:01 so it was like, couldn't even buy groceries. Every time that that voice would come up of like, you can't do that. You're not worth it. You're x y or z expletive. It was like, you know what? No. Let's stop right now.
17:13 Jesus says this about me. This is true. I'm not gonna believe that. Be silent. And let's replace that with truth, and I'm gonna choose to forgive you even though I don't really want to right now. And then eventually, it
17:24 got easier. And again, I think let me just give you an example, like you said, of of how God can help us. Really, he can help us close those loops. I mean, not just with my story, how he did, but we throughout the year
17:34 run book clubs where we go through each of our books and have people join us like on Zoom and walk through them together. So we were doing 1 on the blessing probably, like, 6 months ago, and there was this awesome woman
17:44 who was on it. Her name was Nancy. She was in her mid seventies, and she came on because her son was really struggling and wanted to find a way to bless him. And we're on week 5 of 6, and in that week, they were
17:56 reading their blessings. So there's a chapter in the book where we give them a blessing, and she hadn't said a word in any of the other sessions, and she hops on and she's like, alright, I've gotta start this week. And
18:06 so you're sitting there going, uh-oh, this is either gonna be really good or really bad. Where are we headed? And she goes, okay, I gotta tell you. She was like, I started reading this blessing, and I got to about line 3
18:16 and I was just weeping. And for the first time in my life, I felt like God had his hand on my shoulder and was looking at me and saying, Nancy, I believe these things about you. These are true. And for the first time, I
18:28 believed it. She was like, I feel lighter. My vision is different. Everything about her was different. And she had this incredible moment. We're all crying. It was beautiful. So the next week happens, and she comes back
18:39 on and she goes, alright, I gotta start again. And again, I'm like, oh my gosh. She probably had the worst week ever and doesn't believe any of it. We're gonna have to do like a full crisis intervention. And she goes,
18:48 you are not gonna believe what happened. She goes, I have just been rereading and reading and reading and letting that sink into my heart. And she goes, the other night, I went to sleep and I had a dream. And in my
18:59 dream, my mom was sitting in a chair, and her mom really was the source of the majority of her life trauma. Her mom had mental health issues. She had some addiction issues. She was very abusive towards
19:10 Nancy. She also ended up committing suicide, so there was just a lot of hurt and pain and trauma there. And also, something like that, she's gone. There is no way to have that closure moment. But she
19:22 said, my mom was sitting in this chair, and I was able to walk up to her and put my hand on her shoulder, and tell her I forgave her and give her a blessing. And she was like, I feel free.
19:33 Everything is different. And so, I mean, I firmly believe that God gives us those closure moments. And it might look different. For me, it was walking through them 1 by 1 and having to deal with it. For Nancy, it was a
19:45 dream where she got to have that moment with her mom. My dad has had his own closure moment with his dad who passed away without giving him a blessing or any affirmation. So the Lord is able to give that to us in his
19:56 kindness and in his grace to help us heal and move forward.
20:00 1 of the things you mentioned in some of the yeah. Yeah. Pause for a moment just thinking that. But, yeah, 1 of the things you mentioned, the word value keeps coming to mind as you're talking, especially related to
20:12 abuse recovery. Some of the things you said, like, can I get the grocery list wrong, and I I just can't kinda do anything right? What was kind of the role in understanding your value in God's eyes? Because we talk here a
20:23 lot about seeing yourself through God's eyes and identity, and I think that's a key kind of component in recovery. But, also, it was interesting because you had earlier said part of healthy attachment is
20:35 understanding your value. So I'm wondering if you could kinda discuss some of that as well.
