Skip to content How Everyday Messes Can Help Teach Your Kids to Get Along with Justin Whitmel Earley May 20 · 25 min ...more
How Everyday Messes Can Help Teach Your Kids to Get Along with Justin Whitmel Earley
May 20, 2026 · 25 min
Series Focus On The Family Support this leader Liking this video? Support this ministry.
Support this leader
Liking this video? Support this ministry.
Give
Support this leader Liking this video? Support this ministry.
81.2K followers
Your trusted guide for overcoming the unique challenges faced by today’s families, with Biblically-sound marriage and parenting help that’s relatable, practical, and engaging!
81.2K followers
Pause Prayers and Structured Spaces 0:03 Nobody thinks I I wanna be the kind of dad the night who yells their kids to bed. But so many of us do that because of our instinctual responses to the mess and the chaos.0:16 Welcome. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me back.0:22 You mentioned a lot about broken windows and broken stuff and dry walls. That's right. Glad you're part0:28 of the club. Well, I I think I mentioned last time, we moved into a new house about a year and a half ago. And by the end of, I think, 7 months, we had 7 holes in the drywall, 1 broken window. So the big mess is somewhat0:39 autobiographical for us.0:41 So being dads here at the table, I gotta ask you. What's the biggest mess you remember your 4 boys doing to the house?0:48 Oh my gosh. What?0:50 You have to think about it.0:51 Yeah. It's good. Yeah. I have to think about it. I I mean, the the the huge hole in the drywall, the the second, I think, week we moved in was a big 1 because they're just chasing each other upstairs, rammed through a1:03 door. And, you know, it's my beautiful new house we we had just bought, and the doorknob goes straight through the drywall. And so that that 1, you know, kinda hit me hard. And then I remembered, this is easy to fix.1:14 This is easy to fix. That's what I was try I try to remind myself.1:16 That's such an important lesson for dads right there. So You know, 11:20 of the things that I think about a lot, and I actually wrote this as the inscription in my parenting book, Habits of the Household, that, you know, it's better to raise whole children than to repair broken men and women.1:31 And a lot of times when I think about the mess in the household, and and this is goes for the the conflict and the mess, you know, it's helpful to remember that your real job here is relationships. Your real job is1:41 raising kids who have whole relationships.1:44 Now you don't just come out of the womb knowing that. No. How did you learn that this was the priority? Because we dads, I mean, breaking stuff around the house, I mean, it's spelling on the carpet. I remember meeting a1:55 man. It was, part of his testimony through the resilient kids program that we have in public schools, and he said, I just didn't know how to be a dad. When my daughter spilt the milk, all I knew2:07 to do was to spank her. And going through the program, you said, I realized that you show grace2:13 and forgiveness. Yes. This I mean, so this was my entry point to writing about parenting and and is also the reason why I came to write The Big Mess. It's because and 12:25 night, I'm putting my 4 boys to bed. And putting 4 boys to bed is exactly what you think it's like. Right? I mean, just total chaos. It's a total mess. But that mess is always the guise of also the relational mess2:36 because there's bathwater on the floor. I'm frustrated. I remember yelling my children to bed Yep. And then saying, God loves you and so do I, and close the door like short prayer. And I I was standing in the hallway. I2:48 was an author. I'd and a lawyer already. I'd written a book about spiritual habits and how they shape our, you know, spirituality, and I'm thinking I also have this other habit of yelling my kids to bed every night. And2:59 that was the time where I started to think, oh my goodness. I've gotta get better at dealing with the relational mess in the house. Because, because otherwise, I'm gonna become the dad who's always trying to yell them3:11 into good behavior. Mhmm. And guess what? That doesn't work. And they're gonna remember me as somebody who just cared about getting things in order rather than who I actually wanna be. And that is like Jesus who comes3:21 into the mess of our relationships as we are and says, I love you, and I'm gonna call you forward. Yeah. And that was the beginning of writing about habits of the household, which is my parenting book. And the big3:33 mess is really an iteration of that for children to remind parents and kids that it's in the mess of family life that we do the wonderful thing that we're called to, and that is love God and love each other.3:45 So we gotta figure out how to do that in the mess, not outside of it.3:48 Let me ask you this because it's really the important point, as dads and moms too. A lot of moms are listening, and, this is a mom and dad show.3:58 Mhmm.3:58 But the the idea of kind of rethinking that, there are things that we learn as children that we carry forward. It's in our DNA, literally. And, and then we have4:10 behavioral things that we experienced as children. So that wiring Yes. When we get older and our kids are a little out