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Navigating Grief: A Christian Perspective on Loss and Support | S2E8 BEYOND I DO PODCAST
December 5, 2024 · 53 min
In our journey through grief, we're reminded that it's not a process with a defined end, but rather a stone we carry in our pocket - always present, though its weight may lessen over time. This powerful metaphor invites us to embrace our grief as part of our ongoing spiritual journey. Just as Jesus wept for Lazarus, we too are allowed to grieve, even as people of faith. The story of Hannah in 1 Samuel teaches us about the importance of allowing others to grieve without trying to 'fix' their pain.
As we support loved ones through loss, we're called to simply be present, echoing God's promise in Isaiah 43:2 that He is with us through the waters. This message challenges us to cultivate empathy, patience, and understanding in our relationships, recognizing that each person's grief journey is unique and deserving of respect.
How to Lament Well
https://youtu.be/0g9ELH6yloE?si=eP8-HAcZeauVqGS2
Navigating Grief
https://www.youtube.com/live/UU-t804pMFo?si=xeczai--EubGVEKn
Care & Counseling at Patria
https://www.patria.church/care-and-counseling
--
Have a question about relationships? Ask us by clicking the link below!
https://patria.church.ai/form/BeyondIdo
_
BEYOND I DO: MARRIAGE COURSE
https://beyondido.thinkific.com/courses/beyond-I-do
--
Connect with Adam & Ashlee Mesa
https://instagram.com/amesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
https://instagram.com/ashleemesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
--
Don't forget to stay connected with us:
Instagram @beyond.ido
Tik Tok @beyond.ido
--
We've entered into an exciting new partnership with renowned jeweler Erin Barnett in Los Angeles. This partnership perfectly aligns with our love for relationships and jewelry. Whether you're looking for a special gift, an engagement ring, or a wedding band, Erin has you covered. And as part of the Beyond I Do community, you get exclusive discounts and the opportunity for a private showroom experience. It's time to celebrate your love with exquisite jewelry from our partner, Erin Barnett.
How to get the exclusive discount?
SEND HIM A DM and tell him you are part of the BEYOND I DO family or mention Adam Mesa.
https://www.instagram.com/by.barnett/?hl=en
https://bybarnett.com
Series Beyond the Letter December 5, 2024 · 53 min · Beyond the Letter
In our journey through grief, we're reminded that it's not a process with a defined end, but rather a stone we carry in our pocket - always present, though its weight may lessen over time. This powerful metaphor invites us to embrace our grief as part of our ongoing spiritual journey. Just as Jesus wept for Lazarus, we too are allowed to grieve, even as people of faith. The story of Hannah in 1 Samuel teaches us about the importance of allowing others to grieve without trying to 'fix' their pain. As we support loved ones through loss, we're called to simply be present, echoing God's promise in Isaiah 43:2 that He is with us through the waters. This message challenges us to cultivate empathy, patience, and understanding in our relationships, recognizing that each person's grief journey is unique and deserving of respect. How to Lament Well https://youtu.be/0g9ELH6yloE?si=eP8-HAcZeauVqGS2 Navigating Grief https://www.youtube.com/live/UU-t804pMFo?si=xeczai--EubGVEKn Care & Counseling at Patria https://www.patria.church/care-and-counseling -- Have a question about relationships? Ask us by clicking the link below! https://patria.church.ai/form/BeyondIdo _ BEYOND I DO: MARRIAGE COURSE https://beyondido.thinkific.com/courses/beyond-I-do -- Connect with Adam & Ashlee Mesa https://instagram.com/amesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA== https://instagram.com/ashleemesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA== -- Don't forget to stay connected with us: Instagram @beyond.ido Tik Tok @beyond.ido -- We've entered into an exciting new partnership with renowned jeweler Erin Barnett in Los Angeles. This partnership perfectly aligns with our love for relationships and jewelry. Whether you're looking for a special gift, an engagement ring, or a wedding band, Erin has you covered. And as part of the Beyond I Do community, you get exclusive discounts and the opportunity for a private showroom experience. It's time to celebrate your love with exquisite jewelry from our partner, Erin Barnett. How to get the exclusive discount? SEND HIM A DM and tell him you are part of the BEYOND I DO family or mention Adam Mesa. https://www.instagram.com/by.barnett/?hl=en https://bybarnett.com ...more Show the full description Show less In our journey through grief, we're reminded that it's not a process with a defined end, but rather a stone we carry in our pocket - always present, though its weight may lessen over time. This powerful metaphor invites us to embrace our grief as part of our ongoing spiritual journey. Just as Jesus wept for Lazarus, we too are allowed to grieve, even as people of faith. The story of Hannah in 1 Samuel teaches us about the importance of allowing others to grieve without trying to 'fix' their pain.
