Skip to content The Best of UNA: Healthy Female Friendships, with Andi Andrew Jun 28 · 33 min ...more
The Best of UNA: Healthy Female Friendships, with Andi Andrew
June 28, 2023 · 33 min
**Over the next few weeks, we’re re-releasing some of our favorite Unapologetic episodes as a way to celebrate the first year of UNA! This conversation with Andi Andrew, all about how to have healthy female friendships, originally aired on July 27th, 2022.
We’ve all walked through brokenness in our lives, whether those wounds occurred last week or as far back as childhood. Author and speaker Andi Andrew knows what it means to be wounded. But more than that, she knows how to get healthy, and she wants to share the healing she’s found through Jesus with each of us.
On this brand new episode of Unapologetic, Julia sits down with Andi to talk through the concrete steps we can all take to find healing—from having hard conversations to talking with a therapist. The two also hit on female friendships and how, as women, we can foster friendships—no matter our age—that are based on encouragement, not competition.
You can connect with Andi through her website or on Instagram. Her newest book, Friendship—It’s Complicated, is available now!
Series Unapologetic with Julia Jeffress Sadler June 28, 2023 · 33 min · Unapologetic with Julia Jeffress Sadler
**Over the next few weeks, we’re re-releasing some of our favorite Unapologetic episodes as a way to celebrate the first year of UNA! This conversation with Andi Andrew, all about how to have healthy female friendships, originally aired on July 27th, 2022. We’ve all walked through brokenness in our lives, whether those wounds occurred last week or as far back as childhood. Author and speaker Andi Andrew knows what it means to be wounded. But more than that, she knows how to get healthy, and she wants to share the healing she’s found through Jesus with each of us. On this brand new episode of Unapologetic, Julia sits down with Andi to talk through the concrete steps we can all take to find healing—from having hard conversations to talking with a therapist. The two also hit on female friendships and how, as women, we can foster friendships—no matter our age—that are based on encouragement, not competition. You can connect with Andi through her website or on Instagram. Her newest book, Friendship—It’s Complicated, is available now! ...more Show the full description Show less **Over the next few weeks, we’re re-releasing some of our favorite Unapologetic episodes as a way to celebrate the first year of UNA! This conversation with Andi Andrew, all about how to have healthy female friendships, originally aired on July 27th, 2022.
We’ve all walked through brokenness in our lives, whether those wounds occurred last week or as far back as childhood. Author and speaker Andi Andrew knows what it means to be wounded. But more than that, she knows how to get healthy, and she wants to share the healing she’s found through Jesus with each of us.
On this brand new episode of Unapologetic, Julia sits down with Andi to talk through the concrete steps we can all take to find healing—from having hard conversations to talking with a therapist. The two also hit on female friendships and how, as women, we can foster friendships—no matter our age—that are based on encouragement, not competition.
You can connect with Andi through her website or on Instagram. Her newest book, Friendship—It’s Complicated, is available now!
Series Unapologetic with Julia Jeffress Sadler
270K followers
Julia Jeffress Sadler is bestselling author, licensed counselor, and the Next Gen Minister at First Baptist Dallas. She's passionate about discussing God’s Word on today’s topics.
270K followers
0:00 God has specifically chosen you to be here at this time and in this place. You have incredible potential, purpose, and calling to push back the darkness and be a light for Christ.0:12 Stand for nothing and you'll fall for anything. It's time to stand your ground. This is Unapologetic. Hi everyone, welcome to Unapologetic. I'm so excited to have Andi Andrews with us0:24 today. She is a fantastic speaker, author, minister, and she is gonna talk to us about how to have, wait for it, healthy female friendships. No 1 turned this off, we0:36 all need to hear it, and I'm so excited about all the truth and the encouragement from our conversation today. Hi, Andy.0:44 Hey. It's so good to be with you.0:46 I am so glad you're here. So where are you joining us from?0:50 So we have just recently moved to Charleston, South Carolina. So I can't believe that I'm a southern girl. I grew up in the Pacific Northwest, and then I lived in Sydney, Australia with my husband for almost 10 years,1:01 then New York City for 12, and now we're down south. So I just you know, I guess I'm just trying everything out.1:07 Is wait. Is the south different from the Pacific Northwest? Just a1:11 little bit. You know? It's wild. I can't believe I still keep waiting around every corner. I'm like, people actually are super kind, and the pace is so much slower. I don't even know what to do with myself. So, anyway,1:23 it's been beautiful.1:24
1:32 I'm sure they hold their stuff, know.
