Skip to content How to Nourish Mental Health in Your Family with Debra Fileta Nov 12 · 45 min ...more
How to Nourish Mental Health in Your Family with Debra Fileta
November 12, 2026 · 45 min
Licensed counselor Debra Fileta offers practical, biblical advice for assessing your mental, physical, and spiritual health. Helping you walk toward healing and wholeness for the entire family!
Series Pray TV November 12, 2026 · 45 min · Pray TV
Licensed counselor Debra Fileta offers practical, biblical advice for assessing your mental, physical, and spiritual health. Helping you walk toward healing and wholeness for the entire family! ...more Show the full description Show less Licensed counselor Debra Fileta offers practical, biblical advice for assessing your mental, physical, and spiritual health. Helping you walk toward healing and wholeness for the entire family!
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In this video 0:00 Understanding Emotional Health6:07 Jesus Wept: Emotions and Connection17:00 Identifying and Responding to Triggers23:00 Building Emotional Connection in Families28:30 Helping Children Navigate Emotions
Understanding Emotional Health 0:04 I often say that it's our trauma that we're living out of rather than God's truth. And I think part of the journey of emotional health for us as adults is to learn to0:15 replace what we're believing from trauma and swap it out for God's truth.0:21 Wow.0:26 Deborah,0:29 welcome back. It's always good to have you.0:31 So good to be back with the two of you.0:33 Oh, it's good to have you back, and people do connect with you. You've done a wonderful job in your profession of counselor. But, you know, one of the things, so many Christians, we tend to not want to lean0:45 into the design, and we are suspect of psychology. And there are... There's egregious things in psychology. But when you blend it with God's nature and how God has formed the human body, the0:57 human mind, emotions come from him, these are his things.1:00 Right?1:02 It it makes it so much easier to understand, I think, as a layperson that reads literature on psychology, etcetera. Going through it as a PhD, is that what you have found as well? I mean, it must be good1:14
1:19 Yeah. It's amazing because God designed emotions. And I think sometimes in Christian culture in particular, we say faith over feelings or faith
1:30 versus feelings. But really, feelings are the SOS system that God gave us and wants to use feelings to tell us, pay attention,
1:42 pay attention. There's something here that I want you to pay attention to. So when we take feelings and when we combine them with God's truth, it takes us to a a new level of health.
1:54 You have a story that we've touched on before, and we'll kick it off here in the book, about your college car. Now Oh, yeah. It's kinda funny. I hadn't thought about Jesus driving a car that acted like yours. He could
2:05 probably wave his hand and take care of this, but this car sounded like it was freakishly had a mind of its own.
2:11 It did.
2:11 What happened with
2:12 this car? Wild lemon of a car in college, and it was constantly breaking down. It was constantly, like, doing the craziest things. The alarm would go off. The windshield wipers would
2:24 just start to wipe out of nowhere. The locks wouldn't work. One time I went in to try to unlock the car, put the key in the car, because this was back in the day where you had to use a key. Yeah. And the whole lock
2:35 cylinder came out on my key. So it was one of those things. And I could have dealt with those symptoms in a superficial way. I could have taken off the
2:47 windshield wipers. I could have muffled the alarm. I could have taped up the windows that kept rolling down.
2:54 How do windows goin' up and down?
2:55 They're goin' up and down, up and down. And and sometimes while I was driving, this would happen. I could have dealt with those things superficially, but it wasn't getting to the root of the problem until I took
3:07 it to the mechanic and he said, hey, there's some wires crossed here. A friend of mine had tried to help me install a stereo system, crossed the wires, and it was a whole mess. And I think oftentimes in
3:19 our lives, we've got these things going on above the surface. We've got relationship issues. We've got anger issues. We've got addictions. We've got struggles. And we try to deal with it superficially
3:31 instead of getting to the root. We try to tape it. We try to to muffle it. We try to do things externally, but we're not getting to the root of what's really going on underneath the surface Yeah. Where the
3:43 wires have been crossed to say. And when we begin to do that, to me, that is the the whole concept of emotional health is getting underneath the surface and inviting God to reveal what
3:55 he wants to heal.
