Skip to content Providing For Your Family Feb 13 · 24 min ...more
Providing For Your Family
February 13, 2023 · 24 min
Song of Songs // Week 4. How does a man Biblically provide for their family? --- For all links mentioned and more from the Real Marriage Podcast, visit: https://linktr.ee/realmarriage Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesFollow on social media!YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/MarkDriscollMinistries?sub_confirmation=1Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pastormarkInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/markdriscollTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pastormarkdriscollTwitter: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll Click here for more resources: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll
Series Real Marriage with Mark & Grace Driscoll February 13, 2023 · 24 min · Real Marriage with Mark & Grace Driscoll
Song of Songs // Week 4. How does a man Biblically provide for their family? --- For all links mentioned and more from the Real Marriage Podcast, visit: https://linktr.ee/realmarriage Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesFollow on social media!YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/MarkDriscollMinistries?sub_confirmation=1Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pastormarkInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/markdriscollTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pastormarkdriscollTwitter: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll Click here for more resources: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll ...more Show the full description Show less Song of Songs // Week 4. How does a man Biblically provide for their family? --- For all links mentioned and more from the Real Marriage Podcast, visit: https://linktr.ee/realmarriage Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesFollow on social media!YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/MarkDriscollMinistries?sub_confirmation=1Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pastormarkInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/markdriscollTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pastormarkdriscollTwitter: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll Click here for more resources: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll
Series Real Marriage with Mark & Grace Driscoll
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With Pastor Mark, it’s all about Jesus! He is a spiritual leader, prolific author, and compelling speaker, but at his core, he is a family man. Mark and his
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0:00 God wants us to have a healthy, flourishing, enjoyable marriage. And so the timing of that is if we're getting so emotionally or physically involved with0:12 someone, but we're not actually working on the stuff beforehand that we need to to be a healthy person, both of us, then the timing's wrong because then we're gonna have a broken relationship together0:24 because we're both so broken, we're not actually working together in a healthy way.0:29 Well, howdy y'all. Pastor Mark here welcoming you back to the Real Marriage Podcast. If you don't know, we got a brand new book, my wife Grace and I. It's called Real Romance, and it's on sex in the Song0:41 of Songs. And, hey, if you're not having sex, we want help. If you're having sex, we want you to have more and better sex. And if you're doing really great, congratulations. You're officially a0:52 unicorn. The book is now available, and you can find all the details at real romance book dot com. And on today's episode, we'll be delving into the Song of Songs, the Real Romance1:04 Marriage book, and try to help you spice up your love life, my friend. And then he talks about lastly the provision. And what he says is, here's our house, and it's made of1:16 these elements, and it's provision. And there's something in a man that when he provides for his wife and his kids, there's something in a man that just sort of speaks to his dignity. And we talk a1:28 lot about grace, and you know God is a God of grace. Men providing for their families is 1 way that men demonstrate grace. And so what he's trying to do for her is say, I'm doing1:40 the best I can to provide for you and for our family.
1:44 You've always done that and I appreciate that. I've never had to worry about that. We haven't been loaded or anything, but it doesn't, that's not the point. You've provided our needs.
1:53 But early, were very, very broke. We were married in college as college students. And then we started ministry to college students, is never
2:01 Good idea. Yeah, yeah.
2:03 Mean, we believed in Jesus, but not math apparently. But God was always gracious, but you never made me feel bad for what I made or what I was able to provide. There was always a gratitude and I was working hard. And
2:15 what he's saying is, I'm doing the best I can to provide. I really do care for you. And I want our home to be a place that our family can dwell. And so then she speaks as well. She's really passionate and flirtatious.
2:26 Yes. And she concludes many of these sections, her or the friends do, talking about timing. And she says, Do not arouse or awaken love until it's time or until it desires.
2:38 So talk about the issue of it's not where's the line, but when's the time?
