Skip to content Healing from Verbal & Emotional Abuse Aug 14 · 1 hr 1 min ...more
Healing from Verbal & Emotional Abuse
August 14, 2025 · 1 hr 1 min
Verbal and emotional abuse is often invisible and hard to detect, but its effects run deep. In this episode, Haley and Dustin discuss the impact and power of our words, and how abuse can shape our sense of worth, identity, and dignity. They explore what verbal and emotional abuse is — and what it isn’t — and discuss the types of verbal abuse found in Scripture as well as the subtle and not-so-subtle forms of emotional abuse. They also walk through what to do if you’ve experienced verbal and emotional abuse and steps to take if you’ve been the one who has hurt others with your words.
Whether you’ve been hurt or have hurt others, this episode provides biblical insights and practical steps to find healing and be changed by the power of God’s Word.
Subscribe to the podcast and tune in each week as Haley and Dustin share with you what the Bible says about real-life issues with compassion, warmth, and wit.
So you have every reason for hope, for every challenge in life. Because hope means
everything.
Hope Talks is a podcast of the ministry of Hope for the Heart.
Listen in to learn more :
(05:55) The Impact of Verbal Abuse
(18:36) Importance of Tone in Verbal Abuse
(25:35) Recognizing and Fighting Verbal Abuse
(34:46) Recognizing Verbal and Emotional Abuse
(39:34) Speaking Truth With Responsibility
(46:23) Healing Both Abuser and Abused
(49:55) The Power of God's Healing
(54:04) Sword of Healing and Harm (
(56:19) Addressing Verbal Abuse in Ministry
--------------
Hope for the Heart resources
Learn more and sign up for our fall Hope Together conference: https://hopetogether.com/
Order our newest resource, The Care and Counsel Handbook, providing biblical guidance 100 real-life issues: https://resource.hopefortheheart.org/care-and-counsel-handbook
Free resource on Abuse Recovery: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/breaking-free-from-abuse-resource
Bible Study of Verbal & Emotional Abuse: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/store/product/bible-study-on-understanding-verbal-emotional-abuse
Book on Verbal & Emotional Abuse: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/store/product/abuse-recovery
Video course on Verbal & Emotional Abuse: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/store/product/abuse-recovery-video-course
Connect with Hope for the Heart on social!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/hopefortheheart
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hopefortheheart
Want to talk with June Hunt on Hope in the Night about a difficult life issue? Schedule a time here: https://resource.hopefortheheart.org/talk-with-june-hope-in-the-night
God’s plan for you: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/gods-plan-for-you/
Give to the ministry of Hope for the Heart: https://raisedonors.com/hopefortheheart/givehope?sc=HTPDON
----------------------------
Bible verses mentioned in this episode
James 3:3-10 — When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.
Series Hope Talks August 14, 2025 · 1 hr 1 min · Hope Talks
Verbal and emotional abuse is often invisible and hard to detect, but its effects run deep. In this episode, Haley and Dustin discuss the impact and power of our words, and how abuse can shape our sense of worth, identity, and dignity. They explore what verbal and emotional abuse is — and what it isn’t — and discuss the types of verbal abuse found in Scripture as well as the subtle and not-so-subtle forms of emotional abuse. They also walk through what to do if you’ve experienced verbal and emotional abuse and steps to take if you’ve been the one who has hurt others with your words. Whether you’ve been hurt or have hurt others, this episode provides biblical insights and practical steps to find healing and be changed by the power of God’s Word. Subscribe to the podcast and tune in each week as Haley and Dustin share with you what the Bible says about real-life issues with compassion, warmth, and wit. So you have every reason for hope, for every challenge in life. Because hope means everything. Hope Talks is a podcast of the ministry of Hope for the Heart. Listen in to learn more : (05:55) The Impact of Verbal Abuse (18:36) Importance of Tone in Verbal Abuse (25:35) Recognizing and Fighting Verbal Abuse (34:46) Recognizing Verbal and Emotional Abuse (39:34) Speaking Truth With Responsibility (46:23) Healing Both Abuser and Abused (49:55) The Power of God's Healing (54:04) Sword of