Skip to content The Day I Finally Stopped Running - Jim Howle Nov 10 · 1 hr 17 min ...more
The Day I Finally Stopped Running - Jim Howle
November 10, 2026 · 1 hr 17 min
Series Pray TV November 10, 2026 · 1 hr 17 min · Pray TV
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The Roots of Brokenness and Early Exposure 0:00 At its core, Jeremiah, pornography, lust, all sexual sin is a cancer on all relationships. The stuff that first gave you that initial dopamine dopamine rush, that0:12 first initial high, over time, it takes deeper, darker stuff to get that and to duplicate that. Those of us who think that we can pack a u haul and move out of state or change the zip codes,0:24 and we'll leave our problems behind. But wherever I went, so would my problems, so would my addictions, so would my character flaws.0:34 Forty million with an m, not just men, but Christian men are looking at pornography every day. Am I am I understanding you correctly there?0:42 The most recent Barna report that came out suggests that that number has climbed. Sadly, it's estimated that half of most pastors0:54 are also struggling with pornography.0:56 A big part of where my heart is is for the young people right now because, you know, you mentioned back in the seventies how accessible pornography was and how bad it got for you then. I remember early nineties when I1:05 was starting my stuff out, Internet was nothing like... If I had had one of these cell phones twenty four seven access to stuff in my pocket, I mean, I I practically fried my brain on porn as it was.1:17 I can't even imagine what I... What it would have been like for me.1:20 You have to have skin in the game and you have to do the work of recovery, this lifestyle of recovery. It's not gonna fall on our lap. It's not gonna be a microwave experience. It's not gonna be a1:32 magic wand. I would tell anybody to reach out to Revive forty, attend a meeting, and be prepared for training just like some recruit would do if they went into the armed1:44 services. Because think about it. We have trained our brain in some cases for decades, and now we have to do the work and the training to fight God's battle with his word.1:56 Welcome to the Love and Truth Network podcast, your guide for hope and healing in a hurting world searching for truth. Here we explore God's extraordinary design for biblical sexuality, identity, and authentic community.2:08 You'll be impacted by incredible stories of transformation, practical wisdom from pastors and counselors, and the power of God's grace that changes lives.2:24 Well, hi there, everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Love and Truth Network podcast. I'm Jeremiah Shepherd. I'll be filling in for Gary Ingram this week. Gary is actually on a ministry trip back east and speaking2:34 engagements, speaking in churches, doing some ministry events over there. And also this year, a lot of private meetings with moms and dads, with family members. It's been a super busy time, so we're blessed that he's2:44 over there. So that's why I'm here this week. And before I introduce today's guest, I would just like to give a special shout out to all of our Love and Truth Network audience, Also, for all of you from Transforming2:53 Congregations, for the folks from pray dot com, YouTube, just everywhere. We wanna thank you for joining us week after week and being so faithful and for and for helping this program grow grow. So today's guest, it's3:04 really interesting how the Lord works sometimes. The the mistakes that we make are where we think that something could be beyond redemption or whatever, and that can often be the the the place where the Lord does his3:13 best work. And I think you're gonna hear that today with my friend, Jim Howell, who's joining us today for the Love and Truth Network podcast. So Jim, welcome. Thank you so much for joining us.3:22 It's a pleasure, Jeremiah. Thank you for this honor. I'm so grateful.3:26 No. We're we're thrilled to have you with us. So, I'm sure we're gonna have a lot to talk about but first, like we normally do, please share with our audience, just your your story. So there's gonna be a lot where we'll3:37 talk about the ministry work that you do and kind of where God's brought you. But Sure. Where did it all begin? Tell us a little bit about your life and kind of how how that all started.3:45 Yeah. Jeremiah, I call this the script because when I do share my testimony, particularly with men's groups, whether it's at Revive forty, whether it's,3:57 through a prison fellowship event, I have so many guys come up to me afterwards and say, Jim, you've lived my life. You've told my story. So for starters, I'm a4:09 classic profile of a young person who, had a father wound, a broken family. For an example, I have no recollection of my parents' marriage. I4:21 think they were separated and on the way, to divorce when I was probably three or four.4:27 Really? Wow.4:29 Yes. I recall the lady that my dad left my mom for and their marriage, their home. But again, no recollection of my4:41 parents' marriage and stuff. My mom was wife number two of four, actually. So, there's a little bit of a generational curse,4:53 