2:43 Mhmm. Yeah. Like I said in a previous session, passion is a good thing. It just needs to be in the hearth of marriage. And it's not wrong to have it. It's normal to have
2:55 that. But timing is super important because God's timing is in marriage. And so if we we talked about before as well, like healing up and we did it wrong and we didn't work
3:07 through our pains and our wrong thinking beforehand. And so it took us a long time to get to a place of talking through that. But God wants us to have a healthy, flourishing,
3:18 enjoyable marriage. And so the timing of that is if we're getting so emotionally or physically involved with someone, but we're not actually working on the stuff
3:30 beforehand that we need to to be a healthy person, both of us, then the timing's wrong because then we're gonna have a broken relationship together because we're both so broken. We're not actually working
3:41 together in a healthy way. And so really, timing with the Lord, it's it's okay to keep waiting until you see that you're in a place that you're ready for marriage. And I think a lot of people rush
3:53 into it thinking, once we get married, it'll be better. These things will either go away or it'll just we'll work on it together. And that just isn't always the case. And so we need to pay attention to the Lord's timing
4:04 in that.
4:05 So then she talks about, I'm faint with love, I'm gonna need snacks. Mean, she's planning on this taking a while of being intimate and not rushing it. And then she said his
4:17 left arm is under me and his right arm embraces me. She's talking about how she's telling him, I like it when we snuggle and you hold me like this. And for guys, just so you know, ladies,
4:28 we don't know. You've got to tell us and we won't be offended. We're just happy to know. And so maybe you've said something before and you got it from Pastor Jimmy Evans, I think, who we love and he's 1 of our overseers
4:40 at the church. Nonsexual touch, which men have never even conceived of. So share that concept.
4:47 It's just what it says.
4:49 And again, we don't understand that, so please explain.
4:53 It's snuggling, it's holding hands, it's taking a walk together.
4:56 Not driving toward an end zone just for the sake of
4:59 Just for the sake of time together and investing in just passion for each other that doesn't necessarily but could lead towards sex, but it doesn't have to. That's important for a woman just to be loved
5:11 for who she is rather than just love for what she can do.
5:14 Okay. And so, would say then it's helpful for the wife to literally just say, here's what I want. I want to sit together, I want to snuggle together, I want to go for a walk, I want you to rub my
5:26 back, I want to sit in the tub, literally tell him. And I think sometimes in marriage, we're frustrated with 1 another, but we're not articulating to 1 another. And if you have a servant's heart,
5:38 it's like, well, just tell me what it is you would like, and I would like to make you happy, and I just don't know what that is. And she does that, actually she does that throughout the whole book. She speaks first, she
5:47 speaks most, she's very frank, she's very clear, she's very overt, she's very direct, she's like, Do this, don't do that. Yes ma'am, reporting for Duda. So then we get
5:59 into some interesting interpretive options. She says like, how do you say it again? Sachet of myrrh.
6:08 Sashay? Sashay of
6:09 myrrh resting between my breasts. And she's saying, you're like a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts. Now, as soon as we get any Bible verses on breasts, the theologians
6:21 immediately don't know what to do. It's like, oh, allegory, allegory, allegory. Because usually there are single guys who are, I don't know what to do. It's mountains.
6:33 Yeah. Well, this is what they do. So some scholars would say that this is speaking to the Shekinah glory between the 2 Cherubim that stood over the ark
6:43 of the Oh, that is quite a stretch, just to not be honest.
6:46 Just so you know, that guy was
6:47 single. Yeah.
6:48 And it wasn't by choice. He just didn't have a lot of options. No women wanted to sign up for a lifetime supply of wine. But it is this sort of weird, it's like, oh, God's talking here, and he's speaking through
7:00 the husband and the wife, and they're talking about their sexuality and their body. Oh, we obviously can't do that. And my point would be, if you're more conservative than God, you need to scoot over. Yeah. That some
7:10 people are to the right of God. Now some people are to the left. The sex as God people, they're to the left of God. They're too far progressive. Those who are more conservative
7:22 than God, the sexist gross people, they need to scoot to the left. And so as you hear this and you read some of this, if it bothers you, the question is why? Because it doesn't bother God. Why does something that doesn't
7:34 bother God, why should it or does it bother you? Another interpretation that these 2 breasts are the Old Covenant and the New Covenant, or the Old Testament and the New Testament. So I'll just ask you as a
7:46 woman and a theological expert, is that what it's talking about?
7:49 Okay, thank you.
7:51 And then the other would say that the sachet of myrrh is Christ resting between the old and No,
7:56 I wanna think about that. If you have to think that hard about it, it's probably not what I mean.
8:05 Well, yeah, and it doesn't make it any better. It's not like it was awkward and now it's not.
8:09 Yeah, exactly.
8:09 It's like it was awkward. That's really awkward.
8:11 Yeah, exactly.
