Skip to content Who's in Charge of Your Marriage❓ Mar 12 · 27 min ...more
Who's in Charge of Your Marriage❓
March 12, 2024 · 27 min
Who should be the ultimate leader in your marriage? The answer we give may surprise you. 👀Follow on social media!YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/MarkDriscollMinistries?sub_confirmation=1Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pastormarkInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/markdriscollTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pastormarkdriscollTwitter: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll Click here for more resources: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll
Series Real Marriage with Mark & Grace Driscoll March 12, 2024 · 27 min · Real Marriage with Mark & Grace Driscoll
Who should be the ultimate leader in your marriage? The answer we give may surprise you. 👀Follow on social media!YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/MarkDriscollMinistries?sub_confirmation=1Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pastormarkInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/markdriscollTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pastormarkdriscollTwitter: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll Click here for more resources: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll ...more Show the full description Show less Who should be the ultimate leader in your marriage? The answer we give may surprise you. 👀Follow on social media!YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/MarkDriscollMinistries?sub_confirmation=1Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pastormarkInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/markdriscollTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pastormarkdriscollTwitter: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll Click here for more resources: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll
Series Real Marriage with Mark & Grace Driscoll
384K followers
With Pastor Mark, it’s all about Jesus! He is a spiritual leader, prolific author, and compelling speaker, but at his core, he is a family man. Mark and his
384K followers
0:01 Pastor Mark here saying thanks for joining me for my podcast. I have been doing this for a very, very, very long time. I got my cancel card out of the way about a decade ago, which is great.0:12 It's like puberty. You just wanna get through it and move on into adulthood. So now, I have the great joy of preaching the bible and triggering progressive Christians who need someone to agitate them. Thank you0:24 for joining me and supporting our ministry, and I'd love to get a free gift to you. So if you do this, I'll I'll get a free book to you. Number 1, leave a 5 star review. Everybody else only leaves a 1 star and I need0:35 some help. In addition, review it, share it, send it to your friends, send it to your enemies, send it to your woke family. And if you text me to 9 9 3 8 3, that's 9 9 3 8 3 with the word0:46 podcast, I'll send you a free book. Here with the, Real Marriage Podcast, we're looking at marriages in the book of Genesis. And, this is part 2 on Adam and Eve, of course, first married couple in the0:58 history of the world. And the question is, how can you and your spouse, have God over your marriage? And, sometimes people want God in their marriage, but they don't want God over their marriage.1:11 Like they want God to come alongside, but they don't want him1:14 to They want the blessing, but they don't want him to rule over.1:16 Yeah. They don't want the they don't want to be under his authority. And so what we see in Genesis is the first wedding. And so it's a prototype. Anytime there's a prototype, then everything1:28 else gets built off of the prototype. And so this is the prototype for marriage. We see that it's 1 man, 1 woman. It's a covenant with God that is1:39 consummated sexually. And, 1 way to look at the great book of Genesis is a series of case studies on family dynamics. What a lot of sociological or psychological1:50 journals will do, they'll do case studies, and they'll look at people, and they'll extrapolate lessons positive and negative from their life. That's kind of our approach to Genesis. These are real people and real2:01 families, but they serve as case studies for generational architecting of family. And what we learn in Genesis 1 is that God divinely designs and architects the2:13 world. And then in Genesis, 2, he architects marriage. Mhmm. And so the same God who created the world created marriage. And in the world, when we work against2:24 God's created order, we cause ourselves a lot of pains and problems. And similarly, in marriage, when we operate according to God's divine design, there is blessing. When we2:36 work against it, there's a lot of pain. And so, I'll just read it to you. Genesis 2, pretty famous. Then the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone. And so what God is saying2:48 is, we're better together. Mhmm. And anybody who looks at their spouse and says, I don't need you is calling God a liar. Right. And and so just like there is the Trinity, 13:00 God, 3 persons, Marriage is a little bit like the Trinity. It's it's the man and the woman, 2 persons, but they're 1, and they're better together. He says, I'll make a helper fit for him.3:12 And that's the same word or same concept of the Holy Spirit in the New Testament. He's our helper. And so then God made all the animals, brought them to Adam, Adam