Skip to content Finding New Ways to Thrive in Your Marriage with Dr. Gary Chapman Aug 18 · 46 min ...more
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Embracing Patience and Healthy Conflict 0:04 Start expressing love in their love language. You've apologized to them. Now, start loving them. I'm telling you, if they don't turn around in 6 months, you can look God in the0:15 face. You can look yourself in the mirror and know you've done the most powerful thing you could do to try to stimulate growth in your marriage.0:30 Gary, welcome to Focus. You're remote today because, airlines couldn't get you here. But we miss you physically, but we're so glad you're joining us remotely.0:39 Well, thank you. I'm glad it worked out and looking forward to our time together.0:42 Yeah. I mean, how long have you and your wife been married now?0:46 63 years. Oh, wow. She says that's impossible. She's only 49.0:53 That sounds like my mom. She was 49 for, like, 50 years. But, no. That's awesome. You do have a PhD. I was gonna say you got a PhD in marriage. 63. That's a good1:04 run.1:05 Yes. We're very excited. You know, the I remember the early days, though, Jim, when I wasn't sure what was gonna happen. You know? We had a lot of negative feelings, and we were didn't know how to solve conflicts, and we1:17 argued a lot. And, yeah, but I think God let us go through those those early stages because of what he wanted to do in my life. And he give me empathy for people, you know, when they sit in my office and1:29 say, we're just too different. This is just not working. You know? I can identify with that. So God uses even the hard times in making us and also in using us.1:40 Oh, especially that. But, I mean, the fact that you've gone through, you know, those cycles of marriage like I was talking about, you know, once you you get a certain maturity, things aren't as tense, I think. I mean,1:50 hopefully, you're learning how to deflate and not escalate conflict, etcetera. I mean, you should be getting a's and b's at this stage, not D's and F's. But just2:02 to get the audience involved in your early marriage, we do want to talk about your D's and your F's. Sorry about that. But you mentioned that when you 1st got married, those expectations2:14 and the book talks about this, the expectations that you had. This is so common to every couple. You go into marriage thinking, we're so much in love. We're so much alike. This is gonna be2:26 wonderful. And then at some 0.6 months, 6 days, 6 years into that wonderful bliss, something explodes. What typically is the cause of that2:38 marital explosion?2:40 I think it's because we come down off that high. You know, I was always told when I was growing up, if you're really in love, if you've got the real thing, it's gonna last forever. And2:52 that's what I anticipated. Well, we started it now. Average lifespan of that euphoric state is 2 years. Yeah. Nice. Some a little longer, some a little less. Average 23:04 years. My wife and I had dated 2 years before we got married. I came down rather soon after the honeymoon. Right. And, then we3:16 found out we didn't agree on some things. And when we were in love, I'm not we never had any problems. You know? Whatever she wanted to do was fine with me. You know? We came down off that high, and then3:28 we had these conflicts. And so I knew I was right. She knew she was right. So we ended up arguing with each other. I remember 1 night, it was pouring down rain outside, and we got into an argument. And in3:39 the middle of the argument, my wife walked out the front door in the rain. Mhmm. And I thought, man, this is bad. When a woman walks in the rain, it's bad.3:50 Yeah. No kidding. I mean3:52 And so then then not only did we have all those arguments, but then I'll not only did I lose the positive feelings, now I had some negative feelings toward her, you know, just because she wouldn't listen to me4:04 and da da da da da. And and so the emotions became negative instead of positive. So, it it was it was a hard time for me. And what compounded it for me, Jim, is 24:15 weeks after we got married, I enrolled in seminary to study to be a pastor. And here I am starting to be a pastor and and just miserable in my marriage. You know? Just4:27 Yeah. I wanted to ask you about that because you kind of came to that conclusion, but I wanted to to know the timeline. You and Carolyn were in this season of disagreement4:39 and fighting, and you kinda are coming to your your wits end about, did I marry the wrong person? She may have been thinking the same thing. But then you had this turn where you were prompted, you4:51 said in the book, to start studying the teachings of Jesus for your marriage. Now I don't I don't think I've ever had that kind of specific thing. Look at the words of Jesus for your marriage. So how did that5:02 happen for you, Gary? And, well, how was it so profound?5:06 Well, I was pretty desperate and just struggling with this whole thing. And and I said to God, there's no way I can ever stand in front of people and preach if I'm this miserable in5:18 my marriage. I mean, I just I just couldn't conceive of doing