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To Anyone Going Through a Break Up | BEYOND I DO PODCAST | S1E14
January 7, 2024 · 52 min
BEYOND I DO, EPISODE FOURTEEN!
Listen in as we tackle the often heart-wrenching journey of navigating breakups, a topic inspired by your questions. We get candid about the healthiest ways to deal with the end of a relationship, from setting essential boundaries to considering the potential of rekindling old flames. This episode isn't just about endings, but also about the growth and revelations that come from these transformative experiences.
Moving on, we explore the tricky terrain of relationship expectations and self-worth. The societal pressures to date someone who ticks all the 'ideal' boxes can be overwhelming, as Ashlee knows all too well. We delve into her personal anecdotes about how these unrealistic standards influenced her dating life and led to a profound reevaluation of what she truly seeks in a partner.
Lastly, we address insecurities and boundaries within relationships, sharing a raw and personal account of the challenges of dating as a pastor and the deep insecurities that followed a significant breakup.
Join us for a heart-to-heart on the many facets of love, identity, and partnership, with stories that affirm the unexpected blessings that await when we build relationships on a solid foundation.As always, don't forget to share your comments with us!
--
Did you hear the news? We've entered into an exciting new partnership with renowned jeweler Erin Barnett in Los Angeles. This partnership perfectly aligns with our love for relationships and jewelry. Whether you're looking for a special gift, an engagement ring, or a wedding band, Erin has you covered. And as part of the Beyond I Do community, you get exclusive discounts and the opportunity for a private showroom experience. It's time to celebrate your love with exquisite jewelry from our partner, Erin Barnett.
How to get the exclusive discount?
SEND HIM A DM and tell him you are part of the BEYOND I DO family or mention Adam Mesa. https://www.instagram.com/by.barnett/?hl=en
https://bybarnett.com
--
BEYOND I DO: MARRIAGE COURSE
https://beyondido.thinkific.com/courses/beyond-I-do
--
Have a question about relationships? Ask us by clicking the link below!
https://alfc.church.ai/form/BeyondIdo
--
Connect with Adam & Ashlee Mesa
https://instagram.com/amesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
https://instagram.com/ashleemesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
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Don't forget to stay connected with us:
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Series Beyond the Letter
Adam Mesa is Lead Pastor of Patria Church and speaks to a congregation of 12,000 about how the gospel of Jesus Christ brings purpose to every life. Patria
January 7, 2024 · 52 min · Beyond the Letter
BEYOND I DO, EPISODE FOURTEEN! Listen in as we tackle the often heart-wrenching journey of navigating breakups, a topic inspired by your questions. We get candid about the healthiest ways to deal with the end of a relationship, from setting essential boundaries to considering the potential of rekindling old flames. This episode isn't just about endings, but also about the growth and revelations that come from these transformative experiences. Moving on, we explore the tricky terrain of relationship expectations and self-worth. The societal pressures to date someone who ticks all the 'ideal' boxes can be overwhelming, as Ashlee knows all too well. We delve into her personal anecdotes about how these unrealistic standards influenced her dating life and led to a profound reevaluation of what she truly seeks in a partner. Lastly, we address insecurities and boundaries within relationships, sharing a raw and personal account of the challenges of dating as a pastor and the deep insecurities that followed a significant breakup. Join us for a heart-to-heart on the many facets of love, identity, and partnership, with stories that affirm the unexpected blessings that await when we build relationships on a solid foundation.As always, don't forget to share your comments with us! -- Did you hear the news? We've entered into an exciting new partnership with renowned jeweler Erin Barnett in Los Angeles. This partnership perfectly aligns with our love for relationships and jewelry. Whether you're looking for a special gift, an engagement ring, or a wedding band, Erin has you covered. And as part of the Beyond I Do community, you get exclusive discounts and the opportunity for a private showroom experience. It's time to celebrate your love with exquisite jewelry from our partner, Erin Barnett. How to get the exclusive discount? SEND HIM A DM and tell him you are part of the BEYOND I DO family or mention Adam Mesa. https://www.instagram.com/by.barnett/?hl=en https://bybarnett.com -- BEYOND I DO: MARRIAGE COURSE https://beyondido.thinkific.com/courses/beyond-I-do -- Have a question about relationships? Ask us by clicking the link below! https://alfc.church.ai/form/BeyondIdo -- Connect with Adam & Ashlee Mesa https://instagram.com/amesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA== https://instagram.com/ashleemesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA== -- Don't forget to stay connected with us: Instagram @beyond.ido Tik Tok @beyond.ido ...more Show the full description Show less BEYOND I DO, EPISODE FOURTEEN!
