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Embracing Trials and Healthy Conflict in Marriage 0:00 It's always about the thing underneath the thing.0:02 Yeah.0:03 It's very rarely about the topic that you're actually arguing over.0:07 Never.0:08 It's what's underneath it, that fear of failure or of inadequacy. It took years for us to figure out these patterns. We still have, you know, arguments and disagreements.0:19 Get reactive.0:20 We know how to circle back and close the loop faster.0:30 Well, welcome to Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage. I'm doctor Greg Smalley.0:33 And I'm Erin Smalley. You know in James 1 where the bible tells us, count it all joy when you meet trials of various kinds for the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.0:45 Pastors should use this first at weddings. Don't you think?0:48 Oh, they0:50 yeah. I don't know.0:51 I was starting to think would people get up and leave? Would the couple0:55 Yeah. What would they do?0:56 What would0:56 they do?0:57 Because, really, couples are going to have trials and they need to understand that there's growth in it, that there's benefit from the trials. And this applies to all areas of our lives, not just1:09 marriage, but our individual journeys and even prior to marriage, after marriage. I mean, all those things. But you think about the struggle that a butterfly goes through to get out of the cocoon and1:21 or else its wings aren't strong enough. These things are gonna be used to strengthen us.1:25 Look at you going all nature on us. I like that. You're right though. That's a great analogy because, you know, I I've never met anyone, I mean, let's be honest, who really likes conflict. So you're right.1:37 I mean, conflict in and of itself Mhmm. Is not unhealthy.1:41 Mhmm. But1:42 there there there's a difference though between conflict can be healthy or can be more combat.1:49 Mhmm.1:50 And that's why doctor John Gottman, he's 1 of our very favorite marriage researchers. As he studied couples, he found 4 behaviors that happened during conflict that can really make2:02 it feel more like combat. So it becomes very unhealthy.2:05 Mhmm.2:05 He calls them the 4 horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And really what those are criticism is you know, I think we all know what criticism and because when we2:17 experience criticism, we don't like it.2:20 Try it right now. Like, criticize me in some way. What To trigger me.2:25 Greg, you2:26 I'm joking.2:26 You thought your shirt was black and white check, but it's really navy and white check, Greg.2:32 And you have2:33 a black vest on with it.2:34 We get into the studio to record in your exact words where I bet when you looked at that shirt, you thought there was black in it because I have a black vest.2:45 And it is very navy and cream and a black2:48 vest. But that's okay.2:48 Now I'm feeling very insecure. Your criticism.2:51 That's what doctor john Gottman is talking about criticism2:55 and why we shouldn't do it.2:57 Yes. Well, and if we want to offer feedback, there's a much better way. Greg, are you open to my feedback? Are you aware that your shirt does not match your vest?3:07 I thought we made the rule that when I'm wearing something outside of our home and we're away from our home, that you can't talk about how it doesn't look right. Later, when we're Later.3:17 Later. Are you open to my feedback later?3:19 Yes.3:19 So criticism, contempt, that's where really someone's heart shuts down and hardens and they just have total disregard or apathy toward the relationship. Defensiveness, immediate3:31 justification, or self protection of what's being said or done. I can't imagine what that was.3:38 You were you were pausing for me to elaborate. Right? Because that's mine. Yes. Yes. Of all these 4 that you're going over Mhmm. I I get defensive.3:48 Yes. And3:49 Because I love you so much and I want you to understand how you perceive me, what you're thinking. I'm not really correct. And I wanna alleviate the misunderstanding, the pain that you're carrying in this moment.4:00 I can assure you that defensiveness is not on my list of love languages.4:06 But but the truth is, and that's all I'm trying to help you understand, Aaron, is the truth in this situation.4:13 Can you mute his mic? And the last 1 is stonewalling and that's where you just refuse to engage. You disengage, put up a big old thick wall, and then there's just total disconnection in the relationship.4:25 Painful. And we might have some of these, like, criticism. There's times that I can be critical, defensive. There's times you can be defensive. But it really is the consistent pattern of all 4 of these or a few of them4:37 that can wreak havoc within a relationship.4:39 Yeah. And just the the awareness of how do I tend to show up with within that conflict. Am I using any of those 4? There's others. We actually developed a a free assessment. It's called the reactive4:51 cycle. Mhmm. We'll put a link in the show notes here. But the the this this gives you a very clear picture of how you typically then react. These are reactions that we use5:03 within conflict. So, again, if any 1 of these things are happening in your marriage, just just remember that that you're responsible for your own role. Mhmm. So how I'm showing up, the reactions5:14 I'm choosing to use, that that that's on me.5:17 Right. And God calls us as individuals to seek peace and reconciliation at all times. That's just some of what we're gonna talk about on the show today. Later, we have an exercise to help you and your5:29 spouse set boundaries for your relationship. That's gonna be fun. I can't wait. Then we're going to answer a voice mail from a listener who wants to encourage her husband to lead more5:41 in their marriage.5:42 Yeah. And our guests today are Chris and Jamie Bailey. They're marriage coaches. They've been married for over 30 years, and we started our conversation talking about some of the expectations that weShow more In this video 0:00 Embracing Trials and Healthy Conflict in Marriage5:46 Unrealistic Expectations and Effective Communication29:01 The Art of Apology, Humility, and Pivoting Seasons43:38 Boundaries, Grieving Change, and Godly Leadership
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