8:12 And so she is talking about her own body. And she's talking about her own body in a sexual way. So is that okay for a godly Christian, Bible believing woman?
8:23 Wife.
8:23 Wife. Not just woman.
8:25 Yes, wife. Yes. Yes, she displays that for us here. And she's, like we've talked about, aggressive in an appropriate way inside the bounds of marriage, showing that she loves her husband, is passionate for
8:37 him and wants to engage with him in all kinds of ways. So
8:41 And she's flirty. She's inviting him. She's saying, I want your head to rest here. I see
8:48 Women get resentful when they feel like that their husband isn't reading their mind, but she's clearly saying what's on her mind. So we need to do that. We need to be clear with our spouse about what we
9:00 enjoy.
9:00 But that can take some for anyone, husband or wife, that can take some significant bravery.
9:04 Oh, yeah, it takes courage. But again, it's if you're building this relationship together, you're building trust, you're building safety, you're building security, those things will get easier to discuss together
9:16 because it's just your best friend and you enjoying each other.
9:19 And that's where we would say friendship is so crucial because you can talk about things and flirt about things. And if it's your friend, there's not this expectation of like perfect performance. It might be awkward,
9:30 something might not Yeah,
9:32 I just laugh.
9:32 Like there was a couple 1 time, I shouldn't say this, so I will. The wife, when we taught this years ago, we've taught this a few times, the wife always wanted to be intimate with her husband on
9:44 the coffee table. I don't know why this was her thing. And so her husband came home and she's laying on the coffee table, and she broke the coffee table. And
9:58 if you're not friends, that's an awkward moment. But if you're
10:01 a friend You don't want to tell that story at the ER.
10:04 Yeah, but you do want to tell it on the real romance Song of Songs Bible study curriculum. But, and I said, what did you guys do? They said, we just laughed and laughed and laughed. Yeah, have Because if you're friends,
10:14 you're gonna flirt, you're gonna say, wanna try this, and I'll, yeah, it didn't go so good. And that's okay. That's just friendship and marriage and freedom. All right, so now the moment we've all been waiting for, maybe
10:25 the most controversial, debated, explicit section in the whole Bible.
10:31 Okay. Quote someone else then.
10:33 Okay, yeah, exactly. She says, He's like an apple tree. I like to be in his shade under him, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. Just
10:47 like it sounds. Well, Joseph Dello in his book is gonna see it He's just,
10:55 a theologian, a
10:56 trained, That's right.
10:59 Know, the key is when you get in trouble, put a footnote and blame someone else.
11:05 He says, We have a faint and delicate reference to an oral genital caress.
11:10 This is 3000 years ago. Yeah. This is in a conservative religious environment. This is with Hebrew people. And what they are
11:22 articulating is that God's way is the best way, that God's way is a passionate way, that God's way is an erotic way, and that marriage can be magnificent. And so sometimes what we tend to think is, you
11:34 know, well, God's people, we should be sort of anti sex because the world is so pro sex. We should be pro marriage. Should be pro godly. We should be pro Bible.
11:45 We should have the happiest marriages.
11:47 We should have the happiest and the most free because we're operating according to God's design. And for most people, it's pretty shocking to think the Bible talks
11:58 about, you know, oral sex? Well, apparently it does. And it's gonna talk about it again a little bit later in Song of Songs, so please come back
12:07 to that session.
12:10 It's intimated, it's very poetic, and it's very frank without being crass. It's very clear without being clinical. It's very beautiful without
12:22 being pornographic, but she's going to invite him to do the similar to her, to do the same to her. And so all of this is to say that if you're not in your marriage talking about some things
12:34 that you would like to do, you're probably not in a healthy place, and you're probably not enjoying the fullness of freedom that God gives. And it doesn't mean that everything that you want to do and you discuss, you
12:45 have to do. We'll talk about that, that there's freedom to say no, you don't need to exercise the fullness of your freedom, but it's important to have some discussions about, well, what would you like? What would you
12:55 like to try? What are you interested about? And let me ask you this, why is it sometimes that married couples that have even been married for years and they're having sex, they don't talk about sex?
13:05 Well, like you said, it's not a healthy thing, and you're probably gonna end up living 2 separate lives if there's no intimacy at all in your marriage and especially not free intimacy ultimately. I mean, doesn't always
13:17 happen overnight. It takes time to build. Like we said, it takes time to trust and build safety. But if there's not any of that, it's actually a really dangerous place. It opens your marriage up for the enemy to come in
13:28 and divide even more.
