Skip to content Work on Yourself, Not Your Spouse Pt. 2 | Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage Podcast Mar 24 · 18 min ...more
Work on Yourself, Not Your Spouse Pt. 2 | Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage Podcast
March 24, 2026 · 18 min
Pastor Dan Seaborn returns for more great conversation on reflection in marriage. When was the last time you asked yourself, "What caused me to do that?" when you responded to your spouse in a not-so-productive way?
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The Power of Listening in Marriage 0:00 Can you keep your mouth closed and actually hear your spouse? What they have to say and don't need to respond to it? Like, don't need it. Yeah. Nothing. Just hear it. Walk away with that and just think about it a while.0:11 Because that hearing, being heard, huge. Mhmm. If you you show me a spouse that feels like they're heard, I'll show you a spouse that will say I feel loved. Well0:21 then, yeah.0:28 What would you say the impact on the overall marriage? What do you notice old Dan produced in the marriage and new Dan produces in the marriage?0:38 Joy in her. A happy. Freedom. Yeah. Freedom to be herself, to, yeah, peace. You know, just a lot of the fruits of the spirit. Mhmm. And she's just0:49 different. Like, even her friends will say, you just seem more happy, more joyful. Well, yeah. Because Dan's different. I mean, it's just true. And I'm thankful. I'm thankful. And so, you1:01 know, I hope somebody can learn from my mistakes today. I hope you're listening. You go, well, that guy's got issues. I do. And I'm working on them. And join me because, you know, it's a journey, and I'm1:12 so glad to have him. Yeah.1:13 Yeah. And I always think, thank goodness we don't have to do this on our own. Yeah. We have God who when you feel like he's calling you to be more kind or more gentle or quiet,1:25 you just call on him and his spirit comes in. He will do that in you so you don't have to do it in your own strength. Granted, we gotta show up.1:33 Yeah.1:34 But it's powerful to know that God has that kind of impact even today.1:40 Yeah. And it's fun to look back and see, wow, I actually activated what I believe in my faith. Right. You know, I activated it and I brought it into real life. And, I'm open and honest about it1:51 because I I think so many people are there.1:54 Yeah. I think1:54 so many people are living the squabble world. You know, Jim, a friend of mine who fly here together, Jim, we were talking on the way here. We just know older couples who just don't get along. Mhmm. How sad.2:04 It is sad.2:05 How sad. Because they could2:06 change. Think about that. It is. Yeah. It is. I want us to enjoy those years.2:10 Yes. Well, I need there's research that talks about when you reach 25 years that any year beyond that, you are bypassing marriage satisfaction from honeymoon stage and just some of those2:22 feelings. And so I think, man, if you're sticking it out and you're going 25, 30, 35, 40 years, why not enjoy it and figure it out? Yeah. How do we enjoy this?2:33 And and what are your grandkids in? You know, we have 8 grandkids. When they're over at the house, it's fun Mhmm. When they see, oh, grandma and grandpa actually enjoy being around each other. I wanna leave that legacy2:44 for them because some of them are in circumstances where they're gonna have challenging years ahead. Mhmm. And, you know, we live in a culture that doesn't really celebrate 43 years of marriage. It kinda mocks it.2:54 Right.2:54 You know, in our at our ministry. Disbelief. Totally. Wait. Yeah. You know, it's it's interesting in our in our community in West Michigan there. Every year, we do a banquet to celebrate. Anybody who's been been married3:04 50 years Really? We do a free dinner for them, You know? And just at noon on this particular day come. Yeah. Media won't cover it. No 1 wants to know about it, etcetera. Yeah. Because it's not celebrated. And I go, in3:15 this room, I tell them, in this room, 50 plus years of marriage, are you kidding me?3:20 Yeah.3:20 This is the testimony that we need to be leaving to our grandkids, you know, and and doing that well.3:26 Yeah.3:26 Not not bickering to the end3:28 Yeah.3:28 But actually loving and growing deeper.3:30 That's a great perspective. We we should never turn down opportunities to celebrate our relationship. 