3:56 You know, I'm so impressed with the way scripture gives us metaphors. And like that, the car metaphor, same kind of modern day scripture analysis, I think. You have a great formula for understanding emotional health.
4:08 You say that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all connected. I think we understand that or implicitly get that. But what's the distinction between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors?
4:20 How do they all interact and work together?
4:22 Yeah. If you want to go on a journey of becoming healthy, keep that formula in your mind. And I find that it's easiest to focus on the feeling first because oftentimes that's what
4:34 we notice first. I'm feeling anxious. I'm feeling worried. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling insecure. When a feeling starts to come up and it's exaggerated or overwhelming,
4:46 that's a great time to stop and think, what might be the underlying belief system here? Because when you look at that formula, thoughts lead to feelings which lead to behaviors. Behind
4:58 those feelings, there's a thought process that's so automatic. You don't even realize you're thinking those thoughts. Sometimes there are thoughts you've been thinking from childhood. They're thought patterns.
5:10 I'm not good enough. I'll never do anything right. If those are some of your underlying thoughts, you're going to feel insecure. And when you feel insecure, it's gonna affect what you do. So
5:22 thoughts lead to feelings which lead to behaviors and oftentimes, the easiest place for us as human beings to begin looking is when you see a big feeling come up. And that's why these conversations are so important
5:33 because when we talk about emotional health in the family, you cannot teach your kids emotional health until you've started grasping
5:45 it for yourself. Research shows us that the number one way that we teach our children anything is through modeling. Not through our words, our lessons. Our lessons are great.
5:57 But what really matters is modeling that behavior. So, when we're able to to grasp some of these things, it makes such a difference in how we show our kids how to be emotionally healthy.
Jesus Wept: Emotions and Connection
6:09 You know, the scripture says take your thoughts captive. So it doesn't say you're not going to have these thoughts. It's what you do with them
6:16 Right.
6:16 To take them captive. And then hopefully that restrains bad behavior, poor behavior, bad feelings, etcetera. You know, Deborah, I don't think you cover this in the book, so
6:28 this is extra credit in terms of the question. But when you look at social media, if you do, I mean, just to be acquainted and to be knowledgeable, I'm scrolling through YouTube, and I kinda get rid of TikTok because
6:40 that was not happening for me. But scrolling through there, you see the most bizarre behavior. I mean, it's exactly the negative of what you're talking about. It's like unfiltered thought leading to
6:52 expressions of behavior that you're going, oh my gosh. This woman's, like, thirty five. I would not let my twelve year old act like this. What about that modeling that we're seeing through social media and its
7:04 impact on thirteen, fourteen, fifteen year olds?
7:07 Honestly, that's why it's all the more important that we take the role of modeling seriously. Because when we're silent, when we're unintentional, when we're not
7:19 deliberate to model what we need to model to our families, someone else is modeling it on our behalf.
7:26 Someone will fill that void somewhere.
7:27 Someone is sinking into the silence. And so, you know, I see it as not just a responsibility, but a privilege to be able to learn it myself,
7:39 practice it myself, not perfect it, because we're not perfect, But to practice it in order to show my children this is what emotional health looks like. This is what it looks like when you're struggling with your
7:50 feelings. This is what it looks like to unpack some of those negative thoughts and align them with God's truth. Going back to that verse in Romans, another verse where it says, you know, do not conform to the patterns of
8:02 this world. Don't just do what everything everyone is telling you to do on social media. Do not conform to the patterns of this world. How? By the renewing of your mind.
8:12 Yeah.
8:12 Transform your mind. It begins with your mind because your thoughts lead to your feelings, and your feelings lead to your behaviors.
8:20 Yeah. That's really, really good. There are, you know, some occasional good examples that you'll see out there. You know, people handling stress or confrontation in a good way. I tend to pass those on to my boys and say,
8:31 Check out how this guy handled this road rager, and it's a good example. Far too much of the bad example, But there are even good clips of people being smart, you know, being right,
8:43 being diligent, maybe even being Christ like in how they respond to confrontation, which is always good too. You know, Jean and I, you may not know this, John. We watch a lot of Jeopardy.