13:29 And what this is, she's telling him things that she's looking forward to. And what this is, is this is building anticipation. This is building excitement. This is something to look forward to. And
13:41 it means that their relationship will always be growing, changing, maturing. I always say if you're quoting the same verses you did 20 years ago, if you're going on the same dates you did 20 years
13:53 ago, if you have the exact same menu of sexual positions you did 20 years ago, you're probably stuck and it's time to make some forward progress be a little more creative and find your freedom in Christ. And
14:06 so growing up as a pastor's daughter, would you have been a little shocked to hear that something like this is in the Old Testament?
14:15 Oh, absolutely. Yeah. No, I had no idea.
14:19 Well, you're welcome. I've been studying the Bible, and I'm glad to share with you. And so then back to this concept of ein Gedi, they're talking about their relationship is an oasis,
14:30 place of rest and refuge and replenishing and flourishing. And they're talking about their home being a place of ein gedi. They're talking about then going on
14:42 dates or vacations to places of ein gedi. Maybe just in closing, talk about how to treat home and architect it and design it in such a way that it can be a bit of
14:54 Ein Gedi. It can be a refreshing place for the couple to connect, to flirt, to relax, for the woman to have non sexual touch, for them to have sexual intimacy, for home to be the place that is the
15:06 beginning of Vengeti.
15:07 Yeah, I haven't always done a good job of this because I'm not an interior designer in gifting. But I've worked at trying to create spaces even if the
15:19 whole house isn't in Enghetti to create spaces that you like to be in. And I think you know the bedroom number 1 needs to be a place that you both enjoy. It doesn't feel frantic. There's not an office on the side with
15:30 all
15:31 the work to We've never had work in the bedroom. We don't have a TV in the bedroom. We told the kids, this is not your room. With 5 kids, they will take over the whole house if you love them.
15:41 Have a lock on the door.
15:43 Lock, well, yeah, okay, I didn't know we'd get into that. There was 1 counseling session we did, just comes to mind. And the husband was like, yeah, she's not very free, she's very timid, we don't have sex very often.
15:55 And so I looked at her, I said, Well, is there anything that could change this? She said, Well, he needs to put a lock on the door. I was like, Well, why? She said, Well, we were doing some stuff and the kids walked in.
16:05 Yeah, that'll. And she's like, Ever since then, a little PTSD imperative.
16:09 Oh yeah,
16:09 so are the kids. They're like, oh, this is how we got here. And I asked him, I said, didn't you put a lock on the door? Said, well, I just don't feel like it's important. I was like,
16:19 Wow.
16:20 It is.
16:20 Yeah.
16:21 I said, But this is a self inflicted wound.
16:23 Absolutely. And
16:25 so, you know, it is telling, for us when the kids were little, was like, This is not your room, this is mommy and daddy's room. This is sacred, it's holy, It's set apart. Don't want to see you know, fishy crackers and
16:36 GI Joe's in here.
16:39 Step on Legos.
16:40 Step on Legos in the middle of the night. And so we told them this is not your room. If you want to come in or you need us, knock on the door. Don't just walk in.
16:48 Be respectful.
16:49 Be respectful. And we did always have a lock on the door. And so let's talk about then 2 couples that have kids and they have the family bed.
17:03 Well, yeah, I mean, it's a belief system that I'm not in agreement with, but
17:09 So you're saying it's demonic.
17:12 When we first had kids, we had a bassinet next to the bed when the babies were really little. And yeah, when you're letting your kids into that place where you and your husband have opportunity
17:24 for intimacy and safety and freedom, it really distorts us I think for a woman too, I think it distorts perception of sex being a gift because there's always
17:36 something there to prohibit that. So, women allow that because they do need to heal up. And so that's their kind of their wall that they use to guard from
17:48 not having to engage in sexual activity because they're wounded and need to and don't know how to experience freedom. And so and for men, it can just be really like you feel put aside.
17:58 Oh, you feel like you've been displaced
18:00 as a Yes.
18:01 Like the child is now the priority I am just the provider but not Yeah.
18:05 There's seasons when kids struggle and have nightmares and all that.
18:07 Yeah, yeah,
18:07 yeah. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about like their places in the bed next to you constantly for however many years. It's just not it's not a healthy it's not healthy for the kids either, honestly.