As we support loved ones through loss, we're called to simply be present, echoing God's promise in Isaiah 43:2 that He is with us through the waters. This message challenges us to cultivate empathy, patience, and understanding in our relationships, recognizing that each person's grief journey is unique and deserving of respect.
How to Lament Well
https://youtu.be/0g9ELH6yloE?si=eP8-HAcZeauVqGS2
Navigating Grief
https://www.youtube.com/live/UU-t804pMFo?si=xeczai--EubGVEKn
Care & Counseling at Patria
https://www.patria.church/care-and-counseling
--
Have a question about relationships? Ask us by clicking the link below!
https://patria.church.ai/form/BeyondIdo
_
BEYOND I DO: MARRIAGE COURSE
https://beyondido.thinkific.com/courses/beyond-I-do
--
Connect with Adam & Ashlee Mesa
https://instagram.com/amesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
https://instagram.com/ashleemesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
--
Don't forget to stay connected with us:
Instagram @beyond.ido
Tik Tok @beyond.ido
--
We've entered into an exciting new partnership with renowned jeweler Erin Barnett in Los Angeles. This partnership perfectly aligns with our love for relationships and jewelry. Whether you're looking for a special gift, an engagement ring, or a wedding band, Erin has you covered. And as part of the Beyond I Do community, you get exclusive discounts and the opportunity for a private showroom experience. It's time to celebrate your love with exquisite jewelry from our partner, Erin Barnett.
How to get the exclusive discount?
SEND HIM A DM and tell him you are part of the BEYOND I DO family or mention Adam Mesa.
https://www.instagram.com/by.barnett/?hl=en
https://bybarnett.com
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Adam Mesa is Lead Pastor of Patria Church and speaks to a congregation of 12,000 about how the gospel of Jesus Christ brings purpose to every life. Patria
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In this video 0:00 Navigating Grief and Loss
Navigating Grief and Loss 0:12 Have we started with?0:13 Probably.0:13 Oh, yeah. We are. Oh. We're in there. Right?0:14 I know. Online. Thanks thanks for that gift.0:16 Online. We're online. What's up, everybody? Welcome to Beyond I Do. We got a fairly short episode for you today, but we're gonna jump in. What? He did your haircut different. It's shorter. You just cut it shorter on the0:28 top. That's a0:29 lot of the spirit of0:29 everything. Yeah. Yeah. Not a compliment. Just hair cut different. Alright.0:34 Do you0:34 what do you think? Or do you I'll just be thinking about it all day. Yeah. I'll be going on a ride. I had0:39 a nightmare that Aaron let his hair grow, and it was like, woah.0:43 Dude, I was just gonna show you. Short. You can't go.0:46 Man, I was gonna send a TikTok to y'all last night, like, hey, Aaron, leave you.0:51 Next fall, he was like, he was a guy with dreads.0:54 And then I legit got scared because I forgot that Colin took the girls home and so he was sitting on the couch and all from a distance, I just saw like a shiny head. I was like, he shaved his head. And then I was like,
1:06 oh, that's Colin.
1:06 Oh, that's
1:06 just my son-in-law. It's ugly on him. It's messed up. She's like, I was concerned until I realized that's not my husband. God cut Colin's here. So God is Colin's barber. Colin
1:18 went God was like, taking that from you. Alright, everybody. Welcome to Beyond I Do.
1:27 But you look nice.
1:28 No. You can't do that right now. You can't, Sarco. You can't do that. We're good. Yeah. It's like
1:34 Too late.