1:35 At the beginning, they appear nicer.
1:37 Yes, that's definitely true. Oh, man,
1:40 I love Charleston. That's awesome. Okay. Well, we're gonna kick off asking what we ask everyone. What do you wish Christians would stop apologizing for?
1:49 I love this question. I feel like I should have, like, studied or said, god, what do you wanna say? You know? But the 1 thing that came to mind for me was, like, I have realized even in my own
2:00 Christianity that I have tried to be like Jesus PR person. And I was like, I just think, you know, when we meet Jesus, when you radically and truly meet Jesus, he doesn't need any PR. He is
2:12 like wild and crazy. And yes, Christians need to be we need to follow Jesus and not in our own way truth in life. So I know I'm kind of giving 2 answers in a way. I'm like, stop trying to be Jesus' PR person and
2:24 fix everything for Jesus. Jesus is like not concerned. He's like, hello, son of God. But then the other side of that is also stop following in your own way, truth, and life and calling it Jesus. Follow in His way, truth,
2:35 and life. So that's what I feel like. Now I'm gonna sit on this forever. I wanna ask you though, like what this is it's such a good question. So how would you answer that? What's like your 1 thing?
2:47 Okay, no 1 has literally ever asked me that before,
2:49 and we've been doing this for
2:50 a little bit. What is the 1 thing? There are a lot of things, which is why this show is called Unapologetic. But I think the 1 thing that I most see that
3:02 most convicts me or I would like to see changed, I think is Christians apologizing for what's clearly in scripture. There's so many, I just wish Christians would stop
3:14 apologizing for what's clearly in scripture because a lot of times it kinda goes along with what you said, like the PR agent thing, like we didn't write the Bible. Like, it wasn't my idea. And I think
3:26 that we kinda try to excuse it, or there are certain topics that we think are unloving, and we just really apologize for what's clearly in That's so
3:39 But I think it comes more from like the therapy side for me, like as a therapist, trying to help people heal and trying to help them understand maybe the root of their issues, which we're gonna talk a lot about
3:51 today. But you really can't live a satisfying whole life and not understand sin or not understand what the Bible says about relationships, about sex,
4:02 about these things. And so to me, I know it's hard for people sometimes to share truth that's convicting, But in the end, realizing like it brings freedom. Like, is It brings
4:14 so much freedom. Oh my gosh.
4:16 I forget, honestly, because I've just grown up in church. I mean, there are people really actually confused, like why are we not satisfied whenever they're dating everyone on
4:27 Tinder or they aren't, you know, they're not following God's plan for sexuality or relationships. And so I think just if Christians would stop apologizing for scripture, it really would bring a lot of clarity and
4:39 freedom for other people. Of course, we have to be careful how we say things and saying them in a loving way, but not apologizing for what's clearly there.
4:50 That's so good. That like and that's the 1 thing too I realized is like radical obedience and surrender to God and to scripture is actually the most freeing thing.
4:59 Yes.
5:00 Thanks for sharing that. That's so good.
5:02 Yeah. Well, and I you know, that's just kind of what's going on right now, just labeling things as hateful or unloving, and I mean, that's just not true because the most loving thing we can do is share the truth with
5:13 other people. Yeah. Okay, so we're gonna talk about friendships because that's your newest book and that is something we really
5:22 haven't talked about a lot
5:23 on here. We talk a lot about dating and marriage and infertility and that kind of stuff, but friendships for whatever reason doesn't seem to get the same
5:33 time for as other things. And so I'm gonna start out asking you about what you call the mother wound, because we
5:45 talk a lot about the fatherhood wound. Anybody who's a therapist or been in therapy is always like, well, let's go back to the dad, let's go back to the father, and there's a lot written on that, but there's not a
5:57 lot about the mother, I don't know, do you say mother or motherhood wound?
