Skip to content How Does Love Survive in 2024?! May 7 · 31 min ...more
How Does Love Survive in 2024?!
May 7, 2024 · 31 min
How do you have a healthy, God-honoring love life in 2024?! Join us for a special Real Romance Q&A with Sean Feucht & his wife Kate.Follow on social media!YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/MarkDriscollMinistries?sub_confirmation=1Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pastormarkInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/markdriscollTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pastormarkdriscollTwitter: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll Click here for more resources: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll
Series Real Marriage with Mark & Grace Driscoll May 7, 2024 · 31 min · Real Marriage with Mark & Grace Driscoll
How do you have a healthy, God-honoring love life in 2024?! Join us for a special Real Romance Q&A with Sean Feucht & his wife Kate.Follow on social media!YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/MarkDriscollMinistries?sub_confirmation=1Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pastormarkInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/markdriscollTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pastormarkdriscollTwitter: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll Click here for more resources: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll ...more Show the full description Show less How do you have a healthy, God-honoring love life in 2024?! Join us for a special Real Romance Q&A with Sean Feucht & his wife Kate.Follow on social media!YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/MarkDriscollMinistries?sub_confirmation=1Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pastormarkInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/markdriscollTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pastormarkdriscollTwitter: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll Click here for more resources: https://linktr.ee/markdriscoll
Series Real Marriage with Mark & Grace Driscoll
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With Pastor Mark, it’s all about Jesus! He is a spiritual leader, prolific author, and compelling speaker, but at his core, he is a family man. Mark and his
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0:01 Pastor Mark here saying thanks for joining me for my podcast. I have been doing this for a very, very, very long time. I got my cancel card out of the way about a decade ago, which is great.0:12 It's like puberty. You just wanna get through it and move on into adulthood. So now, I have the great joy of preaching the bible and triggering progressive Christians who need someone to agitate them. Thank you0:24 for joining me and supporting our ministry, and I'd love to get a free gift to you. So if you do this, I'll I'll get a free book to you. Number 1, leave a 5 star review. Everybody else only leaves a 1 star and I need0:35 some help. In addition, review it, share it, send it to your friends, send it to your enemies, send it to your woke family. And if you text me to 9 9 3 8 3, that's 9 9 3 8 3 with the word0:46 podcast, I'll send you a free book. So could you guys thank Shana Kate for joining us? Thank you guys for coming out. And you left your beautiful kids and you've got a wonderful family. We0:58 love you guys. You've been here many times. We appreciate you. Beautiful family. And I wanted to show a photo and then ask a question, and I want you to answer. Okay? So show the photo, please. This was your wedding1:10 photo. Are you ready? Okay. Here's the first question.1:15 The last time you had a haircut.1:18 I was gonna ask. Thank you. So tell us the story. How did you guys meet? Just background on your relationship.1:23 We met in youth group, worship leader over here. And actually, it's funny. We were friends and I I was so naive. I had no idea that he was like pursuing me because I was
1:35 like, you know, 16 years old and we were friends and he would start showing up my games, my volleyball games. And then all of a sudden, 1 day at a volleyball game, my coach was like, Kate, we need to have you come over
1:46 here. You need to tell your boyfriend he's never allowed to come here. I'm like, boyfriend? He got kicked off because he was driving the the go karts around the the the golf carts around the property of
1:58 this private school I was playing at. So that's how we started our relationship. The rebel over here. But, yeah, we started dating at 16 and wow, we have grown
2:10 up together. That is the perfect way to say it.
2:12 How old were you guys when you got married?
2:14 20. I mean, it's how old we were babies. You were 22? Yeah.
2:20 And how long have you guys been married for now?
2:24 18. Coming up on 18 years.
2:26 No. Coming up on 19. 19. Well, we just celebrated 18.
2:31 Just celebrated 18.
2:34 That's really funny to tell people when we're out to dinner, our waiters. They're like, so what are you doing celebrating our anniversary? Like, oh, yeah. How long? We're like 18 years. And they're like, what?
2:47 Because people get married at like 40 now.
2:49 Yeah.
2:50 Which is great. Marriage is mean So
2:52 tell us about the kids real quick, the family.
2:54 Well, I'm sorry.
2:55 Tell us about the kids, the family real quick.
2:57 We have 4 kids. We have 1 girl who's 13, Katura, and then 3 boys that just it's rowdy. It's wild. It's fun. I grew up with 3 sisters. I was the only boy. She grew
3:09 up with 3 sisters, all girls. So the Lord is bringing back the testosterone in our lineage. Yeah. And and it's a great thing.