1:37 We were supposed to finish this episode by a certain time, but Ashley decided to do her makeup, and then she's still talking about offline online. Alright, everybody. Welcome. We're in the house today because we're
1:49 handling a topic. We took some q and a not too long ago, and we got a few questions dealing with grief. And so what we wanted to talk about today was, I already had the
2:01 questions. I went through them, but a lot of people asked about, you know, how does a believer process grief losing a loved 1? But also being that this is beyond, I do got some questions about, hey. How can I support my
2:12 spouse who's experiencing losing a family member, someone they're very close to, someone they love? And also, you know, I'm married and maybe I lost the person that that's grieving. Like, what what can I,
2:24 like, what can I be aware of that my spouse is gonna be going through feeling like, a lot of times when our spouse goes through something, we most of us, we wanna try and fix it, try and help them? And grief is 1 of
2:34 those things you can't fix and you can't just get rid of. And so it can often feel like if you're that spouse who's supporting, it feels like you're failing. If you have this perception that, hey, I'm trying to fix this
2:45 or I'm trying to make sure that this, you know, I take away their pain or I try to make them happy, but grief is, this natural thing that that, we have to go through. And so, as we talk about
2:57 it, you know, we could talk about it from whatever angle. I mean, at first, we could probably just say since we are new, like, oh, Aaron and Erica would be good for this episode. Eric has gone through, you know, grief.
3:09 Ashley's gone through grief. And so we're like, okay. We could probably talk about that. So maybe at first just you guys share, like, you know, who you guys have lost in your life, and then we could jump into, like,
3:19 support how your spouse supports. Go for it.
3:22 Sure.
3:23 By the way, for those listening on audio, we have Erin and Erica in the house, and then my wife, Ashley, is in here.
3:28 I like the way you're like, do you wanna go first?
3:31 Yes. I'm just kidding.
3:32 No. So, I lost my brother. It's been 15 years now. Yeah. In 2009, September 20 fourth. He died suddenly while he was at work, from a heat stroke. So it was
3:44 an unexpected death, obviously. Not that when it's expected, it makes it easier. So it was just a sudden death, and he left behind a wife. And at that time, 5 year old daughter. She was
3:56 fine. So, yeah, navigating the loss of my brother, but more so navigating also, like, I'm going through my own grief, but navigating being there
4:08 for my mom as she lost a son, I think was more difficult for me because I I didn't understand, like, her level of loss because I'm not a mom who lost a child. Yeah.
4:21 Naturally, in my family or just being Latina and the oldest of the family, we take on a lot of responsibility. So when my brother passed away, I took on all the responsibility of,
4:32 like, coordinating, you know, mortuary, all that because everyone else was emotionally not in a state to, like, handle some stuff. Right? And I would, like, clean up my
4:44 face, clean up my posture, do what I had to do. And then in the middle of the night, I would just bawl myself to sleep with Aaron hold me. And so that's how who I lost and what I experienced in that
4:56 beginning of of stages of loss for me.
4:58 Yeah. Yeah. And Ashley.
5:02 It was my dad in March 20 first 20 20, and it was from, battling stage 4, colon cancer. Mhmm. And he had was diagnosed in
5:13 2013. So over the last over those 7 years, it was a different surgeries that he was in and out, and that just so happened to be the time that you and I had I think we met maybe 3 or
5:25 4 months after he was diagnosed and I had moved back home. So 1 thing about us is through his process of cancer, we, as a family,
5:37 really never talked about it. It was 1 of those things where if you don't talk about it, it's not there. And so, correct me if I'm wrong. I mean, we never brought it up, and I never brought up with me.
5:47 Well, yeah. And, also, I mean, I think many of us, like, are both of our because my dad had had, stage 4 cancer at 1 point too. Especially if you come from more of a word of faith healing background, it's this idea
5:59 that anything you admit, you give room to the enemy. And so there's this kind of, you know, a miss I would say misconception, but, you you know, everybody's theology is different. But saying if you talk about it, then
6:11 you're giving it life, and you're putting life to it, and you're saying, you know, you're giving an existence to it. And so I think some of the theology was attached to that too, to just say, hey, we don't we don't talk
6:21 about and I and I think there's some truth in that in the level of, you know, your faith should be built up and there should be an expectation of healing. And so I I understand where it comes from, but you what you're
6:31 gonna get to probably right now, which is, like, when it's not talked about it, it's very hard to deal with it Right. Because everybody's dealing everybody's expected to deal with it on their own because no one's allowed
6:41 to talk about it. And that was like a rule at our house when my dad had cancer. You can never say the word. Mhmm. You would always have to say his, like, struggle or or his, how would we put it? He would say his
6:53 season. Mhmm. You know? And so it was like, we would never, like so we could and and if we said, hey, dad. How are you feeling? It was like, he'd always say, feeling great. You know? Because it was a admission of
7:05 faith. You know? And it was and really, he was feeling terrible. Yeah. But then for us, it felt like, well, you know, how how is dad doing?