that. And I said to god, I don't know what else to do. I've done everything I know to do. It's not working. She won't listen to me. You know?5:30 You know, I'm still blaming her. And and and I just said to god, I'm asking you. I'm asking you to help me. I don't know what to do. As soon as I said that,5:42 it came to my mind, a visual image of Jesus on his knees washing the feet of his disciples. And I heard God say to me, that's the problem in your marriage. You5:54 do not have the attitude of Christ toward your wife. It hit me like a ton of bricks because I remember what Jesus said. After he did that, yeah, which was a6:06 servant's job in his day, he washed their feet, and then he stood up and said, you call me teacher and lord, and you are right. But in my kingdom, the leader6:17 serves. Now I'm telling you, you go do what I've just done for you. You go serve other people. And 3 questions made it practical once my heart was changed. When When I was willing to ask6:29 these 3 questions, my marriage began to change. Simple questions. Number 1, honey, what could I do to help you? Question number 2, how can I make your life easier?6:43 Question number 3, how could I be a better husband? When I was willing to ask those questions, she was willing to give me answers. Yeah. And I started responding. Now I knew nothing about love language in6:54 those days. Looking back on it, her request was telling me her her love language, acts of service. You know? And I started doing these things. And it didn't turn around overnight, but7:06 probably within 3 months, my wife started asking me those 3 questions. What can I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How can I be a better wife?7:18 So we've been walking this road a long time in which I've been reaching out to serve her, and she's been reaching out to serve me. And I really believe that this is god's intention.7:28 Yeah.7:28 God never ordained marriage to make people miserable. He made us to serve each other. And if we have the attitude of Christ that who said of himself, the son of man did not come to be served,7:40 but to serve and later give his life a ransom for others. So if we if we get that right and we have that attitude serving each other, we'll tell each other what they can do.7:52 You know? And and we we're we're doing what god intended, marriage to be a loving, supportive, caring relationship in which 2 are better than 1. And that's what god said in the beginning. Not good8:04 for Adam to be alone. I'm gonna give him a helper. And when you get helping each other, you're on a good road.8:10 No. It's so good and so true. The, I I have a warning, though. You and I have talked about that before, those 3 questions. So I go home, and I'm telling Jean. I'm saying, let me ask you 3 questions. And8:22 I said them, and she goes, oh, who'd you record with today? And then she quickly had 3 answers for each question. I mean, it was, like, right top of mind. I'm going, she's gotta she's gonna8:34 have to really search8:36 She already knew. She had8:38 3 answers for each question ready to go. I said, man, how long has that been loaded, that response?8:44 You know?8:45 So, just a fair warning to those husbands. But, Gary, in all seriousness, and I think this is true, but, it didn't just resolve overnight. It was the8:57 beginning of that journey. And I think even with, maybe impatience and anger, those were things that you continue to work on. And that helps the rest of us because it's not like it was immediate. It changed9:08 changed your perspective. But speak to that idea of growing in those attitudes even though you would fail from time to time. Is that accurate?9:17 Yeah. I think always. And I never speak in terms of a perfect marriage. I talk about a growing marriage. Yeah. Because we're either growing or we are regressing. All of us. We're getting better9:29 in our relationship or we're getting worse. And so, yeah, the whole thing of learning how to listen to her when we disagreed, you know, rather than trying to convince her that I was right and she was9:41 wrong, learning to say, honey, I want to understand what your perspective. Now now share it with me. You know? And and and let me try to get my arms around what you're saying and try to look at the world9:52 through her eyes, you know, and and begin to see her perspective on it so that I could then say to her, well, you know, honey, I can see how now how that makes sense. You know, I can I can see that?10:04 And and learning to listen to her and and look for solutions then, we still disagree, but the question now is how can we solve this? And rather than trying to win the argument, learning how10:16 to solve the problem. And that was huge. And it took time. It took time for that process. But it's it's something everybody has to learn if they're gonna have a growing marriage is how to process our10:28 conflicts in a positive way.10:30 In the book, you in fact, you say marital patience is giving your spouse the freedom to be human. I love that. I think, you know, impatience is born out of an expectation10:40 Mhmm.10:41 That you're gonna do something either perfectly or