Healing and Harm ( (56:19) Addressing Verbal Abuse in Ministry -------------- Hope for the Heart resources Learn more and sign up for our fall Hope Together conference: https://hopetogether.com/ Order our newest resource, The Care and Counsel Handbook, providing biblical guidance 100 real-life issues: https://resource.hopefortheheart.org/care-and-counsel-handbook Free resource on Abuse Recovery: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/breaking-free-from-abuse-resource Bible Study of Verbal & Emotional Abuse: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/store/product/bible-study-on-understanding-verbal-emotional-abuse Book on Verbal & Emotional Abuse: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/store/product/abuse-recovery Video course on Verbal & Emotional Abuse: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/store/product/abuse-recovery-video-course Connect with Hope for the Heart on social! Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/hopefortheheart Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hopefortheheart Want to talk with June Hunt on Hope in the Night about a difficult life issue? Schedule a time here: https://resource.hopefortheheart.org/talk-with-june-hope-in-the-night God’s plan for you: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/gods-plan-for-you/ Give to the ministry of Hope for the Heart: https://raisedonors.com/hopefortheheart/givehope?sc=HTPDON ---------------------------- Bible verses mentioned in this episode James 3:3-10 — When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. ...more Show the full description Show less Verbal and emotional abuse is often invisible and hard to detect, but its effects run deep. In this episode, Haley and Dustin discuss the impact and power of our words, and how abuse can shape our sense of worth, identity, and dignity. They explore what verbal and emotional abuse is — and what it isn’t — and discuss the types of verbal abuse found in Scripture as well as the subtle and not-so-subtle forms of emotional abuse. They also walk through what to do if you’ve experienced verbal and emotional abuse and steps to take if you’ve been the one who has hurt others with your words.
Whether you’ve been hurt or have hurt others, this episode provides biblical insights and practical steps to find healing and be changed by the power of God’s Word.
Subscribe to the podcast and tune in each week as Haley and Dustin share with you what the Bible says about real-life issues with compassion, warmth, and wit.
So you have every reason for hope, for every challenge in life. Because hope means
everything.
Hope Talks is a podcast of the ministry of Hope for the Heart.
Listen in to learn more :
(05:55) The Impact of Verbal Abuse
(18:36) Importance of Tone in Verbal Abuse
(25:35) Recognizing and Fighting Verbal Abuse
(34:46) Recognizing Verbal and Emotional Abuse
(39:34) Speaking Truth With Responsibility
(46:23) Healing Both Abuser and Abused
(49:55) The Power of God's Healing
(54:04) Sword of Healing and Harm (
(56:19) Addressing Verbal Abuse in Ministry
--------------
Hope for the Heart resources
Learn more and sign up for our fall Hope Together conference: https://hopetogether.com/
Order our newest resource, The Care and Counsel Handbook, providing biblical guidance 100 real-life issues: https://resource.hopefortheheart.org/care-and-counsel-handbook
Free resource on Abuse Recovery: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/breaking-free-from-abuse-resource
Bible Study of Verbal & Emotional Abuse: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/store/product/bible-study-on-understanding-verbal-emotional-abuse
Book on Verbal & Emotional Abuse: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/store/product/abuse-recovery
Video course on Verbal & Emotional Abuse: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/store/product/abuse-recovery-video-course
Connect with Hope for the Heart on social!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/hopefortheheart
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hopefortheheart
Want to talk with June Hunt on Hope in the Night about a difficult life issue? Schedule a time here: https://resource.hopefortheheart.org/talk-with-june-hope-in-the-night
God’s plan for you: https://www.hopefortheheart.org/gods-plan-for-you/
Give to the ministry of Hope for the Heart: https://raisedonors.com/hopefortheheart/givehope?sc=HTPDON
----------------------------
Bible verses mentioned in this episode
James 3:3-10 — When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.