Listen in as we tackle the often heart-wrenching journey of navigating breakups, a topic inspired by your questions. We get candid about the healthiest ways to deal with the end of a relationship, from setting essential boundaries to considering the potential of rekindling old flames. This episode isn't just about endings, but also about the growth and revelations that come from these transformative experiences.
Moving on, we explore the tricky terrain of relationship expectations and self-worth. The societal pressures to date someone who ticks all the 'ideal' boxes can be overwhelming, as Ashlee knows all too well. We delve into her personal anecdotes about how these unrealistic standards influenced her dating life and led to a profound reevaluation of what she truly seeks in a partner.
Lastly, we address insecurities and boundaries within relationships, sharing a raw and personal account of the challenges of dating as a pastor and the deep insecurities that followed a significant breakup.
Join us for a heart-to-heart on the many facets of love, identity, and partnership, with stories that affirm the unexpected blessings that await when we build relationships on a solid foundation.As always, don't forget to share your comments with us!
--
Did you hear the news? We've entered into an exciting new partnership with renowned jeweler Erin Barnett in Los Angeles. This partnership perfectly aligns with our love for relationships and jewelry. Whether you're looking for a special gift, an engagement ring, or a wedding band, Erin has you covered. And as part of the Beyond I Do community, you get exclusive discounts and the opportunity for a private showroom experience. It's time to celebrate your love with exquisite jewelry from our partner, Erin Barnett.
How to get the exclusive discount?
SEND HIM A DM and tell him you are part of the BEYOND I DO family or mention Adam Mesa. https://www.instagram.com/by.barnett/?hl=en
https://bybarnett.com
--
BEYOND I DO: MARRIAGE COURSE
https://beyondido.thinkific.com/courses/beyond-I-do
--
Have a question about relationships? Ask us by clicking the link below!
https://alfc.church.ai/form/BeyondIdo
--
Connect with Adam & Ashlee Mesa
https://instagram.com/amesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
https://instagram.com/ashleemesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
--
Don't forget to stay connected with us:
Instagram @beyond.ido
Tik Tok @beyond.ido
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In this video 0:00 Navigating Breakups and Finding Purpose46:31 Partnerships and Precious MemoriesComments No comments yet. Start the conversation.
Navigating Breakups and Finding Purpose 0:12 Everybody welcome to Beyond I Do. Thanks for joining us. Hope you enjoyed. I've seen so far that because today dropped the Dolores and Steve podcast0:24 and, seeing so much people who enjoyed it. I saw 1 person's comment, like, I just started getting teenagers, and I don't know what to do in this season. This was great. So that wasn't our last week's episode. What what0:35 episode did we do last week?0:36 Last week was Ally and Eric. So that's gonna be next to0:39 me. So So by time you're hearing this, you already heard0:42 Yes.0:43 The Ally and Eric 1, which was, which which was a fun 1.0:46 That was that was0:49 No. Okay. I love it for 2. Nancy had a thought of something we tackle on today. We've done some ones in the past, parenting, marriage. We just did another single 1. And so Nancy brought up a great aspect of, like,1:00 keeping in the theme of where we were at with Ally and Eric, and so I'll let Nancy, take away what she she pitched when I walked in, like, hey. I think we should talk about this. I was like, no. I think that's good. We1:11 should do it. Yeah.1:11 So we haven't actually covered this topic, and you know how people can submit questions? Yeah. People are submitting and asking about breakups. So how do you navigate a breakup? Whether you're in 1 right now, whether
1:22 you've gone through 1, what's the healthiest way? Obviously, each situation can be different. I mean, you guys have seen me go through. So it's just like, what is your advice on when somebody is breaking up? What
1:34 should be done? What boundaries should you set? Yeah. Is there a possibility of getting back with
1:40 with the person?
