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Why We all Struggle with Anger, Part 2
November 20, 2025 · 27 min
Your anger, instead of becoming your worst nightmare, can be your best friend. God wants to turn your anger into a tool that will serve you and help you like never before.
Series Overcoming Emotions that Destroy November 20, 2025 · 27 min · Overcoming Emotions that Destroy
Your anger, instead of becoming your worst nightmare, can be your best friend. God wants to turn your anger into a tool that will serve you and help you like never before. ...more Show the full description Show less Your anger, instead of becoming your worst nightmare, can be your best friend. God wants to turn your anger into a tool that will serve you and help you like never before.
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Chip Ingram is an American Christian pastor, author, and teacher. He is the founder, teaching pastor and CEO of Living on the Edge, an international teaching and discipleship ministry.
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Understanding Anger: The Iceberg Effect 0:01 Anger is a secondary emotion. Now what I mean by that is your problem is not anger. It's like an iceberg. Anger is the tip that reveals something deeper inside. Many people spend their0:13 whole life trying to overcome their anger. It never works because it's not the real issue. If you wanna learn what the real issue is, stay with me.0:26 Thanks for listening to this edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We are an international teaching and discipleship ministry that encourages and equips Christians to live like Christians. Well,0:38 in this program, we're picking up in our series overcoming emotions that destroy with the second half of Chip's message why we all struggle with anger. But before he gets going, to help you continue to get the most out0:50 of this series, let me encourage you to download Chip's message notes. They contain his outline, scripture references, and much more. You can get them by going to the broadcasts tab at living on the1:01 edge dot org, app listeners tab fill in notes. Alright. Without any further delay, here's Chip with the remainder of his insightful talk.1:11 Okay. Anger is a secondary emotion. We got it. It's an iceberg up here. Underneath, you have unmet needs, hurt. There's 2 more. The second, the second reason1:23 that we bolt to anger is frustration. Frustration is real or perceived unmet expectations. The distance between what you expect1:35 to happen and what really happens, if it's a little, we call it frustration. If you expect this to happen, and this is your experience, that's anger. If you expect this to happen,1:47 and this happens, you are super ticked off. A lot of your anger is built into expectations. And by the way, this comes as a surprise, people actually cannot read your1:59 mind. You have I mean, you have expectations, they're in your head that people don't know that they're there. You were raised in a certain way, and your expectation is things should be clean like2:10 this, you have expectations what people should do, what they shouldn't do, what they should say, what they should never say, how they should drive, how they should treat people, and they ought and should and always2:19 should never do certain things, and when people violate those, you get mad. And often you don't know even why you're mad. Proverbs 14 29, it says a patient man has2:31 great understanding but a quick tempered man displays folly. Anger is inseparably linked to our expectations. I can remember, a time I was in2:43 the Philippines, we were doing ministry and it was a basketball ministry and we were there for 3 weeks and we were out in the boonies. And I mean, like the most wonderful thing about every 3 days, you would go into a2:53 little room if they had it, it would be ice cold water and you got to pour it over your head with a bar of soap and you would get a bowl of rice. And we played 3 games a day. And it was, our it was our winter, so it was3:05 their summer. And so it was like 98 degrees, 101 percent humidity. I mean it was, you'd lose about 10, 12 pounds a day in sweat. And so then we got back to Manila and we're ready to head home and they had a coup. They3:16 have lots of coups in the Philippines and they shut down all the airlines, no 1 can leave the country. I I I said, no, no, you don't understand. I have a wife and 3 children, and they said, well maybe in 3 months we'll3:28 open this up. I said, you just really don't understand. I have to get back. And I mean we're praying and praying and praying and praying and praying, and the president or someone says, okay we're gonna let some of the3:39 people out of the country. We get on a crowded plane for 17 hours, no food, no bowl of rice, I'm the happiest person you've ever seen in your life. I love3:50 this. This is great. Can I help you serve, you know, the water that's warm to other passengers? I just wanna help stewardess. This is awesome, I love it. Okay? Picture number 1. Picture4:02 number 2, I'm with my family, and we, we're trying to save money. And so to save money, we had 1 of those, very non stop flights. And so we got4:14 on and it was on time and, had 3 rather smaller kids at the time