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The Why Behind Sex: Understanding God's Design 0:00 Sex is a celebration or a symbol of the covenant. And so if you have sex with somebody, even if you love them, but you're not in covenant with them, you're doing something that lacks integrity.0:12 Yeah.0:12 Because you're separating sex from the expression it's meant to be, which is in covenant.0:25 Welcome to Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage. I'm doctor Greg Smalley.0:29 And I'm Erin Smalley. Coming up on this episode, we have a great idea for you and your spouse to experience a deeper connection. And we have an email from a listener who is struggling not to0:41 resent her husband because of their financial situation. We'll get to that a little bit later, but I'm really excited about today's guest.0:49 Me too. You are in for a treat today. Doctor Julie Slattery has been our friend and coworker, what, over the last Yeah.0:57 Decade. For a long time.0:59 She's the president and cofounder of Authentic Intimacy. So this is a ministry that helps make sense of God and our sexuality. She hosts a podcast called Java with Julie.1:11 She's written several books. Her latest is called surrendered sexuality, how knowing Jesus changes everything. And she's here today to help us understand and fully know how god's love1:23 and grace extend to our sexuality. So I started this conversation by talking about a study that was done in Australia and what people were googling about sex. The number 11:35 thing that people googled, and these are adults1:38 Yeah.1:38 Was how to have sex. Really? It just struck me. And I was like, is this like a mechanics thing? Yeah. Interesting. How how do you do it? Or is this a more am I1:50 normal?1:51 Are these Australians or everyone?1:53 These are Australians. Okay. And it and it struck me because you you talk a lot about the difference between kind of the the what question. Mhmm. You know, how to have sex2:05 versus really the the why. So we'd love to start there. Maybe explain the difference.2:11 Yeah. I think this is particularly within the context of Christian conversations around sex. All the conversation seems to be what questions. Like, what are we allowed to do? What's2:22 acceptable? What does a great sex life look like? Like, that sort of thing.2:26 What's normal? Yes. There2:27 you go. Uh-huh. And those aren't bad questions, but we neglect the why question. And not just why do we have sex, but I think even a deeper question of2:39 why does sex even matter, and why does sex matter to God? Why is it a big deal? Why does he care about who we choose to have sex with? And so I've spent a lot2:51 of time over the last several years really delving into that Yeah. Because, you know, I I think we all have why questions.2:59 Mhmm.3:00 And, you know, I think about being a parent when my kids were preschoolers, they would always ask why about everything. Mhmm. And when you were really tired or you didn't know the answer,3:12 what's the standard parental answer?3:14 Just because or because I said something?3:16 We'll talk about it later. Right. When your dad gets home,3:19 they ask3:20 him that.3:20 Yeah. So You don't know that I said that? I Or did you say that?3:23 I had that question asked, so I just assumed you were directing them to me. So3:28 So, you know, I feel like in the in church culture, whenever there's a why question, like, why can't I sleep with my boyfriend? Or why couldn't 2 women get married? Like, why does God care3:40 about these things? I don't know about you, but me growing up, I've always sort of heard the because God said so.3:47 Right. Mhmm.3:48 And the Bible says so. Without any deeper, you know, like, conversation or even that's a great question. Mhmm. Let's look at why sex does matter. I know a lot of your ministry here is on4:00 marriage. Why does it matter in marriage?4:02 Mhmm.4:03 Why does it matter if a couple just goes years and says, hey. Like, we're not in that season anymore, or we can't we can't really negotiate something that makes us happy,4:14 so let's put this on the shelf. Mhmm. Why does it why does sex matter in marriage? And so, yes. I think that's a really important question that, again, often has been neglected.4:26 Yeah. Well, answer it4:27 Yeah.4:27 For us.4:28 That's what I'm thinking. Why? Because4:29 they're all 34:30 of those questions.4:32 Yeah. It it's not an easy answer, and we've gotta think through it a little bit. But I think what we have to understand is that God created sex, and he created4:43 marriage, and he created male and female all to be a way of