Skip to content Say This Not That: Smart Parenting Tips for Misbehavior with Amber Lia and Wendy Speake Aug 18 · 45 min ...more
Say This Not That: Smart Parenting Tips for Misbehavior with Amber Lia and Wendy Speake
August 18, 2026 · 45 min
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Natural Consequences and Effective Scripts for Misbehavior 0:00 I love King Solomon's request. He could have asked for anything. And he said, God, give me wisdom as I lead this great people of yours. He's talking about a nation. Well, nation originally0:12 means family. So we've got a little nation in our home. What better question to say, god, give me wisdom as I lead this great people of yours.0:28 Hi, Dean Amber. Welcome back to Focus on the Family.0:31 Hey, Jim. Thanks for0:32 having us.0:33 Yeah. We always love being here, so it means so much.0:36 It's so good to have you guys here, and we always just talk and talk, and it's great. Some of that gets captured for the program, but but it is so good. And what a topic, you know, these scripts. And we've touched on0:47 this in previous programs, but this is a helpful tool or resource for parents to really better respond. I can remember, you know, 1 of the times disciplining Trent, and he he's0:59 just a thoughtful thinker. You know? And he was probably 6 or 7, and I was tucking him into bed after the discipline. And and I said, you know what, Trent? I I'm sorry. That I overreacted,1:12 and I just want to say I'm sorry. And then he smiled, this big smile. He's in the bunk bed. He's in the top bed because he's the firstborn, and he's looking at me eye to eye, and he had this big smile. He said, what what1:23 why are you smiling? He said, I didn't know parents had to apologize in his next suit.1:29 That's really sweet.1:30 It's so sweet, but, you know, it's just that point where we don't get it right all the time. So I I think in that regard, the challenges of parenting can be tough. I enjoyed it even with the challenges.1:42 And I man, young couples who are thinking, do we get a dog or do we have a baby? Have a baby. Because it's so much better. And, man, I'm telling you, at the end of your life, you will be fully rewarded in that1:54 relationship with your children. And we laugh about it, but seriously1:57 Mhmm.1:57 Don't let fear grip you. And I don't think there's a challenge you can go through that you're not gonna be a better person as a parent Mhmm. And have that child be a better young adult. But speak to the challenges.2:09 We'll start there. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Parenting is tough.2:13 You know, I I know that you brought us in to have a conversation with you, but we are not the experts. We are in the trenches and have been2:22 in the trenches with you guys saying, hey.2:24 Here are the struggles. Hey. To the mom that's crying, to the mom that's already feeling convicted, to the mom that already wants to throw in the towel. Yeah. We've been there. So what's the specific struggle? We're2:35 gonna sit with you, and we're just gonna we're gonna have a conversation with you about, well, what does God's word say? What could a better response be? What were the lousy responses like? It's good you feel convicted.2:46 Yeah.2:46 And that's really the heart of these parenting scripts is what were what have you been saying that's been ineffective? You feel bad about it. They feel bad about it. Maybe not just ineffective.2:58 They might actually be mean.3:00 Yeah.3:00 And so let's stop doing that, and then let's be thoughtful. And if you're gonna have a thoughtful response, it means you need to actually think.3:07 Right.3:08 And so that's really what this book is is an invitation to slow down, sit down, and write down a better response before you need it.3:14 You're raising the exact point of the parenting challenge because we don't think about it ahead of time, and we tend to do to our children what we live through as kids.3:24 Yes.3:24 So that's why we always say that, you know, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree because because we're parenting like we were parented. Right. And we haven't stopped to think through, okay, is this effective? I can't3:34 remember who said it. I mean, it's that great axiom that, you know, if you're repeating the same thing over and over trying to get a different result, it's crazy.3:43 Right. It's Einstein.3:44 Yeah.3:45 Yeah. It's Einstein. Well, I should remember it3:46 with Einstein.3:47 If you're doing that same thing over and over expecting a different result3:50 Right.3:50 You're going to feel crazy. And so we're saying, let's figure out where are we making that mistake over and over. Let's pinpoint that. Let's take it 1 at a time and say, what would a what would a kinder and more4:02 effective and more god honoring response be when my children dot dot dot.4:08 Yeah. Amber, let me have you on the parenting script, this idea. So role play something for us where the script is applied. You know? It could be misbehavior or something like4:20 that.4:20 Yeah.4:20 And I say, stop that. Stop that. You're gonna go to your room if you don't stop that.4:26 Right.4:27 Okay. Give it 3 seconds. You haven't stopped that. Yeah. Alright. Now you're going to your4:32 room. Right. And then you feel terrible as a parent4:35 because you're listening your tool. Same behavior comes out. So take that typical emotional response that we as parents get into. I can't believe we're the adults. I mean, I'm embarrassed to say so many times I got down4:46 there in the pigpen with the boys trying