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Navigating Body Image and Sex in Marriage | BEYOND I DO | S1E29
April 4, 2024 · 54 min
Feeling comfortable in our own skin, especially in the intimate quarters of marriage, can be a complex dance of emotions and self-perception. Imagine opening up to your partner about the deepest insecurities that haunt your body image, or better yet, embracing those very insecurities to find a deeper connection. That's exactly where we venture in this heartfelt episode as we navigate the sensitive topic of body dysmorphia and its profound impact on marital intimacy. From the physical changes ushered in by childbirth and breastfeeding to the hormonal upheavals that challenge both women and men, we share personal stories and insights that promise to resonate with many.
There's a delicate balance in supporting a partner through body image changes, and we don't shy away from the emotional complexities it adds to a relationship. The journey is not just about recognizing and empathizing with one's spouse but learning the nuances of communicating support without offense. Our candid conversation peels back the layers of self-image struggles within marriage, the adjustments in intimacy that come with life's transformations, and the path to fostering a supportive environment as a couple embraces a new chapter of life.
With transparency and a touch of humor, we discuss how external stressors and health issues can disrupt the harmony of hormonal balance and intimacy, urging couples to adapt and communicate openly.
It's not just an exploration of personal challenges, but also an affirmation of the strength found in camaraderie and the deep connection that grows from shared vulnerability. So grab your partner, settle in, and let's discover the beauty of navigating these universal struggles together.
--
Connect with Nathan and Sanaz Mesa
https://www.instagram.com/nathanjmesa/
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sanazmesa/
Tik Tok https://www.tiktok.com/@sanazmesa?lan...
Abundant Women https://www.instagram.com/alfcwomen/
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Couples Card Game: https://a.co/d/3InL8wZ
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BEYOND I DO: MARRIAGE COURSE
https://beyondido.thinkific.com/courses/beyond-I-do
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Connect with Adam & Ashlee Mesa
https://instagram.com/amesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
https://instagram.com/ashleemesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
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Don't forget to stay connected with us:
Instagram @beyond.ido
Tik Tok @beyond.ido
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Dave Ramsey Course https://www.ramseysolutions.com/ramseyplus/hosts/alfcranchoca?pc=78239020
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Have a question about relationships? Ask us by clicking the link below!
https://alfc.church.ai/form/BeyondIdo
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We've entered into an exciting new partnership with renowned jeweler Erin Barnett in Los Angeles. This partnership perfectly aligns with our love for relationships and jewelry. Whether you're looking for a special gift, an engagement ring, or a wedding band, Erin has you covered. And as part of the Beyond I Do community, you get exclusive discounts and the opportunity for a private showroom experience. It's time to celebrate your love with exquisite jewelry from our partner, Erin Barnett.
How to get the exclusive discount?
SEND HIM A DM and tell him you are part of the BEYOND I DO family or mention Adam Mesa.