him revealing something about himself. And people are like, wait. What? How how does that fit?4:54 Yeah.4:55 And I think we've gotta understand that everything God created in the physical and relational world, he created to display himself. Like, he's always revealing. Mhmm. And when we read the Bible,5:07 we see all these times that God points to physical things to teach us spiritual truths.5:13 Mhmm.5:13 Like, why did he create sheep? And why in the gospels and throughout the the scripture are we compared to sheep and Jesus is our shepherd? I've never been around sheep very much. But5:25 from what I understand, like, sheep are really dumb. And Mhmm.5:29 It's very offensive to5:31 I it is. There you go. Sheep are like, I don't wanna be like human beings. Right. There you go.5:36 They're stupid.5:37 Yes. But but we have to believe that God created sheep intentionally to be a living metaphor of how much we wander and how much we need a good shepherd. And that's just 1 example. We5:49 can look at trees and say, when we read Psalm 1, we learn about how we need to abide in Christ by looking at the life of a tree if it's planted by streams of water.6:01 Yeah. So I tell you all that to say, when we read the scripture, we see that God is continually saying, I created marriage including sex to show you how I6:13 love with covenant love. And I am a covenant making God. I established a covenant with the nation of Israel in the Old Testament, and I was their husband and they were my wife and we6:25 had there's this marital language that's used Right. And sexual language.6:29 Yeah.6:30 And similarly, in the New Testament, there's marital and sexual language that's used by Jesus referring to the church. So all that to say, Greg and Aaron, that6:42 God really cares about our sexuality and he really cares about marriage because he created it to be an earthly living metaphor of the way he loves his covenant people.Building a God-Honoring Sex Life in Marriage 6:53 How does that then so let's just say for for that average couple Yeah. Who were negotiating through what their Yeah. Sexual relationship is gonna look like, how have you seen7:05 that that can make a big difference then for them? Yeah. Because we're gonna have people who are just saying, okay. Great. That's a great philosophical, theological7:14 Sure.7:14 Perspective. Now I gotta figure out, you know, who initiates and how often. Oh. Absolutely. But but, obviously, it matters.7:22 It does.7:22 How does that matter7:23 for them? So let's go to 1 of the what questions now. What does a good sex life and marriage look like? And I'm gonna ask you guys, like, what you can answer. You can say, oh,7:35 I've heard my clients say this or, how do we define what a married couple should actually be working towards in their sex life?7:44 I would say something that is satisfying to both and God honoring. Okay. Good. That's kind of broad. Yeah. But that they're they're talking about it and it includes both.7:56 Mhmm.7:56 That both matter. Okay.7:57 So it involves communication. Yes. They're both happy with it. Yes. Yeah.8:01 And they're they're asking those questions. Uh-huh. Like, so how often are we having sex?8:06 Yeah.8:07 And what kind of sex are we both comfortable8:10 with Mhmm.8:11 As well as, who's initiating. Okay. So the which would be more oh, back to the first question you you asked of how to have sex. Yeah. Yeah. But with specifically8:23 within marriage and negotiating that, navigating it between the 2 in a covenant relationship. Uh-huh. There we go. Okay. That was up totally off the top of my head.8:30 I love it.8:31 Yes. Would you add to it?8:33 Yeah. I'm trying to what would I add to that? I I I like the part especially about that. It it's that it it it feels good to both both matter. Because Erin and I have kinda talked about this before, but on the,8:45 you know, couple days before we got married, my father decided that, hey. I know we've had the sex talk, but now let let me really, you know, tell you, okay. You're about to get married. And8:57 I was like, I don't need to know any of this. But I remember my dad really talking about, you know, this is about really, focusing on Aaron, bringing9:09 pleasure to Aaron. I mean, he he made it all about Aaron, which, you know, that kind of that that sacrifice. Great. I mean, that but but I remember for me, it just it left me out of the equation. And that's why9:21 I like what, Erin, you're saying is that that both have to matter. Like, that we we both want to pursue something feels good to me and to her. Mhmm.9:31 And9:31 that just I look back and it always felt