got to name them.3:24 And he's probably thinking, Lord, please tell me that's not her. Nope. That's an aardvark. Okay. Good. Finally, God makes the woman from the side of the man. And that's where she comes from.3:36 She's not to be ahead, like feminism would teach her behind like chauvinism would teach, but alongside as a friend and a partner. And then, God brings the woman to the man. And so3:48 God here in the first marriage, he's like the dad walking the daughter down the aisle. And he's the officiant, officiating the ceremony. It's kind of like when our oldest daughter was married, I kind of got to do both.4:00 Walked her down the aisle and then I officiated the wedding and 1 of the greatest days of my whole life. And this is, God doing the same. And then the man, said, and so this is the first recorded words of any man in4:11 human history. It's like you didn't even talk until the woman showed up. And in the Hebrew, it's a song. It's poetic. Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, she shall be called woman for she was taken out of4:23 man. And so the man bursts into song. And and so this is the first wedding. It's beautiful. It's poetic. You know, they didn't have to go get a tux and a dress.4:34 Was pretty simple4:35 on the attire.4:37 Budget.4:37 Very, very, very low budget. And, and so when it comes to Christians, we just view marriage totally different than non Christians.4:46 Mhmm. Or we should.4:48 We should. And so in in most people's understanding, it's a husband and a wife. And then it becomes a power struggle to see which 1 is gonna be5:00 over the other.5:01 Mhmm.5:01 K? Did we have some of that early on in our marriage? You and I struggling to see which 1 was gonna be in charge?5:09 Not really.5:11 Are you kidding me? This is where we get real in the real. You mean5:14 the dating or marriage?5:17 Early on, we got married. There were things that you wanted that I didn't want. And there was things that I wanted and you didn't want. So we'd have I5:26 don't know. It felt little in the beginning. What? Oh my gosh. Really? Yeah. Maybe you're overreacting.5:35 Oh, okay. So but did you feel early in the marriage that that I could be a little overbearing, domineering?5:47 I'll ask the question a different way.5:51 Yes.5:52 Yes. And, and how did that make you feel?6:00 Less valued.6:01 Less valued. Because I I'm kind of a force of personality sometimes. And and so I miss I think when we got married, I I6:12 misunderstood this whole notion of headship isn't being the boss. It's not being the king. It's not being the ruler. It's taking responsibility for the well-being of the other. And6:24 so it's not about me being over you, but me putting you first as a priority.6:30 It's leading lovingly. Yeah. Like Christ loves church.6:35 Yep. And and then there were times, though, that you you would get passive aggressive, and you would try to reverse6:48 the authority structure, and you would try and be the boss. Oftentimes more cute and subversive than my methods. How common do you think it is in a7:00 marriage where 1 person is trying to sort of be over the other, and it leads to a lot of tension and conflict.7:10 I mean, it's part of our curse. So Yeah. To rule over the man. So I think I mean, 100 percent of women struggle with that from 1 aspect or another.7:22 Some it's very in your face. Some it's, like you said, passive aggressive. It's resentment in the heart and wanting to secretly do things or7:33 say things. I think we try and do that in all kinds of different ways as women, and then, you know, men can respond to that either sinfully or, in a loving leading way.7:45 And so in the first marriage with Adam and Eve, God was obviously over it. Mhmm. He created the man, gave him instructions, directives, created the woman,7:56 brought the woman to the man, spoke to them both, told them kinda here's the this is what marriage is. Here's my decrees and commands. The rest of scripture, God has a lot more to say. And8:08 so ultimately, the Christian view of marriage is it's not a husband and a wife and and no 1 else. It's the husband and the wife and the Lord. And what happens in a8:20 marriage where the Lord is not really understood as being over the couple, 1 of 2 things happen. Either there's a power struggle between the husband and the wife to see which 1 would be in8:32 charge.8:32 And8:34 usually the stronger personality wins, or sometimes the most emotional, dramatic 1 wins or there becomes manipulation like, hey. You know, I'll I'll do this.8:46 If I get this, it turns into a hostage negotiation.8:48 Or if the man is passive, the woman feels like she needs to step up because someone needs to lead.8:53 Gonna see that Genesis 3, it doesn't go really well.8:55 Yep.8:56 And or what happens is they're they get to a point where they've once tried to rule over the other, and it's not really working. So then their life becomes like parallel train tracks. And they're not9:08 1. It's like you do your thing, I do my thing. We keep our distance. Because every time we come together, we kind of have we have a blow up, we have a war, we have a conflict. And so what we see in a Christian marriage9:20 is God's over it. And as simple as this concept is, oftentimes, even when people will read a marriage book, go to a marriage conference, or listen to a podcast, what they're looking for is information to9:32 give their spouse so that they can be in charge. Yep. You gotta listen to this podcast.9:37 Yeah. Well, the point thing9:37 The