8:54 Do you? So
8:54 I'm gonna put this in the form
8:56 of Jeopardy. These facts in your mind.
8:58 I just think I would know. We just sit there, and we even tape it. So we'll watch three or four episodes in a row. There you go. So can you. And I actually think Ken Jennings is far better than Alec Turbeck. Okay. But
9:08 you can write me or call me or text me if you disagree. But in that context, I'll frame this in the form of a question. What is the shortest scripture in the Bible? And you would say, what is Jesus wept?
9:20 That's my son's favorite verse because we have our kids memorize scripture on a regular basis.
9:25 And how does that show that emotional?
9:27 That's the best verse ever. It's only two words long.
9:30 And how does that show the emotional stability of Jesus that he could show that kind of...
9:34 I love that verse. And Jesus wept twice in scripture. Once when he looked on the city of Israel, of Jerusalem, and and he wept on their behalf. And then also
9:46 at the death of his friend Lazarus, he grieved even though he knew what he was about to do. He was about to raise him from the dead. Mhmm. But he still allowed himself
9:58 to feel the feelings of grief because feelings are God's gift to connect us to God and to others. If we don't have feelings, we don't have
10:10 a motivation to connect to people, to connect to God. Feelings, when done right in God's way, draw us to God and they draw us to others. And you know the verse after Jesus wept?
10:22 He looked up to heaven and He gave thanks to the Father. He took the feeling of grief. And instead of running to social media, running to alcohol, running to a
10:34 numbing device, he allowed himself to feel grief and then he ran to the father. And that's what emotions are meant to do. They're meant to draw us to God and to others.
10:44 Well, that... That's beautiful. What a great place to remind people. If you're struggling in some area of your life, we have great Christian counselors here at Focus on the Family that will arrange a phone call with you
10:54 and even refer you onto other counselors in your area. We keep a robust robust database of counselors, all around the country. Mhmm. They go through a pretty strenuous vetting process that we apply to them as well
11:06 to make sure that we feel good about those folks. And, that's all free. So just call us if you need help.
11:13 Yeah. We're a phone call away. It's eight hundred, the letter a, in the word family, and we'll also have further details about this focus on family network of Christian counselors, on our website. We'll link
11:25 to it in the description below.
11:27 You know, Deborah, I so appreciate that observation of Jesus. Obviously, somebody saw that. They wrote it down in scripture for us. Right?
11:34 Right.
11:34 In that context, stereotypically, men struggle with that kind of expression. We don't wanna we don't wanna be seen with tears rolling down our eyes. I know it's ridiculous. You're the counselor. And there are
11:46 probably some women that feel that way as well, like showing it is weakness, and you're saying no. It's actually connecting you to something deep inside. What are some of those warning signs that there is emotional
11:58 imbalance struggle? I I... Again, being a man, I can think only of my experience that we struggle with that to be able to recognize something's dysfunctional.
12:10 Yeah. You're right. A lot of people do struggle with this, and I think people assume it's a personality thing. Well, I'm just this way. I don't feel big emotions. But when you go
12:22 back into your history, especially if you go back into your history with a counselor, there's a good chance there have been things that you have been taught, things that you have believed about emotions,
12:35 experiences that you've been through that have taught you to mute your emotions, to turn them down a little bit. Sometimes trauma will do that to us. When you go through traumatic things, in order
12:47 to survive them, it's almost like your body naturally turns down that heightened emotion because it's too much.
12:54 Right.
12:54 The problem is if we don't ever go back and face some of those things, our emotions stay on mute. And some might say, well, what's wrong with your emotions staying on mute? It feels pretty good. But if
13:06 your sorrow is on mute, so is your joy. And and and so if you can't feel the negative feelings deeply, there's a good chance you're also struggling to feel the positive ones
13:18 deeply as well. And like I said a few minutes ago, God wants us to use those feelings to help us connect to others, to help us connect to him. Sometimes when
13:30 our feelings are muted, we struggle in relationships because people don't feel as connected to us, and they don't understand why. But oftentimes, it's that deficit in our ability to feel
13:42 our emotions.