to convince them, and I'm sounding just like them.4:51 Yes. It's like we have resorted to their level instead of calling them to a more mature standard that we could model. Right? And I feel like we do that. We lower ourselves to this suddenly5:03 juvenile response just like we're mimicking them instead of, calling them to actually listen to us and to obey. And, you know, Jim, it's it's really important because when you get into the heat of the5:15 moment, that is the knee jerk response. Right? Just keep, you know, blubbering over your words, saying the same things that don't work. I told you to do this. Or asking really dumb questions. Let's5:27 be honest. Like, why do you keep doing that? Or why don't you listen to me? And there's no like, do we really expect that the child's gonna come up with a really intelligent response?5:36 In that part. My cortex5:38 is not responding5:39 exactly the way it should.5:40 But that's5:40 what we do.5:41 Like, we just, like, why are you doing this? And so we really wanted to help parents, 1st of all, you know, understand that you're not the only 1 that's struggling and doesn't always know what to say or says the wrong5:51 thing. Yes. So you're not alone. Don't let, you know, the enemy heap a ton of shame and guilt on you. But Wendy and I say, you've gotta figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean.6:02 Man, that's so right.6:03 Making the plan.6:04 Let me let me push you for the example, the disobedient child. What's a script here just to give the listeners and the viewers a chance to hear it?6:12 And I will also say that with this script, the things that we do encourage parents to say, they're really rooted in biblical principles and even in scripture because that's where true transformation happens. Right? Like,6:23 there's no better script than you know, I think it's Wendy that says choose the word when you choose your words. Right? So that's really, really important. And so, like, when when I have a child6:35 that's disobeying, I will say to them, okay. What happens when you disobey? So instead of immediately going in for a lesson or, you know, punishing them, I will just say, hey.6:47 What happens when you disobey Ali? And he'll say to me, he's learned to say, well, things don't go well. And I go, that's right. So I wonder what will happen if6:59 you proceed to, you know, hit your brother or jump off that high wall or take the car out without asking permission, you know, checking to make sure I need it 1st. Like, I wonder what7:11 will happen because Ephesians tells us, in chapter 6 verses 2 through 3, it says, children, you'll honor your mother and your father, dot dot dot, that it may go well with you, that you may live a long life. Like, both7:22 in the old and new testament, there's so many verses about children obeying their parents.7:26 So that it goes well with you.7:28 Often so that it will go well with them or so that they will have a long life. And so I've instilled in the boys, not perfectly. Okay? Yeah.7:35 Well, disclaimer.7:36 Remember when I ask you, you know, what happens when you disobey? I want them to reflect instead of just reject what I'm saying because I'm angry. You know? So, yeah, it7:48 just gives them that opportunity.7:50 We kinda even as little children, they they don't like being told things. You know? Right. It's right in our little human nature called sin.7:58 Yes.7:59 Right? It's so interesting.8:00 Wendy, let8:01 me ask you this, this natural consequences of our actions. Amber's alluding to it, but let me ask you more specifically. Can that actually be helpful? I think this is an area in my parenting8:12 Jean was better at than I was. Mhmm. I was more the saving parent. Mhmm.8:17 You know?8:17 Oh, let's not let them experience too much turmoil or pain. Yeah. You know, I never said it that way, but I certainly did it. Yes. Jean, you know, I'd get the look. Like,8:27 seriously Natural consequences are the most helpful because that's they're only with us in our home for x number of years. And so there there are just so many reasons why8:38 natural consequences, I think, are the best consequences. Now if your toddler's running into the street8:45 Yeah.8:45 That's not the time for it. Right? So as they get older, I think there's more and more and more room for natural consequences. What I love most as a parent, and I'm making this about me in my8:57 answer, is the hard parenting gets to be done by their consequences and not by my ineffective lectures. Right. They don't need to hear from me again why they shouldn't do that thingHandling Comparison, Motivation, and Sibling Fights 9:09 they always do. And I'm talking little kids getting out of bed time after time or big kids sneaking out9:15 of the house. Bedroom window.9:16 Like, whatever these things are. When when as they get older and natural consequences come in or they didn't do their studies, they didn't turn in their assignment. They didn't keep up on turning in the essay. And all of9:28 a sudden it's, mom, you need to pull me from this class. Oh, there are going to be some natural consequences. And 1 thing that Amber's really good is showing compassion and empathy. Oh,9:39 man. I am so sorry you're having to deal with this stress right now. How did you get to this point with not turning in this assignment? Can you walk me through that? Are there ways I can help you to get9:51 caught up? But, no, I'm not gonna come in for the rescue because you knew that it was due. So I'm not going to pull you last minute from a class and then go through the