close to perfect, whatever it might be. And so that kind of, creates that point of friction. But speak to that idea that marital patience is giving your10:53 spouse the freedom to be human.10:55 Yeah. It's giving them the freedom to think differently than you, to feel differently from you. They have a different background. They have a different personality. It's allowing them to be humanThe Art of Apology and Languages 11:07 and thus and thus expect that we're gonna have disagreements. So sometimes in my marriage conferences, I have the husbands. I say, how about this, guys? Just turn to her and say, you know, honey, I think from11:19 now on, I'm gonna treat you like a human. Yeah. Which means I'm gonna let you have thoughts that I wouldn't have and let you have emotions I wouldn't have. I'm gonna treat you like a human. And so recognizing11:31 that there's going to be differences always, and we just have to recognize that's a part of our humanity. Mhmm. And God designed it that way. He wants really to use the differences for our good11:42 rather than ill, but we have to be open to that.11:47 Hey. Allow me to interrupt for just a moment here to say how much we appreciate you watching. Now if you find value in this content, subscribe by clicking below. It'll be a big help to us. Let's go ahead and return to11:59 the show. Well, so Gary, you're talking about something I think a lot of us struggle with, which is those differences that never seem like they'll ever change. Like, that's just in my spouse's12:10 personality. So you've given us some good ways to to think about that and to approach it with prayer, but, practically, what do I do when, once again, either she's not gonna12:22 change or if I look in the mirror, I'm not gonna change? What do I do then?12:28 I think there are some things we have to recognize that we will have to accept and that they will never change. For example, I've sometimes said this. You know, there are some people who are not12:40 wired to keep up with their car keys. And every time they get ready to walk out the door, they said, where are my keys? Where'd I put my keys? Where'd I put my keys? And I I say I say, listen. You can put hooks12:51 out there in the garage and tell them, honey, just hang them on the hooks. They they they not gonna do that. I don't know if they cannot or they will not. You know, I don't know if it's genetic or or if it's just a13:03 pattern, but some things we have to accept. And 1 of the things I had to accept was that about my wife. And so I I just say, you know, guys, listen. If your wife is that way, best thing you do is get you 213:15 or 3 sets of car keys. And you say, honey, use these. We'll find the others. And you will. You'll find them later, maybe in the refrigerator, but you'll find them. You know? So13:23 Well, I wanna defend all the wives because I think they would say, you know, there's this basket in the room or in the closet.13:32 The junk thing. Yeah.13:33 No. To put your dirty clothes in. And for some reason, you, like, lay them all over the room. Is there some problem with putting them in the dirty clothes hamper?13:45 Has anybody had that experience? I have piles. You know? I got the once worn pile because that that way I could wear those pants or that shirt again. Right? Well, I guess so. But, you know, once you once you have a few13:56 piles, your wife usually is going, can you give me the code to all this?14:00 So has Jean accepted this about you?14:03 I think well, you know Jean's solution was, why don't you just do your own laundry?14:09 So I do. I do my own laundry.14:11 It's a good solution, actually, because I know what I need when I need it for a trip or something like that. But some of this is lighthearted, but it can be really big friction. I think my question to piggyback on what14:22 John was talking about, you know, we've done some programs where we talk about being in the marital rut. So it's it is I'll use the word. It's kinda stupidity that we keep doing the same things and14:33 expect different outcomes, much like your experience when the lord laid that vision on you of, you know, serving your spouse, serving your wife. So why don't we or why are14:45 we slow to lean into doing something differently? And for Christians, informed by scripture, trying the things that Jesus suggested we do, especially in our marriage to14:57 serve 1 another. Why are we so slow as human beings to do those things?15:03 You know, I think we're creatures of habit, and we have before we got married, we had a lot of habits about various and sundry things. So I think that because we are creatures of habit, we tend to just15:15 stay in the rut that we were we grew up with. You know? I grew up, for example, washing dishes. My mother taught me how to wash dishes. You know? And when the dishwashers came along, because we didn't have 1 in the15:27 early days of my life, dishwashers came along. I learned how to load a dishwasher so everything gets clean and nothing gets broken. You know? And and my wife loads the dishwasher like she was playing Frisbee, you15:39 know, just throwing it all in there. And I and I tried to negotiate