with the men in my family of just, infidelity, lust, pornography use, acting out, sexual sin. So anyways,5:05 we were that latchkey blended family experience. My mother raised me and my older siblings. In about age eight and a half, nine,5:18 my dad re entered our lives. And for me, I had a vision of my dad of just who he was. I knew that he, was a successful athlete on the high school level. I had a chance to go,5:31 and play basketball and scholarship. Went from a small farm in West Texas to the university. And then it got into business as5:42 an entrepreneur. It did very well. But I think the lifestyle of an entrepreneur, loss of hours, pretty much drove, my mother's marriage to him just into the5:54 ground at all. And I remember this vividly. I was visiting my grandparents, looking through photo albums, and I ran across a photo of my dad. He was6:06 sitting on a curb. It's a young man next to another young lady. And I asked one of my aunts, Who is this young lady sitting next to my dad? And she said, Well, Jimmy, that's your dad's6:18 first wife. So again, a lot of family secrets. I didn't know this woman, never heard about her. My dad in that generation didn't talk about their problems.6:30 So when my dad reentered my life at around eight and a half, nine, I had a vision of what he was. I had expectations of what he would mean in my life, and he didn't meet6:42 him. At that time in his life, he was kinda going through a midlife crisis, had lost those businesses. Sadly and tragically, he had found his younger brother after his6:54 younger brother committed suicide, And I think that was his rock bottom, come to Jesus moment where he felt that he needed to be back in our lives. So we all moved in7:06 with him. Subsequently, he got remarried. I remember as a kid, even, after he got remarried, still praying that he would go back to my mom and our family would be reunited.7:18 So, you know, in my own family history, I'm dealing with a father wound as well as a broken family. And now I'm entering into a blended family environment. And that lasted about five to six7:30 years. It was pretty volatile, to say the least. Often, I asked my stepmom how she do it, you know, how did she take in,7:42 us kids plus her two daughters all under one roof. And she just said, I was bound and determined, just said, be strong and courageous in the Lord just to make this work. So7:54 she's kind of been the glue that's kept this family together. And, her and my dad were married almost fifty years when he passed away a couple of years ago at age eighty eight. So, anyways,8:07 at the time that I was a sophomore in high school, my dad elected to make another major move. And, I had been kind of spending the8:19 summer with him... Or excuse me. I'd been spending school year with him and the summers with my mom. And we were we were stable. Our family moved around a lot. My8:31 dad was chasing the next train, the next job. And, there was an event that happened to me between my fifth and sixth grade year. So I was staying with my mom for the summer. We8:43 were staying up super late. There was a family next to us where the grandparents were raising their grandkids. And Jeremiah, back in the seventies, that was highly unusual. Most families were still complete.8:55 And they were one of the first families to get cable television back in the seventies. That was a big deal. And I remember in my mother's old portable black and white television, I could move the,9:07 antenna around and pick up the movies that were being played next door to us, movies from HBO, Max, Showtime. And of course, the later in the9:19 evening you stayed up and watched television, the more graphic and the more inappropriate these movies were. So, eventually, I actually started hanging out at their house, stayed up late, watching movies.9:32 And one evening, I was propositioned by my friend's older sister. And nothing happened. I've gotten so nervous, so scared, I9:44 literally just ran. I fled. A little bit later in that summer, my friend also propositioned me and, he did x, y, and z to me and he asked me to do9:56 that to him. And so I've listened to Gary on podcasts and, he mentions that whenever we have our innocence breach at a very young10:08 age, we're never the same again. And that's a match scripture. In the song of Solomon, it says, don't awaken love before it's time. And I think we can apply that today, that,10:20 the world that we live in, the exposure that young people get, like the exposure that I got back in the seventies, I was way too young to handle that. And so that basically,10:34 set me on a very, how to phrase this, kind of a premature, fixation and interest in all things sexuality. Now when I10:46 do give my testimony, at this point, I always kinda give a qualifier. What happened to me as a kid, my father wound, my broken family, the kids next door,10:59 you can make the case that that was kind of age zero to ten. But after that, I have to take responsibility for what I did, as a sinner. So shortly after that,11:11 enter in pornography. And Jeremiah, back in the day with print pornography, you could find something, walking off from school. You could