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0:00 Taking any thought you have about yourself or any negative message you've heard from others and just kind of lining it up with God's word. I keep hearing this about myself or I keep saying this about myself. Right. God's0:11 word actually says this, Like, which 1 am I gonna believe and walk in?0:17 Welcome to Hope Talks. We're your hosts. I'm Haley Scully along with Dustin Anderson, and we wanna give you every reason for hope for every challenge in life because hope means everything.0:29 Hi, Hailey. Hi, that's Stinch.0:32 She's waving at me for those who are listening. Today, we're talking about verbal and emotional abuse. Yeah. And I was actually gonna say we're gonna talk about our most 1 of our most popular topics. Yeah. And have0:43 people guess which topic that would be. But it's actually verbal and emotional abuse. We have here at Hope for the Heart books and resources on over 100 topics and year after year consistently for a long time now, verbal0:55 and emotional abuse has been 1 of our most0:58 1 of our best0:58 Downloaded requested purchase topics. And so I do wanna start sharing a scripture here in a little bit, but I just wanted to say just kind of upfront by way of reminder, we're about 651:10 episodes in.1:11 I know. Can you believe That's just awesome. Crazy.1:14 Cool to celebrate. Yeah. If you're new to Hope Talks, catch up on old episodes, subscribe, leave a review. We would really love and appreciate all of that. Also, check out. I'll put links in the description, but
1:26 for 2 things, the Hope Together conference is coming up in September at the end of September. 3 days of fun, encouragement, training, Jenny Allen, Christine Cain, Mark Baterson, George
1:38 Barna, so many people. But check out that conference, and then also I'll put a link to the new Care and Counsel Handbook Yes, ma'am. Coming out September ninth.
1:45 Just a little bit going on this year. Yeah. And I will say, you said ask people to kind of remember to subscribe, kinda help our membership grow. It's been fun, all the people that have been plugging into Hope Talks this
1:57 year. And I know when we're recording this last week, the singleness podcast, that episode, which I was, you know, just super excited to get out here and talk all about that again. It was so great. Thank you again for
2:07 that. We got some great feedback on a YouTube episode of that. Just some feedback on Facebook and stuff. So we love to hear your questions, your comments, kind of your responses. I think as we share that with 1 another,
2:18 people get other perspectives. So Yeah. I just really enjoyed that.
2:23 The comments have been so encouraging. Yeah. And I'm deliberately transitioning here to the power of our words.
2:31 The power of words.
2:32 That's smooth. Thank you. Uh-huh. So but it's so true. The comments we get on Facebook and stuff have just been super encouraging Yeah. About people just really relating to a topic we discussed or
2:44 just encouraging both of us.
2:46 Yeah. It's kinda weird because we come in and we've worked together for almost 10 years now.
2:51 You
2:51 just had your 10 year anniversary. So we've worked together for 10 years. It does kinda feel like we're just having a conversation like we would over theological discussions or, you know, we just it's still like a safe
3:02 place in this room, but then it gets shared. And so it has been encouraging to know that the Lord is connecting that. That's what we wanted to do. We wanted to talk about what hope practically looks like and bring
3:14 stories of what that looks like. And when we say our hope is in the Lord in issues like verbal and emotional abuse, what does that look like? So I really enjoyed the conversations, the power of words,
3:26 and especially, like, words in relation to hope and sharing the hope of the Lord is something that we hope to do well.
3:33 Let me open the discussion by reading from, I think, 1 of the, I would say, 1 of the key passages on not just verbal and emotional abuse per se, but just kind of the power of our words. So Proverbs talks a
3:45 lot about that. Jesus said out of the heart, the mouth speaks.
3:48 Mhmm.
3:49 And so and there's a lot of other passages that just talk about not just the power of our words, but also the different types of cursing and backbiting and slander and gossip. And so we'll get into that. But I think
4:00 James 3, probably 1 of the longer passages, but I wanted to start it because I think it kinda lays a foundation for this discussion. Yeah. And so James 3 verse 3 starts, if we put
4:12 bits in the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide our whole bodies as well. Look at ships also. They are so large and they are driven by strong winds yet they're guided by a very small rudder wherever the will
4:22 of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small part of the body, yet it boasts of great things. And he keeps going. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire. The tongue is also a fire,
4:34 a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, our body parts, staining the whole body, setting on fire the whole entire course of life. For every kind of beast and bird and reptile
4:46 and sea creature can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind. He keeps going, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil full of deadly poison. I know. You can
4:58 sense his frustration, but he goes he keeps going. With it, we bless our Lord and father, and with it, we curse people who are made in the image and likeness of God. For out of the same mouth come blessing and
5:10 cursing. And I love how he kinda end this. My brothers, these things ought not be so. You can sense his frustration Yeah. In that passage. He has all these metaphors
5:21 of steering a ship or taming an animal or starting a whole forest is set on fire by a, you know, a small spark. Mhmm. And then he compares that to our tongue, then he just keeps going. It's full of deadly
5:33 poison and unrighteousness and all this stuff. And he kinda realizes our words, our tongue has this incredible capacity for evil and for harm. But he also sneaks in there, we bless
5:45 our Lord and Father with it, and then we curse image bearers of God. And so there's a proverb also, this clearly stated more succinct 1 that says, the tongue has the power of life and death. And I think as we talk
5:57 about verbal and emotional abuse, that's kind of what I think of. It's bringing to light something scripture talks about just the the harm that our words can do. That idea of sticks and stones may break my bones, but
6:08 words will never hurt me. It's very not true. But then also, I would love to talk as well about just the impact of encouragement of using our words for good as well. And then 1 other thing
6:20 is just as we've talked about this and in our books and our resources on verbal and emotional abuse, there's quite a bit of that that's leaned toward the person who's kind of received this Mhmm. Has heard
6:32 harmful things, has heard negative messages Yeah.
