Skip to content What 42 Years of Marriage Taught Us About Forgiveness & Faith - Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage Nov 10 · 1 hr 1 min ...more
What 42 Years of Marriage Taught Us About Forgiveness & Faith - Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage
November 10, 2025 · 1 hr 1 min
The Smalley's welcome evangelist and author, J.John and his wife Killy as they reflect on their 42-year marriage and the values they've embraced: respect, responsibility, romance, and resilience.
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Foundations of Marriage: Respect, Responsibility, Romance, and Resilience 0:00 You know, many of us have got so many irons in the fire Mhmm. That we've actually put the fire out. And so what we actually need to do is to take some irons out of0:12 the fire and stoke up the fire. So if I don't have time for Killy and Killy doesn't have time for me then it means we're too busy. You know0:23 and and sometimes the work of the Lord has become more important than the Lord of the work.0:39 Welcome to Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage. I'm Greg Smalley.0:43 And I'm Erin Smalley. Today, we have such an amazing privilege of talking to a well known British evangelist, author, minister, and broadcaster who has traveled the0:55 world with his humor and storytelling.0:57 Yeah.0:57 And this is a couple who have been married for 42 years, and I love it when we get the opportunity to talk to a a a couple who've been married1:07 Mhmm.1:07 That long just about what they've learned and their wisdom and insight. You're gonna love what they have to say. And later on, we're gonna talk about play personalities. So you have a different1:19 play personality than I do. And the more that we can understand that, then we can help do those kinds of things that are meaningful to our spouse around the area of play. And then we're gonna answer a listener's1:31 question about what to do when her husband won't stop watching pornography.1:38 We definitely have a full show today. We're gonna get J John and Killy's perspective on selfishness in marriage, in law relationships, and what to do when you're separated from your spouse because1:50 of their job. Plus, we'll hear the ways a marriage can change when we put God first in our relationship.1:57 So Jay John and Killy came all the way from England to have this conversation. So let's jump right in.2:04 Erin, thank you for the welcome. Great to be here with you and Greg.2:08 It's wonderful to be with you both.2:10 Thank you2:10 for having us.2:11 We're thrilled, and we just love listening to your English accent. We could just sit and marinate it.2:16 What you say.2:17 Yes. It's gonna be amazing.2:19 Well, thank you.2:21 Yes. So, Killy, you came from a long line of evangelists and missionaries. But before you met J. John, you weren't you hadn't come to Christ. So tell us about your journey with coming to2:33 Christ.2:33 Oh, thank you, Erin, for that question. Yes. No. So, yes, going back many, many, many years ago, I was a pastor's daughter. Uh-huh. And,2:45 yes, I had generations of missionaries and evangelists in the family. Wow. And I studied religious education Oh, really? At school and and that sort of2:57 became you read the bible for information but not for transformation. And so I'd sort of put the whole Christian thing on hold and, I3:09 thought it's not relevant for me at this time. And so I was actually at college doing a hotel management course and, my father, who thought I could do anything, in the3:21 summer vacation said, why don't you open up a coffee shop in the church rooms that were next door is right in the center of Cambridge. What he didn't mention was that I was going to share the3:32 premises with the international overseas student outreach that went on in Cambridge.3:39 Might have been there. So3:41 so first of all, I could not believe that these students so the churches will get together and then teams will come in and they'd run a lunchtime thing and an evening thing to reach out to3:53 those students learning English in Cambridge. And, and so I couldn't believe students my age were giving up their summer vacation to come and4:05 tell people about Jesus. You know, why would you do that? So anyway, got chatting to the team leader and, yeah, he challenged me quite a4:16 lot and, and kept saying, you must come to 1 of the meetings and he was very persistent, very persistent. I was no. No. Very busy baking cakes, doing this and that. No. No. No. No. No.4:28 And then 1 evening, I sat down, actually, with my mom, and I said, I'm gonna go to this meeting. I think my mom nearly fainted. And so and off I went and you as we4:40 all know, the Holy Spirit just spoke to me. There was like, at