7:13 Right. Right.
7:14 You can't walk up the stairs, so I don't think he's doing great, but, you know, so Yeah. Yeah. There's child you you face those same
7:20 challenges too. Yeah. So that was something where I felt like my parents and and I think that's just naturally how my parents raised me was it was like, if you don't know, it's better to not know.
7:32 So the fact that they wouldn't tell us how his what what the prognosis was or how serious it was or educate us on, okay, this is what it looks like in his blood, and this this has levels
7:44 high today or it's low today or whatever that meant. And, looking back, sometimes I wish they would have just to have more education, along the lines and saying, like, hey.
7:57 What are you it's always in now in the grieving process, the what ifs that that I'm in the grief of right now of, like, what if we did? But, back to the story as far as, then 2000
8:06 usually parents who are who are trying to protect Yeah. You know, their children and don't want them to bear the weight Right. You know Right. Of all those things and stuff like that. Yeah.
8:15 Yeah. So then in September 20 19 or August about June, July, August, he said is which he had gone through his last surgery. I wanna say it was July. And they're like, we
8:27 removed everything. Everything 20 19, we removed everything. Everything's gone. He's clean. He's out. You're good. So he goes on in about August. So July, August, September, August, September, he says his back's starting
8:38 to hurt really bad. And so we're like, okay. He's just having back pain. He's gone through all these surgeries and everything like that. His body is just trying to build its strength back up. So he's doing procedures.
8:49 And, if this back procedure doesn't work, then we don't know what will work. So it worked for, like, all of a week, and he's like, he's in his mind, I believe he made it seem like it worked. The week after, the
9:01 beginning of October, he's like, my back is excruciating pain. So come end of October, he ends up going to get, basically to check up again, for his cancer, or just to see, like,
9:13 hey. He's in remission. And come to find out he was not. It had grown. It had mastosized. It was in his back. It was everywhere, and there was nothing pretty much that they can do. So then from that point, it was
9:25 just believing in faith, changing his diet, saying, like, hey, the the the chemo. My dad didn't ever finish chemo. He he tried to do the holistic lifestyle, which that is a really extremely hard dedicated,
9:39 alter route, yeah, that he never went through. So my dad never fully went through anything, and he never finished anything, when it came to his cancer. Treatment. Treat his treatment. Sorry.
9:51 When he came to his treatment. And so then, as of January, December, January, and February, it was just the decline of just his body losing weight,
10:03 not eating, and then it was in March of when he passed. And that was something that was hard because I think looking back now over the 7 years, I think we were
10:15 grieving for 7 years of the unknown of, like, could this surgery can this last I think I wanna say he had maybe 4. In total, 4 or 5. I can't remember. 4 and 5 surgeries. But it was like, is he gonna make it out of this
10:26 1? Is he gonna make it out of this 1? 1 of the surgeries I even remember, he went in, and you sat with me all night, remember, and he went in, and the doctor went in, and he's like, oh, I
10:38 can't do this, and sewed him back up. So imagine my dad going in thinking he's getting the tumor removed, thinking he's gonna be a clean clean bill of health, like, then he's gonna go into this remission period that
10:50 they've got it all. The doctor literally goes in and sees he's like, this is too in in Aggressive. Not even a it was too intricate on where it was.
11:00 Oh, yeah. Remember? Invasive.
11:02 Invasive and stuff.
11:02 He's like
11:03 It would be too risky to Yes. Remove it, what what it was like. He
11:06 basically said, I'm not the 1 to do it, but I know the 1 to do it. So he so imagine my dad going in surgery and then him waking up thinking it's done, and they're like, hey. The
11:18 there he couldn't do it. He didn't feel comfortable doing it. So we found the doctor that did feel comfortable doing it. It removed everything what we thought, but it had already spread by that point in time. Yeah. So
11:29 during that time, after my dad had passed, it was it's 1 thing that I know we have talked about is the statement that people make that is that I don't really agree with is I know what you're
11:41 going through when you've lost someone. And I think that we need to change that language. And just because you lose someone, I don't know what Erica went through losing her brother. I have no idea.