6:01 Yeah, I think I, I mean, the woman wound, the mother wound, okay, yeah, both and, but you're right, there's not a ton written on it. Do you want me to just dive
6:09 Yeah, so why don't you, I mean, some people listening don't have any idea what we're talking about. So can you just kinda sum up Yeah. The fatherhood wound and then go ahead and get into the mother woman
6:19 Totally. Okay. And then you jump on too because you're the
6:22 licensed therapist I
6:23 hear what you've learned about it. Well, yeah. So for me, I think, yes, there was a lot of obvious father wounds for me. And the father wound, in essence, are needs that weren't met by the father that I'm trying to
6:35 fill with other men, different things in my life that I realized, oh my gosh. There are just certain needs that we as children, when we're born, there's a reason why we have a mother and father, to meet our needs. And
6:46 yes, they're imperfect. We're imperfect parents. Hello. I've got 4 of them. I'm like, I'm so sorry, guys. But realizing, you know, there are ways that we aren't nurtured or aren't seen or aren't loved
6:58 because we have imperfect parents. We become imperfect parents. That's why we need God because he fills all of those voids as well. But I digress. And oftentimes, it's very obvious that we focus on the father
7:10 wound and how we relate to other people or men in our lives or even how we relate to God. But then I just realized, but we have a mom too. And so 1 of the biggest things I realized is there were just unmet
7:22 needs that I had from my mother that affected the way I had friendships with women. And that was the revelation for me. So it was probably about 5 or 6 years ago when I just I'm leading, I'm
7:33 pastoring a church in New York City, and all of my relationships with women are like burning to the ground. And I'm like, I am an adult, like what is the deal here? I thought this was like a middle school thing, let
7:44 alone I feel like I'm in middle school, but I'm in my, you know, mid thirties. This is weird. Mhmm. So I just really started to dig deep. And as I did, there was a couple of things that I felt. It was almost like this
7:56 nudge from God that was like, hey, Andy, you're the common denominator in every relationship that you're in. And I was like, dang. That's like so harsh, but so true. Because what that did is give me this moment of
8:07 radical ownership where, hey, you can change your life. You cannot change the decisions that other women around you make even though you wanna blame so and so for the way they treated you in this way or that woman for
8:17 what they did. What are some of the issues that you are having, Andy, that you can walk in healing for? And so that was when I dove down and realized it. It was codependency issues that I had from childhood
8:28 with my mother.
8:30 Okay. Let's pause real quick there because a lot of people don't know what codependency is, and I didn't really realize that till I was talking about it a lot. I'm like, yeah, can you just explain what codependency is?
8:42 Yeah. Okay. So codependency, gosh, I was like, I should have pulled up my notes, so I could have just read them, and I would love for you to jump in my notes.
8:49 I can talk about it too. So I didn't wanna interrupt, but I was like, wait, wait, explain what codependency I would
8:55 love to hear from your point of view what it is, and I can tell people how it kind of manifested in my life, but yeah, can you share as of, I love this.
9:03 Yes, codependency. This was definitely not what we're talking about today. So codependency was first recognized really in alcoholic families.
9:12 Yes.
9:12 Where, and it's what you're talking about, where the parents weren't meeting the need of the child, and so the children have to make up for what they don't get, and they develop kind of an unhealthy
9:24 relationship with their parents. The basic way to think about it is that you're responsible for someone else. The child is responsible the parent being happy. The
9:36 child's responsible for not making the parent upset. Like you don't wanna make the drunk parent upset. And so it's inappropriate responsibility, and then that Gosh, this
9:48 good. Sorry. No,
9:50 that's just so Sorry, keep going.
9:52 I haven't talked about it in forever, that's so funny, I should have brushed up. Maybe we'll do something on codependency another time, but it's basically like inappropriate responsibility. And then that gets carried
10:02 over into your adult relationship, so that's why children where their parents, somebody was an addict, a lot of times end up, even though they've set out to never marry someone that's an addict,
10:14 they never wanna recreate that, they do it because they end up in that relationship again, just because it's familiar, and that's the role they grew up with. So a lot of what we know about psychology
10:26 came from when psychologists started studying families of alcoholics. But what they started realizing was that that did not end, that wasn't just an alcoholic
10:38 issue. It's parents, it's families where there are any pervasive problems. And a lot of times, honestly, it's harder for people to pinpoint if they
10:50 don't have something like hardcore addiction abuse. And so a lot of Christians or a lot of people, not even just Christians, like people that just really had kind of not
11:02 those huge quote unquote issues, they don't recognize codependency because they didn't have really those big core issues in their family, but there's still other things. Like you have a husband and
11:14 wife that they didn't leave and cleave to 1 another, you have the mom that is sitting there telling like secrets to her daughter and like the mom and daughter gang up against the husband. And I mean, they're all
11:26 kind of different dynamics, but basically you have an inappropriate responsibility towards someone else. You're responsible for meeting the other person's needs.