husband says that you gotta do what the wife says. You know? No. No. No. You gotta listen to this podcast. They say that you gotta do what the husband says. And what difference does it make very, very practically9:49 to just come to the agreement, I'm not over you. You're not over me. He's over us both. And we both are under his authority, and he is the 1 who is10:01 over this marriage.10:03 Well, I think for a woman, practically, knowing that God is over it is safe. Because even if not even if, but when a man, a husband sins,10:16 if he's submitting to God and she's submitting to God, she feels like it'll get worked out, and God's gonna resolve this because we're both gonna submit to him. And if he's,10:28 you know, on the passive side, then she can appeal to the Lord to help him to lead. If he's on the domineering side, then she can appeal to the Lord that he would have a softer heart10:40 and learn that. But when God's over it, you have someone to appeal to. Mhmm. And you don't feel like it's just you and your struggle, and you don't know what to say or do because it's, you know, it's just you.10:54 And knowing that God is literally over it, we dealt with in the first episode God's blessing. If you're not acknowledging God's authority, rule, and reign over your11:06 marriage, then he's not going to bless it. Mhmm. Because he only blesses he only blesses his will, not our will. And I'll never forget some years ago, God11:17 spoke to me, and and he said, you know, before she was your wife, she was my daughter.11:23 Mhmm.11:25 And it was his way of just reminding me like, I'm over you. Mhmm. And I'm over this marriage. And that is my daughter. Mhmm. And now that I have daughters, I see exactly what he11:37 was talking about. But what are the practical ways or just some suggestions? Theoretically, most Christian couples would say,11:49 well, we know it's not just us. It's also the Lord. And yeah, he's over our marriage. But practically, what does this look like for a couple to live under God's authority12:01 over both of them in the marriage so that they're alongside 1 another Mhmm. Working to obey God, but they're not trying to rule over 1 another as God.12:10 Mhmm. Well, being in the word together and separately, you have your own relationship with the Lord, and you have to give an account for that someday, and you can't blame it on your spouse. Mhmm.12:21 And worshiping together, same church, you know, same doing the same things to worship God together.12:29 The same teaching in the same community. Mhmm. Yeah. And, I mean, how would you feel as a woman if if I wasn't in the scriptures or I wasn't in prayer or I wasn't in12:41 worship?12:43 Yeah. Like I said, it doesn't feel safe if you think the husband's not under the submission of God.12:49 Yeah. Because, I mean, if your spouse isn't under God's authority, and they're not living practically under God's authority, the odds of them putting themselves13:00 in harm's way that could cause catastrophic damage to the marriage and family is exceedingly high. Mhmm.13:07 Yeah. Spiritually and emotionally, it just doesn't feel, like, peaceful.13:13 Pastor Mark here. Special, special, special, series of conversations with my wife, Grace. We've been married faithfully 31 years, And, in a13:24 series right now, leaving Cleave on family systems and how to architect your immediate and extended family to bless your marriage and children for generations. It's basically what to do13:36 and what not to do. In addition to the sermons, can find it real faith dot com slash cleave. I've got a special 4 part series with my wife, Grace, where we talk about this13:48 very practically and share from our own marriage and experience. And so I really hope you enjoy it. And again, you can find all the content, including the workbook along with the sermons,14:00 real faith dot com slash cleave, c l e a v e. And how does this work out then when it comes to making big decisions? Usually, a couple when14:12 they've gotta make decisions, usually, there's 1 person who's the dominant personality and sort of pushes for the outcome that they want. Sometimes that can lead to a lot of stalemates or a lot of14:24 conflict or 1 person feeling like they're sort of being drug along or pushed along and and they're not really being considered in the decision making process. Mhmm. What does that look like for a husband and a14:36 wife to both say we're we're gonna find God's will.14:40 Mhmm. Yeah. I mean, I think we talked about pros and cons. I think figuring out for each of us what our pros and cons are in a situation, and then coming together and having a conversation.14:52 And for me, I know that sometimes my decisions can come out of fear. And so I have to be careful not to, consider something or try and make15:04 a decision out of fear. So when I come with my ideas and you come with your ideas and we sit down and talk about it, we can point those things out to each other. And then we can say, okay, Lord. This is this is what we15:16 have come together. Please show us. Give us wisdom in this. And if we're way off track, we need to know that. If we're going in the right direction and you have a plan here, then we wanna know that as well. And so it's15:28 really it's considering 1 another, but it's above that seeking the Lord's will.15:35 And for me, I can do a lot of research, and I like to strategize, and I like to sequence, and then I could turn into a salesman. Mhmm. And I'm pushing you like, well, here's all the reasons I've done