and they gave us peanuts and 7 Up. And then we waited4:26 for an hour and a half, got peanuts and pretzels on the next trip. Then we had just peanuts, then we had pretzels and water, and it was about a 7 hour trip. It was exactly4:38 on time. It was exactly what they promised, and I was so ticked off at the end of that day. Why? I got something to eat. I had a clean seat.4:50 It took about 4 or 5 hours total instead of 16. When I was in the Philippines, my expectations were, if I can just get out of here, it'll be awesome. Happy camper.5:02 When I'm in America, I want they said a light snack. How is peanuts and 7 Up a light snack? Gimme a break! I mean, like a little dinky sandwich or something, but pee I got5:14 3 kids, man, they're just vomiting all over the back seat, they're going crazy, they're fighting with 1 another. Pretzels, peanuts, pretzels, peanuts. Give me a break. Right? Expectations.5:26 Notice the biblical example here we have in Naaman. But Naaman became furious. Second Kings 5 11 and 12. Remember him? He wanted to be healed. And they said, well go to the prophet in Israel, man.5:38 God God's doing great miraculous things through him. So, he comes to the prophet and the prophet tells him to go wash in the river and Naaman's furious and went away and said, indeed I said to myself, he will surely5:50 come out. These are his expectations, speaking of Elijah. He'll surely come out, stand and call on the name of the Lord his God and wave his hand over this place and heal the leprosy. And6:02 then he names a couple of his rivers in his hometown and he said, aren't those waters better than any in Israel? Could I not wash in them to be clean? So he turned away in a rage.6:15 Isn't it interesting? He came to the prophet. He has expectations. If he does this, there's a few little spiritual words, but instead the prophet goes, tell you what, I want you to go down to this river, dip 7 times,6:27 6 won't work, and you'll be healed. How many times have you told God the way He has to work in your life? How many times have your expectations for other6:38 people about how they have to respond, when they have to respond? How many times is life not fair? You know, I expected my marriage to be trouble free. Right? I expected when my kids got to6:50 be 20 or 22 to 3, 24 years old and they were really grown, my major parenting wouldn't be done. Right? You know, I expected when I worked really hard, trusted God, gave generously, tried to stay in shape, I wouldn't be7:02 the 1 to get in cancer. But God was in charge, Naaman, go do it this way. So much of our anger is this distance between what we experience7:15 and these unconscious expectations that we have. Notice in 1 Chronicles 15 29, it happened as the ark of the covenant of the Lord came to the city of David that Machal,7:27 Saul's daughter, looked through a window and saw the king whirling and playing music and she despised him in her heart. Her experience and expectations were kings7:38 always act this way. His behavior is embarrassing me. Therefore, she bolted to anger. And the result,7:51 she despised him. What expectations for those of you who are married do you have of your mate that you just assume are from God and are right and are really from your family background and origin,8:03 that they do things differently than you expect and you have this resentment in your heart? See, this anger stuff really deals with deep transformational issues from the inside8:15 out. Let me give you a tool. This is, how to communicate your frustration. It's the I desire versus I demand expectations.8:27 And, here's what happens is when you can change what your expectations are, they become a demand. They basically become it ought, it should, it always, it never.8:39 When you hear yourself saying those words, those are demands. Life ought to be fair. My kids ought to call. My marriage should be fulfilling all the time.8:51 I ought to make more money. I should have been promoted. Ought, should, always, never are demand statements. By the way, some of you make those on yourself. I ought to be perfect. I ought to keep the9:03 house clean all the time. I should never blow it at work. I should always have every project done on time, always. And so some of you are mad at yourselves. You9:15 know what? I got news for you. There's only 1 Jesus and you ain't it. You're not gonna be perfect. Right? And so you have this anger. What would happen Here's what Here's the9:27 difference. Here's the tool. You start And I I actually have to write these down. I have to write everything down. I'm a little slow. I desire to have a fulfilling and deep marriage even in a fallen world. I desire9:38 and long to have a deep wonderful relationship with my grown kids, even though now with their own kids and lifestyles, they don't respond as quickly as I would like. I wish, I9:50 desire, I long for, Lord, I hope. You see the difference? So when you when you have a desire that doesn't come through, you have disappointment. And everyone has disappointment.10:02 When you make a demand and it doesn't come through, you have anger. And so many of your anger issues and my anger issues are rooted in unconscious10:15 expectations that you don't even know they're there. Number 3, insecurity. Real