20:40 Yeah. It's a really great question, and it's true. I mean, abuse literally systematically dismantles your value, and it's amazing how adept abuse can be, taking the very ways that we were created
20:52 specifically and uniquely, and twisting them into a way where they're either not worth it or destructive or something to be used against you as a weapon. And so when I came out of that relationship, not only did I think
21:03 that I had no value because he would tell me that, or no one's ever gonna want you because of x, y, or z, or because I've done this to you, or whatever the thing is. And being able to have a place to start was
21:15 really due to the blessing for me. Like I said, my dad, the initial book actually came out the year I was born, which was really cool. And then my dad has lived that out. And so 1 of the big components of the blessing, 1
21:27 of the 5 elements is attaching high value. And I remember when I was in the middle of that abusive relationship, like I said, my family didn't know where I was. They didn't know the full extent of what was going on. They
21:37 just knew something was horrifically, horrifically wrong and that they had basically lost their daughter. He got some email, I think, from Les Schwab or some tire company saying, Carrie needs new tires. And so he texts
21:47 me, and he's like, if you show up, I will buy you new tires. And I kinda did the cost benefit analysis in my mind, thousand dollars for tires, The absolute heck I'm gonna have to face from my ex husband when
21:59 I get home. What's worth it? And so I was like, tires. We'll do tires. So I show up and my dad gave me a list of 10 truths about who I was, 10 character traits, 10 things that he saw in me.
22:11 And I'll tell you, I didn't see any of those in me at that moment in my life. And I almost didn't even take the paper, but I'm really glad that I did because I found myself when I got home, an incident would happen and
22:23 I'd find myself going in the bathroom and pulling out that piece of paper. And at first, it was like, yeah, none of this is true. And then it was, gosh, I want it to be true. And then eventually, it was, well, maybe it
22:32 can be. And I remember when I finally got out, that was really a building block for me to go back to and say, these are all things that are true about who I am. And a couple years later, I was able to hand the paper
22:44 back to my dad and say, I believe it. I believe all these things. But it really was a journey of having to say, you know what, God? How do you see me? Let's really heal these broken pieces and replace it with truth
22:55 because God's word is full of truth about how he sees us, and the unique and wonderful ways that we're created, and really letting him begin to drive that value. It was a journey. I mean, that took that was a couple
23:06 years down the road to be able to say, yeah, I believe it, Which is incredible, because my dad was like, you finally are able to look us in the eye. I went from, I mean, if you had asked me how I felt about paper towels,
23:17 I would have not been able to tell you because I was afraid of getting the answer wrong. So from that to being able to say, I believe this list and more, is just a testament to what God is capable of when we trust him
23:28 with those small things and continue to walk through the journey that he sets before us.
23:32 It is incredible how we were having conversations about other things, and somebody said the quote of it takes 20 years to build a reputation and about 10 seconds to lose it. And that type of
23:44 concept, you can have all the people in the world tell you you have value and you have worth and speaking good into you. And sometimes the power of 1 voice
23:55 that overrides so many others, so many people. I mean, I can have people in my life that will encourage me in different ways, and there's the couple of negative voices in my past that
24:07 I'm like, ugh. And I will give more weight. And I'm almost 50 years old, Carrie, so I might be signing up for some of your coaching courses. But I think we all do that. It doesn't matter how many times we go to church.
24:19 It doesn't matter. It's not about your religion. It is about the love of God that is available to all of us. And that 1 thing I love about John, and I've said this before, I have
24:31 watched John over the years and will be at meals with people, and John is watching who to include. I remember the first time I was being quiet because I'm nervous, and here's all these people. I mean, there's doctor John
24:41 Trent. There's all these people there. And John knew that I hadn't said anything, and he invited me into the conversation. Question, and he saw me. And I think your dad is 1 of the brilliant fathers that will
24:53 do that, that will see people. But it's so hard to step away from that 1 voice or those 2 voices that make you feel so small, that make you feel so rejected and so unloved. So,
25:05 I mean, I know that we don't have all the answers to all that hurts the heart, but why do you think that 1 voice can so overwhelm so many others?
