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Codependency - What It Is and How to Break Free
October 7, 2025 · 59 min
Explore the spiritual journey of overcoming codependent patterns for healthier connections.
Series Hope Talks Podcast Videos October 7, 2025 · 59 min · Hope Talks Podcast Videos
Explore the spiritual journey of overcoming codependent patterns for healthier connections. ...more Show the full description Show less Explore the spiritual journey of overcoming codependent patterns for healthier connections.
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Hope for the Heart is a worldwide biblical counseling, coaching, and caregiving ministry founded by June Hunt in 1986. We’re passionate about helping people
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Understanding Codependency 0:00 Codependency is an issue that puts a lot of unhealthy pressure on relationships Mhmm. That it takes some introspection and it takes some0:12 transparency, some willingness to look at ourselves and say, okay. I have a little bit of an unhealthy bent in this, and I wanna get I wanna get stronger. I wanna be sharpened. Mhmm. So it's0:23 Yeah. They're healthy relationships are possible. And I think a lot of these conversations, that's part of our goal is to help people have tools for that. Welcome to Hope Talks. We're your hosts. I'm0:35 Hailey Scully along with Dustin Anderson, and we wanna give you every reason for hope for every challenge in life because hope means everything.0:50 Okay, Haley. Today, we are gonna talk about codependency.0:54 Codependency.0:55 Yeah. And I'm actually kind of nervous and excited for this topic because I feel like it's kind of become a bit of a buzzword. I hear it a lot.1:04 Certainly a buzzword.1:06 Yeah. And it kinda the way I hear it a lot is usually, like, if there's any kind of unhealthy relationship pattern, it's codependency.1:14 Oh, they're codependent.1:15 So They're codependent. Codependent. Initially, when we were talking through, you know, which topic we wanna do for this week, we bounced around a lot of ideas actually. Mhmm. From worry and1:26 Aging well Yeah. Dysfunctional family. There's a lot of kind of yeah. There's a lot of things that have been popping up.1:32 Yeah. But we landed on codependency because I think it's it's a relationship issue. And we've talked through a lot of, like, mental health and emotional issues. We've done some apologetic1:43 episodes. And so doing 1 on more of a relationship issue felt a little bit new Yeah. To talk through. But then also, it initially felt like, on the surface, I was like, oh, I don't deal with this at all.1:56 But then the more I got into our Keys for Living book on it, there was parts of it that I was like, well, maybe I should slow2:02 down a second. Maybe.2:03 Yeah. And so that's what I love about the keys. That's what frankly challenges me sometimes is a lot of these topics, you kinda feel like, maybe I don't deal with it that much. But then when you kinda get into it and2:15 see some of maybe the characteristics of it or the signs of it, you go, oh, there might be some relationship patterns where, you know, I'm overstepping my bounds or I need correction or something.2:27 Yeah. I think the term that is coming to mind is the scripture iron sharpening iron. You know, we all could use a little sharpening.2:36 Yeah.2:36 And so we may not necessarily walk around with a t shirt that says, hi. I'm codependent. Yeah. But like you said, there are we all have bits and pieces of things that maybe with2:48 a little bit of understanding and a little insight, we could get a little sharper on.2:52 Yeah.2:53 You know? And I think because this is a buzzword, like, you know, narcissism, such a word. Everybody says people are narcissistic. And sometimes we don't actually understand what3:05 the definition is. Now if anybody has listened to Hope Talks, they have3:08 heard us say definitions. Definition.3:10 And but I just think so many times we are talking about things, we are experiencing things, and understanding what something actually means3:20 Yep.3:20 Really helps us to know what are the right solutions.3:24 Mhmm.3:24 What are the right fixes for these things? So, we've talked before. We don't want people to read something, and all of a sudden, we've diagnosed. Oh my gosh. I'm codependent. Yeah. Didn't think I had the problem, but3:34 now I read page 32, and I'm obviously struggling3:37 with it. 1 of those topics where like, I remember I I was a psychology minor in Okay. College. And everyone who's in those psychology classes, as soon as you learn about3:49 Yeah. Whatever is in the DSM I3:51 might be associate with that.3:53 Yep. Exactly.3:54 And so this3:55 I drink my coffee black. I'm obviously a serial