Skip to content Four Essential Questions for Being Wise with Your Words with Dr. Emerson Eggerichs Aug 18 · 23 min ...more
Four Essential Questions for Being Wise with Your Words with Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
August 18, 2026 · 23 min
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Introduction: Communication Challenges Today 0:04 Is it necessary for me to say this at all? Is it necessary for me to say it at this time? Should I wait 24 hours? Is this person exhausted and they're not in a in a mood to be able to receive this at this0:15 point? So, I mean, those are the kinds of questions that we should ask.0:25 Emerson, welcome back to Focus on the Family. Good to have you.0:28 Oh, it's great being with both of you again.0:30 Yeah. It's so much fun. I thought you might call this let me give you a piece of my mind. I mean, that's kinda where the culture's at today. Mhmm. We seem very divided. We seem like I think social0:42 media has probably fomented this a little bit. There's an anonymity to social media that we can speak our mind. We do need some filters, don't we?0:52 Yes. Yes. In fact, you've touched upon so many themes already that are so important. I mean, I think the 1 is that I think we all wanna be better communicators. In fact, it's been researched that1:03 people fear public speaking more than they do getting cancer. Wow. When you do the you don't ask that question that way, but when you do the social There's more fear1:13 in speaking than getting a diagnosis.1:15 And we've had those negative experiences in school where we've spoken up and we said the wrong thing or the teacher said we said the wrong thing, and so I think there's a feeling of inadequacy. I think many of us pull1:25 back from speaking our mind because we don't know if it's gonna be received well and we don't have the confidence in that and so I think many of us struggle on that level. But then you've got the other blunt people out1:36 there that are just without civility to your point that are just, you know, shooting out comments, and, they feel the total liberty to do that. And the question is, is that going to influence the hearts and minds of1:47 other people?1:48 Let me ask you, like, social media is a giant experiment in my head. The fact that people feel that anonymity to just say what they think and to be cutting and people's2:00 response that you get clicks more so, it seems, By doing that, people want controversy. They wanna see a kind of a spat in that space rather2:12 than a compliment because compliments are kinda boring. But you look at 2 people going at it or some, you know, other depiction of that, a video of2:23 some confrontation at a restaurant or something. Why is it that we lean into that as human beings that we don't have a higher sense of value or2:35 manners as Wilberforce would have said a couple hundred years ago.2:38 Mhmm. Well, I think we recognize that. People are drawn toward the negative. They're they're drawn toward the accident. They're they're drawn toward that kind of thing. What does2:46 that say about us?2:47 Well, it doesn't compliment us very significantly, I think. And that's the challenge, though, for those of us who are Christ followers. Jesus is very clear that we will give an account for every careless word. That's2:58 what he said. Careless word. So as a Christ follower, I have to come to a point where I say, you know, regardless of what the world does, the lord that I love and the lord that died for me, what is he calling me to to be3:10 as a communicator? And, I have been sobered by his word years ago when I read that. I said, lord, that's that's pretty heavy that I'm gonna give an account for every careless word at the judgment.3:21 Let me ask you. You you identify in the book Speak Your Mind 3 types of communicators. Right. What are they?3:27 Right. Well, it's that person who is really, fearful of speaking. You know, they're the ones sometimes that should be speaking up, but for whatever reason, they don't.3:39 They don't have the confidence to do that. So that person I'm helping, in fact, there are 4 concepts we're gonna talk about, but there are 20 sub points under each of those, and I've created this assessment tool. It's a3:49 strength finder. So there's an 80 question thing that you do to find out where you're strong. Now we're all inadequate. We feel badly about ourselves to begin with, so we don't wanna Especially4:00 the A students out there.4:01 Well, the A students are gonna love it, but I think most of us are gonna look at that and say, it's probably gonna point out what I'm doing poorly. But what I want us to look at, 1st of all, God's gifted us and many of4:10 us have great abilities and I'm gonna hopefully try to highlight that and that they can assess that. But then look at those areas that they might wanna shore up on. But that person out there who feels inadequate,4:21 hopefully this tool will help them kinda take an inch forward a little bit. Then there's the other person that just speaks their mind. You know, this woman said to me once, you know that little thing in the back of your4:32 brain that tells you not to say something before you say it? I said, yeah. She said, I don't have that little thing.4:39 You always like it when the conversation starts like