6:35 Called victory over the power of abuse. Yeah. Yeah. Talking about victory.
6:39 So and as you kind of said when we were prepping, this is kind of something that has happened to you. It's 1 of those topics where it's kind of like you've experienced it.
6:47 Right.
6:47 But at the same time, I think we do want to talk a little bit about
6:51 If you're the abuser.
6:52 If dare I say, if you're guilty of shouting or yelling or cursing or insulting others, there are so many areas of our lives where I think it's 1 of those things where it's helpful to think of how
7:04 we've been impacted by this, where we might need healing from. Maybe there's internal dialogue that we've become accustomed to over the years because of it, and we need to heal that and remind ourselves of
7:16 what God's word says. But then also, if there's areas of our lives where we need to repent and check out our hearts and just acknowledge, okay, I could use my words in a more positive way.
7:26 Yeah. Now, I personally don't wanna be convicted of that at all. So I'll just let you talk about that, and I'll talk about being on the victim end of it. No. I think all of that is so important. I mean, there's a couple
7:37 of things that come to mind. This was and has been traditionally 1 of our top sellers because I think everybody at some point, somebody has been unkind to them. And, again, it may be a
7:48 continuum of the level of abuse that that is. Maybe it is very emotionally abusive, which is so damaging or verbally abusive. So what we try to do is not
8:00 prescribe the depth of what somebody has been through. So when we talk about this a little bit, we're not trying to be flippant or some people it's gonna be really big and really deep. And then some people, they had a
8:11 neighborhood bully or somebody that's been unkind to them. But probably at some level, all of us have dealt with that in some way. And so that's 1 of the reasons why this topic has
8:23 been 1 that people have kind of gravitated toward. How do we respond to that? Because a lot of times people don't know what to say. They don't know how to respond when somebody
8:35 is being emotionally or verbally hurtful to them. And not every time that somebody corrects you or says something, not every conflict that comes at you
8:46 is verbal or emotional abuse. In my family, we have my niece told my brother 1 time, I don't remember if I said this out loud, but when she was little, he told her no about something. And
8:57 she said, don't tell me no, it hurts my feelings. And so that's 1 of our family lines now. Don't tell me no, it hurts my But I think that's part of the power of this in defining
9:09 what is verbal abuse, what is emotional abuse. Because some people, based on what they think that means, they may either give themselves an out because they think what they're doing isn't. Well, I'm
9:21 just raising my kids to be strong.
9:23 Giving them a
9:23 tough skin. Yeah. Giving them a tough skin or a boss or a coach. I think sometimes we'll justify certain things, and there may be a little bit of an opportunity for the Holy Spirit to say, hey, you're kinda teetering.
9:34 You might need to remember kindness and remember what has been most effective in your life to grow you. Was it the hammering or was it the
9:46 helping? And then helping people not feel like victims over every piece of confrontation. So identifying what it is. It's a great thing to, like, even study as a small group. I think it would be great
9:58 for youth groups to think about this.
10:01 Oh, yeah.
10:01 Because then you can define it, and it helps them think, oh, yeah. I don't wanna be that way or I have a tendency to be sarcastic. And sarcasm can be really damaging for some people.
10:12 Or passive aggressive or something.
10:13 We're passive aggressive. Yes. So some of those things, it's just a great topic that really makes people stop and think for a minute and really process through where they are and what happened to them and where they are
10:25 maybe and how they treat others.