25:15 Yeah. That's a great question, and and that is so true about my dad. I mean, I think God has really gifted him with with an ability to just see people, and I hope that all of us are choose to be aware in those situations
25:25 of how can we draw people in and make them feel valued and included because they are. But I think that's a really great question, and we tend to remember the negatives. We do tend to remember the criticisms. We do tend
25:37 to remember the mistakes. But the reality is is that we can change the narrative, but it does take active participation on our part to do that. And I have days and Joey, my husband,
25:49 calls it stacking. Something happens, and then I'm like, well, and there's this, and there's this, and pretty soon, it's like it started off with something minimal and now I'm like, I'm pathetic and should just quit at
25:59 everything. And he's like, Carrie, we have stacked the blocks. And so I think some of it is kinda going, alright, we may not be able to change that initial emotion. If you're in a dark movie theater, for example, and
26:11 somebody's walking by and they've got on some good sized heels, so like some sharp sharp heels, and you've got on sandals, and they accidentally step on your foot. What's your first reaction? Probably, ouch. Then a
26:21 variety of anger or some frustration or what the heck? Why would you do that? But then once they're apologetic and, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And you realize, okay, I'm not in danger. They're probably not gonna step on
26:33 my foot again. They're really sorry. You're able to kinda calm down and see the situation differently. And I think for us, that's kinda what happens. We can't change that initial reaction, but what we can do is be able
26:44 to say, alright. That happened and I'm feeling it. How do we get back down? How do we deescalate to where I can look at this appropriately and be able to do something about it and respond correctly?
26:56 And so the more that we work that muscle, the easier it becomes. So let me give you an example. When I start stacking, Joey's like, okay. How can we start taking some blocks down? And 1 of the things that I've realized
27:07 that I need to do is that's often an indicator that Carrie needs to go for a walk. I need to get outside. I need to change the environment. I maybe need a break because I'm overstimulated with the kids or whatever else
27:17 is happening. And I need 15 to 20 minutes of well, there's no sunshine here because I live in Seattle, but of outside air and maybe some worship music or a podcast. I need a little break.
27:29 And being able to do that and come back, all of a sudden, I'm able to look at the pieces differently. Okay. They're not stacked up. They're linear, and I need to do this 1 and shuffle here and do that and this. And I'm
27:39 not worthless. I just needed to get the pieces in order. Or 1 other thing that we try really hard to do here in our in our home is if 1 of us says something negative about ourselves or I mean, I never say anything
27:50 negative about my kids or Joey, but if my oldest son calls our youngest son stupid because that is real and happens, we say, alright. You need to say 3 nice things. Say 3 nice things. He needs to maybe then say 3
28:02 nice things about his little brother. Or if I say something negative about myself, I need to to say 3 nice things. And it's hard to do. It's really kinda saying, hey. What can I do to begin to take these things
28:13 captive and not let it? That initial reaction is gonna happen, but what can I do to get us back down? So figuring out, do I need to walk? Do I need to say 3 nice things? What are some tools I can put in my tool
28:25 belt to begin to change the words that are replayed in my brain?
28:29 I really like that because for 1, it's just super practical, and I think that's 1 of our hopes on hope talks. And just as you probably know in our ministry in general, how do we actually do this?
28:41 How do we follow Christ? How do we recover from things? I love that for being so practical. The other thing is so many times people believe that hurt, they struggle.
28:53 And a lot of secular psychology, I'll say, if you can identify who hurt you and kind of absolve yourself of responsibility, that that is an end goal. And that is not the end goal. The whole point is
29:05 we have a power to overcome that. We have the power to go to the Lord in that. And even if it was apparent that as children, it seems like that's the highest authority that we have, we can, like you
29:17 said, we can practice a new narrative. We can practice bringing that person down or that trauma down to a place that has less and less power over us because that is
29:29 hope. That is genuinely hope to recover and to do things new. And I think that when we recognize the sources of some of those hurts in our lives
29:41 and like you said, sometimes you can't even go back and resolve that with the person. You can't go have a conversation with it. And if we felt like it was to heal that that was required, well, then we would be hopeless
29:53 because that person's dead, and I can't even go give them a piece of my mind. Or I don't even have a relationship with them. I can't go fix this. But you can always go to God. And just like what God did with that woman,
30:02 and she had that experience in her heart. The bible's full of times that dreams were impacted. I've worked a lot in the Middle East and have met a lot of people who have had dreams. God is so big, and his
30:14 healing is so deep, and we can go to him in that. So I love the practical aspect of that and just reminding people that are listening. If somebody is coming to mind that has
30:26 impacted their value or their sense of self worth, and I'm saying it to myself, we can go to God. But like you said, we have to have a little skin in the game. We have to practice that out because we
30:38 get to. It's not we have to, but we get to practice it. And when we practice it, God gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And that person's mouth or that person, how they heard us, gets smaller and smaller. So
30:50 I love that.