3:20 Yeah. I'm living out his childhood dreams of just having, like, boys everywhere. That which is great. It's we're never bored.
3:27 It's great. You guys willing to answer some questions we took from the Internet?
3:30 Let's do
3:31 I don't know what they're gonna be. They're gonna be good or bad, but they'll be up in a minute. So, Grayson, you wanna read them and ask the first 1?
3:36 Sure. Should you text or be friends with people of the opposite sex if you're married?
3:41 No. No. Why? Like, just always be above approach, right?
3:53 Reproach. Reproach. Reproach, yes. I know that when we first got married and we were in ministry and we had interns and different people, and he'd be, like, texting them just to get things done or whatever, and I'm like,
4:05 you can't do that. Like, we we were trying to figure out boundaries, and he was so confused. He's like, but she's a really great person. She's really nice. She loves the Lord.
4:12 I'm Yeah. That's the problem.
4:13 Yeah. Exactly. I'm not worried about you with weirdos. That's not a worry. So we definitely set up some big boundaries.
4:25 It's a great boundary to have. I'm married. I totally agree.
4:27 Mhmm. So what do guys I mean, you're on social media a lot. You tour a lot. You're on the like, how many times a year are you on the road doing worship events at state capitals? I mean, how much are you guys just out and
4:39 about?
4:40 Yeah, I mean, it's always been a big part of our life, and a big part of our ministry is is going, and whether it's, you know, nations or the Middle East around the world or or here domestically. And the
4:51 seasons of her coming or the kids coming have kind of fluctuated. Of course, during COVID, when everything was shut down, we just rolled as a family, everywhere. And so we still do that to some degree. But yeah, there is
5:02 a lot of times where we're separated and times where part of them are with me or some of them are with me or none of them are with me.
5:10 So what do you guys do? Like wise counsel, just here's some good habits just to maintain healthy values?
5:15 Yeah, I really love, and just interjecting my own personal advice in this, there's a book called The Leadership Secrets of Billy Graham, And 1 of the things that people
5:26 always were They thought Billy Graham was so religious because he would never get in an elevator alone with a woman. He would never He would go into a hotel room. He would make them take the TV out of
5:38 his hotel room before he got in there. He did all these things that people thought in his day were very religious and over the top, but yet he came out of it with no scandal. And that's his legacy as opposed
5:50 to, I could mention the names, in his day. And so I just think that's a very great way. I travel a lot with my team. There's a guy that I We stay
6:02 in a hotel room together. He unfortunately snores a lot. But I mean, we always know where each other are. We're always keeping tabs on each other, and we just we don't play games with that kind of stuff.
6:14 Yeah. Even with social media. Like, people in your life have access to your social media.
6:20 So do you think your spouse should have access to your social media or somebody on your team?
6:24 Yes. I do. Because it's just accountability.
6:28 Yeah.
6:28 You know, it's safety.
6:29 I think Have you guys ever
6:30 seen It's not because you're scared. It's not out of fear.
6:32 Have you guys ever seen those videos of, like, where the guy walks up on the street, hey. Let me see your wife's phone. Let me see your husband's phone, and they scroll through it? Like, have you seen those? No.
6:42 Unbelievable.
6:43 People get all, like
6:45 And and, yeah, the spouses get, What are gonna look at? And then the guy finds a text thread that the husband doesn't know about. It's crazy. So I think, I tell my wife all the time, You can check anything or look at
6:56 anything or my search history or whatever. I'm an open book. And I think it's so important to have that as a couple. That's 1 of my encouragements, whether it's social media or texting or emails or whatever.
7:09 And of course, with your devices all synced up, anything could pop up anywhere. But for us, that's good. We like to know what's going on. We like to be
7:21 vulnerable, and we have nothing to hide.
7:23 Amen. Why don't you do the next 1, baby? Unless there's something you want to add?
7:28 Oh, that was good. What do I do if my spouse has a pornography addiction?
7:38 Feel free.
7:41 You're up. Your turn.
7:46 Oh, jeez. So so what's interesting is this started as largely a men's issue, and now it's also become a women's issue. And so a lot of people are
7:58 struggling with it, you know, categorically. I would say, first and foremost, if you know that your husband has a struggle and a problem, as devastating and difficult as that is, at least you know.