that.4:43 Uh-oh. So that person who is just blunt and has that attitude, they just, they can't, they can't handle the truth. You know, that whole idea, you can't, you can't face it. And4:55 they put the onus on the person who is shutting down on them as though they're not teachable when it's really my delivery that's the problem. You know, we talk about in marriage, I can be right but wrong at the top of my5:05 voice.5:06 Yeah. You know, in that category, I remember a good friend of mine once said to me, none of us as Christians should go out of our way to be hated. Let the gospel be the offense, not our personality.5:16 It's a great statement.5:17 Isn't that a great statement?5:18 It really is.5:19 It really jarred me a bit, and what a great thing to make yourself small and the gospel big.5:24 Yes.5:24 So when people that oppose the gospel, they're opposing the gospel, not your personality. Yes. Yes. I think there's scriptural support for that, actually. Right? Hugely so. Yeah. So okay. So that's the blunt person.5:36 Correct. Everybody think of that? Okay, you got it. Okay. You know that person.5:38 The fearful person, the blunt person, and then you've got people that I think are aspiring to be like Jim and John, that they they want to be communicators. And I think 1 of the points that I'm making is it takes5:50 preparation. There takes a little work. And if you're going to be this average communicator that wants to go the next step, then it's gonna require some thought. And I think both of you would be experts. It'd be fun to6:01 interview you today to say, what have you what would be the number 1 thing you learned as a communicator over the years? And you had to learn it. It wasn't something that necessarily came natural to you. And I think6:12 people out there need to be encouraged that it doesn't just always come natural. There's some people, they're sanguine, they're talkers, and so and so, but they have their own set of issues Mhmm. Right? They're on the6:20 other side of that because they talk too much.6:23 You mentioned the 4 questions. Let's get into those. Just list them,6:26 and then6:26 we'll Yes. Talk about6:27 them. The 4 questions are, is that which I'm about to say true, kind, necessary, and clear? Okay. So when it6:38 comes to true, like, back to your point, hey. We could speak truth all day long.6:44 If it's not loving, as we say, speak the truth in love, and there you see the 1st 2 points, I use kindness, which is the idea of communicating lovingly and respectfully, truth will carry its own weight. It doesn't need6:54 my hostility.6:56 Right, back to the point.6:57 Yeah, and so there is this commitment, and the courts will say, Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God. And I remember thinking that wasn't a redundancy until I began to really think7:09 about what they were saying, because you can say what's true, but it's not the whole truth.7:13 Yeah. That's called prevarication. Yeah. You spin the truth.7:17 Yes, yes. But what you're saying is true, it's just not the whole picture, you know what I mean? So the point is that we've gotta come to a point where, and it's really the foundational issue, is that which I'm about to7:26 say true? Is it true? Yeah. And then the question is, okay, now that it's true, am I gonna be this blunt person that just dumps on that individual or am I gonna say, is7:38 that gonna come across to them in a kind way? Are they going I mean, people hear kindness sometimes more than they hear our words.7:47 Yeah. You know, I think the perverication aspect is really important for the church, and I think for the Christian community, we lean into the rules. We kinda wanna know what's the scoreboard, how do we know7:58 if we're improving as believers and doing the right thing. So some people might call that legalism. We don't want to be there, but I think we lean that direction because we're trying to live our lives in8:10 such a way.8:11 And you gotta score that somehow, right? Am I doing a good job today? Lord, help me where I'm not doing a good job.8:17 With self examination.8:18 Right, which is really important. But that prevarication thing, that gets down to it where, you know, even with scandals and other things like that that you hear about, they're saying part of the truth. And you8:30 wonder, Jesus is talking about the heart of that truth.8:34 Mhmm.8:34 And He wants that whole truth to be known in those circumstances. And then you start spinning it, and that's as good as a lie.8:43 Right, wordsmithing, I call it. That's 1 of those 20 categories.8:47 Let's move to kindness. That's a great communication tool. How do you define kindness and give us an example of how to use it in communication?8:55 Right. Well, I think we've kind of referenced a little bit of that, but I define that as, there's a larger question I sometimes ask, is that which I'm about to say gonna build trust or undermine trust? And, is this gonna9:07 come across in a loving way to this person, a respectful way? They may be unlovable. They may not be, you know, respectable, but am I going to have a demeanor that when I communicate something, you know, I'm not coming9:19 across in a way that they feel is hostile and contemptuous? And that's just a discipline, and I think both of you have learned that. There