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Marriage Challenges: From Postpartum to Reconnection | BEYOND I DO PODCAST S1E42
July 4, 2024 · 57 min
In this powerful discussion on marriage, we're reminded of the sacred covenant between husband and wife. The conversation delves into the challenges faced by couples, especially after having children. We're encouraged to view marriage as a lifelong commitment, not subject to fleeting emotions or physical changes.
The message emphasizes the importance of selflessness, patience, and understanding, particularly during difficult seasons like postpartum depression. We're called to reflect on how we can support our spouses through life's challenges, rather than focusing on our own desires. This echoes Paul's teachings in Ephesians 5:25, 'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.' The discussion prompts us to examine our own marriages and ask how we can cultivate a Christ-like love that endures through all seasons.
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Have a question about relationships? Ask us by clicking the link below!
https://patria.church.ai/form/BeyondIdo
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BEYOND I DO: MARRIAGE COURSE
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https://instagram.com/amesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
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Dave Ramsey Course https://www.ramseysolutions.com/ramseyplus/hosts/alfcranchoca?pc=78239020
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We've entered into an exciting new partnership with renowned jeweler Erin Barnett in Los Angeles. This partnership perfectly aligns with our love for relationships and jewelry. Whether you're looking for a special gift, an engagement ring, or a wedding band, Erin has you covered. And as part of the Beyond I Do community, you get exclusive discounts and the opportunity for a private showroom experience. It's time to celebrate your love with exquisite jewelry from our partner, Erin Barnett.
How to get the exclusive discount?
SEND HIM A DM and tell him you are part of the BEYOND I DO family or mention Adam Mesa.
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#love #marriage #family #podcast #faith #pregnancy
Series Beyond the Letter
Adam Mesa is Lead Pastor of Patria Church and speaks to a congregation of 12,000 about how the gospel of Jesus Christ brings purpose to every life. Patria
July 4, 2024 · 57 min · Beyond the Letter
In this powerful discussion on marriage, we're reminded of the sacred covenant between husband and wife. The conversation delves into the challenges faced by couples, especially after having children. We're encouraged to view marriage as a lifelong commitment, not subject to fleeting emotions or physical changes. The message emphasizes the importance of selflessness, patience, and understanding, particularly during difficult seasons like postpartum depression. We're called to reflect on how we can support our spouses through life's challenges, rather than focusing on our own desires. This echoes Paul's teachings in Ephesians 5:25, 'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.' The discussion prompts us to examine our own marriages and ask how we can cultivate a Christ-like love that endures through all seasons. -- Have a question about relationships? Ask us by clicking the link below! https://patria.church.ai/form/BeyondIdo _ BEYOND I DO: MARRIAGE COURSE https://beyondido.thinkific.com/courses/beyond-I-do -- Connect with Adam & Ashlee Mesa https://instagram.com/amesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA== https://instagram.com/ashleemesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA== -- Don't forget to stay connected with us: Instagram @beyond.ido Tik Tok @beyond.ido -- Dave Ramsey Course https://www.ramseysolutions.com/ramseyplus/hosts/alfcranchoca?pc=78239020 -- We've entered into an exciting new partnership with renowned jeweler Erin Barnett in Los Angeles. This partnership perfectly aligns with our love for relationships and jewelry. Whether you're looking for a special gift, an engagement ring, or a wedding band, Erin has you covered. And as part of the Beyond I Do community, you get exclusive discounts and the opportunity for a private showroom experience. It's time to celebrate your love with exquisite jewelry from our partner, Erin Barnett. How to get the exclusive discount? SEND HIM A DM and tell him you are part of the BEYOND I DO family or mention Adam Mesa. https://www.instagram.com/by.barnett/?hl=en https://bybarnett.com #love #marriage #family #podcast #faith #pregnancy ...more Show the full description Show less In this powerful discussion on marriage, we're reminded of the sacred covenant between husband and wife. The conversation delves into the challenges faced by couples, especially after having children. We're encouraged to view marriage as a lifelong commitment, not subject to fleeting emotions or physical changes.
The message emphasizes the importance of selflessness, patience, and understanding, particularly during difficult seasons like postpartum depression. We're called to reflect on how we can support our spouses through life's challenges, rather than focusing on our own desires. This echoes Paul's teachings in Ephesians 5:25, 'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.' The discussion prompts us to examine our own marriages and ask how we can cultivate a Christ-like love that endures through all seasons.