18:18 And and they need to be able to have their own space. You need to have your own space. There's too many, there's not boundaries in that that are appropriate. And so it can really lead to some confusion and all that.
18:29 But Hebrews says to keep the marriage bed pure. It doesn't talk about the family bed.
18:33 Right.
18:35 You know, and so to me
18:36 It's a sacred
18:37 our bedroom is sacred. If you have a master bathroom, it's sacred. Your kids do have a nightmare, pull them into bed, and they're literally put a bassinet next to the bed. You know, if they're sick or
18:49 teething and mom's swaddling them and sleeping or whatever, I mean, you know, we're not legalistic about it. But if you don't have a clear boundary between we are married, and this is our
19:00 married space, and this is our married life, and this is our married privacy, then I think what you're doing is you're really damaging your marriage. And I would go so far as to say you're also damaging your children.
19:12 And you're setting for them a bad example of what marriage looks like. It's not sacred. It's not set apart. It's not private. It's like that's not what we want to communicate in any regard or way.
19:24 And in Giddy at Home, so for us, it's always been, how do we set up our bedroom that at the end of the day we can get a little bit of a break there? It becomes a bit of an oasis. In addition, there are places
19:36 in the home that we can sit and snuggle and watch a movie, or we can sit outside. I love sitting outside. I love being outdoors. We've got a fireplace outside so we can sit out there. I just like having
19:48 places that are just little vignettes of engetting. Like we can go here, we can go here, we can go here. I like going for walks. I like going to certain places for dinner. I like going to certain places for date
19:59 night. I like going certain places for vacations. I just like sacred space. I like place that's put together. I don't like it chaotic. I don't like it disorganized. I don't like it disheveled.
20:11 I apologize for all of this. I'm very high maintenance. I always say we're drama queens. She's a queen of all the drama. But for me space is really, really important because in a
20:23 chaotic environment I have a hard time relaxing. Are you like that or are you okay in chaos?
20:28 I'm okay in chaos.
20:29 That's why I'm still Which
20:30 got me through 5 kids. But yeah, there's a time and place and space that we need to reserve for that marriage area.
20:38 So we're going to give you 1 discussion question as a couple. There are more in the study guide. But just 1 discussion question. And this is in a private conversation. So you're not involving your kids or your
20:50 extended family or anybody else. And turn your phones off. Make eye contact. Right? Be dialoguing. Share, number 1, your past favorite memories. It could be, we just went for
21:02 a walk, or we had a picnic, or we went for a hike. It doesn't have to be a big thing. It was just something about that day, that weather, that place being together, that became Enghetti for us. That's just a sacred time
21:14 and space that I carry in my heart.
21:17 And ask why each other liked that memory, because that's a window into what other things they might enjoy. And it gives you ideas for what you can plan for future.
21:26 Absolutely. And then, and sexual experiences together. She's talking about something that she's really looking forward to once they're married. What are the places
21:38 that you have been that were like Aunt Gedi? And what are the times that you've been sexually intimate that are your favorite memories? So rather than starting with criticism, here's what I wish we were doing. Start with
21:48 encouragement. Here's like the best day of my life where we did that and that was incredible and that was amazing and encourage and thank 1 another and then share so it's in Getty, place you
22:00 were, sexual experience, 1 of your favorite or some of your favorite memories. And if it gets to the point where your spouse is blushing and uncomfortable, you're probably doing good. And then lastly, what are you
22:11 looking forward to in the future? Where would you like to go? And what would you like to do? Is there something I always like I always ask you, honey, what's in your heart? Where do you want to go? What do you want to
22:20 do? I'm trying to figure out what your dreams are, because I want to make those dreams come true. And we'll give that to as your assignment.
22:27 And if you have a hard time discussing those things, then talk about ways that you can help that healing process so that you can get to those conversations in the future.
22:38 And stop and just pray for each other. Yep. So why don't you pray for them?
22:41 Okay. Dear Lord, thank you so much for the picture of Ein Gedi. Thank you that ultimately heaven is an oasis for us to love and enjoy each other and be with you. But
22:53 Lord, as we are here together as spouses, I just pray that we would desire to set up spaces for that sacred marriage space
23:05 that would be enjoyable, that would feel safe. Lord, just help us to be creative and not get stuck in ruts. And if we are stuck in a rut, help us to pray through that, talk through
23:17 that, dream through that about what can look different and be pleasurable on the other side. In Jesus' name, amen.
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