are situations where you're confronted and things are said, but you've gotta9:30 maintain that demeanor, right? Because you understand if you lose it, what happens?9:34 Right. Emerson, in Colossians, Paul writes, Let your speech always be gracious. This is 1 of those moments that you can see it in scripture. What did you take from that in terms of that kind communication?9:46 I mean, that's a direction that Paul is giving all of us.9:49 Oh, it's huge. In fact, you know, that was 1 of those verses early on, let your speech be, you know, with salt, there needs to be a flavor, there needs to be an inviting, and it's winsome. You're10:01 gonna win people through your demeanor. And some people have not stopped long enough to think about how important that is. And it takes self control, because they're people who provoke us, they annoy us, they irritate10:12 us, they step on our arrows, as I say, and we deflate in response. But this is the challenge. These situations don't cause me to be the way I am. They reveal the way I am. And when I come to a point where I10:24 realize my response is my responsibility, and other people are not causing me to be the way I am, but they're revealing who I am, then I begin to own up to that. But that's also very liberating because then I know that10:34 people aren't controlling me. Ultimately, I can't control the outcomes in other people, but I can control my actions and reactions to other people. And that is freeing. At 1st, it feels very,Question 1 & 2: True and Kind Words 10:47 well, legalistic refining, unfair, you know. But at the end of the day, that's the kind of attitude that I need to have, and it is tremendously freeing. You can't get me to hate you.10:58 Yeah. No. That's really good. You know, when I I think of relationships somewhat in concentric circles. You know, you got your spouse11:05 Right.11:06 Your kids, and then you have your friends, and then you have acquaintances Yes. And work associates, that kind of thing. I obviously, the spousal11:18 relationship is the closest, and I've just heard from so many people when there's flare up, oftentimes there's something else under the hood. So do you do you think of it in that way as well when you're11:29 having communication, even with a friend or family member. If you've touched a button with them, sometimes there's something deeper that ignites that.11:39 Oh, absolutely.11:39 They feel disrespected. Yes. Yes. And you didn't intend that at all, but Right. You know, because you said the chicken might be a little chilly. I might need to warm that up. Oh my gosh. Okay. Now you're telling me I'm a11:50 terrible cook. Yeah. And that's right. I'm just saying, hey. It'd be I I need to warm this up.11:55 I call it decoding. How do we decode on both sides? How do we let them know our intent that we have goodwill? But how do we decode them? You said earlier about the person says, you always, you never, and we see that in12:05 marriage, particularly wives toward their husbands. And we have to realize that it, you know, now we're off and running on the fact that I don't always. And now the issue, whatever it is, is secondary to the fact that12:16 now we're debating with her the fact that I don't always do that. But if we, as a husband, step back and say, okay, there's something that she's feeling, and she's trying to get a message through to me, how she feels in12:25 this moment, and there's something that she wants me to understand and she's using words to get my attention, and if I don't read correctly underneath, if I don't decode correctly, now we're off on another issue and12:36 we're gonna soon now have to solve 2 problems. Mhmm.12:39 Emerson, you talk about thinking through, is it necessary to say this? Okay. This is probably the most important, because so much you could filter out there and say, yeah. It's not worth it. It's not12:51 necessary. Correcting that person isn't what I need to do right now. Or it's the opposite of that. This is something I should do. I guess that's rooted in wisdom and13:02 discernment. Right?13:04 Very much so. And, in fact, you some of these verses that we all kinda know, speak the truth and love, that's the 1st 2 points that I referenced earlier, but we know from Ecclesiastes there's a time to speak and a time13:16 To remain silent. That's right. And so there's a call in scripture for us to use that kind of discernment and wisdom that you're talking about. And is it necessary for me to say this at all? Is it necessary13:27 for me to say it at this time? Should I wait 24 hours? Is this person exhausted and they're not in a mood to be able to receive this at this point? So, I mean, those are the kinds of questions that we should ask, but I13:39 sometimes think, again, if we're in a heated, angry state, we're probably gonna say things that are unnecessary. You know, it's kinda like, and 1 more thing, you know, that kind of attitude in marriage. So, the13:50 challenge, again, is for us to ask ourselves, is it true? Is it kind? Now, is it necessary? And this is where we can have the confidence that the Lord's gonna guide us in this, and we're never gonna get it right14:01 perfectly. And we could think that we got it wrong because it was a necessary moment, but that person's not teachable. You know, so we speak the truth