of sorts, so they're having fun and giggling when they shouldn't be giggling4:22 and throwing things when they shouldn't be throwing things and we just spark up. We're like, stop that. Knock that off. Don't do that now. And then you walk away from that going, why was I so hard about that stuff? How4:33 do you how do you replace that with thoughtful adult thinking Yes. In the moment, daddy thinking,4:39 to4:40 be able to deescalate that and just say, I'm glad you guys are having fun. Can we now think about going to bed?4:45 There there you go. So I found in parenting in these moments that I was unable to think my way out of a problem that I didn't think my way way into. I reacted to these things out of instinct. It was habit4:57 that I barked at my kids and that I I, you know, nobody thinks I I wanna be the kind of dad tonight who yells their kids to bed. Like, nobody thinks that. But But so many of us do that because of our instinctual5:07 responses to the mess and the chaos. And I found that fighting habit with habit was actually a grace where the the Lord, you sort of invited me to see that, hey, you can actually plan out ahead of times.5:19 Here's some ways I might respond to this. And 1 of the huge ones for me, and I I recommend this with, parents trying to help their kids reconcile and moments of discipline, huge habit that helped me is the habit of5:31 pause prayers. Where so before I go into, oh, I need to address this moment, you know, discipline or something happens, just very briefly, very and I'm talking very, very briefly. Just pray. Yeah. Just literally say,5:41 Lord, help me be more like you than me in this moment. Okay? Jesus.5:45 It's a good start.5:46 Yeah. And I mean, it sort of seems basic like, oh, pray. Right? Well, that's because prayer is powerful. But on the other hand, it's you're fighting habit with habit because you're practicing a new way of interrupting5:56 your old habit and then going through it to a different route. And so this is addressing the way God made your body and brain to say, I wanna be somebody different in moments of discipline. And Paul's prayers have been6:05 enormously helpful for me.6:07 Yeah. You know, in that regard, temperaments of children are very different, and our 2 sons were very different. I'm sure you see that with your 4 sons.6:14 Yes.6:15 I had the hardcore guy who could not be told anything.6:19 Mhmm.6:20 And then I had the really tender guy that if you looked at him wrong, oop, he melted.6:25 That's right.6:25 And and the point I wanna make is a serious 1 because I think a tenderhearted child, shame is so easily applied to themselves. When when you're correcting their behavior, you have6:37 to go out of your way.6:39 Yes.6:39 To say, now I'm not speaking about who you are and how God made you. It's just what you did6:44 That's so good.6:45 Was unacceptable. Creating moments. And again, I'm not you know, everybody can create these moments, but you need to be mindful of it. I think as a dad, I was pretty mindful about trying to be on top of6:57 those moments. You never know when they're going to spark. It could be on the way to a camping trip. It could you know, whatever. I know you For us,Liturgies of Bedtime and Reconciliation 7:05 it's like hourly. That. You used to7:07 talk to Jean about that because she was much more into formal devotional time with the kids, start at 7, go to 7 30. Yeah. You know? And that's good. You need structure. I was more like in the car Yes.7:19 Talking stories. Yeah. But in that regard, you and your son, you had a story about, playing the guitar7:27 Yes.7:27 And having a chitchat. Yeah. But how did that go down? How old was your son when this happened?7:32 Well, that that's this is a recent story, actually. So he's 13 when that happened. 13? And I think about that because I've thought a lot about those structured times in the younger years. You know, how you structure7:43 moments to come out of family devotion or to come out of nighttime prayer. It's so so helpful Yeah. For the younger year.7:48 Both are good. Good.7:49 Oh, 0, so wonderful. But as kids get older, and most parents intuit this, you it it becomes a little more freeform. What you're trying to do, and I think this is what I think about a lot, right? I'm learning about it7:59 right now, is structuring space instead of structuring content. So in the younger years, and we still do this because I still got a 6 and 8 year old boy in the house, we're structuring a bedtime liturgy, a bedtime8:09 prayer, you know, and everybody's doing a family devotion once a week as messy as they are. But recently, I'm finding with my 13 year old, if I really want him to engage, what I'm what I need to do is structure8:21 space and time for him to engage. So recently, I I was trying to pull some information out of him because I heard from another dad that something had happened to school, and I'll respect privacy by not saying what that8:30 was. It wasn't too bad. But I was like, I wanna talk to him about this. And, I asked him, you know, at family dinner, you know, did anything happen at school? Nothing. And then No. That night, I was like, hey. You wanna8:41 stay up late and play the guitar together? He was like, yeah. So he's learning, and I I play at an amateur level. And we're both