killer.3:59 So this is 1 of those topics where it feels like as as we kinda talk through some of these things, you'll you know, there might be a a red flag or something that goes up. And, yeah, I don't want it to be like a self4:11 diagnosis thing4:12 Right.4:12 Or pointing your finger at someone else.4:14 Yeah.4:15 But just I I think it's an important topic because it's 1 of these things where if we do have an unhealthy relationship pattern that does also affect our our thoughts and emotions and even4:27 kind of core stuff like our identity. I think that's worth bringing in light of scripture and4:32 Yeah.4:32 Talking through.4:33 I think that's really good. 1 thing that I'll say before we get into definitions too, there was a time I think codependency was a bigger buzzword. We've also talked, you know,4:45 people are always setting boundaries. Well, that's my boundary, blah, blah, blah, blah. The the the goal relationally in our lives are to have healthy relationships.4:56 Mhmm.4:56 You4:57 know, it's to have healthy dependence, healthy, healthy connection. And if a boundary needs to be set, a healthy boundary, that's a really good thing too.5:09 But I think when we talk about some of these issues, and that's what I like about the the breadth of our ministry and the breadth of resources that we have is that it does help us5:20 recognize pieces in ourself because we don't we don't just wanna separate ourselves from everybody or everything. We don't wanna just cut relationships off. If a relationship5:32 is dysfunctional or a little bit out of balance, what's a healthy way to put that in balance? You know, you don't have to just solder people off5:41 and walk away from things5:42 and set a boundary and I'm out. A lot of relationships are worth fixing. A lot of relationships are not relationships that we necessarily want to set a boundary and walk away5:54 from. We wanna know how to fix it. And I think codependency is an issue that puts a lot of unhealthy pressure on relationships Mhmm. That it takes6:06 some introspection and it takes some transparency, some willingness to look at ourselves and say, okay. I have a little bit of an unhealthy bent in this and I wanna get I wanna get stronger.6:18 I wanna be sharpened. Mhmm. So it's Yeah. They're healthy relationships are possible. And I think a lot of these conversations, that's part of our goal is to help people have tools for that.6:30 I see a lot of, like, oh, this is a toxic relationship. I hear that word a lot. Mhmm. And I I see a lot of stuff out there. I'm like, like you said, like, just let's just cut off all the relationships. Right. Like,6:41 that's the only solution.6:43 You're blocked. You're whatever.6:44 And Yeah. Yeah. I think God's heart is usually for, yeah, healthy relationships, reconciliation where it needs to happen, but, also, there's relationships where there might need to be an appropriate boundary Absolutely.6:56 That's set, but that doesn't mean that you just cut the person off because7:00 Always.7:01 Because as we as we'll go through it, I wanna share some of, like, the different types of codependent relationships. And some of these, I initially thought this is usually like a romantic relationship type issue, but7:12 there's a version of codependency where it's a spouse and a spouse, but also a parent child, an employee and their boss, a counselor and a counselee, or a teacher and a student. There's all kinds of7:24 types of relationships where this issue kind of plays out, and I say that because a lot of the relationships in our life, in some sense, you can't just, like, get rid of them Right. So easily.7:35 We didn't even we7:36 wouldn't want to. And so I think it's worth thinking through of, like, if there is a relationship in my life like this, what can I do to, you know, correct it, make it healthier? And so7:47 I like that.7:48 You also did mention the breadth of our resources. Yeah. So I wanted to give a quick shameless plug because I have it here with us.7:55 I'm shameless.7:58 What was it?7:58 Billy Joel well7:59 I was gonna say that was8:00 my Garth Brooks version of the Billy Joel song, Shameless. Shameless. So sorry. You say the words. That's not on me either. You.8:09 That's right.8:10 But we got our first shipment of the care and counsel handbook. I'll hold it up to the camera here. But it is our newest and most comprehensive resource from Hope for the Heart. It covers 100 real life issues. It's8:22 kind of like the culmination of, like, 40 years of June and the ministry has done here. And so8:28 It's exciting.8:29 It yeah. It's a quick reference guide. I think this episode comes out September fourth. The book releases September ninth.8:36 Oh.8:36 So I'll put a link where you can preorder that. But I think it's just such