in love because we deeply care about them. It was a timely moment,14:11 and they just shut down on us. And then we think, I must have done it wrong. Not necessarily.14:17 How did your mom demonstrate this to you in communication? I mean, you put the story in the book.14:23 Right, right. No, huge. I mean, mom, I mean, I came out of a non Christian family. My dad attempted to strangle my mother when I was 2.5. I witnessed that. They divorced before that when I was 1, but14:34 then they remarried each other and then they separated right after that episode for 5 years. And then, we moved back in the home, but my dad had rage issues. Then my mom was burdened for me, so she sent me14:46 to a military school from age 13 to 18. So I left the home because she knew a collision with my dad was probably inevitable. But then my freshman, I came to Christ at age 16 at a Billy Graham film called For Pete's14:58 Sake, and and I didn't know anything about the things of Christ. I knew that Billy went to Wheaton. I was on my way to West Point. That was my goal, and I found out that he went to Wheaton, so I applied and I was15:08 accepted. But my freshman year, my mom comes to Christ, my sister, who's older than me, comes to Christ, my brother-in-law, who's a professor, comes to Christ, and my dad came to Christ. But I talk about that. I spoke at15:20 Liberty University to the student body there about being the wounded healer, and so those wounds are in me. But I reflect on my mom to your question. You know, she never threw my dad under the bus. That's amazing. It15:32 really was amazing. I mean, she wasn't, stupid. Mom had 3 businesses, that's why she sent me military school. Extremely capable woman. But, she would say your dad didn't have a daddy. His dad died when he was 3 months15:43 old during the flu epidemic in 19 18 and he doesn't know how to be a daddy. She would, she wouldn't justify his behavior but she didn't pounce on him. And I saw in her a demeanor, she lived15:55 above that, but she navigated that wisely. She didn't stay in harm's way. That was never the issue. But that her words and her demeanor were an example of me. And I16:07 wasn't aware of the impact of that, but you look back as an adult and you see, wow, that's an incredible thing. So many spouses are so negative toward their spouse in front of the16:19 children, and that would be an imprudent thing to do.16:21 You know, Emerson, you're raising something that I think would be good to address, and that is people that come from a really broken background. You can use that as an excuse to stay there, you know, and be bitter.16:32 That's right. Well, you don't know what happened to me. That's not what Christ calls us to.16:36 Well, in academic literature, it's called the social learning theory versus the compensatory theory. Social learning theory says you'll imitate your parents, and you'll be like them. The compensatory theory says you can16:48 compensate. You can do it differently. And all of us come to that crossroads where we either excuse our own behavior, which is kind of hypocritical because I end up saying I'm wounded because of my parents, and then I16:58 end up treating my children in the same way.17:00 Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm.17:01 Turning toward clarity, what are some general guidelines as we go through daily life? Because that's where Yes. For me a lot of the grind happens. Yes. Oh, there's an opportunity.17:11 Well, and I think that 4th 1 is the 1 that I added because I realized, you know, I remember saying a professor said, you know, I said, years ago, I used to say, I know what I mean. I just I just can't say it. And this17:20 professor said, if you can't say it, you don't know what you mean.17:23 Wow. Mhmm.17:24 As pure as that. And then I as I meditated on scripture, I thought, where did Paul ask for prayer for himself? Very limited times, but he he definitely asked, pray that I could make it as clear17:36 as I ought. Mhmm. Even the great apostle Paul was very desirous of speaking in a way that was clear and speaking in a way that people could understand. And so, to me, this was 117:48 of the the biggies. And that's why writing down my thoughts. What am I feeling right now? Why am I feeling this? You know, what am I feeling? Why am I feeling this? And how am I gonna deal with this? And that's been an17:59 exercise, because I don't wanna put my, you know, I don't wanna put, you know, my foot in my mouth and end up discrediting myself. And we all, you know, have a proclivity to make those mistakes anyway. So clarity was a18:11 huge issue to me. What do I mean this is the truth? What how do I do this that's kind? What what does it mean to say this at a moment where it's necessary and not say more than I need to? And this is where it is a18:22 discipline. And if a person says, well, I just don't wanna go through that, then you're gonna make a mess of things verbally.Question 3: Necessary at the Right Time 18:29 Let me ask you a story that was really funny in the book about your dog, chasing your dogs to the neighborhood, and you fill in the blanks. Yeah.18:36 Well, it was a great illustration of the importance of clarity and making sure your audience understands I had a Dalmatian. And as a young kid, if you got a Dalmatian, wouldn't you