with her. You know? Honey, if you these 2 spoons with peanut butter between them, they're not gonna get clean, honey. And these glasses, the way you've15:50 got them in there, the the glasses are gonna break.15:53 That's sad.15:53 You know, I tried and and you should try to negotiate, but there's some things that they will not change or cannot. Again, maybe maybe what she said to me was, honey, I don't have time to load16:05 the dishwasher while I'm cooking.16:08 Oh, okay.16:09 Okay? So I've got a little insight there on that. You know? And then 1 day, she finally said, honey, if it's so important to you, why don't you just load the dishwasher? Just what your wife said to you about the clothes.16:20 Okay?16:21 It's a good So16:21 Good tactic.16:22 I said, well, honey, I could. You know, I could now. But, you know, honey, some nights right after dinner, I have to go back to the church for a meeting. And and so on those nights, I couldn't load it. And she said,16:30 well, I don't mind loading it. And I'm thinking, I know you don't, but I've gotta unload it in the morning because I was the morning person already. You know? But here here's something I learned, Jim. What is the16:42 difference between between couples who thrive in the 2nd 0.5 and those who just survive? And 1 thing we found out is they have come not only to accept those things16:53 where they differed, but they've come to laugh about them.16:58 That's good.16:58 So now if my wife does load the dishwasher and I open it in the morning, I look in there and laugh. The spoon the the the knife lying this way instead of like this. You know?17:08 Oh, yeah.17:08 And and and the glass laying on its side. You know? And I look in there now and just laugh. You know?17:13 Oh, of course. I mean, that's part of it. You know, 1 of the things that people respond to us, and we welcome everyone's response. It's great to have dialogue from those listening or watching on YouTube.17:25 But when we talk about arguing in a marriage, some people will respond and say, you know, if you're a Christian couple, you really shouldn't argue. So I started to call it deep discussions or deep disappointments or17:37 whatever just to not trigger people. But speak to that idea of couples that we've never argued. We've never had a fight, Gary. I I'm sure they exist. I don't know if that's17:49 supernatural or if it's just 1 person rolls over a lot and says, yeah, whatever. I don't care. Describe that. You've probably counseled couples that have said that to you. No. We never fight.18:01 But that's not necessarily a mark of healthiness.18:04 Maybe maybe outside the office, people that don't go for counseling, they might say that. And it may be true as you say it. I I don't know. It may be true. But I don't I don't think it's necessarily healthy. I think the18:15 reality is we are going to have differences.18:18 Mhmm.18:19 Yeah. So so some way we're handling those things, and maybe it's what you say it. Maybe 1 of them is just kinda easygoing and well, honey, if that's the way if that's the way you wanna do it, just just go ahead. It it's18:30 okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. And maybe that's why they don't have fights because 1 of them just, you know, just lets the other person do what they wanna do. But to me, that's not a healthy relationship. If you18:40 have feelings over here and ideas over here, far better to share those with each other. You know, you share your perspective, she shares her perspective. We're on a team. And it's not that 1 person always gets to do what18:52 they wanna do. We share each other's ideas, try to listen to each other, see their perspective. Because sometimes after we really see their perspective, we can honestly say, well, you know, honey, I think it's best I19:04 think what you have in mind is the best way to go on that. I really do. So that's fine. Let's do that. But it wouldn't always turn out that way. Sometimes we're gonna meet in the middle. You know? And so, well, how about19:15 this? You know? It it kinda helps both of us, and both of us feel good doing it that way.19:19 I think a light test of this is for the couple to say, what do you wanna have for dinner tonight? And the the spouse says, I don't care. And then you say, okay. How about Chinese? I don't want Chinese.19:31 Now you're on the road to conflict. This is good.19:34 Maybe you end up at a19:35 burger place or something. But, I mean, that's that's the kind of thing we're talking about. You know, Gary, I wanna make sure we capture the art of the apology as you've talked about it too because you're tipping in19:46 that direction now. You know, so often when you apologize, and I'm sure everyone listening has had this experience where you say, yeah. I'm sorry. And people walk away going, he wasn't really19:57 sorry, or they feel like, nah. That wasn't a genuine apology. So how when you really mean it, how how do you apologize in a way that isCovenant Love vs. Contract Marriage 20:09 convincing?20:10 I think what we have to recognize is that not only do people have a love language, they have an apology language. I wrote a whole book on