1, we should go and have fun. Anytime we can do that intentionally Right. But I3:42 think a deeper piece to that and why that's so important is that that that you're honoring that relationship. You're you're you're celebrating to say, look. Look what3:54 we've done, like, 43 years. For us, 34 years, and and you're honoring that. And that's a strong statement. That that is a legacy thing. That's what you want. You want your grandkids, your kids4:06 to know that, man, we're we're we're proud of what we have. We wanna keep growing and keep learning, and we're not perfect. Oh, yeah. I mean, all that's true. But anytime to celebrate, to really honor and value,4:19 that's the message I feel like it it can send is that, yeah, this this is an important thing. It's not about just going out and buying cards or Right. Flowers or whatever. I mean, she likes it.4:28 I like flowers.4:28 You do.4:29 He bought me flowers the other day, and I was like, oh, you got me flowers. He goes, yeah. They were 2 99.4:35 They were a dollar 90. No. I was I got, like You4:38 got a bargain.4:39 Oh, forget.4:40 Oh, is that beautiful? Yeah. I got4:43 several bouquets of flower for you.4:46 But it was it was true. Because I'm telling you that the stores, they're I've talked about this before. They're brilliant. They they make me pass through the flower Yeah.4:54 Part of it.4:56 And I'm like, wait. Dollar 99 for that big honking bouquet. I am. I'm getting 2 of them. So, of course, they died they died 3 days later, but for the few days, they5:06 They're still going.5:07 They're all good. I'd love to ask you just on behalf of people like me who that squabble thing, disc are wanting your spouse to be this way. From a clinician's perspective, what made me do that?Overcoming Insecurities Through Personal Growth 5:19 What what's that where's that coming from? Like, why do I need her to do these things that from an insecurity in my past? Because I had, you know, my parents. I never got my dad's approval, etcetera. I've always wanted5:30 her approval. Is that part of that? What makes us do that?5:33 It it absolutely could be because we all have those pain points, those tender spots5:38 Yeah.5:38 And their triggers.5:39 Yeah.5:39 And when they get pushed, we don't like it. And when that happens, we launch into a reaction. And typically, our reaction is trying to get the other person to change so we feel better. And it just doesn't work because5:51 they get triggered, and it taps right into their stuff5:55 Yeah.5:56 From childhood and Yeah. Earlier seasons.5:58 Yeah. I I agree. I I think part of it fundamentally is that that probably we weren't taught how to, how how to6:10 take really good care of of ourselves. Like like, when we got married, I walked in a big wound. I I I had made some choices in that hid the the message, I6:22 think, the lie that Satan ended up right in my heart is that you're a failure. And so when I got married, I didn't know that, but everything that that Erin would do would be6:34 evidence either I'm succeeding as a husband or I'm failing. And if she was frustrated, disappointed if she was crying, all that said to me is that, oh, great. I'm a failure. So then I would try6:46 to get her to do something different like she's saying so that that I didn't feel that way. But no 1 had ever taught me, like, man, that that's that's my stuff. Like, I need to deal with that. Yeah. That's not her6:57 job. She can Right. Like you said, like, you use the word assistant.7:02 Yeah.7:02 You know, a a helper.7:03 Yeah. Yeah.7:04 I mean, that that that's a big part of the beauty of marriage. I get to be Erin's best helper in life. She's mine. But at the end of the day, I'm, you know, that stuff, those wounds, those7:15 issues, those desires that I have, that that's mine to own. And and I didn't know that. I thought that was her job. That was the Yes. That was the illusion.7:25 We need her to fill our void.7:26 Right? Why? At least she's my wife. You're supposed to make me feel successful. Like7:30 What I hear you saying7:31 Confirm me. Come on.7:33 Find your full identity in Christ. Mhmm. And don't need it in a person. Seek first.7:38 It's true. And and I think most of us as Christians, like, we know that. Like you said, Matthew 6 33, I I could I knew exactly what the verse was. I don't think we know how to how to really walk that.7:49 I don't think we understand what does that mean to seek God, to to to find our true identity, our our worth, what what's true? Like, when you were saying, like,8:02 if when she when she says things or points things out and I debate all that, it's because I've I've made her the source of truth in my life. Well, then if Erin is disappointed, that must be true8:13 about me. I don't want that to be true. So now I'm gonna fight you on it. I'll raise my voice. I'll tell you why you're doing it wrong. I'll try to correct you, make you into my like, all that. Because we're not taught8:25 any differently. Mhmm.8:26 No. And I think recognizing what your spouse was created to be in your life8:30 Yes.8:30 And what they were not created to be is so helpful. So helpful because often we're looking to our spouse to be something that they were never designed.8:38 So unfair. Yes. So unfair. You're putting things on your spouse that's not their responsibility.8:43 Right.8:44 Yeah. I needed her to fill the voids dad didn't feel.8:47 She can't do it either.8:48 Right.8:48 So good. