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In this video 0:00 The Foggy Window of Father Wounds3:22 Breaking the Cycle: Relationship First5:54 Dangerous Dad Action Steps
The Foggy Window of Father Wounds 0:00 Welcome back to the dangerous dead series. We're about to dive into power principle number 2. It's how to put your relationship over results. Now imagine yourself looking through a window. You're staring up0:12 into the sky. The filter of what you see through this window is directly determined by the influence or lack of influence from your father. Unfortunately, the window of most of us0:24 that we're looking through is foggy. It's cracked. Perhaps it's even broken. We have things like abandonment, insecurity, or results based affection, and other father wounds that become the filter0:36 with which we view our window. It's also the view that we look at as our heavenly father or to our heavenly father and our own role as a father. Now many kids who are0:48 fatherless will view their heavenly father through a filter of abandonment. They'll say things like, if my dad left me and he's my earthly father that I can see, how can I believe in a God that I cannot even see? And1:00 will he abandon me too? Another common filter is results based affection. Many of us know the experience of being approved for what we do. Very few of us know the experience of being loved for being1:11 just who we are. I have so many memories of playing catch. Football, baseball, basketball with my dad in the backyard as a kid. My dad coached or attended literally1:24 every single game I played from the time I started playing sports until the time I graduated high school. He constantly supported me by playing catch, throwing batting practice, shooting hoops, and playing football every1:34 chance we could get together. While my father was incredible about investing time with me, I came to understand he was also living through me and using my performance to validate his own insecurities.1:47 In the latter stages of high school, I started to become acutely aware of how my father reacted to my performance during games. I can remember football games where I played an almost flawless game. I even1:59 made the game winning tackle, yet he would criticize the 1 tackle I missed. He crushed me as a young boy. My performance wasn't up to his standards. There were times I would come home and he wouldn't2:10 even be there, or he wouldn't talk to me. It wasn't until my twenties or thirties that I really started to understand and found myself striving for career success. Titles, money, status,2:23 trying to prove something to everyone and I didn't know why. I also realized that although I'd given my life to Christ at a young age, my relationship with my Heavenly Father was also based on2:35 performance. I viewed my Heavenly Father through the same window of performance of love and affirmation, just like I had been shown from my earthly father. Took me years to discover that I had a father2:47 wound that was causing me to seek validation based on performance, and it was impacting the most important relationships in my life and holding me back from what God had for me as a father. This may not2:59 be your exact story. Perhaps your father wound is abandonment or abuse or neglect. We all have a father wound. And for your kid's sake, it's critically important that you discover3:10 what it is and have the courage to deal with it, to look deep down inside and to pull it out. I asked the Lord for forgiveness and he started the process of rebuilding our relationship together. IBreaking the Cycle: Relationship First 3:22 also began a process of forgiveness with my own father. It led to some of the best conversations that I've ever had with my dad and the opportunity to relive some fond and amazing memories together.3:35 Now as a father, it's easy for us to default to the symptoms of our father wound and to perpetuate the same wound with our own kids. In my role as a father, I was determined to create a way to3:46 place relationship over results and to bring my kids up in an environment where they receive love and affirmation for being my son and daughter and sons and daughters of the king. Practically speaking, the rule3:58 around our home is no matter what your performance is in the field, we're still going to get ice cream after the game. The only time I might ask my kids critical questions is if I believe they didn't give their best4:08 effort or there was a character issue that needs to be addressed. As a father, 1 of the most important things you can do for your kids is to build a healthy relationship and to give them a glimpse of what the4:20 relationship looks like with their heavenly father. This is why it's so important that you as a dad examine your father wound and understand if you're applying that onto your kids4:32 and what father wounds you may already have with your kids. Seek those out, and if you can fix those and mend them and achieve the healing, you will put the relationship over the results.4:44 Now we're gonna look at Nehemiah and examine how he also demonstrated the principle of putting the relationship over results. He demonstrated this while he was rebuilding the wall in Jerusalem.4:56 You see, Nehemiah heard the outcry of the poor Jews who had leveraged their fields. They'd mortgaged their homes to buy food during the famine. They were being charged interest by their fellow Jews and it was enslaving5:08 their children. It was also causing dissension amongst the other Jews. Nehemiah had the mighty task of rebuilding the wall and could have solely focused on the result of getting the wall done. And he took a deeper look5:19 at the culture and recognized that if 1 set of Jews were enslaving the other, it would harm the relationship. You see, you have the power to shape the filter by which your kids view5:31 their heavenly father. That is a huge responsibility. I hope you hear that. You have the ability to shape the lens with your with your kids view their heavenly father. You also have the ability to create a5:43 strong, healthy, and lasting relationship with your own kids. It all depends on if you're willing to look at putting the relationship over the results. Well, it's time for application,Dangerous Dad Action Steps 5:55 dads, and here's your next dangerous dad action step. Take a look in your past in order to identify your father wound. Seek healing from your heavenly father. Ask him6:06 for forgiveness and release from the burden of guilt by asking for that forgiveness from your earthly father as well, if that's possible. If your father's not around, then6:18 forgive him privately if it's not. Analyze the window your kids are currently looking through and ask yourself, is there anything that that you, that I need to change in6:30 order to ask for their forgiveness and to heal the father wound? At the end of the day, it's so important to build a lasting relationship with your kids. Ask yourself the question, when your kids are old6:42 enough, will they hang out with you when they have the option to? The answer to that question is based on how you preserve the relationship today, and you do that by putting the relationship before6:54 the results. If you'd like more information on how to build a great relationship with your kids, visit daddy saturday dot com for tips, tools, strategies, and tactics that'll help you build that strong, lasting,7:06 epic relationship. And I hope you're ready for session number 3 of Dangerous Dads and our next power principle.
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