https://www.instagram.com/by.barnett/?hl=en
https://bybarnett.com
Series Beyond the Letter April 4, 2024 · 54 min · Beyond the Letter
Feeling comfortable in our own skin, especially in the intimate quarters of marriage, can be a complex dance of emotions and self-perception. Imagine opening up to your partner about the deepest insecurities that haunt your body image, or better yet, embracing those very insecurities to find a deeper connection. That's exactly where we venture in this heartfelt episode as we navigate the sensitive topic of body dysmorphia and its profound impact on marital intimacy. From the physical changes ushered in by childbirth and breastfeeding to the hormonal upheavals that challenge both women and men, we share personal stories and insights that promise to resonate with many. There's a delicate balance in supporting a partner through body image changes, and we don't shy away from the emotional complexities it adds to a relationship. The journey is not just about recognizing and empathizing with one's spouse but learning the nuances of communicating support without offense. Our candid conversation peels back the layers of self-image struggles within marriage, the adjustments in intimacy that come with life's transformations, and the path to fostering a supportive environment as a couple embraces a new chapter of life. With transparency and a touch of humor, we discuss how external stressors and health issues can disrupt the harmony of hormonal balance and intimacy, urging couples to adapt and communicate openly. It's not just an exploration of personal challenges, but also an affirmation of the strength found in camaraderie and the deep connection that grows from shared vulnerability. So grab your partner, settle in, and let's discover the beauty of navigating these universal struggles together. -- Connect with Nathan and Sanaz Mesa https://www.instagram.com/nathanjmesa/ Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sanazmesa/ Tik Tok https://www.tiktok.com/@sanazmesa?lan... Abundant Women https://www.instagram.com/alfcwomen/ -- Couples Card Game: https://a.co/d/3InL8wZ -- BEYOND I DO: MARRIAGE COURSE https://beyondido.thinkific.com/courses/beyond-I-do -- Connect with Adam & Ashlee Mesa https://instagram.com/amesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA== https://instagram.com/ashleemesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA== -- Don't forget to stay connected with us: Instagram @beyond.ido Tik Tok @beyond.ido -- Dave Ramsey Course https://www.ramseysolutions.com/ramseyplus/hosts/alfcranchoca?pc=78239020 -- Have a question about relationships? Ask us by clicking the link below! https://alfc.church.ai/form/BeyondIdo -- We've entered into an exciting new partnership with renowned jeweler Erin Barnett in Los Angeles. This partnership perfectly aligns with our love for relationships and jewelry. Whether you're looking for a special gift, an engagement ring, or a wedding band, Erin has you covered. And as part of the Beyond I Do community, you get exclusive discounts and the opportunity for a private showroom experience. It's time to celebrate your love with exquisite jewelry from our partner, Erin Barnett. How to get the exclusive discount? SEND HIM A DM and tell him you are part of the BEYOND I DO family or mention Adam Mesa. https://www.instagram.com/by.barnett/?hl=en https://bybarnett.com ...more Show the full description Show less Feeling comfortable in our own skin, especially in the intimate quarters of marriage, can be a complex dance of emotions and self-perception. Imagine opening up to your partner about the deepest insecurities that haunt your body image, or better yet, embracing those very insecurities to find a deeper connection. That's exactly where we venture in this heartfelt episode as we navigate the sensitive topic of body dysmorphia and its profound impact on marital intimacy. From the physical changes ushered in by childbirth and breastfeeding to the hormonal upheavals that challenge both women and men, we share personal stories and insights that promise to resonate with many.
There's a delicate balance in supporting a partner through body image changes, and we don't shy away from the emotional complexities it adds to a relationship. The journey is not just about recognizing and empathizing with one's spouse but learning the nuances of communicating support without offense. Our candid conversation peels back the layers of self-image struggles within marriage, the adjustments in intimacy that come with life's transformations, and the path to fostering a supportive environment as a couple embraces a new chapter of life.
With transparency and a touch of humor, we discuss how external stressors and health issues can disrupt the harmony of hormonal balance and intimacy, urging couples to adapt and communicate openly.
It's not just an exploration of personal challenges, but also an affirmation of the strength found in camaraderie and the deep connection that grows from shared vulnerability. So grab your partner, settle in, and let's discover the beauty of navigating these universal struggles together.
--
Connect with Nathan and Sanaz Mesa
https://www.instagram.com/nathanjmesa/
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sanazmesa/
Tik Tok https://www.tiktok.com/@sanazmesa?lan...
Abundant Women https://www.instagram.com/alfcwomen/
--
Couples Card Game: https://a.co/d/3InL8wZ
--
BEYOND I DO: MARRIAGE COURSE
https://beyondido.thinkific.com/courses/beyond-I-do
--
Connect with Adam & Ashlee Mesa
https://instagram.com/amesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
https://instagram.com/ashleemesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
--
Don't forget to stay connected with us:
Instagram @beyond.ido
Tik Tok @beyond.ido
--
Dave Ramsey Course https://www.ramseysolutions.com/ramseyplus/hosts/alfcranchoca?pc=78239020
--
Have a question about relationships? Ask us by clicking the link below!
https://alfc.church.ai/form/BeyondIdo
--
We've entered into an exciting new partnership with renowned jeweler Erin Barnett in Los Angeles. This partnership perfectly aligns with our love for relationships and jewelry. Whether you're looking for a special gift, an engagement ring, or a wedding band, Erin has you covered. And as part of the Beyond I Do community, you get exclusive discounts and the opportunity for a private showroom experience. It's time to celebrate your love with exquisite jewelry from our partner, Erin Barnett.