or perceived attack on my worth. Often10:28 anger is merely an evidence of insecurity in my life. The tip of the iceberg is anger. It's the red light flashing on the dashboard of my soul.10:39 Option number 1, it may be hurt. The tool is I feel messages. Option number 2, it might be unmet needs as a result of unrealistic perceived or real10:51 expectations. The tool is I desire versus I demand.10:56 You're listening to Living on the Edge. Before we hear the rest of Chip's message, let me remind you that we are a listener supported ministry. Your financial gifts help us create programs like this 1, develop new11:08 resources, and encourage pastors globally. Prayerfully consider supporting us today. Then go to livingonthedge dot org to give a gift. Thanks so much for your help.11:20 Well here again is Chip.11:22 The third possibility is basically insecurities or real or perceived personal attack on my worth. Proverbs fifteen:one, a gentle answer turns11:34 away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. What does a harsh word do? What does criticism do? What does someone calling you a name do? What does someone cutting in front of you and making a gesture do?11:46 What does someone attacking you do? That harsh word, it stirs up anger. Why? Because your personhood has been attacked, your value has been attacked, and sometimes your11:57 safety has been attacked and anger is probably a very wise and good response. Proverbs 18 19 says, an offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and12:09 disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel. Why? An offended brother, when you attack or when you're attacked, when your personhood, when your security is12:20 attacked, I'll tell you what, the bars go up. Again, let me read a quick overview of this that I think puts it more succinctly than I can. When we feel threatened, we tend to12:32 call a red alert. Unfortunately, we usually do it automatically without properly assessing the risk. We do it over small, insignificant things as well as big, overwhelming issues. Whether the impending12:44 intruder is a mouse or a monster, we gear up for action with almost the same intensity. We get fuming mad when a stranger flips us off on the highway, when our spouse has been unfaithful, when a store clerk makes a rude12:55 comment, when the boss takes credit for all the work that we did, when there's a long line at the bank and when we discover our teenager stole some money, we need to stop and assess the situation before we blast in with13:07 heavy artillery. I came to a little window and I've shared this before and I shared it when we started, is that I believe that everybody is desperately insecure. If13:19 you study Genesis chapter 3, you'll find that when sin entered the world, a new pattern occurred. God calls out, Adam, where are you? Adam's response is,13:31 I heard you coming, therefore I was afraid. Why? Sin had entered, he now sees he's inadequate. He's self conscious for the first time.13:43 That inadequacy produces fear rooted in shame, therefore I hid. Inadequacy or insecurity creates a fear of others seeing me as I am and so13:55 I hide. Paul Turnier wrote a little book that had a fabulous impact on my life called The Strong and the Weak. Swiss psychologist translated from French to English and he interviewed all these people in his14:06 practice and basically realized that they're only Everyone's desperately insecure. Some people have strong reactions. They power up. They yell. They scream. They tell you how many people report to them. How much money14:16 they make. Where they live. Where their zip code is. What they drive. And they do that to keep a distance and it works. Other people feel desperately insecure and they use weak reactions. They look at the floor, they're14:27 shy, they withdraw, they tell you all their problems, they're like a victim. And after you hear the sad story the seventh time, you kinda see them in church and say, I think I'll use the other hallway.14:39 Both, both keep people at a distance. When I discovered, you know what, Ingram? You're gonna be insecure the rest of your life. Your only security is in Christ. It removes14:51 the threat. Why should I care if someone I don't know flips me off in the highway? I mean, who's this guy? My angry15:03 response when I my security is threatened tells me a lot more about the level of insecurity I have than the stupidity of the driver that just did that. When someone says a harsh word and my15:15 immediate reaction is, hey, what'd you say? W w w where is that coming from? Why am I bolting to anger? It's because I feel exposed. When they criticize my project, why do I get so15:26 defensive? Well because it's really an attack on me. Do you get it? Notice in scripture here, we've got a couple good examples of both Saul15:38 and the Jewish leaders. You know the story, right? David has now killed Goliath and Saul has put him over the army and we can pick up the story. So David went15:50 wherever Saul sent him and he behaved wisely and Saul sent him out, men of war, he was accepted in the sight of all the people and also Saul's servants and it happened that as they were coming home that David was16:01 returning and they began to sing this song, you know, Saul has