just, like, plucking and trading ideas. And about half an hour in, he kind of, like, rests8:52 his hand on the guitar, and he says, hey. Can I tell you something? And I was like, sure. And we talked about it. It was exactly what I was hoping. And, you know, every time, it doesn't work this well. Right? But9:04 but structuring space where we could be kind of side to side looking at at something else. This and this could be a walk or a hike or throwing the baseball or football, playing guitar. But I find with with the older9:15 boys, structuring spaces where they they get pulled out into those intentional moments of conversation.9:20 I think that's really good. And, you know, unfortunately, I don't know that we as parents appreciate differences that way. And I I think for spouses, we need to appreciate God9:32 bringing you together as a couple, then you have children.9:35 Yes.9:35 And use both of your strengths9:38 Yes.9:38 To do the things that really help your children to thrive.9:41 And I think we see both reflected in the life of Jesus. I mean, he walks with his disciples and talks and talks and talks, and then he also sometimes just teaches. Right. And both are super valid ways. But you you gotta9:53 be a student of your child as a parent.9:54 Justin, you mentioned liturgies. This is something I'm really kind of learning about. What what's an example? Give us a demonstration or or or tell us a little bit about liturgy at bedtime.Brother's Hug and Modeling Grace 10:04 Sure. Yeah. I this actually comes from the story I mentioned earlier where I was wrestling with the chaos and the mess of bedtime and realizing that I was as misbehaved as everybody else because I'm reacting to the10:16 chaos with such anger. And I I think of liturgies as things that we do over and over, you know, in church services or quiet times, you know, semi consciously to unconsciously. Like, many of us could10:28 close our eyes and recite the Lord's Prayer and not think about it at all. But we were formed by it. Right? So it's not necessarily a problem that it's semi conscious to unconscious. And when I think about that, I had10:39 the epiphany at some point as a writer on habit that this is almost identical to the definition of habit. Habits are things we do over and over, semi consciously to unconsciously, and they shape who we are big time. The10:50 big difference is that liturgies admit they're about worship. Habits often obscure what we worship, but that doesn't mean we're not worshiping. Right? Our ordinary household routines are filled with moments of worship.11:02 The question is just to what? And I realized that my, quote, unquote, liturgies of bedtime were odes of worship to rush and control and hurry up and let me11:13 relax, just go to bed. And so when I was got convicted about that 1 night after yelling my voice to bed, I decided, let me do some intentional work and try to reshape this moment. So we wrote a bedtime liturgy.11:25 You wrote 1.11:26 Yeah, it sounds more formal than it is It was just a series of back and forth little questions I would say you see my eyes and the boys would say yes I'd say you see that I see your eyes and say yes. Do you know that11:38 I love you? Yes. You know I love you no matter what bad things you do? Yes. You know I love you no matter what good things you do? Yes. And then I'd end with who else loves you like that? They'd say, God does. Then I'd11:49 say rest in that love. You know, it sounds sentimental. First time, it was total chaos.11:54 You know? Daddy loves me. They said,11:57 do you see my eyes? And they'd start poking each other in the eyes as I asked them, you know, do you know that I love you no matter what bad things you do? They thought hard and were like, no. Right? No. Because we need12:05 to behave for you to love us. Right? It was terrible. But through practice, we kinda got it down. Yeah. And it happens a lot less formal than you think. But the neat thing was a couple weeks later, we practice12:17 this every evening. And I had a moment where just as chaotic bedtime as normal, but I realized I was way different because I was driving towards a different habit. And it had reshaped my12:29 interactions. And and we had this beautiful exchange about the grace of Jesus who loves us in the midst of our mess, our bad and good deeds. And that was a light bulb moment for me that you could look at household12:40 routines and approach them intentionally, and that the most ordinary things like waking or sleeping or moments of discipline could become spiritual liturgies to the god who actually loves us in the mess. And a lot of12:51 my parenting and writing since then has been about that.12:55 No. That's so good. And your children, they're blessed to be in that household, actually, if you think about it. The children's book, The Big Mess, I think lends itself to solving13:07 sibling rivalry.13:08 Yeah. Yeah. You got13:09 the mouse and the moose, and they're going at it. Yeah.13:12 They're the best.13:13 Is creating these wonderful delicious treats, and the moose the other child keeps knocking them over and knocking them down. Speak to that idea of how to help bring harmony13:25 into sibling rivalry. Yeah. And that's typical. In our case, we were really blessed. Our boys, they had their normal, you