How to get the exclusive discount?
SEND HIM A DM and tell him you are part of the BEYOND I DO family or mention Adam Mesa.
https://www.instagram.com/by.barnett/?hl=en
https://bybarnett.com
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Adam Mesa is Lead Pastor of Patria Church and speaks to a congregation of 12,000 about how the gospel of Jesus Christ brings purpose to every life. Patria
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In this video 0:00 Navigating Body Image and Intimacy in Marriage1:02 Wait. Is your haircut a 10? Oh, he doesn't go to Daniel. I don't
1:05 go to Daniel.
1:06 Oh. 0. I was like, wait a
1:07 second. Wait
1:08 a minute.
1:10 How can he cut 2 heads? That's not no.
1:11 Nathan doesn't drive far. We found out he has 6000 miles and he's had his car for 3 years.
1:18 Yeah. Nathan Nathan has no allegiance to anyone. It's like, who's your biber barber? It's like, there's 4 to whoever Whoever
1:24 can take
1:25 me when I need it.
1:26 When I want it. Yeah. Generally, I have a time in the barber has to work with it. So if that would not work, then I call another, and I gotta call another, and I call another. It's, like, 3 or 4 guys.
1:34 A roll of the dice.
1:35 Yeah. Just 1.
1:37 Just 1.
1:37 It's, alright. We've worked need
1:39 you to sit up, like, a little he's high.
1:41 I think his chair's really
1:42 low. Yeah.
1:45 Harry was
1:45 on that last. He might have
1:47 put it in here.
1:47 Makes sense. There we go. That was the camera. There we go.
1:51 Yeah. He might have put it lower. What's up, everybody? Welcome to Beyond. I do. Thanks for joining us in the house. Thank you so much for all the great, comments and shares of the podcast.
2:03 Always love reading people's comments on what they connect with in, the podcast. And so appreciate you guys tagging us all the time on Instagram, active in, reviewing it in
2:15 your podcast feeds and stuff like that. Today is a great episode because we've had some conversations and questions come in from, married couples. So this is gonna be 1 of those married,
2:27 conversations, married couple conversations, but it's a great 1. If you're not married yet, it's 1 you should lean into because it's something you probably will encounter when you get married 1 day. And here is the
2:37 thought and question that, many people bring up in Well,
2:40 we have Hi. My lovely sister-in-law, Sanaz Messe. Wow. And there's Well,
2:47 they were all they were already recording, so I felt like they got a really quick introduction to you both singing.
2:52 And Nathan. And Nathan. And Nathan. And Nathan. And Nathan.
2:57 We got, Nathan in the house, Sanaa's in the house.
3:00 Nicky, Sanaa.
3:00 And then hosted by Adam and Ashley. Mesa. There you go.
3:04 So we
3:04 now get into the question. Alright. The question is
3:07 What are
3:07 we talking about?