a great resource. It does cover codependency, covers perfectionism, grief, abuse, pretty much any topic you can think of, it's gonna be8:48 in there. Yeah. And so check that out.8:50 The care and counsel handbook.8:53 Mhmm.8:53 Okay. I like it.8:55 Alright. Definitions. Wanna get into it? Yeah. Codependency is an unhealthy pattern of dependence on another person where you sense your identity, worth, and well-being are tied to meeting their needs or controlling9:07 their behavior. A short definition we have in the keys, it's kind of like a relationship addiction. Oh. So you can have an addiction to, you know, a drug Mhmm. A behavior like9:19 gambling or shopping or eating. But you can also have an an addiction to a person or to a relationship where you feel like you need them in some sense for your for9:31 your own well-being. Right. And so part of the term,9:34 You need to control them or you need to meet their needs.9:38 Yeah.9:38 But they are kind of the focus of your Yeah. Motivations.9:42 If someone was an alcoholic in the family, they're the 1 with the dependency issue. They're addicted to alcohol. But then the family members who are in their life who might cover for them or try and rescue9:54 them or shield them from consequences or just feel like they have to take care of them so much to the point of kind of neglecting their own needs.10:05 Mhmm.10:05 I think that's where codependency kinda comes into play.10:09 Yeah. Either kind of neglecting their own needs or, on the opposite end of that, trying to control everything so much because they need it to be a certain way. But but the focus and the attention10:21 and the action and the behaviors and the emotions are all really tied into that relationship. Yeah. Yeah. That would be codependent. Yeah. Not quite healthy.10:31 Yeah. Not quite healthy. So yeah. So, like, it's interesting because, like, taking care of someone, especially in that type of situation where there is, like, a drug or alcohol addiction, like,10:44 taking care of them is healthy. Like, you would want to help as as best as you can, but, like, losing yourself in the process or con yeah. Like you said, controlling their behavior Mhmm.10:56 That's where it starts to, like, dip into codependency. Yeah. And so as I've thought through this, it's helped me to just kind of separate out in any codependent relationship. There's kind of, like,11:08 the the stronger person and the weaker person. There might be a better way to categorize that, but the, like, the weaker person would be the person who's, who has more of the11:20 needs.11:20 Mhmm.11:21 And that could be, like I said, if it's someone who's addicted to something, they're they're kinda like the the 1 with the needs. They they're more needy and to be and need to be taken care11:32 of. And then there's, like, the stronger person who might have more of that caretaking and on extreme end, like, almost savior complex where I need to intervene and shield you from11:44 consequences and, yeah, take care of you to the point where, like, I'm controlling you.11:51 Right.11:52 I'm neglecting my own self. Yeah. I don't know who I am apart from this11:56 Just like with any of us, it it may demonstrate in multiple ways. You know, that example is, like, where we talked about with addiction. But like you said, it could be teacher to12:08 student. It could be any relationship that we have can get dysfunctional and can get codependent when we begin to anchor our identity12:20 or our significance or our love or our security with that person. So even, you know, parent to child, they've they've really anchored their identity as a12:32 person on their children's success. And so that leads them to be really controlling. You know? I need you to be this way because I'm being perceived this way. Yeah. So12:43 codependency is not ever a positive. No. There are degrees of codependency.12:52 Yeah. Degrees and, I would say, different ways it plays out in the various relationships of our lives.12:57 Yeah. And12:57 so, like you said, a parent child, to me, that that's a bit of a clear 1 to me where if a child has a bad behavior or harmful behavior, the parent, you know,13:09 intervenes in their life and kind of I I keep saying this phrase, like, shields them from the consequences of their poor behavior. Yeah. Because they feel like, well, I'm their parent. I should be Right. Protecting them.13:20 But on some level, like, you should also be allowing your kids to face the consequences of their actions.13:28 Right.13:29 Or I could I've seen it before too where when the child's more grown up, like, in high school or college where they really should be having that kind of independence in their life Mhmm. The parent13:41 is still, like, controlling their decisions13:44 