1:40 Yeah. It all depends. So yeah. When in the game Yeah.
1:43 Or when's a good time to call it quits?
1:45 Or Right. But do you really walk away from a situation? Yeah.
1:49 What's your you went through a lot of breakups before you met me. 1 too many.
1:57 Well, I'll say, you know, what's crazy about when I had my breakups, there were the college 1 was really ups and downs, heartbreak, sadness,
2:09 cheating, all of that. And so that 1 was and I was just very immature. So I took it hard, but I didn't I didn't take it hard because I was so busy. I was in college. I was playing
2:21 soccer. So I I was distracted. So there wasn't a moment where I felt like I could sulk in this. Yeah. And then I had the personality where I was like,
2:33 well, too bad he doesn't want me. I'm gonna make him want me even more, and then I would go date his friends.
2:39 Yeah. Dang. Yeah. That's He's a homewrecker.
2:42 Sure was. I was like, let me go pick because I had a car. I lived off campus. I was like, I'll go pick them up in front of them and, like, go yeah. Oh, yeah. I was mean.
2:51 I was just Rhyming.
2:52 Yeah. That was my mom doesn't know these stories. So None of
2:58 the word. That
2:59 was that was and that was me. But I will say when it got to the end of the road of that relationship, because I we dated for 4 years on and off. And when it finally got to that point, we were that was the
3:10 1 that I had lived with. That was the 1 where we were gonna be getting married. Like, we that was in my head. We were gonna get married. Mhmm. And, I was at home. We had gotten home from my
3:22 brother, had his, we went to my brother's, wedding in Vegas and I was at home for a little bit. And I had just went to the gym and I came back in the house and I had 1 more year of college left. He was going
3:32 professional. And I got into my mom's house. I was gonna go back to school, finish my last year. He was gonna be getting drafted. And, before I walked in my mom's house, the
3:44 Holy Spirit said, you're not going back.
3:46 Because you were living with him at that time?
3:48 I was living with him. So I had flew home with I had flew to Vegas from living with him in Virginia. And so I was in Virginia, flew to Vegas, and then went to my mom's. And I was like, I'm
4:00 gonna go to my mom's house before I go back to college.
4:03 And how long were you with him?
4:04 4 years on and off. 4 years
4:06 on
4:06 and off. Yeah. 4 years on and off. And, so when I got to my mom's house and I was walking in the door, and that's where I say, like, was is so genuine, so pure,
4:18 I parents, I encourage you, pray for your kids. You have to continually pray for their purpose.
4:26 And even when they're not living to the standard. Absolutely. I know I know your parents personally. Obviously, they're my in laws, but I knew they weren't proud of you at that time in the sense of you living with
4:35 someone and, you know, them being elders and deacons in a church and having good strong faith themselves and Right. You know, because I knew that because your parents would talk to my dad Yep. Because I didn't know you
4:47 at that time. But your parents would talk to my dad and be like, pray for our daughter. We're praying for her. Like Yeah. She's not really walking the life that we have taught her in her faith.
4:57 Right.
4:57 She's living with someone who they're not married. They, you know, they're obviously doing all the things that non married people do. And so, but they consistently prayed for you, you know?
5:08 Right. And so I walked through that door with my mom, and I looked my mom in the face, and I said, I'm not going back. And she goes, so are you breaking up with him? And
5:20 I go, yeah. I'm breaking up with him. I I don't know what came over me, but I was very, like Mhmm. Set. Yes. Very set. Like, very, like and it these
5:32 2 instances that this has happened where I think I've told you that before the Holy Spirit has spoken to me, like, loud and clear within like, I could hear it. It was like, you're going to University of Florida and then
5:40 you're breaking up with him. Those are the 2 instances. And, I called him and I said, hey. I'm not coming back. He goes, okay, bye. Literally just hangs up and says, okay, bye. And
5:52 then calls me back maybe 2 minutes later and goes, so does that mean we're done? I go, yeah, we're done. So I'm sure he'd have a different narrative, but I'm very vivid in my mind of I know what happened
6:04 of the standard that I knew that God had for me. And going back to saying, like, my parents parents pray for your kids because, my mom didn't know everything that I had gone through with
6:16 my ex. To this day, she still doesn't. And and I know for a fact those are things that they would not accept for me and their child, and they would be heartbroken, and they would be sad.