that, but I recapping in this book that we're talking about today, a simple guide20:22 to a better marriage, is to realize that what youth have a the idea you have as to what a sincere apology is like is probably different from your spouse. We typically learn from our parents20:34 how to apologize. If our parents taught us, you know, he pushes his little sister and the parent says, honey, you don't push sister. Go tell her you're sorry. So he says, I'm sorry, even if he's20:45 not. He's 23 now. In his mind, if he does something to offend his wife, he's gonna say, I'm sorry. That's all he was ever taught. The fact is we just got we asked thousands of people 2 questions.20:58 When you apologize, what do you typically say or do? When someone's apologizing to you, what do you wanna hear them say and do? And their answer is fell into 5 categories. And so these21:10 are 5 ways to apologize. And if you don't apologize in the way that's meaningful to them, they don't see it as sincere. And that's what we're trying to judge whether they're sincere. So 1 of them just21:21 quickly, 1 of them is I'm sorry. It's expressing regret, but tell them what you're sorry for, not just the words I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled my I I lost my temper and yelled at you. I'm sorry. Whatever. Tell them what21:33 you're sorry for. And the 2nd 1 is accepting responsibility. I was wrong. Should not have done that. I take full responsibility. The 3rd 1 is offering to make restitution.21:46 How can I make this right? What can I do to make this right? For some people, if you don't ask that, you're not sincere. If you were sincere, you'd wanna make it right. And then the 4th 121:57 is, expressing the desire to change your behavior. It's the it's the biblical word repentance. Turn away from that behavior. I had a lady tell me just just recently. She said,22:10 every time he apologizes, he says, honey, I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt you. And he does the same thing the next week, and he comes back and says the same thing. She said, if he were if he were sorry, he22:20 would try to change his behavior. So she's she's begging for him to express the desire. I don't wanna keep doing this. And then the last 1 is actually requesting forgiveness. Will you forgive me? Or I hope you can22:32 find it in your heart to forgive me. I have to be honest. That 1 was not on my radar. Mhmm. I thought you would know if I'm apologizing in any manner, I'd wanna be forgiven. But some people, they're waiting for you to22:44 ask for forgiveness. So if you wanna be sincere, you can learn all 5 of these. You're bound to hit it. But you and your spouse can sit down and talk. Honey, what do you consider to be a sincere apology? And I can22:55 guarantee you, most couples have never even talked about that topic.22:58 No. That's what I'm gonna do.22:59 Consider to be a sincere apology. And you may be shocked at what you hear, but it will give you valuable information on how to apologize in a meaningful way.23:10 Allow me to interrupt for a moment to say how much I appreciate you watching. If you find value in this content, please subscribe by clicking below. It'll be a big help. Now let's get back to the show.23:23 I think we have a very contract based culture. You know, we just learn to do that, keep your receipts and take something back, and, you know, you did then. If then, if you do this,23:34 then I will behave this way. And then we take that right into marriage, you know, kind of that contract orientation rather than what God is expecting in that covenant relationship.23:46 Most of us as Christians may not even know the distinction. Talk about contract versus covenant.23:52 Yeah. I think, our culture is a contract culture, and there's nothing wrong with contracts. You know, you can drive this car or if you pay the monthly bill. You know? Right. There's nothing wrong with contracts. We we24:03 make them in our culture all the time. But I think when we take marriage in that with that attitude, and many people do, you know, I'm in this for you to make me happy.24:15 You make me happy. I'm here. Many of the divorces that take place in our country is because a person gets to the place where they feel like you're not meeting my needs, you're not making me happy, you're24:27 not loving me, then I'm out of here. It's a contract. I was I I'm here for you to make me happy. I'm here for you to make my meet my needs. If you don't meet my needs, then I'm gone. The Bible24:39 is not a contract mentality. It is a covenant relationship. 1st of all, a covenant is always made for the benefit of the other person. God made a covenant with Noah and24:51 saved his whole family. God made a covenant with Abraham, the promise. So it's it's a it's a decision we make for the benefit of the other person. Now I admit most people do not enterShow more In this video 0:00 Embracing Patience and Healthy Conflict11:00 The Art of Apology and Languages20:00 Covenant Love vs. Contract Marriage25:00 Connection, Balance, and Thriving38:00 Connection, Balance, and Thriving44:36
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