find something in an alley,11:24 you know, in a in a creek, at a park, trash cans. And, basically, I was the kid that had print pornography in my GI Joe box,11:36 underneath my bed. And I give that symbolism because at this time of my life, I should have been into comic book characters. I should have been into sports. I should have been into, you know,11:48 academics, band, something. But my life and my brain in particular had been hijacked, by just pornography and sexuality. And Jeremiah,12:00 I acted out, throughout my entire teenage years. So, my dad left for good, or at least during my high school12:12 years after my sophomore year, and he elected to go back to Arizona. We were living in Texas at the time, and I had a job. I had a pickup truck,12:23 and I have friends finally. And if I had a choice between my mother and all my friends, or going back with my dad to Arizona to a strange state, I just had him12:35 staying in Texas. So I basically had no authority figure in my life. Oh, yeah. My mom was a very loving, nurturing caretaker for me. I12:47 was the baby of the family. I do have a younger, seven and a half year old, younger half brother. And, but he came a little bit late. I knew that I was my12:59 mother's favorite. Of course, she told everybody that. But, you know, there was no authority figure in my life. And by the time I was in my junior and senior year, I was going to parties, on13:11 the weekends. I wasn't coming home. I'd come back... I'd come over the next morning, you know, drinking, of course, smoking pot.13:24 And it's interesting. I look back at that time in my life, and I think I was seeking something, something that I sought to find in my dad, something that I13:35 sought later, to find with friends, partying, pornography, of course. And I still felt this emptiness and this vacuum, you know, inside my13:47 heart. So about a year after high school, I joined a gym with a couple other friends that I was attending school with. I'd lost a bunch of weight.13:59 I got braces. My braces were taken off. I got contacts. And, I've always struggled with self perception, self esteem. And14:11 when I basically got to a point where I started getting attraction from other girls, I kinda went from that fantasy world of pornography to the real world14:23 and just pursuing girls. Jeremiah, that was not a good era in my life. I was a liar. I basically would tell whatever I14:35 needed to do and say in order to, basically get the girl. And so, in about six months' time, I lived a very mischievous life,14:49 you know, one night stands, fornication, weekend things. And I was at a bar in North Dallas. It was kind of basically for early twenty year olds, kinda college scene.15:02 And I saw a gentleman at the bar who was very, very drunk, and I remember him swaying and just kinda holding him up... Himself up, against the bar. And it's like in a moment of15:13 clarity, whether it was the holy spirit, my own conscious, which looking back now, I'm gonna go with the holy spirit. It was just a vision for me. It was almost as if the holy spirit said,15:25 if you don't change your ways, you're gonna end up just like this geiger. Wow. And so, I reached out to my dad. I came out for a visit. He took me to the Grand15:37 Canyon. It was stunning. I was just smitten by this state of Arizona. And I went back home and subsequently sold, my pickup truck.15:51 Kind of bid it due to all my friends, left my mother, which was very hard on her. And I actually went to Arizona. And Jeremiah, in the world of recovery,16:03 they call... They use this expression called zip code jumpers. Those of us who think that we can pack a U Haul and move out of state or change the zip codes, and we'll leave our problems behind.16:16 But wherever I went, so would my problems, so would my addictions, so would my character flaws. So I basically took my porn addiction to Arizona with me.16:27 That time was a lot more forward, a lot more progressive. I remember in Texas, kind of that Bible Belt, you kind of took the risk of going16:39 into a convenience store and buying something and having someone there see. But in Arizona, it was kind of in your face. It wasn't really hard work to seek out inappropriate material.16:51 So, my point of addiction actually got worse and deeper and darker. And I was going to, adult bookstores. Jeremiah, I would go up and down17:03 the aisles, and I would pee... Pull off... I would take off the VHS cover... The VH tape VHS tape and just look at the covers and stuff. And, and again,17:16 just that spiral, that sin demands, the stuff that first gave you that initial dopamine rush, that first initial high, over time, it17:28 takes deeper, darker stuff to get that and to duplicate that. Now about a year here in Arizona, I actually met a young lady, and she just graduated from college. I17:40 was going back to school at a local community college and we started dating. We met at church and, she said that she had been raised in the church. I said the same thing too. But I would say17:52 within four to six weeks, we were being, intimate, fornication. So, again, whenever I left in Texas, I18:03 brought with me to the state of Arizona. And