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Pastor Jeff Schwarzentraub serves as president of Pastor Jeff Ministries, a national and global ministry designed to equip believers and challenge them to take
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The Foundation of Marriage 0:00 To us. Would you pray with me? Our father in heaven, we give you all glory, honor, praise, and thanks for who you are. What a privilege it is to gather with your people to worship your name because you and you alone are0:10 worthy of all of our praise. Lord, we thank you for your living active word because we as a people believe that every time your word is faithfully and accurately proclaimed, that you are speaking. That means we can hear0:22 you talk directly to us. So our prayer this morning is, speak Lord for we are ready to hear. And And so now for all those who have gathered, who desire to hear the Lord Jesus Christ speak directly to you, who will0:33 believe what he tells you, and who will by faith put into practice what he shows you, will you agree with me very loudly this morning by saying the word, amen. Amen. Last week, we began our Families0:44 Fortified series, and we started in Genesis chapter 1. And we started with how God created us. How God made the world in 6 literal days, and on day 6, how he created humankind. And we talked about how God created0:56 humankind in his image. Really important because we bear the image of God. And then we talked about how he created us either male or female, and how our gender derives our purpose in this world. And1:08 then we talked about how our mission was to create and establish families. And then we talked about how God gives us the resources to do all of that. And that's where we begun as an overarching view of this family1:17 series. Well, what we wanna do today is come back and talk about what happens when you get married. How is what is going on there, and how do we fight for what God has created? I wanna1:29 let you know in this message, if you're single, if you're married, if you've been divorced, if you're widowed, if you have any desire to be in a marriage, whether your marriage is sizzling, you say it can't get any1:40 better, or whether your marriage is in the tank, and you say, I don't even know if this is gonna work out. I believe God has a word for you today. If I were single, if I'd have been 12 years old, 20 years old, I wish I1:50 would have heard this message before I got married. Because I wanna highlight 5 truths about marriage today. Because when you get married, you make a vow to2:02 oneness. So I want to invite you to open your bible up to Genesis chapter 2. We're gonna be in verses 24 and 25. Genesis chapter 2 verses 24 and 25, and we'll2:14 use that as our text as we launch today's message. Now here's what's going on in Genesis chapter 2. By the time we get down to that chapter, we see what went on on day 6. That God2:26 created the man first, placed him in the garden to work. We talked about a man's role was to provide and protect, and then he said this, it isn't good for man to be alone. That means this, men,2:38 you need help. You're you're better with someone than you are by yourself. After everything God said, he created, he said, that's good, that's good, that's good. Let me tell you something that's not good. It's not good2:49 for you to be by yourself. So he created a companion from his rib, not from his head to be his boss, not from his foot so he could step on her, but from his rib so they could be united as 1. And3:01 when he sees Eve, he says, it's now flesh and my flesh, bone and my bones. She should be called woman. And notice what the verse says in Genesis chapter 2 verses 24 through 25. It says, for this reason well, what3:13 reason? For the reason that God created humankind in his image. For the reason that he created them male and female. For the reason that God wanted to establish family3:24 as the foundation for how he was gonna propagate his glory throughout the planet. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become 1 flesh.3:37 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Now if I were doing premarital counseling with you, if I was doing a tune up in your marriage, if your marriage was on the tank, this is the verse that we3:48 would go to. You get this verse right, you get everything right. You get this verse wrong, you get everything wrong. And what God wants you to know is that when you make vows, you make vows before him. And here's what4:00 happens when you make a vow, and a pastor officiates a wedding, and declares that you are husband and wife. What happens prior to that time is you live as singles. There are 2 individuals. The bride walks down the aisle4:12 to the groom. There are 2 individuals. And the biggest lie for singles is, although you're individuals, you should try to live as 1. You should share a phone bill. You you should share a bedroom. You should share a4:22 house. You you guys can get away with it. Pretend that you're 1, even though you're not 1. That's Satan's biggest lie. And it'll be okay, and it's not okay. Ideas4:34 is God makes you 1. You are 1. God sees you as 1 entity. He doesn't see you as 2 people that are doing things together, that are committed to each other. You became 1. You are4:46 1 flesh. And guess