10:26 Yeah. That's good. I've been trying to think of like why is this topic, again, 1 of our most popular consistently requested and downloaded topics. And I think 1 other thing too, not to keep plugging hope for
10:38 the heart stuff, but this is a hope for the heart. Well,
10:41 we do believe in what they're doing. So it's
10:43 pretty neat. So we have resources on domestic abuse, sexual abuse, a general 1 on just kind of abuse recovery.
10:51 Abuse recovery. 1 of my favorite keys.
10:53 Yeah. And I'm forgetting the other 1, spiritual abuse as well. And we have topics on 6, 7 different types of abuse. But this 1 in particular, I think if I had to guess on 1 of the reasons why it's the most
11:05 popular, not just because it might be more common, but I think it's 1 of those things that in some sense, I wanna be careful here, in some sense can just leave a lasting wound. Because if it's like a
11:17 physical abuse situation, there's very clear intervention, find safety, all of that steps. But that a physical wound will heal. But wounds from like neglect or being
11:28 constantly manipulated or deceived or something like that, Those things can impact a person for a very long time.
11:35 Yeah. They kind of mold and shape how we cope with things, what we expect from others, how we expect to be treated. The word you said a lasting effect, and there was a word that was running through my mind,
11:47 lingering. I think you're right. When somebody says something unkind to us or treats us in a way that impacts our emotions
11:55 Mhmm.
11:55 And is something that we can remember and hear. So in the second grade, Dustin.
12:00 Second grade, little Hayley Lou
12:02 Jean. Little Hayley Lou Jean. So I had a rainbow headband that was my very favorite, and I did the whole I know that if people are just listening, but, like, I would push all my bangs back and then kind of push it
12:13 forward just a little bit, so there was, a little bit of a puff. And I mean Okay. Yeah. So go Like,
12:18 maybe an extra inch
12:19 away. A little little puff up, and it was my very favorite. And then bless my mama. Okay. I'm not airing out our dirty laundry, but it was time for my mullet. Apparently. There's a lot a lot of us.
12:31 Y'all gotta go through a mullet phase.
12:33 Our lot of us Don't bring the picture. We have our our mullet phase. Second grade baby.
12:38 You're
12:38 Oh, that's right. I see that picture. Yep. Yeah. You had the baby mullet. Beyond that.
12:43 No mullets, no rat tails.
12:44 I had long blonde hair and then all of a sudden I had a mullet. And I can still remember a boy that I went to school with who I think is a good dude, his name was Jamie. He did not like my mullet.
12:56 Oh, okay.
12:57 Okay? So I won't say what he said. Second grade, I will be 50 years old. I don't know if I mentioned that. I don't know if I mentioned that I'm fixing to be 50 pretty soon. Second grade, I can still
13:08 remember. It lingers. It lingers. Those things, they usually when it really hits us emotionally, it really has something to do with something we might already be struggling with a little bit, and it affirms
13:20 it. And so it just cuts so deep words. And that's why I think helping people understand that. And some people may say, well, that's not what he meant, or that's not what anybody I didn't mean it that way. Don't be so
13:31 sensitive to listen. If you want to care for others well, if we wanna reflect Christ in this world, we don't just get to say, well, they just take it wrong. They need to know. If we care
13:43 about how we're representing the 1 that we say we represent, then it's not just about changing our message. We can still stand on the truth, but
13:55 we can do stand on the truth in ways that honor God and will actually bring results. You know, I said 1 time, do you expect to make fun of people and then they wanna follow you? That's
14:07 not how that works. So I think this topic in particular right now, there's a lot of emotions, and there have been for a long time, whatever. Emotions aren't new. But there's a lot of emotions,
14:19 and there's a lot of talk going on, or whether they're typing it out or saying it. Yeah. And so I think those of us who follow Christ in particular, doing a little check
14:31 on ourselves about how we're handling things and how we're receiving things. Said a lot right there that maybe I didn't even intend to tell. I did not know that today I would share a little bit of my mullet story.
14:43 No. That's good. I I won't say who said what or
14:45 Yeah. We gotta protect people sometimes.
14:47 But I can remember stuff. Yeah. Like, so you know the trick for knowing when how old you are and what grade? You just add 6.
14:55 What do you mean?
14:56 So in second grade, you turn 8.
14:58 I didn't know that. I never know how old somebody
15:01 So if you're in fourth grade, you turn 10. It's kind of a joke. So when it's second grade, Hayley Lugene is 8 years old.
15:07 I was 8. 8. Just a little sugar.