--
Have a question about relationships? Ask us by clicking the link below!
https://patria.church.ai/form/BeyondIdo
_
BEYOND I DO: MARRIAGE COURSE
https://beyondido.thinkific.com/courses/beyond-I-do
--
Connect with Adam & Ashlee Mesa
https://instagram.com/amesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
https://instagram.com/ashleemesa?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==
--
Don't forget to stay connected with us:
Instagram @beyond.ido
Tik Tok @beyond.ido
--
Dave Ramsey Course https://www.ramseysolutions.com/ramseyplus/hosts/alfcranchoca?pc=78239020
--
We've entered into an exciting new partnership with renowned jeweler Erin Barnett in Los Angeles. This partnership perfectly aligns with our love for relationships and jewelry. Whether you're looking for a special gift, an engagement ring, or a wedding band, Erin has you covered. And as part of the Beyond I Do community, you get exclusive discounts and the opportunity for a private showroom experience. It's time to celebrate your love with exquisite jewelry from our partner, Erin Barnett.
How to get the exclusive discount?
SEND HIM A DM and tell him you are part of the BEYOND I DO family or mention Adam Mesa.
https://www.instagram.com/by.barnett/?hl=en
https://bybarnett.com
#love #marriage #family #podcast #faith #pregnancy
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In this video 0:00 Navigating Marital Challenges
Navigating Marital Challenges 0:12 Let's hit it. We recording, Andy? Yep. Alright, Alright, buddy. Welcome to Beyond. I do thank you so much for joining us today for another great episode on marriage, relationships, everything0:24 in between, singleness. Today, we have coming with you is a marriage question. And whether you are single or not, this may conversation may benefit you. It is a bit long. Someone submitted it, what,0:35 on Instagram or something else, Nancy?0:37 Q and a.0:38 On our q and a page? Notes. Yeah. Okay. So they, submitted it through our website. And so, Ashley and I will hopefully be able to offer some help, but, it's a long,0:50 question with a lot of context. And I like it. I like that there's a lot of context because there's multiple things that we can address inside of it. So as you're listening and driving or whatever you're doing today,1:01 just give us a second as we read, this message for you. So here it is. Persis submitted. My husband and I have been together coming on 11 years and married for 5 years. We have, 21:13 kids, 4 and 9 month old. A few months ago, my husband told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and told me that he he thinks the separation for a bit would be good for him. We talked about going to couples therapy, and1:24 I asked him if there was anything she could do to help him as his wife, feel more loved. The last few months, she was going through postpartum depression. She cried a lot during that time. And,1:36 she says, I'll admit I was so deep in my depression that I put our marriage on the back burner and struggled mentally and physically to be intimate with my husband, which in those months led to anger on his end and
1:48 tears on mine. He also mentioned that he was, not attracted to me anymore. My body has changed after giving birth. I've also dealt with body and self confidence issues. Fast forward, a few months ago when
2:00 he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, which I felt blindsided, he ended up deciding we needed to go to therapy, which I was for, but then decided he needed to go for himself
2:12 first and went to a few sessions. He said the sessions helped him a bit little bit. We both agreed to work on loving each other. The next few months, we worked on listening to each other and making more
2:24 time to be intimate, which has helped us a little bit connect more. However, he hardly hugs me, kisses me unless I ask him or, intimacy is involved. I feel like at this point, I'm initiating the hugs and the
2:36 kisses and the compliments to him, and he only gives me a peck on the forehead or something on the lips before he leaves for work. I haven't heard him compliment me or hug me, kiss me, or tell me, since right
2:47 after we had our baby. The lack of love on his end has really put a toll on my mental and physical health. He also stopped wearing his wedding ring the last few months. When I mentioned to him these things really
2:57 bothering me, he doesn't say anything. He recently told me he's dealing with depression and feels like he needs a 4 day break from my end to seek God and clarity if he still wants to be with me. I know he's not cheating
3:07 on me because when he's not at home, he's, working. He did tell me he still loves me, but he's stopped. He's never stopped loving me, but that he's just not in love with me. He mentioned how far the 4 days he's planning
3:19 to go stay with his parents. I asked him if it's necessary for him to leave the kids and I for 4 days, and he could see God at home with us. I guess I'm just asking for advice on what we should do as a couple and what I
3:31 could do as a wife. Over the last few months, my heart hurts from, feelings like I'm losing my losing my husband, and I don't know how else to help our marriage. Okay. That I'm out of breath, and you could tell I've
3:43 been preaching so much lately. My voice is just, like, absolutely Yeah. Strained. Okay.