very one-sided. Yeah. So Well,9:35 good. Thanks for sharing.9:36 All I can add.9:37 Yeah. That's good. Very good. Yeah.9:39 Being freaked out by my father on the eve of our wedding night. Jeez.9:44 I think he got he got you off to a decent start, though. Right? Yeah. Okay. So I don't know what you I with your thoughts going all different places of, okay, what are you gonna tell your kids?9:55 Exactly.9:56 Yeah. So if we look at the average couple, there's all kinds of problems in their sex life.10:02 Yeah.10:03 And there's everything from a huge mismatch in how often they wanna have sex to10:08 Libido, all that.10:10 Libido to sex is painful or it's triggering because of my trauma or Mhmm. There's pornography use and trust issues.10:17 Into the marriage battle.10:18 Right.10:18 Yeah.10:19 And and so couples are saying, like, our sex life is broken now. How do we grow? And we don't know how to achieve what is even good, and we don't even maybe have a shared vision10:30 Mhmm.10:30 Of what a healthy sex life should look like. And I I'm gonna go back to your question now because I think why this is so important is because it reframes for us what we actually should be look10:42 working towards in terms of a good sex life. Because if sex and marriage are meant to be reflections of God's covenant love for his people,10:54 then we should say our sex life should be a mirror of that. Oh, you're like, woah. Okay. What? So let me So11:01 what does that mean?11:02 Let me make this really practical. Yeah. Okay. So let's take, for example, like, 1 of the most important things about our covenant with God is that he is faithful. Mhmm. That we know when he says something,11:14 he is good to his word.11:16 Mhmm. Mhmm.11:16 That he is trustworthy, and he doesn't lie11:19 Yeah.11:20 That he is a good God. His character is11:22 He's safe with us.11:23 Yeah.11:23 Yeah.11:24 And I would say the same is true with sex and marriage. That if you don't have faithfulness, it doesn't matter what else11:31 you have.11:31 That, the very first thing is building that foundation of trust. Mhmm. So when there's pornography use, there's betrayal. You can't build the other good things about covenant or11:43 sex until that's addressed. So that's a very practical way. Another piece of it is if we look at our covenant with God11:51 Mhmm.11:51 It is meant to be an increasing relationship of intimacy. In other words, my hope and prayer would be that I know God more intimately today than I did 5 years12:03 ago, that we're I'm growing in my knowledge of him and and the intimacy I experience with him. Mhmm. And in a similar way, a healthy sexual relationship should be growing in12:14 intimacy, not just activity, but as you and you and Greg have been married for many years now.12:21 33.12:22 That's congratulations. Like, I'm not gonna ask details. Yeah. But I would guess that your sex life has been an area where you guys share secrets and know intimacies about each other that sometimes12:34 you've had to learn through difficulty12:36 Mhmm.12:36 Of having hard conversations and talking about things like trauma and shame and12:42 Mhmm.12:42 Forgiveness and all all that sort of thing.12:44 Yeah.12:45 Sacrificial love, you know, is a big part of our covenant with God. He laid down his life for us, and we're to take up our cross and deny ourselves and follow him. And so a healthy sex life is12:57 when both a husband and wife are saying, I I wanna please you too. You know? Not just13:04 Yeah.13:04 But when both of you are are working towards, how can I please you? How can I understand you and love you well? And then, finally, I would say, when we look at our covenant with God, it13:16 is meant to be celebrated regularly. Mhmm. Why do we go to church? Not just to hear a sermon, but so that we, as the bride of Christ, can worship. And we can13:28 we can adore God. We can praise him and worship him and receive his love. And similarly, a good sex life and marriage means that it's a celebration, that there's pleasure, that there's13:39 excitement. So I look at that framework, and for me, that's powerful.13:45 That's good.13:46 And when we do experience brokenness, how do I identify it? And then having a shared journey of what are we actually working towards.13:53 Mhmm. Mhmm. So what do you say? You mentioned this earlier to that couple that they haven't had sex in a year. Yeah. And they are I mean, they're coming in Mhmm. To counselors, Christian14:05 counselors going, okay. What do we do? Yeah.14:07 We don't know why. We don't know what the first step is. What would you say to that couple? Yeah. I would really