15:10 Yeah. So, yeah, I can remember stuff in second, third, fourth. That young when I remember it, I go
15:16 Yeah. That hermopulins.
15:20 Again, the impact of our words and just if someone's hurt by replying with toughen up. Again, James 3, deadly poison.
15:29 Be careful.
15:29 Yeah. Like Proverbs repeatedly says stuff about wounding someone like a sword. Right. Even scripture is our words hurt people.
15:38 I think that right now, just people are so used to kind of being able to type out and say things, and we don't even have to go much further down that road in this discussion today. But it's just thinking about what
15:50 is our goal? What are we trying to achieve? And sometimes how we respond to people and the tone. Although, man, I cannot stand it when these episodes step
16:02 on my own toes. This is really annoying to me. Yeah. But just taking those things into consideration. I think what's coming to mind too is Jesus would sit down and
16:15 teach and talk all day long. He would care for people. He would have all the conversations and teach them. And sometimes he knew if the message wasn't being received, he went on
16:27 to the next place. There was a time where he turned some tables over and made a bit of a scene. But 1 thing is to think about what role do I play in this person's life, and is it my place to
16:39 be telling them their business? And if not, maybe I don't need to worry about having that conversation today. But I just think as believers, we do have a higher level of accountability to look like Christ.
16:50 Yeah. And I don't think Christ was snarky.
16:55 No. Okay. It's interesting when you think of, again, Jesus, all of the conversations, all of the teaching. We have 4 gospels worth of his life and not 1 word
17:06 of just never harmed anyone Yeah. With.
17:10 He never was like, well, the jerk stores calling. So it's just like, who are we trying to model after? I think these resources and these types of conversations on these everyday
17:22 things just kind of hopefully help us take a collective breath and think, okay. Wait a second. Where am I? And is somebody really treating me poorly? And how can I handle that? Or
17:34 am I in a habit or in a rut of kind of responding this way?
17:38 So just to get into the definition a little bit of verbal and emotional abuse, we have this in our keys, but I just wanted to read it out just to get our bearings.
17:46 I think that's good.
17:47 So verbal abuse is the systematic ongoing use of harmful words or harsh tones in an attempt to control, belittle, or manipulate another person. And emotional abuse is any ongoing negative behavior
17:59 used to control or hurt another person. Emotional abuse ranges from consistent indifference to continual belittling of character. And so a couple things to pull out from those, both of them have the use of
18:11 kind of ongoing behavior. It's not like a 1 off Yeah.
18:15 Thing. It's It's not like the kid that said 1 thing to you at school, probably. It is like Yeah. The prolonged thing makes it more an abuse level and not just something that happened.
18:25 Yeah. And then I think it's intended to harm someone Yeah. Or control them or manipulate them.
18:32 Mhmm.
18:32 And so I I think having that kind of intention in mind. And then 1 other thing to highlight, especially in verbal abuse, it's not just the words themselves, but I love that we include the tone of it.
18:44 Yeah.
18:45 You can say the right thing, but you can say it in a very wrong way Mhmm. Or in a harsh way. It reminds me when I was preparing this, it was interesting to me thinking through some of the scriptures, but what I feel like
18:56 the Lord brought to mind was the 2 passages where Paul directly addresses fathers. I think the only 2, there might be a few more, but
19:04 Mhmm.
19:04 It's kind of a similar command. So in Colossians 3 and Ephesians 6, I believe, he says, fathers, don't provoke your children
19:12 Yeah.
19:12 Or don't exasperate them.
19:13 Right.
19:14 Embitter them, some translations say. But to me, in the context of the power of our words and verbal abuse, to me, it was a it was a command kind of related to that. And the idea of like, don't be harsh
19:26 with your children. And to me, something about that stuck out as a father. And I was just humbling to think about the example that I need to be setting the times when I need to control
19:38 my volume. That is not just the words themselves, but the way I say it. And so again, high level definition, it's kind of an ongoing thing. To me, it implies like there's a relationship either
19:50 with someone in your family Mhmm. Your spouse, your kids, your parents, or with a coworker.
19:56 Right.
19:56 I'm not pointing fingers at any coworkers right now.
19:59 Not any in the room.
20:00 Everyone at Hope's
20:01 Better hears a loved 1. Robert can be a little bit mean sometimes.