8:10 There's a whole bunch of people, they don't know what's wrong in their marriage, they don't know why their spouse is distant, they don't know why it's not working, and they don't know that this is the root problem and
8:19 issue. So at least you know. And as hard as it is to know, it's better than not knowing. And I would say this is the epidemic of a generation. It is. And what we've done is they found that brain science has
8:31 discovered that you create neural pathways in your brain toward dopamine and pleasure centers. And 1 of the shortcuts is pornography, especially for men. And so as we're handing screens to younger and
8:43 younger men, and they're scrolling and watching for longer and longer durations, we're just creating generations of addicts. And so it really is a crisis, and it's a generational problem. And so
8:55 I think to be fair, we all should give some recommendation for what to do on this so I'm not shouldering the load. But the first thing that I would say is I would encourage your spouse. Well, of all, would be in a good,
9:07 healthy, loving, supportive church community that was not religious. Right. Religious people wanna beat you down. God's people wanna build you
9:15 up. Right.
9:16 And what you get sometimes in a religious environment is everybody's pretending like they're fine. And if you're the 1 who says you're not, then they align to really attack you. So you want to be in a grace centered,
9:27 loving, helpful place for you and your family. And then you want to really consider who you're going to welcome into that conversation. You want to tell a lot of people. You don't want to tag in your family. You
9:39 don't want to tag in social media. But it's the husband and the wife agreeing, okay, the wife, who are you gonna talk to? For the husband, who are you gonna talk to? We keep that as a close circle. We don't involve
9:51 everyone, and then we choose trustworthy people that we can talk to and pray with and process with and walk the process with. And so church and a handful of healthy people would be where I'd start. What
10:03 would you add?
10:04 Can I get
10:05 a book here as well? I
10:07 would say Every Man's Battle and the Conquer series are both good recommendations for that. Again, that's oftentimes done in the church, but they also have conferences, but they pair you up with
10:18 accountability groups because honestly, with any addiction, you need accountability around you. And if you're wanting to change, that's just what has to happen. And so,
10:30 it's good, like you said, if you know already that your spouse is struggling with that, but the next step is to mutually agree how to get help and then to walk that process
10:41 together. With any addiction, you don't want to be alone in it, and you don't want to be shamed for it. If you're coming clean, you want to be encouraged to continue to walk in the light and not in the darkness. And
10:53 so it's going to be a battleground for the enemy, for sure. He's going to want to come in and try and divide you in every way, but if you're really wanting to change in this area, there is hope and there is resources,
11:05 but you need to do it in a healthy community.
11:08 And would you recommend Counterfeit Climax by Dave and Ashley Willis, our friends?
11:13 That can help with the underlying issues of intimacy. Yeah, for sure. That's a great book. It doesn't necessarily deal He talks about pornography, but it's
11:25 not necessarily tackling just that topic, but it deals with the underlying issues of intimacy.
11:31 I would just add, and this is kind of more of a sobering thing, but I think it's important for men, those, especially men with kids. I think the
11:43 studies are showing now 80 percent of kids even 7 years old have been exposed to pornography. And there's a reason why the tech overlords don't even have their kids on the apps that they
11:54 made. Right? So just Our kids, we don't do social media with our kids. Our kids don't have social media. But I think more importantly, from a
12:06 spiritual perspective, as a husband, when you cannot get free of that, every time that you succumb to that temptation, you are opening a spiritual door of perversion to your home.
12:19 I know that sounds really intense, but it's true. And we're the spiritual head of our home. And so it's your job as a man to close those doors. And that spirit doesn't just wanna
12:30 take you out. It wants to take your children out. It wants to get in their dreams. It wants to mess up their sexual identity. And so that's my encouragement. Feel the urgency to get free from
12:42 that so that you can do it not just for your sake, but for your whole family.
12:46 So good. I should be happy. Thank you. I I think everything that you guys shared is so good. I think for as
12:58 a wife, I would just highly encourage you to take, yourself out of the situation. Obviously, you can walk through your healing with your the the special people in your life, but it is not
13:09 because you're not beautiful or you're not pretty enough or you're not good enough or you're not meeting needs. It's so much deeper, as you were saying, and what people have done with their brains. It has nothing to do.
13:21 So I've seen it actually take out a marriage and take out friends of mine that has destroyed their sense of self and their security and everything. It is so much deeper. And
13:33 so it really allows you I've walked through this situation with people where I've seen them go, No, you're a child of God, and fight for their husbands instead of take it on them
13:44 like, You're doing this to me. You've You know, which it is very hurtful. I'm not saying that. I think that you should get your own counseling separately as well, but
13:56 to really fight for your marriage, fight for your husband or your wife, truly.