logically name your dog Fire?18:48 Okay. I mean, it's a Dalmatian. They're a staple Fire. That's fire houses. That's exactly right. So I named the dog Fire, and he got out 1 day in the neighborhood, And I'm going up and down the street yelling,19:01 fire. Fire. And I remember missus Lintz coming out in the front door, and she said, where? And I said, I don't know. And she's, where's the fire? I don't know where. Oh. There's this19:13 exchange going on, and I'm just as innocent as can be, and she is totally perplexed and so upset that she calls my parents later and said, he's going through the neighborhood calling fire, and we think some19:25 home's on fire. So she said, you gotta and then I eventually said to her, my dog's name is Fire. So then she had that information. So she told my parents, you gotta rename the dog. So I I renamed it Flyer.19:37 Flyer?19:37 Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, that was good.19:39 Because the dog didn't understand. Yeah. Yeah. But you you had to be close enough.19:42 That's pretty funny. I could see you running down the street flying.19:44 But it's a great but it's a great illustration, isn't it?19:46 Yes.19:47 That we say things that other people don't know the meaning of, and it's it's really an unusual story, but is that which I'm about to say going to be understood? That's why oftentimes I'll speak for a little bit and then19:56 I'll say to the person, does that make sense? Yeah. And what what makes sense, what might not make sense? Because I wanna say this better. And I don't And if they don't get it, I don't say, well, you weren't list I don't20:07 I don't come back at them. I say, well, let me run at that again. And some of us have this tendency, if we do even ask that question and they don't get it right, then we accuse them of not listening well. And I just say,20:17 back to your point that you were saying earlier, we've got to that point just listen. Mhmm. Just keep listening, and if they're not getting it, keep running at it. And it's been said that the great geniuses who are great20:28 in their expertise, they know how to explain in such a way that their grandmother understands.20:34 What should we do when we realize our communication has fallen short, especially as Christians? 1, you have to be aware. So that's gotta be the 1st step, that you're thinking about what you're saying.20:45 Yes. Yes.20:45 Even if it's getting out of the gate and you're going, uh-oh. Why did I say that?20:49 That's right.20:50 But speak through that process of what we should do if we're20:54 Well, it can really be powerfully redemptive, even though we've misspoken, you know. And, you know, Peter, not knowing what to say, said. I love that verse. Peter, not knowing what to say, said. And so, you know, he21:05 was, we all misspeak. And so, really, the recovery can even be more redemptive in that, you know what? I overstated that. You know, please forgive me of that. Can I run at this21:17 again? I need to say this more kindly. You know, I talk with Sarah and me. Sometimes we'll get in the heated fellowship, and I'll say, We're in a time out. Let me go out of the room and come in again, and let's come at21:28 this again. That's helpful. And so I think That's helpful. The beautiful thing, we mustn't beat up on ourselves to such an extent. We just need to go and seek forgiveness. And and if they come at us, just own up to your21:37 part. You know, 1 of the things that convicts me was Sarah. If we get an exchange, I know that I'm more guilty than her, but she only confesses her part of it. I hate that.21:46 It's a wise woman. Exactly. Listen. This has been so good, Emerson. And once again, you've you've hit it out of the park. Speak your mind. Great guidelines for us, and especially in this digital age, to be smart,21:58 not just with our tongue, but with our fingertips. Right? As we're hacking away on the phone and doing things that maybe we shouldn't be doing, saying things we shouldn't say. So thank you for this,22:10 and it's great to have you back here.22:12 Oh, thank you. And our prayer is that every high school student and college student gets this.22:16 Yeah. There's a good starting point. Maybe every teenager. Yeah.22:19 High school.22:19 Because the point you're making, they're social.22:21 But this is 1 of those great coaching things. I think a lot of adults might need it too, actually. So get a copy of Speak Your Mind. You can do that and participate in doing ministry with us here. Make a gift of any22:33 amount. Do it monthly. Do it as a 1 time gift, and we'll send you a copy of the book as our way of saying thank you for helping other families.22:40 Mhmm.22:41 Yeah. Join the support team and make a donation as you can. Request this book, Speak Your Mind, Evaluating and Unleashing Your Communication Strengths. You can call us 800, the letter a in the word family,22:53 or click the link in the description below. And thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daley. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive23:04 in23:07 Christ.In this video 0:00 Introduction: Communication Challenges Today10:37 Question 1 & 2: True and Kind Words18:27 Question 3: Necessary at the Right Time23:27 Conclusion and Call to Action
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