what the lie is once you say your I do's? To try to live as individuals. And if you don't see that, you won't thrive in your marriage. Because what you don't understand is4:58 what challenges will come. You don't know if there's gonna be a health challenge. That's why you say for in sickness and in health. You don't know if your life's gonna go well or not well. That's why you say for better5:06 or for worse. You don't know what kind of finances you're gonna have. That's why I say for richer or poor. You don't know what kind of kids you're gonna have. You don't know what kind of challenges you're gonna have. But5:14 if you fight for oneness, instead of fighting the challenges, you can get through anything by God's grace. If you fight as 2 individuals about the situation, you can end up ripping and severing5:26 this. And if God is for marriage, which he is, and God is for you in your marriage, which he is, what the devil wants to do is usurp that and break that. That's why he goes after Adam and5:38 Eve once God establishes their marriage. That's when he shows up in the story to pull them apart, to break them up, to come into the center. If you're married, you're 1.5:51 When you say your I do, you're as 1 as you'll ever be 1. Now, the question is, why are you 1? Because God wants to use your marriage as the Imago Dei, which is Latin for the image of God,6:03 to represent his glory on the planet, not just as 2 individuals, but as 1 entity. So the question becomes, what are the things that you must do to show and bear the image6:15 of God as a couple? And I wanna highlight 5 truths. Singles, you can work on most all of these 5 truths even before you get married. Most all of it. We'll tell you where you can't.6:27 Married people, you have opportunities for all 5 of these every single day. The better you are at these 5, the more your marriage will thrive. The worse you are at these 5, the more challenging your6:39 marriage will become. And I wanna tell you something else before we get started. I'm talking to you as a practitioner and not a professional. I'm talking to you as your pastor. I failed in all6:51 5. I'm growing in all 5. I haven't arrived in any of the 5 yet. So if you hear me tell a story, I'm gonna try to tell a story of how I'm still working on it, not how I've7:02 mastered it because I've not mastered any of this. And we won't master it until we get to heaven, but we can get better at all of it. So I want you to pay attention today and I want you to hear what the Lord has to say.7:14 And when we talk about God's plan for marriage, we're talking about a vow to oneness. God no longer sees you as 2 if you're married, but he sees you as 1. If you're single, he sees you as an individual, so stay an7:25 individual. But if you choose to get married, you're making a vow to be 1 with somebody else. That's why it's important that you choose somebody that loves the Lord and values you. Amen? So let me give you the first 17:36 here today. If you wanna have a vow to oneness, the first 1 that you're gonna need to keep oneness alive and to grow in oneness, is you're gonna have a regular opportunity for listening.7:48 Regular opportunity for listening. That's how you value 1 another. When you listen to 1 another, you value 1 another. That's why James 1 19 says, be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to8:00 become angry. Sometimes I feel like that verse was given directly to me. Right? Or how about in the book of Proverbs? Proverbs chapter 18 verse 13. He who gives an answer before8:12 he hears, it is folly and shame to him. In a marriage, you'll have an opportunity to listen. Now there's a difference, and I wanna highlight some of them, and you'll8:24 understand what this is between hearing and listening. Hearing goes like this. It means I I heard your words, but I may not value the 1 who is sharing them or what they are saying. I heard what you said. I8:36 I heard those words. Hearing is, I am now ready to respond and combat what is being said. I've been posturing myself while you've been talking, and now I'm ready to tell you what I8:48 think. Hearing is, I am considering my own opinions and how to interject them at just the right time while you are talking. Hearing means I'm ready to reenter the conversation with statements9:00 rather than with questions. Hearing means I am simply buying the time until I can persuade you that I am right and that you are wrong. And when you're being heard, here's how you're gonna feel. You will9:11 feel you will not feel free to share your deepest thoughts and convictions because you'll know you're not valued. You ever been heard by somebody? Could be somebody at the store. It could be your spouse. It could be a9:21 friend. It could be a child. They heard what you said, but they're not valuing what you said. They're not valuing you. They're not looking to ask more about it. They're not doing They heard it, but they're moving on from9:31 it. Or they're saying, you're wrong to think that. You're wrong to have that feeling or opinion. Listening is different. Listening means this, I value what you are saying because I value you.9:44 I care about you. So if you're gonna speak it, I'm gonna listen. Listening means I'm humble enough to learn from what you are saying. You know what? You may be saying something