30:53 And can I tag on to that for a second? Because I think the other important side of this is what if we're the ones that messed up? What if it's shame and guilt that's actually keeping us from thinking that we have any
31:05 type of value? Because we've just blown it. And been there, and unfortunately, some of my biggest mistakes in life, some of the things I regret the most in my life are after I found Jesus, which you'd think would be the
31:16 opposite, but it's not because we're not perfect people. And so I think if that's something that people struggle with, and at this point in my life, I tend to feel that more than I do what other people have said and done
31:28 to me. I tend to look at mistakes that I've made or a situation that I didn't handle perfectly or something where I'm like, if I could just go back and undo that. And so if that's your story, I think the reality is that
31:39 some of that stuff is the same. It really is. I have to get from my head to my heart that Jesus really has forgiven me, and that He still thinks I have value. And there's a couple ways to do that,
31:51 but 1 story, and then 1 practical thing, I think, to help. There's 2 times in the Bible where the word charcoal is used, And it's in the New Testament, and it's in John, and it's where the first 1 is where
32:03 Peter denies Christ, and he's standing over a charcoal fire. And the rooster crows, and everything that Jesus said about him denying him has happened. And he, at that
32:15 point, Jesus is crucified. The disciples kinda scatter and are in hiding. And what does he do? He goes back to fishing because that's what he knows how to do. That's the only thing I can do. I'm just going right back to
32:25 where I was. Forget all of this. I'm going back to what I can do. And when he's fishing, what happens? A voice calls out from the shore, caught anything? Nope. Well, why don't you put your nets on the other
32:37 side? And all of a sudden, it's filled with fish. And he realizes it's Jesus on that shore. And he runs up to see him and sits down with him over a charcoal
32:49 fire. And it's over that fire where he asks him, do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me? 3 times for those 3 denials. And then he gives him a new purpose. He sets him on a path to feed my
33:01 sheep, build my church. He gives him a future, and so the past does not dictate our future. It has a peace in our story, but it does not have to control the outcome of our story because of
33:12 Jesus. And so maybe let Jesus set you down over a charcoal fire. Hey, it's not about where you've been. It's about where you're going. Let's get there together. Maybe it's writing a verse on a card about how as far as
33:23 the east is from the west. So is his love for us and and how he just his forgiveness or maybe it's even he will never leave you nor forsake you. Hebrews 13 5. Whatever it is or my dad, when I was really struggling at 1
33:35 point, he sent me a picture of Gandalf from Lord of the Rings and it was like, you shall not pass. And I like printed it out and put it on the little card, and it was like, okay. Every time that that shame voice comes
33:46 up, no, you don't get to do that. And I'm gonna speak truth, and I'm gonna stop, and I'm gonna say, God says that I am forgiven, that I am enough, that I am valuable, and and really taking authority
33:58 over those things. Because shame can be just as detrimental as when someone has hurt us as well.
34:04 Yeah. That's so good, Carrie. That's so good.
34:07 Yeah. That's 1 of the things I was gonna kinda ask and mention about was just, it seems like renewing your mind is a huge part of this recovery process, truly believing that God
34:18 loves you. Loves you, Carrie. Loves you, Hailey. Loves me. Not the world in general, not the church in general, but actually yourself, the person. And so but, yeah, I I feel like
34:30 there's just guilt, shame. There's a handful of other things like our background that hinder just what are the things that kind of prevent us from really believing that as you've worked with people? Like, what are other
34:41 things that kind of because I know I struggle with that. I know a lot of people struggle with that. Yeah. I know God loves me, but it's like in those moments where you're struggling or hurt, you kind of fall back on that
34:51 default.Show more
Comments No comments yet. Start the conversation.
Comments
Keep it kind. Comments are public.