that time, it's the eighties, the early eighties and there was there was like drama and music and everything.4:52 It was like my whole life being laid before me. And I was the first person to respond to the talk. Forget the overseas. Yes. I was there. And and so I always say that5:04 the leader followed me up and we got we ended up getting married. I thought yeah,5:11 that Jay John was that that leader.5:14 Yes. He was. The thing about her, Killy, is that she was sitting on the fence. And when you're sitting on the fence, it's very uncomfortable. And the fence needs to5:25 be electrocuted.5:28 So Encourage you.5:30 Yeah. Go go5:30 1 way or the other.5:31 Go 1 way or the other. And that's all we really did is is kind of pray her into the kingdom.5:38 That's so funny. So besides her sitting on the fence, what was it that stood out about Killy that caused you to go, I think there's something more here.5:48 Well, after Killy responded and had this, spiritual awakening, the first thing I noticed was that really her heritage kicked6:00 in. So it wasn't like an atheist becoming a believer. It was someone who'd had generations of prayer, generations of input,6:11 generations of sowing. And so she just came alive in every way spiritually. And, not just the eyes of her heart, but her whole eyes6:23 just lit up. And then I started to follow her and we became friends. And, and then that led on to more. And6:36 so I was very grateful.6:39 And now you guys have been married how long?6:42 42 years.6:42 42 years. Congratulations. Thank you.6:45 Thank you.6:46 Thank you. So we've got the silver medal. Yeah. Which is 25, but we're going for gold.6:50 Well, you're you're almost there. Right?6:53 50. Yeah. The big 5 0. 0, thank you.6:55 Yeah. We're chasing down 40. Yes. But I will6:59 I often say though, Greg, 42 years, 41 happy ones. That first year7:06 Yes.7:06 Was a challenge. Yeah. I often say7:10 about that. Well, I often say, you know that7:13 at Christmas time, when you bring a Christmas tree into your home, you have to rearrange the furniture. But when you bring another person into your life, you've got to7:24 rearrange a lot more.7:26 Right.7:26 And we often say in the marriage service, don't we? Oh, today, you have witnessed 2 becoming 1. But the day after the honeymoon, you discover which7:38 1.7:39 Which 1? It was good.7:43 So what what were some of the big challenges It was good. So what what were some of the7:47 big challenges then for you guys? What what made that7:47 kind of a hard year for you?7:50 Well, I'm sure your listeners want to hear all these lovely things. Yes. I did throw the salad spoon servers at him. He did. Oh my god. And he did8:01 because We were8:02 quite young. To be honest, I can't really remember why. It's like you just think just think how did we get so bad at learning to communicate?8:12 Yeah.8:12 Because actually when you're dating, you communicate quite well.8:15 And then8:16 when you're married, it's the little things that build up and then you suddenly explode. And I think, the first year was our year of, what shall I say,8:27 maturing, I guess, as a couple. Yes. I walked out and slammed the door and said, I'm going.8:37 He's like, are you coming back? No.8:40 He just I stormed out,8:42 you know, in this kind of, you know, got quite sort8:46 of Yeah.8:46 Authority. Assertive. That's the word I'm looking for. Assertive way. Thank you, Aaron. Yes. And I got down the stairs because we were living in an apartment. Got down the stairs and I thought,8:59 I've actually got nowhere to go. So I just went back. Yeah. So, you know, it's like and I you know, for any listeners out there that are having, you know, these stormy encounters,9:11 you know, do don't give up. Keep persevering.9:15 It's you know.9:16 It is adjusting. I think it is adjusting. Mhmm. And, sometimes marriage for some can be a shock to the system of,9:28 you know, I've always lived like this and I've always done things like this. Oh, yeah. Oh, but wait a minute. There's another person in my life. It is. I've got to be a little bit more considerate. Yeah.9:40 And and actually, you you're not always taught, are you? And going back, during that era, there there wasn't much mentoring as young couples going into marriage.9:52 And, so you kind of learn as you grow into your marriage. And hopefully now, you know, we've been married for 42 years and, well, Achilles' my best friend.10:04 Yeah.10:04 I know. And you learn so much, don't you, about, funnily enough, I was reading James this morning about, you know, how to speak to each other. I just thought, why have I never seen that back then? You know, that10:16 you kind of you sometimes just need that reminding that, you know, to be kind to each other and, you know, gracious