11:51 Mhmm.
11:51 I don't know her relationship. I don't know her friendship. I don't know the time spent. I don't know the memories that they were lost, the memories that were supposed to be built. So that statement, I think a lot of
12:00 people use loosely. And sometimes it's like, sometimes you don't need to say anything because me resonating with you in a grieving moment doesn't make me feel better. Mhmm. The fact that you've lost someone does not make
12:11 me feel better. Yeah. It makes me feel worse because you've lost someone. And I know the pain that I'm going through because I've lost someone and I'm hurting, and I'm broken, and you're telling me you're going through
12:21 the same thing, I that sucks.
12:23 Mhmm.
12:23 Yeah.
12:23 But in reality, it it's more so, like, when you you you never said even losing family members, you would never even say, hey, Ashley. I know what you're going through. Mhmm. So, yeah. And so us
12:35 going through it, my sister is gonna be grieving different moments of my dad not being able to walk her down the aisle, different moments of him not being able to see her have kids. Mhmm. So there's certain things where
12:46 even me as a sister have to be sensitive on the way that I communicate with my own sister because I got to experience a lot of those things with my dad, and she doesn't get to. So there's still this fine line that I'm
12:57 walking as a considerate sister of, like, and loving to say, like, you still have a process that you're gonna have to get over. Not get over, but a hump that's you're gonna have to
13:08 re You're gonna go through.
13:09 Through. Yeah.
13:10 Yeah. Yeah.
13:11 So yeah. Grieving is is is something. And, I mean, you could speak to it as far as or even Aaron, just on how you guys navigated with us in those moments of
13:22 just weeping. Because I know with Adam, for me, he would comfort me in a way that of just a hug. That's all I needed. I didn't need him to tell me, like, well, your dad loved you. I knew that. Like, I knew my
13:34 dad loved me. But it was more so that, like, the compassion and just being there as a spouse and seeing me, and validating my feelings and not feeling, like, get
13:46 over it, like, sort of thing. Like, he's in heaven. You should be happy. Yeah. I'm happy, but I want him here. Like
13:51 Right. Yeah. So Yeah. I mean Yeah. And I mean, I think there'd be times that I would, you know, I, you know, I would say, you know, in most of the time, like, sometimes you're, like, early on, you know, you
14:03 cry a lot throughout the day. But, like, as time progressed, there's a lot of times would be at night, you know, either you're looking back at pictures or just laying in bed and you're thinking about your dead and I and
14:13 so I can hear you, you know, next to me crying and stuff like that. And so, I, you know, I just asked the question like, oh, are you crying right now? You know, because it's dark. I can't I can't see you. So I'd be like,
14:24 oh, are you crying right now? And you're like, yeah. And then I would just be like, your dad? And say, yeah. And, you know, you wanna tell me how you're feeling right now? And sometimes you'd be like, yeah. I'm just I'm
14:33 mad. Or, you know, I don't get it. Or why why do why do why do other people who treat their body like crap get to live till 90? And and my dad, he, you know, he's an elder at church, and he loved the Lord.
14:45 He loves his family. Love you know, and and and, you know, we know the answer to those things, but when you're grieving, you process of questioning and anger and doubt and, you know, just this this process of things you
14:57 go through. And so I would just I would let you, hey. Let like, feel free. Talk it out loud. You wanna tell me how you're feeling? Sometimes you'd be like, no. I you know, I'm fine. I'm just this is how I'm feeling.
15:06 Okay. Great. You know, other times, you know, you'd say, you wanna tell me how you're feeling? Yeah. Does this ever end? You know? And it's like, yeah. You know you know, I'm gonna be honest. Short answer is no. It it
15:17 doesn't. You know? But but when the pain comes, embrace it. Grieve it. No. Don't let we're not gonna let this, you know, I'd I'd say things like, you you know, your dad would never want us to pause life
15:29 to grieve him. Right. And so we wanna continue to pursue life the way the way we honor him is through his legacy and and through talking store making fun of him and bringing stories up and, you know, not saying, oh,
15:41 he's the name that can't shouldn't be named anymore because it's too hard for us. Well, then that's where our legacy dies. That's where our memory dies where we say, hey. It hurts us too much that we can't talk about it.