3:08 Many people, many couples that as a husband and wife have children, many women, sometimes some men, but it's mostly in the women's category. Many women struggle
3:20 with body dysmorphia in their intimacy, whether it be after children even before, but, many couples will experience and we get comments from people like, hey. You should talk about this. And so we're like,
3:32 I'll be a good conversation to tap in Nathan as soon as on, but many women, whether it be after they not because you have it, not because you have it, but it's just a good open based
3:44 conversation that women, whether it be after breastfeeding, and we we hear tons of things, like, after a woman's body changes, maybe when they're intimate with their husband, they will always want the lights off for now
3:55 on. Sure. Other women want to wear a bra wear a bra or wear a baggy shirt while they're intimate. Men who maybe struggle with body dysmorphia, have
4:07 different elements where they wanna wear a t shirt during intimacy or, couples don't wanna have fun and explore each other sexually and maybe in the shower or somewhere else because they don't want their spouse
4:19 looking at them or I wanna hide my figure or whatever it may be. And so, it's a very real thing because most most men that you talk to, normally, they're like, man, I don't care about that. I wanna see your body. I want
4:29 it also helps me with intimacy and all that. But the but the wife generally is like, after I've had children, I'm not confident anymore. I haven't had children, but period. I'm not not confident with my body and yada
4:39 yada yada. So they asked that question or thought we should talk about it, and Ashley has had her days where she had struggled with that. Mhmm. You guys both have had your own
4:51 various versions of that. And so I thought we open the conversation to first of all, tell us what you guys think about that question and where you wanna take it from there. I think
5:01 it's a good question. It's a real question. I mean, in the sense of I think it's real across marriages in a variety of ways. The Sanaa's definitely felt that after having kids.
5:12 For sure.
5:13 Definitely. And so as a husband, you're entering a new territory, so you for sure have to begin to kinda recognize that your wife is not only changing hormonally from kids in certain
5:24 ways, but obviously now more aware of her body in different ways. And so in the beginning, I definitely didn't understand it. You know, it took a little bit, and a little bit means just, you know, a
5:36 couple months of just kind of trial and error of conversation to make sure that we got to a point that I was trying to understand her as best as I could. Mhmm. Because
5:48 I could come off cold sometimes.
5:50 Yeah. Trial and error. Lot of error. No. It'd be true. I couldn't
5:54 come on cold
5:55 at times. So
5:57 I have We always want
5:58 our husbands to be honest with us. Nate Until they're honest with us.
6:03 If you had a dictionary If
6:04 you had a dictionary yeah. If you had a dictionary and had the word candor next to it, Nathan's picture would be
6:10 It's d n l.
6:11 Right there. Yeah.
6:13 We notice every, like, millimeter of change in our bodies. And maybe other people don't notice it, but we notice it on ourselves. And especially with birthing children,
6:24 there's a lot of thing. We you could be the same weight. You could be the same size, but a lot has changed with your body. And, like, he talked about hormonally. Like, that's a whole another topic when you talk about now
6:35 you're dealing with the hormones on top of your insecurities, on top of sleep deprivation, on top of all of that, and then, you know, you're stretched and and loose and, you know, you pee when you sneeze and
6:47 all these things that happen, after you have kids and you really feel unattractive. All of those things piled on to to 1 another
6:59 makes you not feel your best. And I can only imagine what it's like for a husband to who finds his wife attractive to navigate those conversations because I know you guys have had it and
7:11 we've had it. My husband will be like, I am so attracted to you, but I am not attracted to how much you hate your body.
7:19 Yeah. My insecurity out
7:20 of it. And and how how can I get you out of that? Like, do you want me to tell you to work out, or are you gonna punch me in the face if I tell you to work out?
7:29 Yeah.
7:29 You know? Like, where and I just
7:31 had to learn.
7:33 Should I
7:33 tell you not to eat that? Or it's just
7:35 that, you know
7:37 maybe if you stop getting that Yeah. Venti Frappuccino. Right.
7:43 Right. And so that's that's that's the game that you that you have to play. And and have we mastered it? No. But but, you know, you just work on it. But but, it's real.
7:55 Yeah.
7:55 Yeah.
7:55 It's real. And it Body dysmorphia is real.
7:57 I think for you, it happened more so after the second child. And yeah. So in the beginning, you're just kinda like, I I love you for who you are. Like, you just, you know, birthed another child of my
8:09 like, you know, I I'm so grateful for you, but, you know, she's magnifying these insecurities Mhmm. In her head because that's pretty much what body dysmorphia is. You're just kinda magnifying
8:21 an issue larger than what it even really is at times. You know, almost like looking at yourself in a in a fun mirror, you know, and seeing these things that are
8:29 It's not even, like, even post like, like, today, I I could have moments where I could wear an outfit and think that I, you know, construct my stuff and and
8:41 and be that girl. And I could wear the same outfit 2 weeks later, and it fits the same and I could see my biggest body in that outfit in the mirror, my
8:53 biggest body that I've ever been. And so it's like, why do I look 40 pounds heavier, 50 pounds heavier today in the same outfit that I did 2 weeks ago and I didn't gain any weight? Like, why why do I see that?