and forgiving and all those Yeah. Things that the Holy Spirit work that works in us, you10:28 know, produces, isn't it? So10:30 Yeah. And you're so right. Just the the sheer amount of change of what has to be adjusted, I think throws a lot of couples off. I don't I don't think they realize10:41 it because in a lot of ways, we use the analogy. I don't know if you've ever been in a canoe or a small boat of any kind. You know, when we're dating, we're in our own canoe. And and10:53 and so if if she's kinda splashing around, I can push away a little bit because I'm in my own canoe, and it's alright. It's not a big threat. But when we get married, it's it's now we're in the same canoe, the11:05 same boat. If you've ever been in a boat with another person, whatever movements they make threat I mean, they threaten you.11:13 This 1. A lot of energy Yes. Movement.11:16 Yeah. And so it just it it just there there's a depth of just now we're together in the same canoe that's, I think, just unsettling for a lot of couples as we learn the art of how how do we be11:28 good canoe mates. Yeah. Because it is very, very different.11:32 To really get our balance. Yeah. Yeah. Because the balance gets thrown when someone else is moving the boat. Yeah. Because you move to the boat too.11:39 I don't recall that. But yeah. I'm sure. That's I know I did. Yeah.11:44 It's a great analogy. And, actually, when you're in this canoe together, you have to paddle together. Yes. So In sync. In sync.11:51 That's what you're learn that's kinda what you're saying is it just took us a little while. As you look back to that season of of learning to be good canoe mates as a married couple, what what are some of the12:02 things that, as you look back, really helped you guys learn how to manage all that change, communicate effectively with each other?12:12 Well, what what, Killy and I have come up with 4 4 words Wow. That we've often shared12:18 with others. Plan. So weird weird. I love it. Well You've got an acronym or you've got words. Good.12:24 Well, I I think, you know, where you meet young couples and they're about to get married and they often go, oh, what advice would12:31 you give us? Yeah. Yeah.12:32 And, so and the 4 words are the first 1 is respect. K. That I need to respect Killy. Killy needs to respect me. But I need to12:43 cultivate the kind of qualities within me that warrant respect rather than demand it Yeah. From Killy. What would you add to12:55 that, Killy?12:56 No. I mean, definitely. And, you know, in those early years, I I mean, I was young, but that's no excuse. Is it it's no excuse. Because I just I13:08 just I'd explode. I was 1 of those people who would wouldn't say anything and then would explode. And, you know, you just learn that actually, that isn't how you respect someone exploding. So13:20 Yeah.13:20 So I think13:21 It didn't get you It didn't13:22 get you what you13:22 want or where you wanna go.13:23 Well, and actually, it made you feel worse. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Afterwards. So Yes. So I think learning that respect as in you just don't speak to anyone like that. Yeah. Right. And I wouldn't. I13:35 mean, outside of the marriage, I would not ever explode at anybody, but I seem to manage to.13:42 Yes. But And it's and it's respecting, you know, in thought, in word, and deed. Yeah. So, you know, cultivating respect, 2, responsibility.13:54 Many couples on their wedding day, they say I do and then they don't. Yeah. And, you know, I need put it. I need to take responsibility for certain14:06 things. Killy needs to take responsibility for other things. And it it it it's a partnership. It's corporation. I can't expect Killy to do everything. Yeah.14:18 You know? So you've got to kind of say, okay. I'll do this. I'll do that. I'll do that. You do this and that. And these other things we'll do together.14:25 Mhmm.14:26 And and we found That's14:27 true.14:28 That that kinda works. You know, I don't do the laundry, and I don't do the ironing.14:33 Well, you would if he had to.14:35 If I had to, I would. But but, actually, Killy loves doing it.14:41 Yeah. It's14:42 like Erin loves to mow.14:43 I know.14:44 She mows the lawn.14:45 Grass. Yes. That's mine.14:47 But it's taking some responsibility. Mhmm. Thirdly, romance. If there was more courting in marriage, there would be fewer marriages in court.15:00 Oh, I like that. And I15:01 very line.15:02 And I think the thing is when you're dating, you're romancing Mhmm. And then you get married and the busyness of life and work15:14 and everything else. And sometimes that can be crowded out. And, we've discovered so important, haven't we, Killy? Yeah. Romancing each other. Yes. I mean, even15:26 now look like now?15:27 