all the data. So15:47 there was a season we talked about in the first episode, but we had a massive decision to make, like 1 of those like generational altering15:59 because like, you know, where you live, where you go to church, where you raise your kids, where they go to college, where they get married, where they raise their girls, those are that's big. And a lot of people right16:09 now are making that big decision that we made some years ago. That is, we're going to move to another state, we're going to reset our whole life, new house, new school, new family, new friends, new job, new church, like,16:21 complete hard reset on life. And if we didn't agree on that decision, we would have blown up our marriage.16:30 Mhmm.16:31 Because there were too many days that it was too stressful, and there were too many unknowns, and it was too, it was just too overwhelming, quite frankly. And so, maybe explain to them how16:43 in that moment, it wasn't what do you want? What do I want? But we were both seeking the Lord asking, okay, Lord, you're over the marriage, And you need to tell us together what you want us to16:55 do so that it's not 1 of us winning, but it's both of us worshiping by doing what it is you want us to do. And maybe just explain practically what that process looked like for us17:07 and especially for you.17:09 Yeah. I mean, you you are a researcher, so you had to do all that. And I didn't have I had to not get annoyed by that or put off by that. I had to just let you do that because that's what you need to do to process.17:21 And so I needed to be okay with that and not feel pushed by that. And but when you did push too far and kept giving information like a salesman, it was like, okay. I need you to step back. I've got the information I17:32 need. I don't need as much as you, but I I've got the amount of information I need. I need to hear from the Lord. I need to hear not separately as far as, us making separate decisions, but I need to hear what the Lord is17:44 asking. Because I knew, again, with me, there were fears involved. I'd never lived anywhere else. I'd never, you know, had friends in other states that I had to make. There's there's so many variables I've17:56 not had to choose school in a community where I knew nothing about the community. I've not had to, you know, up and pack up everything and move it to a whole another state. You lived18:07 in the same house your whole life.18:09 Yeah. I did. And so for me, it was major, and there were a lot of fears. Like, if this? What if that? Oh my gosh. I can't handle this or that. And so the Lord had to work in me to be able to even18:21 help me hear his voice because the fear can cloud, and crowd out his voice. And so, I needed that space. Just I had the information that you had18:33 gathered, and I needed to hear from the Lord. And first, I needed to hear that, yes, we were moving. And then from there, then I wanted to hear, okay, Lord. What does that look like? What's my part in18:45 this? What location? What are the variables? And then we start to put a started to put a list together of kind of the variables we were looking for that we knew the Lord had for us. And18:57 part of that was getting into a a place that was that had more sun because you have seasonal affective disorder, and that affects your whole outlook. And so health, my well-being. And I was fine with that because I love19:07 the sun as well. So there's things that came up like that that that it was great. We knew the Lord was directing us in certain ways, but we really had to just walk through each of the my19:19 fears and your concerns and all your research, and we just took it bit by bit. And then once God started to join us in that decision making process, and we then we could walk19:31 it together. But we were very much coming at it from different angles, and the Lord needed to to get us to a place where we could journey that together.19:39 Going back to Adam and Eve, god says it's not good to be alone and that your spouse is a helper. Meaning, you know, you're probably not gonna make the right decision on your own. And your spouse is different than you19:51 because they help bring insight and wisdom and gifts that are different. And I I never forget so maybe be honest with the listeners, where where did I wanna go? My will was20:03 California.20:03 California. Your will was20:07 Not California.20:08 Stay stay in Washington. So so you were like, I wanna stay in Washington. I was like, I wanna go to California. It's sunny, and I can go to LA and dah dah dah dah dah. And and your thoughts on California were?20:19 It's a celebrity culture, and I didn't wanna raise kids20:21 in that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not moving there. Was like, okay. So you and I could have had just, you know, almost like an arm wrestling match. You're like Mhmm. I'm staying in Washington. I wanna move to California. It could20:31 have blown up our whole20:32 Oh, absolutely.20:33 Marriage. Because if we20:34 We could have said, hey. Fine. Stay in California, and you move to California.20:37 You move I20:38 just stay in Washington, and you move to California.20:40 And then I'll never forget. There was 1 day you were like, I've heard from you. I need to hear from the Lord. I don't need you to bring up your research.20:48 I appreciate the research, but I need to hear from20:50 the Lord. You need to hear from the Lord. Mhmm. And it took months. Mhmm.20:54 Took 2 months. Yeah. 4. That's a long time for