9:05 And it can completely ruin my mood. Completely. And there's really no way of getting me out
9:10 of it. And I can't even
9:12 explain it. And and so then
9:13 I don't wanna even talk about it. But then I'm just walking around, you know, you know, with a funky face, and it's just it can get really difficult. And I don't know I don't know what to say
9:24 because I don't know how to get out of seeing Yeah. That was the struggle for
9:31 us to see how to articulate it. So as a husband, how do I tell you I love you? You know, I love you for who you are. But then trying to I'm trying to figure out what she's feeling and going through. So then I could just
9:42 say stuff, well, if you're uncomfortable, go to the gym. If you're uncomfortable Yeah.
9:46 That doesn't work for me.
9:47 This. Right?
9:47 And then
9:47 That doesn't work for me at all.
9:48 That's the stuff you've obviously, you you you learn from. So I started approaching it a little different. And for you, I had to navigate a road of, giving
10:00 lots of compliments, almost daily for a period of time, continuing to validate you and what you meant to me and that I love you for who you are. And then kind of
10:10 Like, have you ever said, like, oh, girl, your booty looking good in them pants? Was those the type of comments you were
10:15 giving me? Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.
10:19 Big squeeze or
10:20 Superstars. I love that.
10:23 For sure. So then you just navigate, obviously, you know, okay. How do I speak to her differently then? Because, obviously, the first go around ain't working. So let me
10:31 try that. He thought, like, okay. Let me take her shopping and see you know, maybe I could, you know, maybe that'll inspire her.
10:38 Wardrobe look.
10:39 But then
10:39 what would happen is we would go shopping, and then nothing would fit me. And then I would start crying in the middle of the dressing room. You know? And and then he would have to be like, let's let's go get some coffee.
10:50 And I'd be like, okay.
10:51 You wanna go to Chick fil A?
10:52 I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.
10:54 I know.
10:54 I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I
10:58 know. I know was a little bit of an issue.
11:06 Freshman 40 when we got married. The new new married
11:11 But every time I talk to her, like,
11:13 the number kinda goes up 20 pounds every time. 2 32
11:17 33 5406 hundred pound life. That's how I felt. Yeah. No. I after we had got married, I was in love. And so I was in
11:28 love with being in love, and I loved food. So I would consume a lot of food, and I didn't work out as much during that time. So I gained
11:37 You didn't work out, like, at all at that time.
11:39 No. Well, thank you. So No. I mean, like, but you
11:42 you because I remember that. That's when I was I was working at 6 AM and working out. No. Yeah.
11:46 No. Not like now. Yeah.
11:48 Yeah.
11:48 So
11:48 I wasn't working out. So I was wearing a ton of big, like Yeah. Shawls and
11:54 It was like those those thick cotton kimonos. Yeah.
11:57 The ones that look like a Persian rug.
12:00 Yes. Like, the big ones. All day. That that
12:03 you With just a hole to put your arms in. Yep.
12:05 And you think it it it hides stuff, but it really But you're trying to make it look like a house. Yeah.
12:11 It made me look like a hot air balloon. So yeah.
12:15 So it's about because you were you were doing crossroad with me leading up to our wedding.
12:18 Yeah. And then I
12:19 saw And
12:19 then after Oh, so it was we were we were in and out. You know, we didn't have any kids. We're in and out. We're also was a young adult pastor. So with young adults, you're going to days. Yeah. You're going to late nights
12:31 at Sonic for icees after a service. You did Mhmm. So it's just like everything is kinda food based when you're in youth ministry and young adult ministry. So it was just, like, always, you know, out eating
12:43 outside and stuff like that, and then not much activity. So in 9 months after our wedding with you know, about 9 months later, you had not been confident about how much weight you had gained. And
12:53 Right.