6:28 So for me, I think parents continually pray because God will work. God will whisper. He will protect as long as you stay faithful to him. Because it
6:40 was 1 thing where this is a side subject too, but, like, when when you release your kids to God and have that covering, you have to let go of the reins and give him full full trust over what's gonna happen in your kids'
6:50 lives. Yeah. You have no say, like, who they date. If you're like, God, I give you my kids. You are saying, God, they are in your hands. And regardless of what happens, I trust you. So my mom
7:02 had done 1 of those moments, which she literally she said she told me on a, it was like on a Thursday or it was on a Saturday night. She was like, I don't know what came over me. I told god I release you to I release
7:13 Ashley to you. And I was in college.
7:15 If I
7:15 was in college, my mom's like, I finally released my child to you.
7:18 Like, the
7:18 like, I I whatever. It's free to you. And, that Sunday at a soccer game, I tore my ACL.
7:25 Wow.
7:25 And she was like, this is not what I had god, that's not what I meant. Like, I told you to protect her and and and God had a different story. And so it wouldn't have if I didn't turn my ACL, I probably would have gone
7:37 pro. I probably would have had a different life. I probably would have different thing. But all in God's timing and all in God's story. But back to
7:45 Well, you did go pro, but you Yeah. Yeah. But I mean like maybe like
7:48 But like right away and who knows if I would have stayed with him because we would have both left at the same time. Right. Right. It would have been like, okay. This is what we're doing. This is Yeah. So I had a whole
7:56 another year that I had to stay back. I I got because I redshirted, and so I ended up having a whole another year of school. So I stayed for 5 years instead of 4.
8:04 Super senior.
8:05 Super senior. Yep. 1 class. 1 class. Gym. Soccer. Easy. But back to the breakup. It was something where there were moments where I was
8:16 sad. I can't say that that wasn't the case. And there was moments where I was jealous, but God kept reminding me of the bad before he'd remind me of the good.
8:27 Yeah. Yeah.
8:28 And I think that sometimes, depending on the breakup that you're in or depending on how the relationship went, I think you and it's not to say the bad in the person, but the red flags that is not
8:40 acceptable for a marriage Mhmm. Are not acceptable for or or worth fighting for because infidelity is something that you can you can forgive and you can rebuild and you can and
8:52 you can earn trust back, but that's a process. And God knows you and knows what you can handle. And that's clearly something that I couldn't handle because, like we said, I brought that into our
9:03 marriage. Mhmm.
9:04 And
9:04 it was something that was toxic and and traumatic that I I had to get over myself to where I I was like, I could never trust somebody if that happened.
9:14 Mhmm.
9:15 So during that time and that breakup, it was a process to where I I dealt with the emotions of it. And and being on the college campus, I I thought about things and
9:27 did things, but there was never an instance where I begged for him back. I never called him back. It was 1 of those things because the Holy Spirit because it would be me going against God saying, like, you know what,
9:38 God? Maybe I can forget about these things. Maybe maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe it was the wrong timing. And I don't think there's ever a wrong timing when God's within it. Like, I think if
9:50 he tells you 1 thing, he's God is not a God of confusion. So when God tells you the first time that it's not it, it's not it.
9:57 Yeah. Well and what's big is, like, we didn't go through it with, Ali and Eric just for the sake of time, but but more so a conversation for probably
10:09 women because women seem to have and that's what's big right now on social media is is they they have a list. Right? They have the list. Yeah. And I know Mike Todd even in his book, he talks about that tearing off.
10:20 Do you get any tear up the list?