11:34 See, that's super helpful. You're right. Because I did drop that word, and I was like, man, we do use that word codependency, but it's such a weird word without understanding the term. So I didn't have alcoholics in my
11:44 house. So what it was was I had and my mom let me write about us, which is so great Yeah. Because, you know, we've got this beautiful restored relationship now, but we didn't. It was very unhealthy and very
11:55 inappropriate. And so what I would say is because of the abuse that my mom suffered and the things that she was even walking through at present when I was a child as well as my father. So my father was very absent. My
12:06 mother was, like, almost too present because I had a high EQ from a time I'm a feeler, an absorber, a discerner. Like, I you know what I mean? Like, I'm there for people. I can sit in things with people.
12:18 I would say that from a young age, I was really my mom's mom. Like, I became we switched roles. And so that's talking about the inappropriate relationship. So she would share things
12:30 with me that I was like, I am too young to be able to fix, carry, do anything, and some of it was about my dad. Some of it was a whole bunch of other stuff where I was like, I'm literally too young for this. So then you
12:42 fast forward, and I do I want her to be okay. I want the atmosphere in the household to be okay. So you end up meeting the needs of others in inappropriate ways. I ended up wanting you wanna control the
12:54 behaviors of others. You it's like this weird cycle, and you're like, why do I have all these tendencies? Well, fast forward to being an adult, pastoring and leading with my husband, and I have women that come into my
13:05 world that want me to fix and carry things for them. So I just go right back into that role.
13:09 Right.
13:09 And then I just realized this doesn't work. And the relationships are just breaking down, falling to the ground. And that was when I went, wow, the mother wound is something that I need to deal with, this
13:21 codependency that came out of this so that I can heal and restore. I needed to go back to move forward to be able to walk in healing with my mom, understanding that there's a lot of people listening. You're not gonna be
13:32 able to have a conversation with your mom, whether she's gone or it's unsafe or not appropriate. There's not good boundaries there. But you can still reconcile things with God and walk in healing. But we can get more
13:43 into that later. That is really where when I recognize that I went, woah, I'm trying to get needs met by other women, but I need to walk in healing first to show up at the table, the healthiest version of me to have
13:55 better relationships.
13:56 That is so interesting. So we just need to like go ahead and get into all of this. How do you get healthy? How do you get healthy? How do you heal from the mother wound or the father wound or whatever it
14:08 is? Because really that is the first step I think is realizing, like my relationships are not wonderful or my friendships are not great. I'm the common denominator. What is
14:20 the next step?
14:22 Yeah. I think that's gonna look different for every person. So you're gonna need, like, that discernment and understanding for your own life and what you have access to to walk in healing. Because for some person
14:32 listening I mean, we are body, soul, and spirit. Right? So when we understand that we need healing, like sometimes it's a spiritual issue. Sometimes it's like I need to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. I need
14:43 some help in a therapy setting. And sometimes it's a physical issue. But when we're talking about this stuff, oftentimes it's either a spiritual and, you know, soul issue, a mind issue that we need to walk in healing
14:55 with. And so for me, that looks like a few different things. I use that term, we need to go back to move forward. I think what's so amazing is a lot of times we go back, and even in therapeutic settings, if
15:07 we're not careful, we circle the same mountain and look at it without scaling it, walking it, getting the tools, or understanding how to heal from it, right? And so that must be hard for you as a therapist sometimes
15:17 where you're giving the tools to people and they're like, I might climb it, I might not, but they just keep staring at it. You're like, stop circling the mountain.
15:24 No. They're like, is I mean, same for all this. Is there anything else that's wrong? Is there, like, a different
15:30 issue that we can
15:31 try to conquer?
15:32 No. This is the problem. I remember that. I remember when I sat in I sat in a session, it was years ago, and they're like, let's go back. And I was like, oh my gosh. I've already talked about this. Like, you know what I
15:44 mean? But how much you realize a lot of stuff still goes back to origin issues that just became a pattern of thinking and a way of living. So for me, I'm gonna give some simple things that you can do on your own. If you
15:55 can't go and see a therapist, if you don't have, like, a prayer counselor, if you don't you know what I mean? So I think these are the things that we have to understand is that there are some things that we can do.