14:04 Yeah. Pastor Mark here. Special, special, special, series of conversations with my wife, Grace. We've been married faithfully 31 years. And, in a series
14:16 right now, leaving Cleve on family systems and how to architect your immediate and extended family to bless your marriage and children for generations. It's basically what to do and
14:28 what not to do. In addition to the sermons, you can find it real faith dot com slash cleave. I've got a special 4 part series with my wife, Grace, where we talk about this very
14:40 practically and share from our own marriage and experience. And so I really hope you enjoy it. And again, you can find all the content including the workbook along with the sermons, real
14:52 faith dot com slash cleave, c l e a v e. How about the next 1, baby?
15:03 My mother-in-law posted publicly how toxic I am. What a lovely mother-in-law. Is there any recovery from this?
15:15 Thankfully, you you mom and I are good. I love your mom.
15:20 So I would suggest a very strong boundary there.
15:23 I would say. Leaving cleave,
15:25 maybe leaving When you meet a guy, he's like, hey, what's your mom's name? Jezebel. You may be like, I gotta rethink my old date situation. So we'll go to you. You, you could take this 1. This seems more
15:36 I just said leave and cleave, baby. I think it's a very unique situation. This is something that I wasn't I felt like I wasn't really counseled in or
15:48 given a whole lot of My parents were They're awesome, but it was like '80s and '90s, baby. Just, yeah, you'll be awesome. You'll figure it out.
15:57 High 5.
15:58 Go get High 5. But you really are, there's a sense that you're marrying into this family, and there's a lot of dynamics at play. And it's not always the healthiest
16:10 at times, and most families aren't. And so I think my encouragement is I think there's a lot of boundaries that need to be drawn. And I took Kate to the other coast
16:22 of America, so that helped a little bit with some boundaries. But why don't you share a little bit on that?
16:29 Well, what do you think, Kate, about anybody that's in the extended family that starts posting private, personal details about other members of the extended family online.
16:41 That takes a courageous conversation. Really, it takes, hey, right away, getting on that phone, getting with your family member and just saying, This is not okay. You've crossed
16:53 a line and really standing up for your marriage. I know that we've dealt with that getting married at 20 and having to earn respect for our family. He is my husband and we
17:04 can't talk. I can't have this conversation.
17:07 And she was the oldest in her family and kind of helped the family. And so we were the first to get married on either side. So there was way more speculation
17:18 and intensity and criticism over how we were gonna do Yeah,
17:23 never online. That's
17:25 Yeah, the online part's messed up.
17:26 Yeah, that's
17:27 So
17:29 Grace, if there is a hard, like I say, courageous conversation to have, so who should have it depending upon the side of the family?
17:37 The person that the parent the child of the parent that's doing the mother-in-law that's doing that. So, like So if your mom was doing that about me, you should have the conversation with your
17:49 mom. You're setting
17:49 the up. First, I should have the conversation with my dad. But I love my mom and dad. They're great. They would never do this. But before I dialed up my mom, I would dial up my dad.
18:00 Yeah, Exactly. And say,
18:01 hey, Ahab, talk to mom.
18:05 Yes.
18:09 Mean, that's not that's not okay. And the fact that she is, you know, speculating this scenario, the fact that she thinks it's okay and
18:21 actually is doing it is mind blowing. Like, talk to each other.
18:27 How about that? Yeah.
18:28 You know? Or don't.
18:31 I mean if
18:32 really have a problem, then try talking to each other or talking to the husband. But yeah, to go and attack because it's really just her opinion and they're married. And as a
18:44 mother-in-law, your role is to encourage godliness in the marriage of your kid and in law. And so for her to do the opposite and cause division is
18:55 totally ungodly. And so for me, when our kids are, I wanna encourage our son in laws and our daughter in laws. I want them to know that we love them and care about them and
19:07 I don't wanna overstep. And so I'll ask questions if I you have the freedom to talk to me. If I've, you know, overstep in a conversation, please tell me, I'll back away. We are we try and be way more open
19:19 and honest about that.
19:20 Well, we've got, 2 daughter in laws and a son-in-law. And if we did this, they would rightly cut us off.
19:28 Oh, they would totally cut us off.
19:30 And within that, they would have to to secure health for their own marriage and family, where we wouldn't be giving them any choice. And there's a big difference between secrecy and privacy.
19:41 Secrecy is we're doing something really bad and we're trying to hide it. Privacy is like, it's just not your business. And if there's an interpersonal conflict within an extended family, and you post it on the internet,
19:52 you're like, that is a complete violation of privacy. And then what those people do, they like to pretend that they're victims, and we live in a victim culture. Like, oh, here's what they said, here's what they did, and
20:03 you find all the bitter people online that have that same sort of dysfunction and brokenness, and then they align together as some sort of counterfeit support group to weaponize the pain and cause evil. And
20:15 this is how a lot of groups are actually formed in fashion online. It's broken, hurting people just encouraging the worst in 1 another. It's a really tragic thing.