that I don't even agree with, but I need to9:55 hear what you say because you may be right, and I may need to hear it in a way I didn't know it before. Listening means I'm reserving my opinions until I fully understand where you're coming from because I may not have10:07 all the the data and details yet. Listening means I'm formulating other questions so I'll understand what's truly being said. While you're talking, I'm thinking about what other questions do I need to ask so I'll truly10:18 understand what's going on. Listening is I'm considering what is being shared could help shape the way I need to understand things. And when you're being listened to, here's how you'll feel. You'll feel you'll10:30 feel invited to freely share everything you wanna say knowing that you're appreciated and valued. And you know what that's like intuitively when you're when somebody's actually listening to you and you're sharing your10:39 story and like, let me ask you about that. And how long have you felt that way? And how long has it been going on? And hey, was it something I said that caused that? Or tell me a little bit more about this. And what10:48 could be done differently in the future so that you don't feel this? You know the difference between listening and hearing? If not, go to the DMV sometime. That's hearing. Right? You understand what I'm saying? You know10:59 this. And in a marriage, it's really easy to hear and not to listen. And it's our natural tendency to hear and not listen. That's why when you're meeting somebody for the first time and you ask them their name and 511:09 seconds later, you forgot it. Because you heard it, but you're not listening and you're not caring enough about them, and you're too busy wanting to tell them what your name is. And then you tell them your name11:21 is, like, I can't even remember what their name is. Why? Because listening is a skill, and listening demonstrates I value the person that's doing the talking. And no matter where you are on the scale, you can grow as a11:33 listener. Some of you are more naturally gifted to be a listener. It's how God created you. It's what he's done in your heart since you've been saved, and you naturally listen. Some of us, pastors, are better at making11:44 statements sometimes than we are at listening. And it takes extra grace to grow in that area. But to have a thriving marriage and to have thriving oneness, you need to be able to listen. And here what the book of11:56 Philippians says in in chapter 2, where it's talking about the humility of Jesus. And by the way, all the 1 anothers in the Bible apply to marriage as well as anything else. Listen12:05 to what12:05 he says in Philippians 2 3. Do nothing from selfish ambition or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, regard 1 another as more important than yourselves. That's listening. I'm hearing12:17 what you say because I value what you say, and I regard you as more important than me, so I really need to hear what it is that you're going to say. Here's a pro tip for you. Ask more genuine12:28 questions and continue to learn and be fascinated by your spouse. People, we're dynamic. Your spouse is dynamic. They're not the same person that you married 3 years ago, 5 years ago, 20 years ago, 40 years ago.12:40 Continue to ask questions. Continue to learn. Be fascinated about who they are. Be engaged by how God's growing them. Understand their preferences, their likes, their dislikes. I mean, be enthralled. Be engaged. Ask12:51 questions. Know them better than you know anybody else. That's how you show value and honor. And no matter how good of a listener you think you are, there's always room for growth. There's always room to learn more.13:03 It's fun for me in my marriage when I learned something about my wife, and I'm like, why didn't why didn't you ever tell me that? She's like, I didn't even think about it. I'm like, that's so cool. I I mean, you learn13:10 things that you didn't know, that you thought you knew, or they think differently now, or they share differently now, or they feel differently than what they felt before. Do you know what's going on? And the only way you13:20 can do that is by asking genuine questions. And if I'm a listener, I'm asking because I really care about what you're gonna say. If I'm just hearing, I'm just going through the motions because we're having a13:29 conversation. Have you ever been in a relationship in your marriage where you feel like you're not listening to me? You're you're not truly hearing my heart. You don't understand. We have room and opportunity every13:40 single day in our marriages, and you will if you choose to get married to listen better, to understand more, to value more. When you're listened to, you feel valued. When you're13:52 not listened to, you feel put off. If you want your relationship to thrive, listen more. Listen more. Appreciate it more. When somebody tells you something, even if you don't want to hear what they have to say.14:05 When your spouse tells you something, I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to know that. But I'm glad that I know that because it's valuable because that's how they truly feel. Listen to 1 another. And that's how14:15 you value 1 another. Let me give you a second point. In your marriage, you'll also have