16:06 Number 1 is I think it's really important that for me with my mom, I was able to go back to move forward. I was able to have some hard conversations with her to go, hey, mom, I I know we've been working on a
16:18 relationship. That's because first and foremost, I chose to forgive her and forgive her 70 times 7 if I needed to. Right. And that's what we have to remember as well. That sometimes you will not be able to reconcile with
16:28 a person, but you can forgive them. And so I knew that I needed to do that. I knew that I could forgive her. But then we got to a point where I was like, I think it's safe for me to have this conversation with her. And
16:39 in that season, I said, hey, mom. I'm noticing this pattern in my life that is unhealthy, and it has to do with my female relationships. And I think some of that had to do with the ways that you laid burdens on me that
16:50 were too heavy for me to fix or carry. I was a child or a tween or a teen or a young adult, and I was like, why are you even telling me this? This is inappropriate. So there was this moment where she said, you know what?
17:01 Andy, you're right. I was boundaryless. Will you forgive me? And I was like, oh my gosh. Like, there was this wild moment of reconciliation. So you may be able to have that. And that just brought so much healing and
17:13 caused me to be able to begin a pattern of healing in my life to go, I'm recognizing this. I'm also unapologetically in a Celebrate Recovery group with other pastors. That's something I
17:25 do online. And I do that on a weekly basis so that I can be in recovery because the thief comes to steal, kill, destroy, but Christ has come to give us life and life abundantly. So there is this partnership that I need
17:36 to go. On a weekly basis, I am going to allow the Lord to recover the losses in my life. To what the enemy has tried to wreak havoc on and steal from me, I'm gonna allow God to give me life and life
17:48 abundantly and walk in recovery and recover those losses. And then there's just I mean, I'm gonna really quickly give this 1 to you. But when I was in this is something I would say, write it down if you can. But there's
18:00 this progression that you've probably heard of, Julia, but it goes like this. Wounds, lies, false beliefs, strongholds, vows, and then false self. And so when we're
18:12 wounded, often we believe a lie that the enemy tells us. And then we have a false belief system that grows out of that that we begin to live and perceive and see the world by. And then we have a stronghold that we build
18:23 around ourselves even though God is our stronghold. He is our shield. He is our strong tower. But we build that with whether that is with isolation or rage or anger or whatever it is. We build that around ourselves. And
18:34 then from behind that little stronghold, we make these vows. I will never trust another woman again. I will never these sorts of the I will nevers. And then from there, we're walking around as our false self wondering
18:43 why we are not healthy in relationships. But we don't even know who we are in the relationship. So what we can do is untangle that really quickly in your own time. You can go, gosh, god. I was wounded today. What's the
18:55 lie the enemy tried to tell me? And what is true? So write down what's true, whether that's scripture, whatever you write down what is true. What's a false belief system I've been living by? And then ask what a true
19:05 belief system is that you can live by. And then after that, you go, okay. What have I been building around myself? What stronghold? Repent of your rage, your anger, whatever it is, and then live differently. And then the
19:16 vows, renounce the vows. Say, I renounce the vow that I can never trust a woman again. Well, they're gonna hurt you again, but you gotta try again. You gotta risk again. And then you start to find that even though you
19:26 might be limping, you're walking as your true self, your healthiest self into relationships. And that is honestly just a few little pathways.
19:35 That was all fantastic. So I hope people were taking notes, not if they're in their car. They'll have to listen to it later. But and something like just to go along with what you said, that was great. I've heard versions
19:47 of that. There's different I get what did you say like
19:49 a progression? Lies false with
19:51 that. Yeah. The progression. Just to add to that, like 1 way to practically walk through that for our listeners is actually write it out. So definitely do like a chart and actually physically write it. There's just
20:02 something different about it. That was funny because I just, I'll randomly do like exercises that I remember like having clients do. And I did 1 the other day where it actually is something that my
20:14 dad taught us, it was to make resolves, which is kind of like the positive version of those vows. So it was what, and I don't know, I just felt like prompted to do it in my quiet time. So I was sitting there
20:26 reading my bible and I was like, I wrote like, I will never, and I wrote out just different things that had to do with my life and my story, I will always. And then I just was feeling like very like
20:37 attacked that day, just spiritually. And so I wrote out like who I was. I was like, I am a Christian, I am an evangelist, I am a minister, I am like, these are things that are true about me.
20:49 And it just helped, I mean, I know you know that, but there really is something powerful about just saying like who you are, who God's called you to be, what you will do, what you won't do. And it does
21:01 take a lot of self awareness. And so I want us to talk about that for a little bit. The enneagram is of course very popular right now. And I was in a conversation, this was hilarious, where
21:13 people were telling me their enneagram numbers. And it's so funny because the enneagram got popular right after I had just spent 5 years learning personality tests and how to diagnose people. You're like rude. I was
21:23 like,
21:23 are you kidding me?