3:50 It's a lot. Yeah. It's a lot. Yeah. And, I mean, this isn't the I would say this is a lot of marriages where they go through what we consider the roller coasters of ups and downs and ups and downs
4:02 and having to truly figure out what is going on, within yourself and then within your marriage because I I we have a lot of conversations between the 2 of us
4:14 where I have my self reflection. And if I'm not well, I can be a detriment to our marriage of me being selfish in my own actions. Now granted her having her
4:25 postpartum, I've never went through postpartum or or I've never felt like I went through postpartum, but I did go through my health issues, which took a big toll on me. And that was my hormones
4:37 going all over the place where I was diagnosed with Graves' disease. And so in those moments, I know that we were so focused on figuring out what was wrong with my health
4:49 that, I mean, we've never had the conversation of was our marriage put on the back burner because we were so focused
4:55 on my
4:55 health. Not until later down the years when then that our conversation of our deep conversation happened with the intimacy, then it came out at the right time knowing that my health
5:07 was on the up. Now we can have these conversations because you are healthy. You are getting right. You are focusing on yourself. You are mentally stable in in in yourself that we're able to have that
5:19 conversation of where I was lacking in intimacy. Now to say where she feels like I I'll I'll add this and then you can add what you wanna say is the reflection that she
5:31 is having is healthy. The fact that she can be honest and say, these are things that I went through, and I know that it was wrong. Yeah. And, obviously, you can't first, certain women, you
5:42 can't control the the natural effect of postpartum. You you there there's things that happen within your body. You're not pregnant anymore. You're upset, that your
5:54 sleepless nights and things of that nature are happening to where your emotions are all over the place. And you're trying to gain control of these emotions to where nothing else matters but me trying to be okay
6:06 Yeah. In that moment. But the fact that now she's reflecting on where it started, I think that's healthy because she's owning up to the fact of, like, I know that that was part of the cause and the reason,
6:18 and not to say that that that should have put the detriment on my marriage. I should have been focused on that. So for her, I applaud her to even, write the message and say,
6:30 like, I I genuinely want my marriage back. And I still see that there is hope for the marriage because he's like, okay. We went through therapy. There was counseling. He's still in the home. They're just
6:42 trying to work out and navigate, obviously, their marriage. So for her, it's hard to tell someone after postpartum and as a mom and as a wife, like,
6:54 you need to get it back together, and you need to get your body in shape, and you need to snap back. That's hard.
6:59 Mhmm.
7:00 That is hard. And I I think that there's a level of grace that men should give women because they will never understand what it's like. Yeah. Being pregnant in itself is hard. Yeah. Emotionally,
7:12 physically, mentally, you have something inside of you that you some women are like, I'm in bliss and I can be happy and and and know that I have a I have a god god's creation within me. But then there's me
7:24 who I don't know if I've ever told it was hard. It's hard being pregnant because every single day how many times would you see me doing this or drinking water in the morning, making sure, like, is my baby moving?
7:34 Mhmm.
7:34 These are mental things that you go through as as a as a mother that you you you try to go in in your day in and day out and not have these stresses or feel these pressures of, like, god, please
7:46 let my baby be okay. That's just an added. And so then now taking on the weight that you gain. Yeah. Now taking on the physical pain or the swelling or some women may even get gestational
7:58 diabetes or or having a preeclampsia. There are things that, men will never understand.
8:05 Yeah.
8:05 But it's it's having the grace that you you gave me all the time of of take a breath, take go rest, go lay down, go put your feet up. And I think when men
8:17 can realize that pregnancy is a blessing, first and foremost, but it also is a mental, season that your wife is going through that you have to
8:29 be a leader in the home to say.
8:31 Hormonal season. Yes. It's not just mental. It's that Yes. Her literal body comp chemical composition is changing every day as she's bringing it. Yeah.
8:39 Every day. Yeah. So for for that that season, it it's hard, and it's and it's a sensitive topic, I believe, to talk about just because we're in that
8:51 moment of of how do I be strong in this? How do I how do I get through this? How do I get my emotions in line when you're you're crying and laughing at the same time?
8:59 Yeah. You
9:00 look at a a puppy and all of a sudden your emotions are all over the place and he's like, what is wrong with you?
9:04 Yeah.
9:04 Or he could have told you, hey. The food is cold and you're like, I've been slaving. You you there's no control. And a man's looking at her as like, is she going crazy? Mhmm. It's like, yeah, her
9:16 emotions and her hormones are all over the place and they're imbalanced. So, when it comes to that, it's it's it's it's hard because she even said, she's like, I went through my own
9:28 depression and I went through my own trials and, I had to navigate that. My my marriage was on the back burner. And I feel for her, and I feel for her husband because that's probably
9:40 hard because he navigated the whole pregnancy. And now you're like, we have this wonderful baby of joy and laughter, but you're sad.
9:47 Yeah. Yeah.