a regular opportunity for oneness when you show honor. Honor is when you14:27 preference 1 another. Honor is when you preference 1 another. In Romans chapter 12 and verse 10, it says this, be devoted to 1 another in brotherly love. Give preference to 114:38 another with honor. Means I'm gonna preference you. I'm gonna preference your likes, your dislikes. I'm gonna prefer you. I'm gonna defer to you a lot. If you always have to be right, it's going to14:50 be very difficult in your marriage. You have to show honor. You have to appreciate how the other person thinks, how the other person feels, how the other person's growing, what the other person is doing, and how to15:02 preference their opinions, how to put that forward. I know that's valuable to you, and I wanna see that happen for you. Preference 1 another. And the Bible says, even the son of man did not come to be served, but to15:13 serve and to give his life as a ransom for many. You you preference other people when you serve them. And it's so important in a marriage because if you don't show honor, it can hinder your15:25 relationship with the Lord. Because now that you're 1, it works out differently as you pray. I mean, think about this. In first Peter chapter 3 and verse 7, it says15:37 this, you husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman, and show honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life. Why?15:49 So that your prayers will not be hindered. If you're not showing honor to your spouse, God's not gonna listen to your prayers. It's powerful, isn't it? You have to show honor to your16:01 spouse. And women don't get all upset about that. She's the weaker vessel because she's a woman. Can I tell you what that means? I mean, imagine today if I was holding 1 of those 7 11 62 ounce thermoses that are made16:13 out of plastic and rubber, And in the other hand, I was holding a crystal chalice. Both of them are vessels. One's weaker than the other. The chalice is weaker, but you know what that16:24 means? It it it's more valuable. You you have to hold on to it different. You have to approach it different, handle it different. Women, you're like that chalice. Men, we're like the thermos.16:38 You can drop us, kick us. It's like no big deal. We're good. We're good. We're good. Women, you you can't talk to a woman that way. Men and women talk differently. We learn to talk differently. From the the time we're16:47 young, we talk differently. Men, we're very direct in what we say, and we don't really offend each other. Like, guys talk like this to guys. You know? Like, bro, you you've been you're you're kinda fat. What have you16:58 been doing? You've been eating a lot of chips? Or that was 1 of the stupidest things I've ever seen. Or when you did that, that was just dumb. And guys will say, yeah, it kinda was.17:10 Yeah, I've been eating too much. I need to work out. I've never seen women talk to each other that way. Never seen somebody enter through the worship center and be like, woman, man, you are fat. Y'all don't17:22 talk that way to each other. Right? Men and women, we talk different. We communicate different. We think different. It's why God created us. So we have to show honor to each other. And there's all17:34 sorts of different ways to show honor. Honor means to to to to bless with our words, to esteem highly. In Proverbs 31, you see the children rise up and17:45 bless their mother. They call her blessed, and the husband starts chiming in, like, no, no, no. There's many women out there, but you outshine them all. I'm I'm blessing you can bless your spouse with your words. Don't17:57 don't get in little groups where you do husband bashing and wife bashing. Never do that. You're gonna bless with your words. You're gonna bless with your speech. You're gonna bless with your time. 1 of the reasons that I18:06 bring my wife on the platform after every service when she's not home sick like she is today is because I'm showing honor to her. Because what you guys don't know that I know is I wouldn't stand here if she wasn't the18:17 woman that she is. If there's any good thing that you hear from the Lord on a Sunday, it's because I'm married to a woman that preferences me, that allows me to do what God's called me to do. She's great. Amen?18:30 And she needs to be shown honor. So we bless our wives with our words. We bless our wives with our actions. We bless our husbands with our words. We bless our husbands with our actions. And as it says, you know, a bell18:41 is not a bell until you ring it, and a song is not a song until you sing it. Well, a blessing is not a blessing until you speak it. Well, my spouse knows I love them. Have you told them? When's the last time you told18:52 them that? When's the last time that you told them why you believe that? I mean, you're showing honor. It's esteeming. It's praising. Do it through speech. Do it through your actions. And here's a pro tip for you.19:04 Love and bless your spouse for who they are rather than gripe about what they are not. You hear what I said? Love and bless your spouse for who they are rather than gripe about what they are not. When you're dating,19:17 the enemy blinds you and only lets you see all the good about the person that you're marrying. And there is a lot of good about the person you're marrying. But