20:06 But to me, it implies like because it's intended to hurt someone, to me, that usually implies there's kind of a relationship where you would be hurt. Yeah. It's harder to be hurt kind of by
20:18 people that, you know, you don't really know. But Yeah. And so, again, 1 other thing I wanted to pull out on the definition side of things is we talk about in our keys, there's kind of like an overt and a covert
20:30 type of verbal and emotional abuse where overt would be very, like, directly insulting, shouting at someone
20:37 Mhmm.
20:38 Name calling, whatever. But then there's kind of, like, covert types of abuse where it's ignoring someone, neglect in more serious cases.
20:46 Passive aggression.
20:47 Being passive aggressive is kind of like that. And that's another 1 of those things, like, word invisible or hidden kept coming to mind as I was preparing this because I think there's something just invisible about
20:57 verbal and emotional abuse. Like, it happens behind closed doors, and the wounds that it leaves are invisible. Some types of abuse, they're not so overt. They're hidden
21:07 in some sense.
21:08 They're being indifferent towards someone.
21:10 Yeah.
21:10 You're neglecting someone. You're just showing you don't care. And so some of that, if you do it over time, that can really impact someone.
21:17 Right. It shapes our internal dialogue a lot of times, especially if those things are happening when we are young and we're learning what we think about ourselves and our identity and understanding who we are. A
21:29 visible wound, we see it heal. Yeah. And if something you bump it and a cut opens back up, you see it and you can address it. And so with
21:40 emotional wounds or things that we are internalizing, we can't see that as much. We don't always see the triggers. We don't always understand that I'm now operating out of my response to the way I've been hurt.
21:52 Like you said, the ongoing use of harmful words for verbal abuse, emotional abuse, the ongoing negative behavior, it kind of is its own system. You know, I read
22:04 a a meme or something at 1 point. I don't remember. But it said when an adult is mean to a child, the child doesn't hate the adult. The child hates themself. The child will
22:16 still look to that adult for love, significance, and security. You're still looking to your authority. You're still looking to the people that you perceive are supposed to be caring well for you.
22:28 Yeah. And so we don't always question them. We start to question ourselves. And it's my fault or I'm bad or so verbal and emotional abuse, like
22:40 you said, it's lasting, it lingers, and it really shapes how we respond to ourselves. Yeah. Causes depression, causes anxiety, causes loneliness,
22:52 so many destructive things. But a lot of the times, they're under the surface things that Yeah. Are hard to root out.
22:59 I'm really glad you sent that because that was like the there was 2 things that stood out. So I always try to take just right out as we're preparing this just like, Lord, what do you want for me to figure out with
23:11 this topic? And so 1 of them was the parenting side of things and just the example I'm setting as a dad. But then the other 1 was that internal dialogue. I've been thinking about this since Sheila Walsh said it when
23:23 she was
23:24 We're gonna talk about her in every podcast.
23:25 Pretty much. Now. Because she grew up in an abusive background as well. And she said Yeah.
23:30 After her dad Yeah. Was sick. Yeah.
23:32 And she said something to the effect of children are the best absorbers of information. They take in a lot like a sponge, but they're the worst interpreters of that's what it was. They're the worst interpreters.
23:44 And that just stuck with me because, again, I didn't have like a hugely abusive background Mhmm. Or anything like that. But growing up with an alcoholic parent,
23:56 I think I indirectly internalized that. Yeah. I think like that kind of immediately came to mind when she said that. Mhmm. And yeah, I think verbal and emotional abuse, it's 1 of those things where you could
24:08 directly hear you're an idiot, you're a loser, you're never amount to any you'll hear those messages. So there is that type of verbal abuse, but there's also a type of abuse where if you're
24:20 neglected or if you're ignored or whatever the situation is, you internalize it on yourself. So then that's what you start believing about yourself. And what I was praying through and
24:32 writing down as I was preparing this was just kind of like the importance of your own internal dialogue and self talk. And I think for some people, it might be the case that you
24:44 might say things about yourself that are far worse than anything someone has actually said to you or you say it more often than you've heard it.
24:53 You define yourself that way
24:55 and you really
24:56 take it on.
24:56 And that's just like even saying that out loud just breaks my heart because doctor Eric Scalise has said this a number of times. He's quoted a study that has said like for every negative thing that you've
25:08 heard, you kinda need like 17 positive things to like get you back to neutral.
25:14 That's a lot.Show more
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