12:53 With me, you were like you would turn off the lights when we were intimate. You wouldn't take off your bra or whatever. Like, there's a bunch of stuff you would do, but it was like Leave it on. You would, you know, yeah,
13:03 you would change if I wasn't in the room and all that kind of stuff like that. And,
13:07 Yeah. Because it was at that point in time too where I had never seen my body like that because you you take into consideration, like, I played soccer my whole life. So playing soccer your whole life, you cannot my
13:17 metabolism was
13:18 Mhmm.
13:18 Through the roof where I could work out all the time, but I got to eat whatever I wanted. I wasn't that athlete that was mindful of what I consumed because I was burning so many calories. So now getting married, I'm
13:29 thinking, oh, okay. I'm not much older, and I haven't stopped soccer that much. I still worked out, but I think I'm thinking, like, oh, I'm not gonna, it's not this isn't gonna catch up to me. Sure. And so then when I
13:40 look in the mirror and I see my stomach spilling over my pants, oh, I'm insecure because all I can think about is the athlete that I used to be.
13:49 Yeah.
13:49 And so that's the only thing I have in comparison to to where I was very insensitive too with him with the, like, you don't understand.
13:56 Yeah.
13:56 You don't understand what I'm going through because I used to be fit, 6 pack, cut everywhere, and now I'm, like, me feeling like this big schlob
14:08 while still going in and out. Mhmm. You know what I mean? Like, I would complain about it, complain about it, and not do anything about it. And so then and continue to consume the amount of food I did until 1 day, he was
14:18 just like, I'm done with seeing you in that doggone cardigan.
14:22 I was
14:22 like, if I see you in 1 day, Moon Moon Moon Moon
14:24 Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon Moon
14:24 Moon Moon Moon
14:33 I'm attracted to you regardless of your butt got bigger. Great. That's beneficial for me. Other areas where you may not feel confident in, do something about it. For sure. And that's the type of I need. If you
14:45 don't like it, then you need
14:46 to change it.
14:47 Because I've I've been raised like that. Like, you don't like it, then change it. Yeah. Do better for yourself then.
14:51 Yeah.
14:51 And so, that is how I respond. Like, you don't like it, then change it. Alright. You're right. So then I did, but then after, like, obviously, then we got had kids, and then there were other areas that I've never been a
15:03 big chesty girl ever in my life.
15:05 Well, no. And then also, you had what would be kind of different for most women after children. Our son, Matthias is 3 months old. You get diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. Hyperthyroidism. Yeah. You lose 30 pounds in
15:17 3 weeks. So you you literally look like like a like a POW camp survivor. You Right.
15:22 Because it ate all your muscles. Yeah.
15:24 It wasn't fat. It was your muscles gone, and so you had you had no strength. I had to when you had to press feet, I'd have to pick my thighs up and place them in your arms. Yeah. You were immensely ill and sick. You
15:36 had to get on, medication, which made you weak and tired. Mhmm. You couldn't go for walks. You would just have to sit outside. Mhmm. You, you were not confident,
15:48 naked even though you were your skinniest you had ever been, but you your your body hang your butt hang your thighs hang because you had no muscle elasticity because of the the illness that you were trying to
16:00 get the doctors to catch for months. Yeah. And they kept telling you it's just postpartum. It's just postpartum. Don't worry about it. And then finally, they caught it you caught it, went away when it wasn't, you know,
16:11 it was really risky now. And so
16:13 Well, Well, you went to the emergency room, what, twice or 3 times in a week?
16:17 3 times.
16:17 3 times. In 1 week. In 1 week. Yeah. Yeah.
16:19 And they just kept refusing and refusing and
16:21 You're like, you're fine. And they're like, I'm not fine.
16:23 You just had a baby. It's just you're just depressed. That's why you're losing weight. You're not eating. Blah blah blah.
16:28 Yeah. Even at the time, you're like, you're having a panic attack. Yeah.
16:31 We were at Disneyland, and I was like, are I think you're having a panic attack.Show more
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