work of signing you up10:03 for a summer school class. And then for 6 weeks, you're gonna be upset at me that I signed you up. But, like, this is just this is wrestling the pig. Yeah. And you're gonna get dirty.10:12 Yeah.10:13 And so natural consequences gets to do the hard parenting,10:23 donut10:23 shop,10:23 I think, that relates to this.10:24 This is such a good 1 because it it what to your point, John, it it does cost us something. Like, it's it's not just hard for the kids to obey. It's hard for the parent to follow through consistently.10:34 Yes.10:35 I think a lot of us struggle with that. Like, how do I actually like, am I really gonna follow through on that consequence? Like, that hurts my heart as a mom to see your child suffer. There's that empathy piece. So 110:45 time, my son had a friend who needed to go to school with us. It was kind of a rare occasion. He was super excited that his buddy was gonna come along with us. And so I said, you know what? Let's leave a little bit10:55 early, and we'll go by the donut shop on the way. And so we get in the car, or we're getting the car ready. Everything's going smoothly for the morning, and then my son starts to just melt down. There's11:07 this very mouthy response from him that just floored me. It just kinda came out of nowhere. It was kinda unusual, but I was like, this is absolutely not okay the way this is happening. And so11:19 I let him know. I said, you know what, son? In our house, we use words to bless people. And the way that you're reacting to the situation right now, unfortunately,11:31 is unacceptable, and I cannot put you in the car with your friend and reward you and do something special right on the heels of this, you know, total eruption. And so I'm going to11:43 go ahead and take your friend and your brother, and we're gonna go to the donut shop. And I'm gonna, you know, go on to school, and then I will, have daddy, you know, take you or I'll come back and get you. You may not11:53 go with us. And he looked at me just, like, horrified that I was literally going to lay down the line, right, and not take him with me. But I did, and so we got our things together. I explained to12:05 the friend, you know, he'll be coming along later, and let's go get in the car and off we went. And as I'm turning around, I just say to my son, I love you. And that's sometimes the most important script to say Yes. In12:17 the heat of those moments. Because even when we are giving them that disruptive situation, very disobedient, and then12:28 immediately give you a reward. There will be a consequence for that. You will miss out on this opportunity. I love you too much to let you go down a wrong path.12:36 I would love to tell you that and say, this did not come out of Amber's mouth naturally.12:42 No. Nor nor did really did.12:45 I mean, I I would say supernaturally, yes, with the power of the holy spirit helping her. But what I mean by that is she prepared when my child does wrong. I'm not going to follow on the heels of it with an immediate12:56 blessing. When something like this you don't know the specifics, but you it happens enough to know that it happens. When it happens, I'm prepared now to say, hey. That blessing13:08 we're about to all do, we can't do that.13:11 And there's a time for grace, actually. There have been times when my child's disobeyed, and I actually do take them to get the doughnut. And I in that moment, I say to them, this is 1 of those occasions when I want you13:21 to know that this is unconditional love. Grace is something you don't deserve.13:25 You deserve this, but we're13:27 gonna do this. Yeah. But you get this. But it's always I love you. You.13:30 Let's look at the comparison culture that is created. Now social media, you know, that's a whole another discussion about what age do we give our kids their phone, and we're not here to talk about that. We've got many13:42 programs that you can look up. Get the app, and you can look those up. A whole program devoted just to that theme. But in that environment, our kids can really get into that comparison13:54 thing and then begin to want this or ask you about this, etcetera. How do you manage that and how can parents instill a heart of contentment? Yeah. I mean, think of us14:06 as Christian parents where Paul's saying be content in all ways.14:09 Mhmm.14:09 Try that with a 13, 14 year old and you're trying to give him that lesson. So how would you go about combating that comparison game, especially with social media today?14:20 My dad had a saying that I hated. But now that I've written a book with Amber called Parenting Scripts, what I realize is it was his shortest, pithiest script with me14:32 and it was tough beans.14:36 Tough beans.14:37 Yeah. But he would usually and we put in our book, here's a long script. Like, this is the this is pretty much the lecture version Yeah. That they're gonna Yeah. Zone out for. So at some point, you might wanna have this14:48 conversation14:48 Tough beans.14:49 With your kids. And then here's the shorter version. But when it comes to all my friends are on social media and I, you know, I I don't have it, or all my friends have Snapchat and you won't let me have it, andShow more In this video 0:00 Natural Consequences and Effective Scripts for Misbehavior9:00 Handling Comparison, Motivation, and Sibling Fights15:00 Gospel in Discipline, Apologies, and Parental Guilt22:00 Releasing Control and Loving Through Detours30:00 Releasing Control and Loving Through Detours
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