20:24 You can avoid some of this by setting up boundaries before you get married or when you're newly married so that you're ready for those, and you can say, no, we said that we weren't going to allow
20:36 that, So you're stepping over that line, and I'm sorry, and we love you, but that's just that's not going to be permitted.
20:42 How about the next 1? Will people post about us on the Internet?
20:46 How do I encourage my husband to be a better leader at home than he is at work? I
20:56 think that I actually just saw a comedian post this morning. It's super funny, but he was like, when a dad comes home, he's like the backup quarterback that comes in and he just kind of does his thing and everyone
21:08 waits for the real guy to come in. And I thought, that's awful. That is just the worst thing that everyone's laughing at this because that couldn't be more wrong. I think that if you're wanting your
21:19 husband to be a better leader, it's just like making room for him and not micromanaging everything. If he's not going to do whatever as good as you might think, like, just give him the space and let him be a dad. He's
21:31 supposed to have a different role and a different experience for the kids. And I know that when I put my kids to sleep, it's quiet and it's nice and wonderful and we they're so cute.
21:43 And when I'm like, hey, can you put them to bed? It's loud and they're wrestling and screaming and someone ends up crying and I'm annoyed, but it's beautiful and
21:55 and probably needed and healthy. And I have to tell myself that when I'm scrubbing the dishes downstairs. But I I I do think you just need to leave room to let him be
22:07 a leader, because so many women will take up all the space. And
22:13 there's personality differences, and so there's some guys that they're more of a laid back personality, and maybe the wife is more high strung or whatever.
22:24 Be
22:25 a better leader,
22:25 be a better leader. Well, get out of the way. Give him some room, you know? And I think that that, what you're saying, I think, is really helpful. And I think that that space, let
22:37 him step into that space and give him room, then don't criticize every little thing he does that
22:44 That's different.
22:45 The boys need to get roughed up a little bit, and it's good for them.
22:51 So just to clarify, you're not like assaulting your daughter
22:54 No. No. No. No. No. Sorry. Yeah.
22:56 Yeah.
22:56 This is all like fun and games.
22:58 Yeah. I got 3 boys, you know, so we we we have some competitions before bed and it can get a little crazy.
23:09 Always good to want be successful. Bedtime. Yeah. Yeah. I think encouragement is huge too. Like, so often, we can want change and we'll do that through criticism.
23:21 So if you want your spouse to step up, encourage it, call it out in the best way instead of criticizing.
23:30 Yeah, men want to be respected, women want to be loved. That's what the Bible commands us to do because that's the harder thing to do for each of us. So we have to work at being respectful and when we respect them, they
23:42 will rise up and they will lead better. There's a really great book called The Flirtation Experiment, and it talks about how to flirt with your spouse again and
23:54 have Right,
23:55 Sean?
23:56 2 or 3 witnesses In the relationship so that then it's not just all working at the relationship. We forget sometimes how to just have fun and be friends. And so it might just be a matter
24:08 of just taking yourself more lightly and not, like she said, criticizing everything they're doing because honestly, they're not going to want to step up and lead if everything they do is getting criticized. No, you got
24:20 to do it that way. No, that's not right. I mean, that's not really encouraging them to lead and so maybe that's not what you're doing. But maybe there just needs to be more fun in your marriage. Maybe there needs to be
24:30 just, Hey, is there something I'm doing that keeps you or pulls you back from wanting to lead? Ask the honest question.
24:40 Maybe you need to remember that you like each other. I mean, that's different than love, which is good. Have dates, have fun.
24:51 Remember how much you liked each other, not just parental roles.
24:57 Exactly.
24:57 What I would say for a man, you want your husband to go up, you can't push him up through nagging, but other men can pull him up through coaching. And so a lot of guys, they
25:09 didn't have a dad, or they didn't have a good or a present or an active dad. So they're like, Okay, I know that God says I need to be active and present and a leader of my family, but practically, I've never seen that. I
25:20 don't know what that looks like. And maybe the woman, she grew up in a different home, and so she has a different experience, and she has different expectations. The key then is this is where men need to be in
25:31 church, and statistically, if men are in church and they start to build friendships with other men in church, those men will pull them up. The guys that are a little more assertive, they'll pull the passive guys up. The
25:43 guys that are a little more timid, the courageous guys will pull them up. And so, part of it is just, this will sound offensive, but it's helpful. And most churches are
25:55 built for women and children, they're not built for men, And so what happened after the world wars, the men all went to war, and then the churches were just filled with women and children and older men.Show more
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