21:24 But I love things that give you insight, I just don't want them to keep you stuck. But I don't have anything against it, but the people I was listening to were saying their number and I was like, what does that mean?
21:36 And they told me, and in my head I was just like, that is not my experience with that person at all. Like that was not just, I mean, at all. And so I talked to 1 of my friends about it who's more into
21:48 enneagrams and she said, that's kind of 1 of the issues because people are just sitting there like how they perceive themselves. And I know you probably know where I'm going with this, maybe
22:00 you do know your enneagram number, maybe you don't, maybe you know what you struggle with, maybe you don't, but there is something in therapy where it's a box and you have the things that everyone knows about you
22:12 and that you know about yourself. And then you have the things only you know about yourself, but then you have the things that only other people know about you and that you have a blind eye
22:24 to. And so you're trying to bring all of that into awareness. You
22:28 Integrate it into a Yeah,
22:30 so I'm saying that all to say, if you're trying to do like the self awareness journey, you're trying to really figure out your wounds or figure out problems, do you agree with me you really can't do that
22:42 in isolation?
22:44 No,
22:44 5 I know you said you have, like you need people saying like, I perceive you this way. This is my experience with you because, I mean, we just aren't good judges of ourselves.
22:55 Yeah. No. We're not good judges of ourselves, and I think we're the hardest on ourselves as well. So even something that we think is like a huge thing, some people are like, that's not a big thing. Like you said, someone
23:05 said, this is my Enneagram number. You're like, that's not how I see you at all. Like, you know? I definitely did not take that. No. We didn't? No. No. But we do have to have people in our world because
23:17 this is a thought that I had right after we finished the last 1. I'm just gonna jump into a few different things that you said because if we're not progressing, we're regressing. Like, there's not progression, there's
23:26 regression. So that's why we do have to be self aware. But at the same time, you don't want to be so self aware that you're constantly navel gazing and you forget about the people in your world. There's this bigger play
23:38 at hand. There's a reason why Jesus came to restore our lives is not just for us, but because there's other people in our world to come alongside. There's people that don't know Jesus. There's people
23:50 that need the love of God that we can share with them. And so anyway, all that to say yes. Don't do it in isolation and with any personality test from Enneagram to whatever it was that you
24:02 studied for 5 years. Yeah. All the other ones. I think we have to Myers Briggs and all other Well, all the other tests that were popular before that time.
24:13 Yes. That were, know, that were popular. But I think any of those things we have to see as tools, otherwise, they become crutches. Right? And we're like, well, this is just who I am. It's like, well, no. That, like, just
24:24 is illuminating to why maybe you have some tendencies to bring self awareness to go, I don't have to stay like that. That's actually really freeing to go, okay, cool. Well, I have a tendency to act this
24:35 way. Mhmm. So, God, I need healing. Like for me Yeah. I said this at the beginning. I know about myself. I'm very aware that I am a deep feeler, that I am fine to move into my pain. I
24:47 have no issues avoiding it. I can become melancholy. That's a lot. That's a lot. But when I do that so there's a reason why, funnily enough, my mom is here this week.
24:59 There's some hard stuff that I have been facing, and I was like, you know what? My husband's away on a trip. I don't wanna be alone. So she drove down Cause I know that I need someone to come and sit on the screened in
25:10 porch with me like she did this morning to speak truth to me and remind me, Andy, you are not your feelings. This is what is true. So we can't do this. We can't walk in healing and isolation. I do talk about Jesus in
25:21 his circles, how even Jesus had the 3, he had the 12, and he had the 72. The 3, he was in intimate connection with. They were invited to those sacred spaces. The 12, he was on mission with, and the 72, he
25:33 sent out. And then beyond that was the crowds, the people that he bumped shoulders with. So we have to understand our circles and that we can be authentic with the many but vulnerable with the few. My friend Irene says
25:44 that all the time. So your true self wherever you are, but not everybody gets to have your heart. Not everybody gets to have those vulnerable places and spaces to help you walk in healing in Christ together.