slain his thousands and David his 10 thousands. And Saul hears this and instead of saying, Wow, I must be a great delegator,16:13 I'm really looking to build a legacy. I'm empowering other people, and the goal, it's God's Israel. We are making real progress. He's threatened. He thinks, Uh-oh. I'm the king. And it says,16:25 Then Saul was very angry, and the saying displeased him. They have ascribed to David 10000 and to me a thousand. Now what more can he have but the kingdom?16:37 There's a very insecure man at the success of other people. The same thing happens in the religious leaders. You pick up the story in Acts 5 and through the hands of the apostles, signs and wonders are being16:49 done. They're done with 1 accord on Solomon's porch, yet none of the rest dared join them, but the people esteemed them highly. And the believers were increasing and added The Lord added to the multitudes of men and17:00 women so that they brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and couches and even in the least of Peter's shadow, passing by might fall on some of them. And so the multitudes gathered from surrounding17:11 cities of Jerusalem, and they brought the sick and those who were tormented by unclean spirits, and they were all healed. God's doing this miraculous thing as he births the church, and here's religious leaders, and they17:22 saw what they did to Jesus. They have all this scripture and instead of saying, wow, I guess we were wrong. He must be the Messiah. I mean this is pretty heavy duty stuff. Everyone's healed, demons are flying17:33 out. What's their response? Then the high priest rose up and all those that were with him, which is the sect of the Sadducees, and they were filled with indignation. And they17:45 laid their hands on the apostles and put them in the common prison. And I just wanna suggest to you that when your reaction is very strong, very17:57 defensive, when you respond to criticism in a way that and you may stuff it strongly, you may spew it, or you may find yourself leaking it out, What if18:09 what if you said, wait a second. Does this person's opinion really matter that much? Am I going to give this person's view of me an an overriding power to determine18:21 who I am instead of who God says I am. So much of our anger is not just hurt and not just frustration, but we're basically insecure18:33 people and when our security or our self worth gets attacked, we bolt to anger because I will tell you, it's threatening isn't it? The tool here is the kinda18:45 ask yourself question, why am I feeling threatened? And here's the little questions you know, I've And you know, it's a process. But you ask yourself, what is being attacked? Who is attacking me?18:57 Is the threat menial or meaningful? And whose approval am I seeking? And you know, you just start asking that and you realize, you know, that's a fellow employee, he's been here 2 months, he's19:09 rude, he's got a big ego, he criticized me, I wanted to punch his lights out. I mean, that was my initial reaction, but he's really big so I think I'll not go there and it would not be a very good testimony. But you have19:20 these thoughts, you know? And and then you just realize, this is silly. I don't need that person's approval. I got criticized, she criticized me in the car. You know what? We've been married 2719:31 years. I think I can find where we're supposed to go. I got a GPS. I can see where the little spaces are. I don't and there's 1 over there. There's 1 over there. There's why do you get so hangry?19:43 Woman, I could tell you I can find empty parking spots. You understand? Zip it. Here's some duct tape. You know? Ask yourself, guys, what is it about that that makes you so angry?19:55 It has nothing to do with parking spots. It's my ego is being threatened that somehow I'm being made to feel by that comment that I'm not smart enough to figure it out. Right?20:07 Now there's 2 applications here, ladies. And the other application is guys, you know what? Thanks, son. I get a little help. I right? See,20:19 when you can begin to understand that defensiveness, that bolt to anger how many of you have had arguments like that? I mean, great morning with the Lord, on your way to church, And over a parking lot, I mean the spirit20:31 of God leaves the room. Right? In summary, the first step in overcoming the destructive power of anger and write this word, is the courage to look below the surface.20:44 I had the moment of my life, and it changed my life. When I realized sitting for 10 minutes in a car, the problem's not anger, I'm hurt. Since20:56 then I've learned, you know, it's not hurt. I'm frustrated. I had expectations of when this would be done or what people would do or what I expected of myself. And you know something? I'm not hitting those.21:08 Now sometimes I just need to accept that, confess my sin, plan better, and other times it's, you know, it's a fallen world, everyone gave it their best shot. This is just where we're at. And finally, I just have to21:19 accept a lot of the anger I have is people attack my personhood, and I might either gonna respond in defensiveness, in anger, and in like manner, or I'm gonna ask a few questions like, who's being attacked?21:31 What are they really attacking? Is