13:42 Yeah. You know, again, another common stereotype. So I I get it. Don't be triggered if, you know, this is touching a nerve for you. But a lot of husbands and wives in the marital counseling that we do here, you know,
13:54 wives will feel like husbands are detached from their emotions. I'm trying to get to you Yeah. And you're just not present. And this can become one of the great problems in the relationship is the wife doesn't
14:05 feel intimate connection, and the husband's gonna, I don't even speak that language. What are you talking about? I do a good job providing. I I show up. I don't have affairs. I... You know, I'm a good
14:17 guy. And she's saying, yeah. But I want more of you. Right. Speak to both sides of that. How do you deliver as the husband, and how do you back off a little for the wife?
14:28 I love that you used the phrase, I don't speak that language, because I think what people need to understand is that part of this is a skill set. It's a language that you
14:39 learn. And maybe it's a language that you've never learned before, but it's a language that's going to help your relationships. It's a language that God himself spoke, Jesus himself speaks, and wants
14:51 us to learn. So when we see it that way, I think it's even more motivating. It's not just, oh, my wife just wants me to be more emotionally aware. It's God designed me to be more emotionally aware.
15:03 And, you know, we live in a culture that sort of dumbs it down for men, unfortunately. They they make men believe that they're not very emotional. They even
15:15 celebrate their lack of emotion, because because it's perceived as strength rather than insight and awareness. And so I think I'm grateful that the
15:27 narrative has started to change. I'm grateful. You know, I have three boys and a girl. And let me tell you from experience, they are just as emotional as her. It's just how we
15:39 parent them either draws that out and teaches them how to use those emotions in a healthy way, or it suppresses some of those things. So to the husband, there is a skill to be learned, and this
15:51 is an exciting journey because God wants to take you deeper.
15:54 This is what it means to work at your marriage for for good things. Right. You know, that you need to connect, and we gotta get out of our comfort zone, and we gotta stretch ourselves a little bit. So,
16:06 again, it could be the wife that's in that spot. But the point being is set your mind to doing better and learning that language. That's what you're saying, and I totally agree.
16:16 And for the wife, I wanna say this. Oftentimes, it's not a deficit of love. It's a deficit of skill.
16:24 But that's interpreted that way as a deficit of love.
16:26 So so to remind yourself, this isn't a deficit of love. He loves me. He just doesn't have this skill set, and we're gonna work together to grow, and and get there. So
16:38 I think just even telling yourself that can be really helpful.
16:42 Speaking of that, we're really touching on triggers. I mentioned that word a minute ago, and that could be kind of a buzzword, you know, for all of us. But what are triggers and what does an emotional trigger look like?
16:53 It's my favorite subject.... Have them. Right? We all have them.
16:55 Triggers are my favorite subject, and I think it's because I see so many of them in the counseling setting.
Identifying and Responding to Triggers
17:01 Are they predictable? No. I mean, do you see...
17:03 Not necessarily. Okay.
17:05 I wanna keep
17:05 going.... Necessarily know what's going to trigger someone because different people have different sore spots. So let me kind of explain how that works with this analogy. I was leaving the house with the kids and I
17:16 wasn't really paying attention. I was rushing. You know how it is. It's like an Olympic event trying to get the kids out of the house in time. And I hit my shoulder on the coat rack that was protruding out, and it hurt.
17:28 I was like, oh, that's gonna leave a bruise. And sure enough, there's a black and blue spot. There was a sore spot there later in the day. My husband comes home to give me a hug. Hi, honey. How was your day? And he
17:39 touches the sore spot without realizing that it was there. And I reacted, ow, that hurts, and and kinda pushed him away. He didn't cause the sore spot, but he
17:51 pushed on it. And to me, that's exactly what triggers our emotional triggers are these wounds that we carry from the past. And people push on them in
18:02 intimate, close relationships. If there's no intimacy in your life, and by intimacy, I mean close relationships with your children, with your spouse, with friends, with family, if there's nobody intimate and nearby,
18:13 they're not gonna push on your sore spots. You're gonna feel great. But when people start to come close in proximity, they push on those sore spots without even realizing it. Those wounds that we
18:25 carry of rejection, of insecurity, of pain. And when people push on them, that's when you see a big emotional reaction. I call it an exaggerated emotional
18:37 response. And remember we talked a little while ago about thoughts lead to feelings, lead to behaviors? The trigger is the feeling, the big feeling.