you don't see any of the other stuff, and you don't know any19:26 of their stuff yet because you're not married yet. And that's why every engaged couple is like, you don't get it. People that lived on the planet, we're the only 2 that have ever gotten it right. Like, we love it. You19:37 don't even know how much we love it. We're awesome together. Right? Because you're 2 individuals and saying, he's like, okay. Go for it. Go for it. And then you get married and you know what he does? He lets you have19:46 amnesia about the things that you loved, about why you got married, and start thinking about all the things that your spouse doesn't have. And your spouse has a lot of things that are valuable, and your spouse has some19:55 things they'll never have. So esteem them for what they do have and quit19:59 looking around for what they don't, and quit looking around for what they don't, and quit looking around for what they don't,20:00 and quit looking and quit comparing your spouse to somebody else that needs to have that. I know the things that I'm good at. I know the things I'm not good at. When we got married, we had a lot of pictures from our20:09 wedding. We're hanging them in our house. And I told my wife, I'm like, there's no way I'm hanging those pictures. There'll be 3 times as many holes as there are pictures on our wall. I said, call your dad. So she called20:21 her father, and she's I heard her on the phone. She said, dad, can you come over and hang those pictures? And I could hear his voice. I said, now Kim, you're married now and Jeff is your man. You should ask him to do20:31 that. And she's like, he's the 1 that told me to call you. I'll never hang pictures. I'm not good at hanging pictures. I'm never gonna be good at hanging pictures. She had a father that did20:43 everything and could build things and lived on a farm and could put engines back together. My brother the other day asked me because he was having some trouble with his laundry machine. He was making a joke when I was20:52 over at his house. And the whole thing was taken apart. He's like, Jeff, you wanna help me with this drum? I said, sure. I'll help you. It'll take me about 30 seconds. And I got on. It was lowes dot com, and I held up.21:01 You want 600 dollars, a thousand dollars, 1500? All you do is hit the button, bro. They'll come right out. Because that's how I fix things. What happens is you get married and you get21:13 married because you like certain things, but then you don't like those certain things after you get married. I loved my wife when we were dating because she's the most spontaneous fun person I've ever been around. She21:22 can live in the moment better than anybody. I love that. That's why I married her until we got married because then it was time to grow up and be on time. And I would tell her on Sunday morning, like, hey, we're we're21:33 leaving. She'd say, I'm almost ready. Almost ready meant give me about another 20 minutes. Almost ready to me means we're sitting in the car. And I don't know how many times we drove to church, and I'll be mad before we21:41 even got there because we're gonna be late, and I hate that.21:45 And I21:45 remember 1 time I was at a funeral. I was officiating, and her mom's best friend had died. And there were about 300 people in this small town, and they were at this school and this big gym and they had tables and food21:56 and everything. I was there and I greeted everybody very quickly and we talked and all this stuff. And then everybody started dwindling. I was telling Kim, hey, let's go. Let's go. And she was like, okay, just a minute22:05 and let's go. Let's go. Just a minute. At the end of the day, it was her dad standing next to me by a wall, and it was her mom and her and 1 other lady, and we were the only 5 people left. And I don't play poker very22:17 well, and I'm sure my face looked like, what the heck is going on here? And her dad just looked down at me with some great wisdom and said, don't worry. You'll get used to it. And I22:29 was so mad. I used to pray about that stuff. And you know what the Lord showed me? He took me to stories in the Bible where he would go to a place, and Jesus who had the most impressive ministry of anybody who's ever22:39 lived and then he had time to stay there for 3 or 4 hours or stay a couple extra days or spend time with people and God began to show me your wife's so much more relational than you and I value that more than I value22:50 your time. Can you just appreciate her for who she is? Change me. Right? So appreciate what the person brings and not what they don't have. Right? Because the enemy will always get they don't have this, they don't have23:02 they don't have everything. Jesus has everything. That's who you need to invite into your marriage. Your spouse doesn't have everything. Just esteem them for what they do have and value them for what they do have and23:11 quit looking around for what they don't. Amen? Amen. That's what he wants. And then when you preference them can I say another word about preference? It's really interesting because in premarital, we'll ask people, like,Show more In this video 0:00 The Foundation of Marriage23:16 Building Intimacy and Trust36:51 The Power of Prayer and Forgiveness
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