know, skirmishes, but they're pretty limited. And they they now would say they're 113:36 another's best friends.13:38 That's a13:38 good thing.13:39 It's a beautiful thing.13:40 But, you have to be mindful of it.13:42 Oh, yes. And I mean, this is on the first couple pages of the Bible. Right? That siblings don't necessarily get along. Yeah.13:49 No kidding.13:49 And it can go bad. It is no guarantee that families become friends. Right? And a lot of what I'm trying to do in the big mess is give people just a little way to think about14:01 sibling reconciliation. And because I think stories, Jim, are so important that you read over and over and you internalize them. Right? And stories are powerful. And I wanted to give children and parents14:13 a little story of reconciliation so that we could both internalize that, hey, that's what families do. Right? Again, the market for Christian family is not that you don't have conflict. It's that you reconcile. And I14:24 want kids to see that, too. And so, you know, the the big mess is just about a big brother mouse who makes fantastic dessert creations think about your child who makes the Lego creations or does all the projects you know14:36 you most families have 1 child who gets into it and then most families also have another child who just seems to accidentally mess everything up all the time, sometimes intentionally maybe, and that's Moose. He comes in14:46 in increasingly fantastic blunders. Because remember, we're trying to keep children's attention. Right? So we have desserts in this book that are crashing and smashing. Moose just accidentally messes up all of mouse's14:57 creations. And the turn in the book comes when after mouse gets really, really frustrated with his brother and tries to avoid him, you know, he finally decides, you know what? What if I made something that was made to be15:08 smashed? And he invites his younger brother into his creation by saying, come make a mess with me. Okay? And so this is, again, supposed to be really fun with kids. So they build a huge ice cream sundae that15:20 then they launch Moose out of a slingshot. I mean, we're getting fantastic here. He lands on a see seesaw, explodes the ice cream sundae, and the whole neighborhood catches ice cream, you know, banana splits raining down15:31 from the sky. So I'd15:32 like to give that a try.15:33 And I I had a I had a moment with my kids actually recently. This was just, I think, last week where they were, they were they were getting frustrated or fighting about something. I honestly can't remember. And I said,15:43 hey. Why don't you invite your little brother into it? You know, make it fun for him. And he literally looks at me and goes like, oh, like mouse in the story. Yeah. And I was like, oh, my gosh. Like, it worked with my15:54 kids. You know, you you habits and stories go together because we read them over and over. We do them over and over. And when you're reading kids a story over and over, they'll start to it might take a while, but they'll16:05 start to connect. And that and that's why I wanted to get parents a good, fun story that their kids would say, read it again. Yeah. Because I wanna give them internalized little heroes of reconciliation, like, little16:16 examples of, oh, I could be like that.16:17 Yeah. That's so so good. You encourage your boys to hug each other after an argument. Now that's good too. That's like saying please and thank you and sorry.16:26 Yeah.16:27 So how's that work?16:28 Yeah. Yeah. John asked a couple minutes ago about liturgies in the house, and we have what we call a liturgy of reconciliation. We call it the brother's eye.16:36 Look me in the eye.16:37 Yes. Yeah. We do. So most families, and I think this is really healthy, have a way of saying, you know, you need to apologize. You need to forgive. And I really think that's wonderful. I think you should. But I foundPrioritizing Intentional Parenting 16:48 that often our kids, after saying, I'm sorry. I forgive you. They were looking at the ground, looking frustrated, you know. And I I thought, we're not reconciled here. So we started doing this thing where we said, hey.16:59 Alright. Now you need to do a brother's hug. And that's where they had to hold on to each other for as long as it takes until not 1, but both of them started smiling. And very quickly, and this is for younger17:11 kids, it work works the best. I noticed that it really helped them because about 4 or 5 seconds of holding on to each other, they started to get playful again. They started to wiggle. They started to wrestle. And I I17:23 actually subsequently found out that holding on to another human for a hug, I think about 8 seconds releases these brain hormones that encourage bonding. Yeah. Interesting. There's a lot you know, God made the body.17:33 Right? I I didn't know this at the time, but it was a way for them to embody reconciliation, and it still does because we need embodied ways to come back together in the family, embody17:46 ways to to enact what Jesus has done for us, and that is reconcile us back into his love.17:52 Yeah. Along those lines, Justin, I'm so glad you're talking about this because we had too many situations where we would just tell the kids work it out. Right? I mean, so Yeah. We wanna demonstrate We're