18:49 And so that's where God wants us to stop and do a little work.
18:53 I'm smiling because I think husbands call it the what? You just you say something.
18:59 Where did that come from?
19:00 Pretty benign. But she may react in this over aggressive response. And you're trying to figure out, what did I just say?
19:08 Now husbands do it too. Oh, I know. I know. I know.
19:10 But I... I'm only a husband. I can only feel it from that perspective.
19:14 But it's interesting. I I definitely see it in husbands and wives. For example, I was just working with this couple, and every time the wife asked him a question, like, well, are you gonna do that differently? Or are we
19:24 gonna go there? He almost felt like she was questioning, attacking him, saying, like, you're not good enough. You don't know enough. That's not what she was saying. She was just asking a question, and he would react in
19:36 anger. And and so it was like, what is the trigger underneath the surface here? What is the wounding? Yeah. And oftentimes, it's God revealing to us what he wants to heal. So when
19:48 you see a trigger in your life, when you see an over exaggerated response, you should stop. Our tendency is to say, well, she triggered me. He triggered me. My my husband triggered me. My wife triggered
20:00 me. My boss triggered me. But the question is, why was I triggered? What is God wanting to reveal that he wants to heal? What is the emotional sore spot here? That's where God can do
20:12 some really good work.
20:13 Well, it's a magnificent blind spot.
20:16 You're right.
20:16 Because it's hard for us with those triggers, with those wounds, to know in the moment the question, what's happening more deeply in
20:26 You're right.
20:26 That causes me to react that way.
20:28 And that's why it's important to review the film Yeah. To look for patterns
20:32 Yeah.
20:32 When you see these reactions of... Well, every time my wife asks me a question, I start to feel tense and anxious and upset. Well, okay. Let's review the film here. Just like, you know, in sports, they always review the
20:43 film. Like, what what could we have done differently? It's important for us to review the film in our own life as well, not just to move on blindly.
20:50 Would you say this is generally true, that a wife, a mom who has gone through childhood trauma of some sort, whatever it might be, emotional abuse, physical abuse, something,
21:02 they tend to have more excessive worry Absolutely. For obvious reasons.
21:08 Absolutely. And not only that, sometimes we think of big t trauma like abuse, neglect. Sometimes it's small traumas over a long period of time. For example, I think of the
21:19 woman who I worked with who took care of her ailing mother. Her mom was always sick. Her mom was struggling. There was always a diagnosis. There was cancer. There was so many different things. Over a period of time, you
21:31 don't think of that as a big t trauma. There was no abuse. There was a a a healthy Christian family. But the fact that there was always something there was always something that that could go wrong, Imagine what
21:43 that does to your nervous system. Absolutely. You're always waiting for the shoe to drop. And then you carry that with you through the rest of life. I often say that it's our trauma that we're living out of rather than
21:55 God's truth. And I think part of the journey of emotional health for us as adults is to learn to replace what we're believing from trauma and swap it out for God's
22:07 truth.
22:07 Wow. I think it was UCLA that you noted in the book came out with a a study that showed that couples spend about thirty five minutes a week in meaningful conversation. So what are
22:19 some of those things as a knowledgeable professional that you've done in your own family? For you and John, for example, to do the best you can do with that kind of intimate communication.
22:29 Yeah. So number one, it starts with us checking in with ourselves before God. Like, you have to have insight. You have to make space to check-in on your emotional world.
22:41 Number two is John and I connecting on that level. So every Sunday night, we have our check-in night. Nine PM, where where we sit and talk, We check-in. How are you
22:53 doing personally with with your personal life, your sins, your struggles? What have you been feeling? What is God teaching you? How are we doing in our marriage? We go deeper, and and we make it an intentionalShow more
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