want to talk to them about why. You know, what happened? Did something happen a year ago, or14:18 was this sort of a gradual14:21 Mhmm.14:21 Decrease? Sometimes it's that a couple just drifts apart in the busyness of Mhmm. Life and work and parenting. Sometimes it's that they have such a14:33 mismatch in desire that sex has come to represent.14:37 Mhmm.14:38 You never meet my needs. You're always objectifying me. You don't love me. And so they just let let that barrier grow until it's sort of like the taboo topic.14:50 Mhmm. And sometimes it's because of trauma or betrayal that hasn't been addressed, and so we really don't know what the problem is until we delve into why.15:02 Yeah. Mhmm.15:02 And, again, asking a couple, what is your shared vision of sex? Like, what would you say would be a good sex life? What would you like to work towards? Mhmm. And then beginning to give them this15:14 the tools to actually get there.15:16 Mhmm.15:17 Yeah. And why is it important then? I mean, this kind of will go back to your answer of what is a good sex life. Mhmm. Why is it important as a Christian couple to continue15:29 to understand and ask those questions? Why? And having a shared vision and returning to and fighting for that connection from from a scriptural perspective even.15:40 Right. Some of it is understanding that the way God designed sex for the majority of couples, it's not going to be a neutral issue in their marriage. It's either going to15:52 be something that bonds them together even neurochemically through the dopamine and the oxytocin and the endorphins that are released. It's designed to draw a couple together.16:04 But when they're not having sex and they can't communicate about it, it'll actually become a wedge. You know, it's 1 thing when a couple is still engaging in intimacy and maybe,16:17 because of age or illness, they can't have intercourse. They can't do the things they used to do. But there's still a sweet intimacy where they're like, in this season, here's what we can do Mhmm. And there's a16:28 tenderness. But if it's just shut down and you guys wrote a book about this when you just become roommates and you're disconnected, You know, sex is a big part of that. Mhmm. I and so16:40 you can't just ignore it without it creating a distance in your marriage.16:45 Yeah. I really like just even jumping back for a moment, I'm just thinking about the the the the why so that that the covenant between God and16:57 Israel Yeah. His bride. It it struck me. I was I was having this conversation with with our son. Mhmm. And so hopefully, he's not listening to this. But but we always17:09 have these great conversations with his little hot tub. So we were just in there. And we we were talking about the sex and premortal sex and and and not from his17:20 standpoint, but he was just he's a counselor in training. He was just asking a lot about it. But but 1 of the things that that you said that really struck me that Garrison and I talked about is that, you know, people17:31 long to be fully seen, fully known, and the only way that that ever happens, truly happens, is when they feel safe that there's this17:43 covenant, that there's this lifelong commitment, that there's safety baked in to the relationship, I mean, all that. Mhmm. And and you're absolutely right. I mean, that that's why that matters Yeah. Is that17:55 that, you know, sex being the the deepest way that that we can be intimate, to be fully seen, fully known. I mean, I mean, that that's just such a great place for that to happen. But, you know, we can go through the18:07 mechanics. So kind of back to the Australian question of, you know, how do we have sex? So we we can learn the mechanics and and all of that. But if it doesn't have that lifelong commitments, if it if18:19 it lacks that covenant Yeah. People are always gonna withhold hold back in some way. I mean, you can't fully be seen and known18:27 Right.18:27 If you don't feel that safety of that type of commitment. Mhmm. So I really like that was just good. Sorry. I wasn't really paying attention to what you guys were saying, but No.18:36 I kept sure. Right.18:37 Yeah. I kept thinking about it. Because you're right. Because then even within that, couples then so struggle with talking about sex. Yeah. We read about that. We see that. We hear that. Mhmm.Show more In this video 0:00 The Why Behind Sex: Understanding God's Design6:53 Building a God-Honoring Sex Life in Marriage18:40 Overcoming Shame and Healing Sexual Sin34:05 Practical Connection, Surrender, and Navigating Resentment
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