10:21 If you wanna find your 1, like, whatever that list is, you need to tear it up Mhmm. Because you're preventing God from showing you who God may really have for you. And and, and, I like that perspective that that Mike
10:32 shares about that. And and I can agree I agree in the sense of in for you and here's what I mean is, like, when I started dating you, and I have my own story, but when I started dating you, 1 of
10:44 the conversations I had with 1 of my friends because we all grew up in the church together. You grew up in abundant too when since you were a teenager. So but we missed each other. You and I never met when we were kids.
10:54 You knew of me because I was the pastor. I tried too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You had a little school girl crush on me. Sure. But, but we never met. And so we didn't have relationship. I knew your dad. That was about it. Mhmm.
11:05 Because he he he served in youth. So, you know, when when you and I started dating, it wasn't really public, but some of my some of our friends knew in the church. So I remember 1 time, I'm I'm going to lunch with my
11:16 friends and then and then 1 of my friends said, bro, can I ask you? How do you do it? How do you how do you date her given the boyfriends she had Mhmm. In her past? Talking talking about
11:27 you. Yeah. And for all intents and purposes, like like, you you have had on paper the dream men that any woman would want. You, the the guy you're with
11:39 4 years, he became a famous professional football player. Mhmm. You dated a professional basketball player whose dad is a very famous coach.
11:47 Mhmm.
11:48 You dated 1 of the world's most famous Olympians
11:50 Mhmm.
11:50 In the world, and all of which who were all very wealthy. Mhmm. All of which all who were very famous, All who of which were, very talented.
12:03 All who of which were very aesthetically looked good. Mhmm. They were all 6 4, 5, 6 6, 6 7. They all 0 percent body fat. Everything that a girl who
12:15 has a list Yeah. Goes, this is it. Yeah. He's famous. He's got money. He's tall. Like, those were all your export. And so when my friend saying that, you know, I'm 5 8.
12:28 I I don't have 0 percent body fat. I looked good back then too, but I didn't have 0 percent body fat. Definitely did. I had a 1 pack, not a 6 pack. I wasn't famous. Yeah. I wasn't
12:40 rich. Yeah. You know? Made 40005 45000 a year when you met me. Mhmm. I I, you know, didn't have any of the accolades these guys had. Mhmm. And
12:51 so I don't think my friend, great friend. I I was not offended by the question whatsoever, but I could see why he was fascinated with the concept of why did it not seem to bother me.
13:03 Right. Right.
13:04 I think for girls, like, help some women through breakouts breakups because a lot of people and I even had this experience with my bad breakup is this idea that you think you'll never get someone better than what you
13:15 had. Right. And your stuff has infidelities and all that in there. But in the regards of for you, like, a lot of girls and you even had people in your life that were like, hey. Just suck up with it. Yeah. Suck
13:27 like Mhmm. Somewhat he cheats. Yeah. Like, you're gonna be taken care of.
13:30 Right.
13:31 Like, if you marry him
13:32 Right.
13:32 You're gonna be good. Mhmm. Like, you're gonna have the house. You're gonna have the money. You're gonna and literally, like, when I met you, you're like, there were there were people in my life that were like, Ashley
13:41 Mhmm. Just get over it. A little infidelity is not the worst thing
13:46 Right.
13:47 When you look at the life that you're gonna get if you marry this guy.
13:50 Yeah. I had someone say that every man cheats, so you just gotta choose the man. And I was like, uh-uh.
13:55 Like, wait. What? So no.
13:56 And and so Ashley's getting from Christian people
14:00 Yeah.
14:01 Advice like this, you know.
14:03 Yeah.
14:03 And, and I got my friends who are, by the time we meet, that are like, dude, how do you do it? Like, I'd be so insecure and there wouldn't back then, now we're all older and a lot of those guys are retired or they got
14:14 canceled or whatever. But but, but, you know, back then, I couldn't turn on ESPN without seeing 1 of your ex boyfriends. And so and so, but with that said,
14:26 like, you know, and I've said on other podcast before and stuff, like, it never bothered me because I know my worth. But but to to maybe and when I say lesser man, I don't mean like a lesser man, but but a
14:37 lesser man mentally in terms of how he views himself. A lesser man that would bother him. Mhmm. He'd compare himself to your ex boyfriends Right. Or whatever. So, like, for you, what at what point were you just like,
14:49 this is kind of bogus, this whole idea of, like, these guys that I'm trying to date and chase and and and be with that have everything that every girl wants on paper.