busy.18:03 Well, yeah.18:04 If you get a certain number, there is chaos. Yeah. So modeling grace. Talk about the importance of modeling grace.18:10 Mhmm.18:11 Because I I think if I were to have a redo, I would start with a little more grace for myself. As you said, Jim, it's just too much for 1 person to do well, but, also, I'd wanna help my kids18:23 do what you were describing there, help each other and give each other some slack.18:27 Well, you know and I think about this a lot. I talk to parents about it a lot. So I I'll give you 3 quick habits that I actually think are incredibly helpful here. 1 is the pause prayers that I mentioned earlier. For you18:38 to pause and pray is extraordinarily different. It's just a different way to approach it, and it helps you re encounter Jesus's grace before you go into that moment. Okay? Then for you to help your children18:50 do some liturgy of reconciliation, figure out what helps them show grace to each other. You know, it might be a brother's hug or it might be a a walk or something else. But I do think there's something to be said. This19:01 would be the third 1 of helping them learn to work it out. So think about this as they get older. I often tell parents now, if they're, you know, let's say 4 or 5, 6, they're getting older and you hear a fight breaking19:13 out, just wait a minute because you've been trained by the younger years to run-in and intervene, and that's that's good and fine. But 1 of the things that we want to do is train and kit our kids, teach them to start to19:24 learn to negotiate conflict, negotiate, compromise, and forgive each other. Right. And they actually need space to do that. So 1 of the things I do with my boys now, and I have to encourage my wife sometimes, wait, give19:35 them give them a second. They might work this out. And, you know, and if it's going badly, if it's going towards, you know, a fistfight, then, like, obviously, I'm going to run and break it up. But if it's if it's and19:43 this you know, obviously, it happens. But but if I think no. They're learning to work it out now. I might come up and say, hey, boys. I'm gonna give you 3 minutes. I'm gonna come19:54 back, and I wanna hear the fair, gracious compromise that you came to. And I'll look at the older 1, and I'll say it has to be fair. And then I'll I'll come back in 3 minutes. And I'll say, you know, if you didn't figure20:04 out, I'm gonna have to take the toy away or something. And I think it dignifies them with the ability to say, all right, I'm gonna figure out how to solve this and helps them learn that to give grace to the other because20:15 somebody's gonna have to give and somebody's gonna have to take. And so that's just a little way of helping them learn to do it. And obviously, this is parenting, right? You're helping them along. You're walking them20:23 towards it.20:24 Mhmm.20:24 And, you know, if you're not modeling it, it's not gonna go well. So this could be a whole another conversation. But if you wanna think really hard about this, think about what they see when they're looking at you and20:35 your spouse.20:36 Mhmm.20:36 You know, when I'm talking to Lauren, that probably the most important thing that I'm gonna teach them about negotiating conflict, compromising, being gracious is how I talked to Lauren. So I think a lot about that. You20:47 know, when I'm talking in front of them or not, they're watching that.20:50 Yeah. That's good. That's convicting. It is. But it is good. And, I'm thinking of the parent right at the end here, Justin, who is saying and, again, we can use these as excuses, but21:02 you're an attorney. You're busy. You're doing things. You're writing children's books.21:06 Yeah.21:06 I mean, so you've got your plate full, but you've got your eye on the right ball. So in that regard, how do we prioritize so we don't fall back on that excuse to21:18 say, I'm so busy. I don't have time to do all those things or be that mindful about it.21:23 Yeah.21:24 I think we could just do it naturally. The kids will turn out okay.21:27 Yeah.21:28 You know what I'm saying here.21:29 Yeah. I I would remind people of just 2 principles, and and 1 is to do nothing is to do everything. So that means if you're just saying, I'm too busy. I can't do that. Let's let it let it happen naturally. Well,21:41 you're saying, I'm not gonna do anything, which means you're basically gonna submit to the modern American culture of discipleship, which is to disciple you in this busy, chaotic, anxious21:53 churn of activity and21:55 Screen time.21:56 Not in screen time and not paying attention. And so to say, like, I don't have time for this is to say that you do have time for someone else's discipleship. So I I would admit that, you know, I'm a22:08 quote unquote busy, stressed person. I mean, I run a law practice, write books, and I came out this through failure. Right? So it was by realizing that, oh my gosh. If I do nothing, I'm gonna end up the angry, anxiousShow more In this video 0:00 Pause Prayers and Structured Spaces7:00 Liturgies of Bedtime and Reconciliation10:04 Brother's Hug and Modeling Grace16:48 Prioritizing Intentional Parenting22:12 Prioritizing Intentional Parenting
Comments No comments yet. Start the conversation.
Comments
Keep it kind. Comments are public.