so, lots of fornication as we dated. We actually got married two years into our relationship. And two years18:15 after that, we had our first baby together. In Jeremiah, there's a there's a lie that most men believe, something to the effect that we'll think getting married, will cure our porn addiction.18:28 We'll think that we'll have all the sex that we need, and we won't have to turn to something artificial, something fake, something toxic. And, of course, I didn't know that at this time. But Right.18:39 And that... So I'm not to interrupt you there, but that's that's a very important point. I've... You know, I made that mistake. Sounds like you did, and I've heard this over and over again. Well, okay. So I have this18:47 problem, but once I'm married, yeah, I can have all the sex I want to. And my... I love my wife, and it's just gonna magically go away. Not realizing that we are literally just dragging all that baggage. Now it's not18:57 just hanging off of ourselves but into this new relationship. And I don't know about your situation. I wanna ask in just a minute, but a lot of times these young brides, they have no idea that this young man that they19:07 just married has this going on at all. Maybe that's not always the case, but very often, they have this vision of who they think they're marrying and then later they find out about this addiction. And it it... It's so19:18 sad because we've seen this happen over and over and over again with young married couples. And And in this day and age it's not even just the men anymore. A lot of, unfortunately, a lot of women are starting to get19:27 addicted as well. Yeah. So like I said, I didn't mean to interrupt but I just thought it was important to really highlight that point especially for our listeners. For you young folks out there, if you're, you know, if19:36 you're struggling with this and you're thinking, well, but once I get married, though, every... This will all go away. It's it's it's not that simple. So, Jim, please continue because I thought you hit such an important19:46 point.19:46 Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. And, Jeremiah, I'll take that lie, that we just pretty much went through and processed with another lie, the lie that, oh, what my wife doesn't know won't hurt19:58 her. Oh, man. And so so I looked at pornography throughout that entire twenty year marriage. And it's interesting, Jeremiah, because you you made the point that a lot of young women20:10 don't realize the depth. First of all, they don't even realize maybe that their fiance is looking at pornography or has a problem with pornography. They may not even understand the depth of it.20:22 And, I had I had mentioned to my fiancee at that time in passing, that I felt I had a problem with that. And she actually just kinda shrugged her shoulders and said,20:34 well, you know, my dad used to keep playboys underneath his own bed, and she just kinda shrugged it off as just what men do. And, I think in some20:46 ways, the confession was more selfish in nature. It was kinda like, hey. This is really about me trying to feel better. Maybe I have an20:57 obligation just to tell you. But if I'm gonna get help or if I'm gonna try to quit this on my own, I'll tell you. But asking me to change and working21:09 towards change... And, Jeremiah, I wouldn't even know how at that time of my life, in my early twenties, early to mid twenties, what it took to change. So as I mentioned, I'm actually...... Around...21:20 When was this, like, late eighties, early nineties? What what time frame are we21:24 talking about here? We're talking late eighties, actually. So, Yeah.21:29 So ministries to help with struggling with this stuff. I'm sure... Surely they must have been around in some capacity, but I... For that time period, I I... It's not like it was talked about at church. It's not like it's21:39 something you can talk to your pastor about. Nothing like that.21:43 Jeremiah, I remember I attended a church that had a Sunday morning men's prayer meeting before church. And there was two men21:55 that came out and mentioned one guy had had had an affair. The other guy had been looking up pornography. But nothing in terms of a church or even a parachurch22:07 ministry like Celebrate Recovery, Revive forty, NA, SA. And so, I just went about my way. And I'll even22:18 say this. I think I had one counseling meeting with a pastor, And his best advice was, if I was ever to look at pornography, just imagine22:30 my own life of photos in this magazine. And I think he was trying to maybe just go at a angle of just, you know, would that revolt me to the point where I would stop22:42 looking at pornography? And sadly, it did not. Oh, gotcha. Just fast forwarding, my life was chaotic. You know, I22:54 mentioned how I moved from Texas to Arizona when we... When I first met, my fiancee. A couple years after we married, I moved back to Texas. AndShow more In this video 0:00 The Roots of Brokenness and Early Exposure23:00 The Lies That Fuel Addiction46:00 The Rock Bottom and Church Intervention1:05:00 Redemption, Marriage, and a Life of Recovery
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