15:51 So I would just support trying to support you as much as possible. It's like, hey. When you want to, you know, let me know how you're feeling. When you're when you're angry, let me know that you're angry. When when you
16:01 need space, let me know that you need space. When you just need to go spend time with your family, like, let me know. You know? Like, there's, you know, I just try to create as as wide as a
16:12 road that I could create for you that to to help you discover what you needed while you were grieving. And, you know, I'm a pastor, and so we walk I walk people through grief, and I do
16:24 funerals and then stuff. So I I, you know, I have a well of experience that I can kind of draw from, but, you know, it's just like a doctor. It's like, you know, you could give out prescriptions all day long, but when
16:35 you gotta take the medicine, it's much harder. So, you know, for us going through grieving, it was like, you would ask me questions and I'm like, well, here's what I'm supposed to say. You know? Like, here's what I
16:47 tell people, but, like, yeah. It's you know, I never tell anyone. It this sucks. And I'm telling you, you're my wife. I could tell you this sucks. And there's people when they ask, does it go away? I say, oh, in time,
16:57 you know, and I give you I'm like, but I'll tell you, no. It doesn't. You know? Like, it's a it's a wound and it leaves a scar and it's, you know, it's there. But but, yeah, does the the does the deep emotion, you
17:09 know, become less and less? Like, yeah, at times, but but it's still there. You know? And so that was just encouraging you to and, you know, 1 of the things, it was probably like a year, after your dad
17:21 had passed and and and you were crying another night. And you said he said something along the lines, like, I just feel like God, it would be upset with me about, like, that I'm still grieving and I'm
17:32 still so mad about it. And and I was just like, no. You know, the lord Lord's not upset that you're still, wrestling with this and you're still grieving. Everybody's process of grief is different. Some
17:44 people, you know, find peace within weeks. Some people find peace within years. You know? Some people don't have peace until they stand before Jesus and ask him himself, why did this happen? You know?
17:56 And and whatever it is, like, you know, we have to try to find joy where we can, but also grieve when we need to. And so that was just something that, like because you were, like, really about a year in, you were,
18:08 like, really upset because you were just, like, this still hurts, and this sucks. And I'm so mad still, and and I feel like I'm not a good Christian because I still feel this way. And I feel like if I was a good
18:17 Christian, I would have just gotten over this feeling. Not that you miss him or you grieve, but just the natural, like, why? You know, that big question mark. You you thought if I was a better Christian, I would have had
18:28 that resolved much sooner, and I was just like, no. That's not that's not how that this happens, and that's not how how how this goes. And so those were just some things I think we walked through. Did you did you do
18:40 anything specific walking with Erica?
18:42 I would say this past September 20 fourth, Erica comes home, and she said, I had a hard moment. And then we held each other in our in our room.
18:53 Mhmm.
18:54 And, you know, what I would say is, like, we don't have training in grief. Mhmm. Like, grief is unscheduled.
19:03 Like, right
19:03 now, it's raining. I didn't know it was gonna rain. I went running today.
19:06 Yeah. Yeah. I went running.
19:08 Yeah. But in our family chat, Faith's like, bruh, it's hailing.
19:11 And then,
19:12 like, like and then, like, Faith is I mean, Erica is like, I see the cloud over Rancho right now.
19:18 Mhmm.
19:19 And that that's just how grief is. Like, where it's like, it starts raining. I instantly oh, shoot. Is it gonna rain in corona this Sunday? I'm looking at you know? And and so that that's how grief happens where
19:31 it's like, there's just this cloud. Mhmm. And then it's like, okay. How do we adjust right now? So that that was just this, about a little bit over a month ago. There was a moment,
19:42 and here's how we've changed over the years. Like, I would I would do a poor job of trying to ensure she's fine.
19:51 Mhmm.
19:52 So so this past September 20 fourth, I was praying for my wife because she had put a post on Instagram and it, honoring our brother and then added me, and
20:04 I shared it. So I'm praying for my wife through the day. So I'm already I'm already, like, just prayerful for my wife. Yeah. So then when my wife comes home and we hold each other, then
20:16 that's the moment, but that's all she needed.