15:00 Yeah. Yeah. You know, it was it was something where I was when I was living in Chicago and then, you know, my dad got sick, so I kinda I had a relationship when I was in Chicago, and
15:13 I ended up obviously, that ended. And so then I moved home, and it was 1 of those questions I had to ask myself, like, what do you want in life? What do you want,
15:25 Ashley, in life? Do you want to be single, happy, surrounded by your family that love you, or do you want to be in a marriage or a relationship where
15:37 you have to always forgive and forget?
15:39 Mhmm. And
15:40 I genuinely asked myself that question as far as, like, in the next relationship, or if I do get in a relationship, what am I going to expect? And so
15:53 I didn't want a relationship. At that point, I was just like, because I thought I had a type that I was going to only go after, that that was what I was for the last 4
16:05 years in college to after college, like, that was the stereotypical guy that I dated. Like, had to be an athlete. I mean, I snuck a boyfriend at 18 and he played basketball.
16:15 Mhmm.
16:16 Like, there that was I was like, I'm an athlete. I'm gonna date an athlete. I'm gonna marry an athlete. We're gonna breed athlete kids. There we're gonna have money. We're gonna do this. And and I even remember when I
16:27 was younger, it it was I don't even know if I told you this. I had Habakkuk Habakkuk 2 2. Is it Habakkuk write the vision and make it plain?
16:35 It's in the Bible. Yes.
16:36 Yeah. Yeah. I believe it's Habakkuk. I believe that's what it is. And, I I had I had the Olympic rings on 1 wall. I had the Florida Gators on another wall. You were did you saw my
16:48 room? Yeah.
16:49 I mean Yes. I've been with you 10 years.
16:51 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so and it had that. But then underneath that, I had the car that I wanted. I had the house You dreamer a vision board. On my wall.
17:03 It went in a magazine and made a vision board.
17:05 And so that's literally what I had. And it was like, when I re look back at that, not to say that that wasn't obtainable, but I believe that God will change your viewpoint once
17:16 he's included.
17:18 Mhmm.
17:19 I think your vision board changes when God's included.
17:22 Yeah. Like you had yeah. You wrote the vision plane, but it was it was a material thing.
17:26 A thousand percent. Yeah. So then when I had moved home and I said, I'm gonna be single. I feel like I I I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm done. I I I'm tired of looking
17:38 for to to I'm tired of trying to be perfect for that person. It was me exhausting myself in the relationship. It was me saying suck it up
17:51 to be happy or suck it up to be with that person. And I was like, that you're that's fun. You're goofy.
17:57 Well, and you weren't the best version of yourself because you weren't you weren't treating your boyfriends very well either. No. You know? Like No. Absolutely. You wanted to make it work with them, but there were also
18:05 things you did that
18:06 Oh, a hundred percent. I mean, I cheated.
18:08 Yeah.
18:09 I cheated because I was like, if this is what's gonna
18:11 I'll be the first to do it.
18:12 You sure do.
18:13 Yeah.
18:13 Absolutely. Because I was like, if it's gonna happen to me, and and I did it once, it was so awful. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt in my whole entire life. After doing that, I I I think after that happened
18:25 too, it it was an eye opening experience for me when I cheated because I said, how could you bring yourself to that point to not only 1, disrespect that
18:37 person that you're with, but 2 disrespect yourself to a lower standard to say that you have no feelings, don't care at all, don't care about what that person feels like. You put yourself in front of everybody else
18:49 and and you you idolized yourself in that moment because you felt you had the power.
18:54 Yeah. And and and toxic relationships and and and toxic breakups will will pull the worst out of you.
19:02 Oh, and that that part, it did. And it really did. And I think
19:05 because I remember when I started dating you because your parents were elders deacon, so they were always praying for you, and they they knew a lot of your business. You're very close with your parents. So when I started
19:13 dating you, my dad, who's a pastor, my dad was like, don't date her.