you. That's a long time20:58 for me.20:58 Yeah. But21:00 then the Lord spoke to both of us and called us to Arizona. Mhmm. And that wasn't what you wanted originally. And that wasn't what I wanted. But we both heard21:12 from the Lord, he was over the marriage. And I was like, Lord, tell her we get to go to California. You know, he's like, Son, no. And Well, and21:20 I'm not usually as adamant as I was about not moving to California, but I was very I knew that that's not where the Lord wanted us. I just knew it in my21:29 In retrospect21:31 It was such a protection of us.21:35 We we we've been totally richly blessed. We're in the place that God wants us. I'm 100 percent convinced of that.21:45 He's confirmed it in many ways.21:46 Innumerable ways and blessed us richly like we talked about in the first episode. But again, God made marriage, and he didn't make the husband or the wife to be21:58 the highest authority. He is the highest authority. And he made the husband and the wife to be under his authority and to seek his will. And it's not good to be independent alone. You help22:10 each other. You're better together. I don't think that, you and I would have come up with Arizona.22:17 Mm-mm. I mean Really? I didn't know anything about it, really Yeah. Until you did your research.22:25 Here's the house per square foot price, and here's the traffic patterns in the Edmonton airport, here's the colleges and schools, and here's the distance to the mountains, and it's cooler in the summer. Here's the cost22:36 of living. And, you know, and and you're like, I don't care. And so we're better together. But we absolutely landed on the will of God22:48 and the place that he wanted us to be and our children and, you know, Lord willing, someday soon, whenever the Lord wills, grandchildren to be. Mhmm. And it all comes out of the simple22:59 principle that starts with Adam and Eve, and that is God is over the marriage. Yeah. And God knows what's best for you. And God knows what the future holds. Because all my research, 7 years,23:11 8 years later, however many years it's been, all the data has changed.23:15 Oh, yeah. Hundred percent. I23:18 mean, you know, the whole world has changed. And God knew what was coming, and I didn't. So I'm making all my research and data analysis based upon known facts, and God sees a future that I don't know.23:30 And so our our encouragement and our exhortation to you as a married couple would be this. Oftentimes, people weaponize God. And what religious people love to do in their marriage, they love23:42 to go to the Bible, find verses that allow them to rule over their spouse and sort of get their way. And if you are 1 of those people, you're you're misusing God's word. God's23:54 word is not for you to control or rule over your spouse. It's to help you and your spouse find God's will and live under his rule. And this is where sometimes religious people will weaponize the24:06 Bible and use it in a in a way that God never intended and won't bless. And so our question to you would be, and this would be a good conversation for you and your spouse, are you both functionally, practically,24:18 actually from the heart living under God's rule, seeking God's will, or are you trying to be the 1 who is over your spouse and get your way, even using God talking24:30 scripture as part of your arsonary, your arsenal and your weaponry? And I just wanna thank you, honey. I mean, you heard from the Lord,24:41 and he said no to California. And I'll just be honest, not being in California trying to preach through books of the Bible during COVID and social justice24:53 riots Mhmm. Worked out pretty good.24:55 Yes. Amen.24:56 You wanna pray for them as they have a discussion about how they can live under God's rule practically in their marriage?25:01 Yeah. Dear Lord, thank you that you've already told us what the curse is so we can live knowing that that's gonna be a tendency. Lord, the man is gonna wanna be passive, and the woman's gonna25:13 wanna rule over, and we don't want that for these marriages. We want your way because we know there's blessing that comes with that. We know that there's a deepening of our love for each other that comes from that, and25:23 there's wisdom that comes from that. So, Lord, just direct us, as women, how to be better helpers and direct the men how to be loving leaders. And, Lord, thank you25:34 that you created us and you know what's best and that we would trust that and put you as the head of our marriage. In Jesus' name. Amen.25:41 Everybody needs some good news. Our world is filled with nothing but bad news. The good news is the Bible tells us not just what happened, but what always happens. And we don't just need to look at the Bible. We25:53 can look through it and make perfect and total sense of this weird, woke world in which we live. I've been preaching God's word for about 30 years. And I wanna let you know that Real Faith26:05 is independent, free, and a voice that is prophetic in a world that is pathetic. And I wanna thank you for your partnership. We are 100 percent supported by ministry partners like26:16 you. You can't cancel us. We don't have advertisers. We don't have publishers. You can go pound sand because people like you pay the bills. Go to real faith dot com slash donate, give your best26:28 gift, and help me keep up the good fight.
59:13
29 Signs of the Jezebel Spirit Mark Driscoll
Comments No comments yet. Start the conversation.
Mark Driscoll
Comments
Keep it kind. Comments are public.