this really worth dealing with? And do they really have the power to define who I am? Anger is the light on the dashboard. Anger is our way of21:43 protecting ourselves from painful, hard to deal with hurts, frustrations, and insecurities. Anger has many faces and despite its power for good, it will destroy21:55 unless we, and this is what we're gonna look at next time. We call it the A, B, C, Ds. You know, I wanna give you a very clean process to look under the hood. It22:07 will be acknowledge your anger, backtrack to the first emotion, consider the real cause, and then to determine how to rightly respond.22:19 You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and the message you just heard, why we all struggle with anger, is from our series overcoming emotions that destroy. Chip will join us in studio22:31 to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. Anger has always been seen as a wrong, unhealthy feeling. But what if I told you that this emotion is a signal of a deeper problem22:43 we need to be aware of? And if channeled correctly, anger could actually be used for good. Well, in this 10 part series, Chip uncovers the root of anger in our lives and explains how we can turn our most22:55 intense frustrations into a valuable asset. So if you're desperate to better understand this emotion and have control over it, you're not gonna wanna miss a single program. Chip's back in23:07 studio with me now with a quick word for all of you.23:10 I'll be right back to talk about today's message. But before I do, I wanna give you a picture that I got to witness as a young pastor. There was a man there who was a master craftsman. I mean, he was a cabinet maker23:22 par excellence. And I remember watching him literally painstakingly with a piece of wood use a lathe and little by little by little by little, he did all these things that I couldn't figure out23:34 what was happening. And then, you know, all those little moments led to this absolutely beautiful piece of cabinetry or furniture. And, you know, sometimes we think little things don't matter, even calling them little23:46 things. And 1 of the quote little things that is the backbone of living on the edge are those people who support the ministry monthly. You know, I don't know if you are a current supporter or you've been praying about23:57 being a supporter, but let me tell you this. When you give monthly, it provides the bedrock and the consistency and the stability of all that we do here at Living on the Edge. So I wanna thank you24:09 monthly partners for all that you do. And I would like you, if you're not a supporter, would you prayerfully today ask God, do you want me to support Living on the Edge? Do you want me to help Christians live like24:20 Christians? And if so, would you like me to do it on a regular monthly basis? And by the way, thanks in advance for whatever God leads you to do.24:28 Thanks, Chip. As you prayerfully consider your role with this ministry, I wanna remind you that every gift is significant no matter the amount. When you partner with Living on the Edge, you support and24:40 multiply the ministry work we're doing all over the globe. Set up your monthly gift today by going to livingonthedge dot org or by calling triple 8 3 3 3 6 0 024:52 3. That's triple 8 3 3 3 6 0 0 3, or visit living on the edge dot o r g. App listeners tap donate. Well, here again is Chip.25:04 As we close today's program, I wanna do a quick review, and then let's leave with 1 very specific application. Number 1, anger is a secondary emotion. It25:16 is not the issue. Second, there are 3 primary reasons why we get angry. First is hurt, Second is frustration, and third is insecurity. Now I25:27 gave very specific tools to help you kinda look under the surface with each 1 of those. Here's all I want you to do today. Anytime you get angry, I mean, down to little frustrations,25:40 driving home from work, a red light, too much noise, 1 of the kids screams, I don't know, you know, someone tells something you know it's not true, anytime you begin to feel angry feelings, I want you to ask the25:51 question, why am I angry? Did someone hurt me? Well, maybe or maybe not. Is it a blocked goal? So is it frustration, or was it personal attack, insecurity? Just get26:03 your arms around 1 of those 3 things, and let's take some baby steps together about acknowledging that we are angry, get to the root cause, and God will begin to help you deal with anger in a very26:15 powerful way.26:16 Good word, Chip. As we close, do you wanna deepen your connection to God amid your busy life? Then take Chip with you by subscribing to our daily podcast. With a few simple taps on your phone, you26:28 can access the full length versions of our latest series. And if you're always on the go, download a handful and listen to them at your own pace. Let us help you grow your faith. Search for Living on the26:40 Edge with Chip Ingram today on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. For Chip and the entire team, this is Dave Drewing thanking you for listening to this edition26:51 of Living on the Edge, and I hope you'll join us again next time.In this video 0:00 Understanding Anger: The Iceberg Effect25:00
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