Yeah. What15:27 does it season Yeah. In your life, how does a romance look?15:31 I think because we work together, travel together, and do a lot together, you actually have to be quite intentional. Because otherwise, you know, date nights and things like that become, well, let's15:43 just talk about work or let's just talk about, you know, family or whatever. Grandkids. Well, yes. They're great. Well Yeah. Which is a great topic. Yes.15:51 I agree.15:51 We're all bitter strong. Yes. But, but no, you have to sometimes just focus on each other and just take time to relax, do fun things, go out for a nice meal, you16:03 know, go for a lovely walk. You know, that's what we like to do. We like to go out for a lovely walk. And and even if we're not talking, sometimes after 42 years of marriage, you don't need to talk all the time. It's16:15 just being, isn't it? Being out in God's creation and, yeah. It's just Yeah.16:20 Just being present.16:21 Present. Each other. Yes. Yeah. That's it. Yeah.16:23 Greg, I you just hit the nail on the head. Yeah. Be present with each other. Yeah. Put down whatever it is you're holding or you're being preoccupied. You know, you're looking.16:34 You know, look at16:35 me. But eye contact goes far.16:37 Go a16:38 long way. You know, we we do. We we we're foodie people. And, you know, a day off, well, we might go and have our little leisurely lunch and have16:50 our walk. And and we keep on making sure that it's priority. Because if you don't live by priorities, you're gonna live by17:02 pressures. Mhmm. Yeah. And that's the danger. Yeah. And then the pressures just overwhelm you and consume you.17:09 Yeah.17:10 Yeah. And, yeah, it's very important. I think the thing is you're you're often very tired and very exhausted and and you need to be kind to yourself. And often, we're not very kind to ourselves.17:22 Yeah. Yeah. We're kinder to other people than we are to ourselves, aren't we? Yeah.17:26 In other words, what what we'll say to ourselves or some of those messages17:30 Or caring for self.17:32 Yeah.17:32 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.17:33 You know, I I know, if your output exceeds your input, then your upkeep will be your downfall.17:42 Wow.17:42 And I think that is so true today that, you know, many of us have got so many irons in the fire Mhmm. That we've actually put the fire out. And so what we actually need to do17:54 put it. Is to take some irons out of the fire Oh. And stoke up the fire.18:00 Oh, that's good.18:01 You know, I I think often many of us Christians, we work harder than Jesus.18:08 That's true. Uh-huh.18:10 Yeah. And we don't need to. Yeah. You know, keep in step with the spirit.18:15 Mhmm.18:15 So if I don't have time for Killy and Killy doesn't have time for me, then it means we're too busy.18:22 Mhmm. Mhmm.18:23 You know? And and sometimes the work of the Lord has become more important than the Lord of the work. Wow. And Wow. And I I'd18:35 say we wake up. Should we just tell you our daily rhythm? We do. We wake up. Yeah. Okay. We wake up and we have a cuddle. Okay. The cuddle means a hug. I don't know how you Yuri.18:47 I I I got more. No. It's okay.18:49 No. It's just a hug. It's just a hug. Good morning, darling. Good morning. Did you sleep well? Little chat. Then we pray. We pray the Lord's prayer. That's the first thing we19:01 do, in the morning. We're in bed, pray the Lord's Prayer. We then proclaim, a number of bible scriptures that are promises. I think we're19:12 currently proclaiming 5 scriptures. And then we pray for our family. We pray for everyone we know who doesn't know Jesus that we personally know. So19:24 that's around 42 people and then we pray for all those people who we know personally who are sick.19:33 Wow.19:33 Then we pray for our staff and then we get out of bed and we then do, Killy, our stretches. We stretch. Okay. That's a big thing.19:45 Yes. Don't we? We do all of our stretching and just We do it quite a lot.19:50 We gotta19:50 show our heads and make mirrors work. Listen, imagine something. But something sometimes, Kelly, I'm always intrigued like, well, what do people do?19:58 You know, I'm like, you know, what does Aaron and Greg do? You know? Yeah. And I think sometimes when you tell people, people go, actually, I might pick up on 1 or 2 of those things. Right.20:09 Yeah. Oh,20:10 because of vision, that's it's great to hear.20:12 It's and then we Yeah. We have breakfast and we listen to scripture.20:16 So stretching wasn't a metaphor for some growth. You literally20:21 We literally stretch because we wanna have a good That's the idea.Show more In this video 0:00 Foundations of Marriage: Respect, Responsibility, Romance, and Resilience
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