20:20 She didn't
20:21 need okay. Well, I sit down. Let me let's
20:23 Yeah. Yeah.
20:23 That's why and after that, she was fine. So here's here's what now I know my my wife and I have been married 17 years. I didn't have a well of now you said so so you I didn't I
20:35 wasn't pastoring then. I didn't know pastor Kenny. I didn't alright? So so, you know, you know, when you're in love and you see your wife in tears, what can I do? Like, how
20:47 can I fix this? You know? And sometimes, you know, a husband would get tricked, like, you're not doing it.
20:53 Mhmm. Mhmm.
20:54 You're just not doing enough. Your wife is still crying. Step up.
20:57 Be a
20:57 good husband.
20:58 Solve solve this.
20:59 Yeah. Yeah. And I and I, I
21:01 think in the beginning, it was tough too because of that reason. Yeah. Like, he wanted to fix it. Like you said, like, how can I just have her not cry? And we would fight. Remember? We would fight. Like,
21:13 I'm trying to help you, and I'm like, I don't need you to do all that. Like, I don't like
21:18 And my wife is You wanna go
21:19 out to eat? You wanna let's get busy. Like, what can you do? Busy your mind.
21:23 Here's what I know here's what I know about my wife now. Yeah. My wife, she she she perseveres. Right? But she can have a high moment of joy.
21:35 Yeah. And then, like, 5 minutes later, boom, it changes. And then, like, 7 minutes later,
21:39 I'm done. Yeah.
21:40 Yeah. Yeah.
21:40 I'm the opposite.
21:41 Like, I'm not right? You're like
21:43 so she had that moment, and then, like, oh, that moment's over. Yeah.
21:46 You guys wanna dance? You know?
21:48 And I'm like, wait. What about all this? Wait. What are we doing all this? Oh, I'm fine. That was nothing. And so I've learned that over the I've learned that over the years that the person that's
21:59 grieving, I would just say, like, to spouses listening, just be there. Mhmm. They're not gonna even remember what you said. Right. They're just gonna remember who was there.
22:11 I I remember what what Tissues have made it to the table. So for for and I keep it together. For my
22:19 for my Mexican mom. I I I believe I have a beautiful relationship with my Mexican mom, and and she didn't know how to celebrate family things.
22:31 So we would go to weddings, and different people get married, and all the family come together. And then she would go off to a room by herself. And it's like, okay. Be a son. Mhmm. Because
22:43 she lost her son.
22:45 Mhmm.
22:45 Be a son. So if if she didn't feel like dancing, if she didn't feel like partying, then I'm just gonna sit in this room with with the coats. Mhmm. And and it's not like, Erica's
22:57 mom is a talker.
22:58 Mhmm.
22:59 We weren't talking, But
23:01 but like
23:01 me. Yeah.
23:04 But I'm just right there. And it's not like she's super affectionate. It was so weird, like, because it's like, I'm an affectionate guy, but does she want me to hold her?
23:11 I don't know. I I
23:12 but I just sat there. Yeah. This is quite and it's and but, you know, I I there there's this there's this verse in first Samuel. There's a wife,
23:24 Hannah, who couldn't get pregnant, and she's grieving the fact that she couldn't get pregnant. And then the husband overcorrects, and he says something foolish because
23:36 he can't he's he's he's blaming himself for his wife's tears. He's putting it on him, and he goes to his wife and he says, aren't I worth 10 sons? Meaning that, like,
23:48 hey, you still got me. Yeah. And then it's like, I know I got you. This is not about you. Yeah. This is about the fact that I want a son and I'm praying
23:56 to God.
23:56 So just be next to me. So there would be times where I would be that foolish husband. Yo, like, we're blessed. Or you're you're you know? And because, like, my wife, her favorite color is yellow. She's a ray
24:08 of sunshine. Anytime my wife's in a room, she makes like, if it's here, it goes a little higher Mhmm. Because she she knows how to do it. So then when she's not there
24:16 Oh, yeah.
24:16 Yeah. Yeah. Brings the space down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
24:19 So it's like Thanks
24:20 for acknowledging that.
24:21 Yeah. Yeah.
24:22 Well, Ashley, same problem. She's like, am I behind? Like, I'm supposed to be the life of the party. I can't have a bad day. And it's like, well, you can't be proud when you affect the room high and not think that whenShow more
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