25:54 Right. So Oh, that's so good. We only have a few minutes, but I want us to talk about friendships really quickly. Just let's be real, like female friendships, some people are just amazing at it, but a
26:06 lot of people, they're definitely struggle with it. They definitely struggle with it. Mean, I tell we've been in teenage student ministry for years. So I mean, I tell the girls, like, you have to figure this
26:18 out now. Like, it doesn't change when you're older. And don't say that, don't say that. I'm like, it's true. Like, you have to figure out your issues, you have to figure out friendships, you have to figure this out
26:30 because it's not like you turn 18 and everything's great, or 30 or 40, so. Can you just speak a little to, I mean, that kind of is the pervasive issue I see, the competitiveness,
26:42 not cheering other women on, how can we change that? How can we create a culture Yeah. That just encourages women versus competes against them?
26:51 Oh, yeah. That is like something I'm so so passionate about. And I think what I realized, I know I keep using the word progression, but there is kind of like a cycle or a progression here to have healthy relationships,
27:02 whether that is with women in friendship or and not be competitive. Yeah. And it is that fact that first of all, you have to own your stuff. You have to walk in your identity. You have to know who you are. Nobody else
27:12 can do that work for you. But when you do that work, you can show up at a table, you can show up in a setting, in a room, to a relationship, or to a friendship, and you actually know who you are and what you bring to the
27:23 table. So there is no need where you're not watching someone else going, wow, that's amazing. Like, envy is not the pervasive thing in your heart. Actually, it's like, wow, I love who God made them to be.
27:35 And not in a, gosh, not in a fake way where you're just trying to fake it till you make it like, wow, that's so great for you. But, really, you have envy deep
27:43 in your heart.
27:44 Yeah. You know what I mean? Mhmm. But where you show up and you go, gosh. I need if you're, like, more soft spoken and introverted, you're like, I just love my outgoing friend that drives me crazy sometimes because they
27:55 pull me out, and I do things that I never would have done because I have them. But I also know that they need me to, like, still and quiet themselves into so I think to like, honestly,
28:06 not walking competition with 1 another is to genuinely do the work, know who you are, and then confidently show up at the table. And then if you are in a place where you just find yourself as jealous or competitive all
28:18 the time, start to be the person that, like, on purpose starts pulling out and encouraging other people in who they are. You'll find that as you go, you know what I love about you is a, b, and c. You'll realize, like,
28:30 just because someone else is amazing doesn't diminish who you are. It's this weird thing that we have, isn't it? It's like, well, because they're amazing, I'm diminished.
28:38 Who said? I know. I love that quote that I see everywhere. It's her success is not your failure. I just love that. Like, the first time I read that, I was like, that is wonderful. Like, someone else
28:49 succeeding doesn't at all change God's plan for your life. I think focusing on it definitely can become a stronghold. I mean, I think even just praying like as much as you can, I mean, is definitely a
29:01 recovery work, but as much as you can just confess to God, wow, like I'm jealous right now, or I'm sad? And we don't talk about this a lot, but jealousy comes from fear. Like actually the
29:12 root emotion is fear, like we're scared. And it takes a bit to realize that, but to realize that jealousy is, oh, I'm scared that my life is not going to be as
29:24 interesting or as successful or whatever. Exactly.
29:29 Yeah. And that's like that scarcity mentality. Like, there's not enough God for you or a plan for you. And he's just like, come on. Right. Yeah. That's so
29:40 true.
29:41 That's good. I think that a lot of times we kind of separate this kind of work, like recovery work and healing. Some people really do separate it a little too much from spiritual practices. I
29:53 mean, if you're like, I don't even know where to start, I have so many problems or struggles or whatever, just start with God. Start with telling God how you feel and then asking Him, I can even tell you how
30:05 many people have, it's like, I always say they just fell out of the sky. I'm like, where did you come from? It's like, God was just like, I'm gonna give you this person now to help you on this part of your journey, on
30:15 this part. Mean, absolutely faithful to provide the people that we need or the programs or the Bible studies, whatever. So I just think that's really cool.
30:26 Well, I was just gonna say, and for anybody listening or watching that's going, yeah. I don't know what the next step is. Honestly, the moment that you open up your heart and say, I need healing in this area, it's almost
30:36 like a door opens. Like you said, the right person, the right thing, the right study, the right and you're like, no way.
30:42 Yeah. Like, oh my gosh. This is real. Oh, this is real.
30:45 Woah. It's just that willingness to go, god, I genuinely want this, and I confess that I need you in this area of my life, and it's so gross and ugly. And the moment that you do that, he's like, I gotShow more
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Julia Jeffress Sadler
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