Mhmm.13:44 Where they spend their time, like, to the point where, like, the child never really becomes independent. Like, they can't they can't even, like, go to the store by themselves because they don't know how to do it. They13:55 don't know how to Right. Do the basic skills of life Yeah. Of, you know, how do I wash my clothes? How do I, you know, take care of myself? Because my parent has14:07 done all of these things, and now I'm so dependent on them that I know.14:12 Based on kind of what you've shared too, it's like everything in our lives, it can get twisted. Mhmm.14:20 And14:20 I think codependency oftentimes does begin in a great desire to love somebody. Yeah. You know, you really love your child and you want what's best for them, or you really14:32 love your family member that's hurting or struggling with addiction. You know, love is sometimes that that core thing that that can get twisted. I mean, so then14:44 when when we look at that, because that's a lot of times people can give themselves an out. Well, I'm just caring for them, or I'm protecting them, or I Yeah. You know, those are not wrong emotions. Yeah. So it's not14:55 like we're saying don't take care of your child or don't help your child do this. Like, it's looking at the degree that we intervene or control.15:05 Yeah.15:05 And then it's looking at what is the best for that individual. If that if the person that I love needs to strengthen their muscles, either in their addiction or15:17 to be an adult, or I need to allow them the space to strengthen their muscles. The way that we can figure out that balance is truly understanding what our15:29 identity in the Lord is. You know, when we when we understand that primary relationship Yeah. If if we understand who we are and who15:41 that we are loved, we are significant, we are secure, that we are not the savior, that we know who we are and we know who God is, when that is our foundation of truth Mhmm. Then15:53 we can look at those relationships that we have and we can say, Okay, what's, what is really happening here? Is this the highest good for the person that I care for? Is this16:05 good for me as well? Is the, you know, what is my motivation? And it just really helps us. And I think defining these things really helps us kinda hold a little bit of a mirror up and say,16:16 where am I following on this spectrum? And how do I take this to God and help him make me healthy in this?16:23 Yeah. So that reminds me of 2 questions I wanted to ask you, and I'll let you think about it while I16:29 Okay.16:30 Riff here for a second. But when when I was preparing this, I was trying to think through in the context of codependency and just thinking about what is proper dependence on others look like, I was asking myself, what16:41 does it mean to depend on the Lord?16:44 Mhmm. What16:44 does that actually mean? And then what is healthy depending on someone actually look like versus kind of, like, codependency? Like, what's healthy and unhealthy and, like, dependence on someone.16:54 Mhmm.16:54 So when I thought of depending on the Lord, it was kinda what you had said. Like, I look to him and I depend on him for, like, my my my sense of identity, my sense17:06 of purpose, meeting my my most basic inner needs, like we talk about the keys for love, significance, and security.17:14 Mhmm.17:14 So that, like, yes. I love my wife, and I love that my wife loves me. I love my children. I love that my children love me. And so that's that's good and healthy, but in some17:26 ultimate sense, I'm not, like, dependent on their love for me Mhmm. In the same way that, like, God's love for me is more, like, core17:35 Right.17:35 To who I am. And so when I think about what it means to depend on the Lord, it's it's that kind of thing17:40 Yeah.17:40 Where he's he's ultimate in some sense. He's first place. And I think with codependency, where it gets into that realm is I'm actually looking to my I'm looking to my kids17:52 to fulfill that that need for love. I'm looking to my wife to fill that. And if you play that out to the extreme, you can kinda see how that can get unhealthy. You're asking someone to meet needs18:04 that only God can give. Yeah. When that happens, you know, there's bound to be disappointment, resentment18:11 Right.18:11 Anger, fights, all kinds of stuff. And so to me, that kinda helped to just clear a little bit of what what it means to depend on the Lord, but then also what healthy and unhealthy look like.18:23 Yeah. I think the way you described it is really good. The that dependence on the Lord is primary. Now there's that old joke about, I want Jesus with skin on. You know?18:35 Like, we need we need to be able18:36 to see somebody, and and we don't we do take God's presence and him