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I should have come to see you guys 40 years ago.8:53 Well, 40 years ago.8:54 Yeah. You would you would not have been born and I would have8:57 been 3 years ago.8:57 I don't8:58 think we would have had many many good things to say. Yeah.9:01 But it it's it's like you're saying. I mean, it's understanding that a great marriage, the kind of marriage that we both long for happens not just because we figure out how to relate well to each other,9:13 but first and foremost, we're growing as an individual. And that's why, you know, I was we were gonna ask you, like, hey. What's 1 of those underrated habits within a marriage? But it feels like that's what you've9:25 been preaching this whole time.9:27 The underrated habit is surrender.9:28 Also yeah. Just to surrender Yeah. In within doing that, you're saying that you you you gotta keep growing healthier as an individual, closer to the Lord, like, all that. And So how9:40 would someone do, like Yes. If if they're if they're going, okay, how do they begin to then do that? What does that look like?9:49 Yeah. The well, those first steps that for me, it was listening, seeking God, but then obeying what he laid on my heart. Obedience is key. And that's hard.9:57 Yeah.9:57 That's hard. I mean, there's plenty of us that have plenty of10:00 be hearers, be doers. Yeah.10:02 And so to take those first steps. And then for me, you know, to begin to see the results, that that peace, I wanna know if there's a deeper peace. So if that means surrender a little more, let's go find out because it's10:13 so good. I mean, there's a reason that Jesus says the least is the greatest. Right? Because what we call giving in and surrender let me put it this way. I I've redefined prosperity. Like,10:25 we call in world, especially in the Christian church, we call something prosperity. Right? Prosperity is anything that pushes me closer to Jesus. And so in this situation, what happened with me and Jane, I've been10:37 prospering. I've been prospering.10:40 Sounds like it. Yeah.10:41 And I've gotten healthier. And guess what? A healthier husband, I treat her better. It's it's amazing. It's kind of flip ripple effect. It it is. It's ripple effect. And so for me, it's developing those habits.10:52 Yeah. Because you you're right. I mean, that's that's probably 1 of the greatest things I've learned is just that that if if the individuals really aren't pursuing God Yes. In that relationship with Christ first and11:04 foremost, then it it just I don't know. It feels like you're rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.11:11 Like For sure.11:12 If the boat's sinking. But if you're really pursuing all 3 of those 2 healthy individuals in a healthy relationship, what do you guys do at this point? So 43 years in. Yeah.Habits of a Thriving Long-Term Marriage 11:24 Like, what what are some things that you guys are doing to to strengthen the the the us, the the we, the the marriage relationship?11:32 Well, as empty nesters, you obviously have plenty of time11:35 to do.11:36 So we we're intentional about that. We pickleball together, we walk together, we just find different things. And then we also celebrate each other doing those things. Like she has her friends she does it with. I have11:46 mine I do it with. But we do a lot of coordinated things together. So it's intentional being being specifically setting times together, being with each other. Yeah. Those are the important things. And then, you know,11:57 dinner together, talking. Don't just sit there and watch something. Ask how your day was. What's going on? Anything with the kids I don't know about.12:04 Yeah.12:04 And 1 of the big things we do, we've been doing it from the very beginning is something if I travel and preach and speak it somewhere, I always talk about this. We pray together every day. And I know you focus on that as12:13 well. But, you know, we pray for our kids by name, grandkids by name, and that just unifies us. Yeah. It it brings you together because if there's something going on with 1 of them, she's probably gonna tell me because12:23 the kids probably reached out to her during the day. So just those unifying things. And then not thinking it has to be perfect. K. Like, I we work hard at going, okay. Today is kind of a sucky day. Live into it. It's12:35 life. And when you have 1 of those days, don't see it as, oh, we're falling apart. No. We aren't. We're dealing with normal life stuff. Let's move on, and tomorrow will be a little better. So just some normal things we12:45 do.12:45 I love that. As you, get to do a lot of weddings, we imagine. Yeah.12:51 I only do a couple of year12:52 these days. But yeah. Yeah. What if you can only impart just 1 important truth as you're out there, you've got the room full of people, you've13:04 got that couple starting their life off together. I mean, you've already given a lot. What what what's maybe something else? What's what's another big kinda nugget that you wish that13:16 they really understood?13:18 I tell them, and this would come from the last 3 years, I tell them the greatest gift they will give each other is to hear each other's heart. Like, let your spouse talk to you about anything,13:30 anything. Don't get mad. Yeah. Let them share what they're feeling because if you don't let them get that feeling out, that feeling is gonna turn south on you, and it could lead to divorce down the road because13:40 somebody's gonna be willing to listen to them. So just be willing to let your spouse talk to you about anything if it's something you're