19:17 Yeah. Yeah. I told him
19:18 I was going on a date with you. And he's like, don't date her. Yeah. And I'm like and he's like, date the youngest, which is Ally on last podcast. And so he's like, date Ally, you know, and because she was still young at
19:30 the time. She was still, like, only a freshman in college or whatever. To me, she was so much younger, but even though she's not now, the older you get. But, I'm like, no. He's like and he literally looked at me. He's
19:41 like, she has lived with men and she has not been moral in her relationship and she has made a lot of mistakes in her relationships. And I looked at him and I was like I was like,
19:53 no. So have I. First of all, so have I. Right. You you know, your son's a piece of trash too. You know, like so I'm like, me too. Yeah. And I was like, second of all, we've only been on 2 dates and she has
20:05 told me all of that.
20:06 Mhmm. Mhmm.
20:07 So so I I don't believe she's trying to hide anything. Right. I believe she's trying to to walk her life out with Christ now. And, and I believe that, she allowed not
20:19 that you blame other people, but she allowed bad relationships to Mhmm. To show her to make her think this is how every relationship is and ought to be. Yep. And then it happens so many times that eventually you
20:31 believe the lie that, well, then I need to be the first person Right. To do it because eventually they're gonna do it to me. And so what what's the big deal? Absolutely. And, and you and I met, you know, at the time, I
20:42 didn't know that, but you and I met just only months after all of that. Mhmm. Like, when you would talk about your past, I always thought it was, like, years ago or whatever. And then as we got closer and you're like,
20:52 no. This happened in January or whatever. And I was like, oh, shoot. Has she been delivered on that? You know? It's like I'm gonna think about that and be like How early on in the
21:02 in the dating, like, when you're starting to talk to somebody, how early on do you share that type of intimate information? Like, oh, I've slept with somebody or I'm not a virgin. I am a virgin. Like
21:12 We did it pretty soon.
21:14 I told him the our first date because because I remind I wanna remind you guys, I grew up in church. So pastors, leaders, even though we were on a date, I
21:26 still honored the fact that he was a pastor at
21:28 my church. And I was a youth pastor. Yes. But but she had respect for this.
21:31 I still had respect for that just because it in my mind, I it was something where it's like, either I tell him now or it's gonna come out later. And why didn't I why didn't I just tell him earlier? So it's almost ripping
21:42 the band off from for Band Aid off for me because I knew I had a past. But then also, I knew my mom and my daddy, and I knew they talked. Yeah. So and I knew they were praying. So I didn't know what because
21:54 and and my dad served with you. So I'm like, I don't know
21:57 if I
21:57 was ever brought up in conversations. So for me, it was something that I want to tell him. But also
22:02 Well, the cheating the cheating aspect, she didn't tell me that until about 6 months
22:06 Yeah. That 1 yeah.
22:07 Into dating. So there was as she trusted me more and more that I was there to do what a man does, which is to cover a woman and protect her heart and to protect her when she could trust
22:19 me. Yeah. And again, I had every right to make the decision whether that was a red flag with me or whatever, but I had become to know her and
22:26 Right.
22:27 Know her character and know that, she was in a precarious situation. And but when she finally told me about 6 months in 6 months in, she used she started telling me, like, yeah. I used to
22:38 smoke a lot of weed and, like, early on, it'd be like, oh, I tried it twice. You know, like, oh, yeah. I've had some bad relationships and, you know, and, yeah, I'm not a virgin. I live with a guy. Like, that stuff I I
22:50 knew relatively early, like, first date, second date. But a little more deeper into the skeletons, like, I used to go out every night. I was very wild. Mhmm. I've had this life that was very
23:02 picturesque of what a college experience looks like. Mhmm. I, you know
23:06 Dance on
23:07 the table. My boyfriend. Dance on the it was like that stuff started coming out little more 6 months into our relationship as what I believe, because I'm a pastor and I counsel people. What I believe is as she trusted me
23:18 Mhmm. With her heart, she felt like she could give it all. And also as the man, I was also leading with a lot of transparency. So I was telling her about, my past Yeah. AndShow more
Adam Mesa492K followers
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