defining us and knowing our identity in him. All of that is in faith18:48 at this point. You know, we we can't see him or see all of that come together. Now I think that when we take that in faith,19:00 our lives contain a certain level of peace. Yeah. A certain level of patience, a certain level of love and19:12 joy and gentleness and self control. When we depend on God to define us, God is who made you a parent. Yeah. He gets to define you. Right? That helps19:24 you be able to parent your daughters instead of try to please them. Like you want to you want to delight them. You want to you want to grow them. You want them to19:35 laugh and know that they're loved. But if you were depending on them to make you feel secure or significant or loved in that parent relationship, then that's where the19:47 dysfunction comes in. And now, okay, I'm dependent on these 3 children Yeah. To help make me feel like I'm doing a good job. So I'm gonna please them so that they love me. Or Yeah. I need those19:59 needs to be met by them. And that can happen in every relationship. It can happen at work. Yeah. If I am so concerned that my identity is in20:11 either being on Hope Talks, sharing my diary. Obviously, that is not a concern because20:16 I get out here and say things20:17 that could be a little bit vulnerable. But, you know, if work if we so well, then then my whole identity is here. Well, what if at some point I'm not here? What if I Yeah. Am in another place, or20:29 all of a sudden I need you to be exact cohost that you have to be because I am dependent on this situation.20:38 Yeah. This being a successor.20:40 Yeah. We've talked about how our identity in Christ and love, significance, and security is actually in every single 1 of our topics. It's because it's so foundational. That is20:51 where we are set free from expecting other people to define us, to appreciate us, to to affirm us. Now those are all good things.21:03 You know, loving your girls and being loved by your girls, that's a great thing, and that's how God intended it. When the pressure is off of expecting them or Kristen21:17 to you have to control that so that they have this certain image that represents you well in the way that you wanna be looked at as a man or a father or a husband. God defines you and you get to delight in the21:27 relationships that he's given you. So it just takes a level of pressure and pain off of relationships when we can line up with how God has defined us.21:39 I think 1 of the characteristics of, say, like, healthy dependence on someone versus unhealthy would be, like, yes, like, if your dependence is on God and your identity21:51 and all of that, kinda takes the pressure off, like you said, and you can allow the other person to grow because I'm not looking to my kids in some ultimate sense for my identity, and I'm not seeking their22:03 approval. Like, I'm not trying to just always please them.22:07 Yeah. Yeah. Love22:08 you. Love you all. You know what I mean? Because of that, I, like, I'm not seeking their approval. I can I can actually allow them to grow, and part of that includes, like,22:20 facing the consequences of their decisions? Mhmm. Because I think a a way that it would play out in an unhealthy sense with a parent child relationship, there's a bad behavior and you wanna shield them from a consequence22:32 of it. So they never actually grow. Yeah. And I could see that also you mentioned, like, a a work situation where if there's, like, an underperforming employee and, like, the boss always22:44 covers for them22:45 Mhmm.22:46 Or never corrects them or trains them, just kind of keeps covering for them, it it never allows that person to grow properly. And so22:58 I wouldn't say that's, like, a main characteristic, but that's just 1 that kept coming to mind Yeah. Is you're kind of stifling the other person because, like, we actually need the consequences of our actions23:10 Right. To be played out. Yeah. And I think codependency kind of covers that a lot.23:16 Right. Jesus paid the price for us. Right? We're all dependent on the Lord. There are moments where we we got out of the consequences.23:28 Mhmm. You know? And so I the ultimate consequence. Yeah. And so I do think that there are moments it's not like every single time that you're23:39 not supposed to, at times, find grace and exhibit Yeah. Grace. We do want 1 another to learn and grow and not stunt that. You23:51 know? So there are moments I think that's part of loving people is and that's part of realizing that we we get to depend on God in that. Like, in our prayer life and in our walk, being inShow more In this video 0:00 Understanding CodependencyComments No comments yet. Start the conversation.
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