uncomfortable with. And and to me, I I tell them that's 1 of the greatest gifts13:51 you'll be able to give each other is not sequestering them in an area. You know, I think I held Jane back. There were things she wanted to say to me. There were things that were part of who she was, but she knew I didn't14:03 like it. So she wouldn't bring it up, wouldn't talk about it. And now she's like, I can bring up anything to him. He's just he's not gonna be bothered. He's actually gonna say, I'm so glad you told me because I will. We14:13 have little areas of our marriage in our life that we kinda keep over here and we secretly and if that secret keeps growing and getting bigger and bigger, then it becomes very damaging. So for me, I tell14:25 young couples when they first walk in, I say, I know you guys I don't need to talk to you about your physical relationship. Y'all ready to go with that right now? I don't need to talk to you about I need to talk to you14:34 about praying together. You probably don't do that. But the gift of letting each other share what you're feeling inside will be 1 of the great and if you can do that to your to your last day on Earth, you will give a14:46 phenomenal gift to each other.14:47 That that's fantastic. We just heard the an anagram, which is when you rearrange, you know, letters to create another word, an anagram for for listen15:00 is silent. Mhmm. Like, how have I not known that?15:03 I always you like Right.15:04 How do I know that? For QT. Thank you. Yeah.15:08 Remember when I figured out15:09 Yeah.15:10 The word listen is actually silent?15:11 Right? Yeah. Because that's what you're I mean, that going back to how you were beginning this, it it sounded like that was a big part of of what God was teaching you is, hey. When when Jane's talking, you know, hear15:23 her. Be silent. Yeah. Like, stop talk just listen.15:27 Well, I Just15:27 let her be present.15:29 Let her talk. When you talked about a habit that people could take from today and start practicing, it would be, can you keep your mouth closed and actually hear your spouse? What they have to say and don't need to15:39 respond to it. Like, don't need it. Yeah. Nothing. Just hear it. Walk away with that and just think about it a while. Because that hearing, being heard, huge.15:49 Mhmm.15:50 If you you show me a spouse that feels like they're heard, I'll show you a spouse that will say I feel loved.15:55 Well, then yeah. Because then then you feel seen. Yoned.15:58 Totally. I mean, that j You matter.16:00 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.16:01 It's a big deal.16:01 That's what we're looking for. Like, you want Erin you wanna matter to her. Yeah. And when she hears your heart, you matter.16:07 I wanna16:08 matter to you. Aaron. Everybody's gonna be talking Yoda tonight with their spouse.16:13 Can't wait.16:14 This could turn really ugly.16:17 We we could go keep going. I mean, this has been so fun.16:20 He has been16:20 Yeah. Yeah. I I I'm like, we probably can't keep him here all day locked away in our studio. So truly, thank you. That's what what you do so well is you're willing to be honest and16:32 vulnerable, transparent to say Alright. I have it all figured out. As a matter of fact, look. The last 3 years, this is what God's been teaching me. Mhmm. And that that that that always gives me so much hope because I'm16:44 like, oh, good. So I'm not the only idiot husband out there. So16:47 And that is never16:48 We're all we're all in this together.16:50 We are.16:50 We're demons.16:51 And people see us and hear you and think we got it all figured out. I want them to know. We're just like you trying to navigate it.16:56 And it's never too late. Never. 3 years No. Look at the last 3 years have been your best. Best. And that's amazing.17:02 Yeah. I love it. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for allowing me to be a part of it.17:06 Well, that was such an enjoyable conversation. We hope that you liked it as well. I always appreciate when when these heroes of the faith I mean, Dan Seaborn. I mean, come on.17:18 Like, I I so appreciate the long term ministry that he's had. When someone is willing to be transparent, to be vulnerable, to talk about, hey. You know, I love my wife. Been married 43 years,17:30 but here's what we've been learning over the last 3. That just is always so inspiring. So, again, I hope you felt that same sense of inspiration.17:39 Yes. We wanna encourage you to listen to the rest of the episode wherever you get your podcast, or you can click on the link below in the description. And we also wanna hear for you, so please send us your comments and17:50 your questions.17:51 Yeah. If you enjoyed this conversation, go ahead and like the video. Don't forget to subscribe. We have new videos that we release every week. So hit that little bell. That'll tell you when a new one's18:03 out because we wanna help your family thrive in Christ.In this video 0:00 The Power of Listening in Marriage5:09 Overcoming Insecurities Through Personal Growth11:20 Habits of a Thriving Long-Term Marriage
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