9:48 But you're sad. Yeah. But you don't pay attention to me. Yeah. You're consumed with the baby. And these are things where conversation should be had right then and there and not to take away from what she was going
10:00 through, but how can I help you through this? How could I have been a better spouse through this? How could I have encouraged you a little bit more? Or what could I have taken off of your plate to make you feel better?
10:11 And some women in postpartum could have said absolutely nothing.
10:14 Mhmm.
10:15 Absolutely nothing. And so that's the hard part to talk with and and and to really try to in those moments of having a baby and having the postpartum, having those
10:27 conversations prior to the baby coming.
10:30 Mhmm.
10:30 Of of the natural of we don't know what's gonna happen. So you may have the conversations of we don't know what's gonna happen when we have our child. We don't know what's to expect. That's just naturally as a parent. We
10:41 don't know. When people ask you, like, what's it like? Are you excited? I don't know. Mhmm. My baby's not here yet. I don't know. But then it's also now having the conversations of, hey. If there are things that do
10:52 happen and sleepless nights, how can I do you think I could help in this area or not? Like, can I take the baby for or another thing that was added that could help too is having family members around you?
11:04 Mhmm.
11:05 Having family members around you to be able to be there for you. Because that was 1 thing after Matthias. When Matthias had jaundice and I was a hot mess express, My mom jumped in, your mom jumped in,
11:17 giving peace and comfort to where in that moment I could have been consumed with just stress and doubt and fear, and they're like, it's gonna be okay. And so surrounding yourself around a strong community in those
11:29 seasons of life where you know something new is coming, it is just so important. It's important within marriage. It's important with having a kid. It's important within new season of your life to making sure you have the
11:39 right community around you to support you in those seasons. So Yeah.
11:43 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's all good natural wisdom. Yeah. You know? Yeah. That's all good natural wisdom stuff. I mean, the you know, I'm I'm you and I have more of a traditional Yeah. Style
11:55 marriage. So, you know, you're you're kinda really hard on women, and I'm really hard on guys Yeah. You know, where where, you know, some other people that offer counseling or whatever may
12:08 you and I have biased views in the sense that you, as a wife and a woman, you think women and wives should do better. And then me, I think that and and they're both
12:20 they're and you and I have the same opinion on this, but, like, your emphasis is really like what you said, reflecting on the wife and think through this, this, and this. But I'm actually normally in our counseling
12:31 sessions, I'm actually really hard on the guys because I expect more from men. And I believe God has. The Bible makes it clear. The wife and the woman is a weaker vessel. Mhmm. And so the fact you
12:43 know, again, please, if you're listening to this and this is your situation, take this for a grain of salt because we haven't heard his side. We don't know how he's processing. We've done counseling with people where we
12:52 let 1 spouse talk and then the other spouse goes, well, what they're saying isn't necessarily true because so take that as a grain of salt. Like, we're only seeing it seems as though she's being very honest and
13:02 transparent. She's taken ownership in some areas. She's also bringing in some of the stuff. So that's fair. So right now, we can only go off of what she has shared. He may have something different or an added element to
13:13 it. But, overall, what it appears to me so far is he's acting like the weaker vessel and not her. Like, brother, if you need to go 4 days to
13:25 decide whether you need to be buried or not, I'll I'll answer this for you in in in in less than 10 seconds. You said yes at an altar. You got that woman pregnant to have your children. You have committed vows. You are
13:37 raising children. Get your butt in the house. Love your wife. Love your children. Stop being a child. Like that. And you've heard me talk like that to men in counseling sessions before. Now if he is going through
13:49 counseling and you are clinically depressed, this is different. And I will pastor you differently, and I will show you grace differently
13:57 Right.
13:57 If his counselor has diagnosed him with clinical depression. But, unfortunately, people nowadays, both men and women, they use these mental health terms as cop outs
14:09 for being able to act the way they wanna act.
14:11 Right.
14:12 Oh, I think I'm just depressed. No. You if you no. Google m the m d WebMD is not gonna tell you whether you're depressed purpose is or whatever whatever, like,
14:24 that does not immediately fit say that you're depressed. It doesn't immediately say that you're anxious. Okay? So it's 1 element where if you really like, with her, if she has been diagnosed with postpartum, that is a
14:35 real chemical issue that doctors and nurses don't always have fixes for. Some of it, you have to go through the process, and there are some practical things you can have hoped for and all these things, but
14:47 her post, partum may be different.
14:49 Yeah.
14:50 Sometimes they feel alienation from their child. Sometimes they miss their child in the womb. That's different. You approach that differently. As a husband, you should have a great amounts of care and grace
15:02 for your wife. She's 9 months since you you have a 4 year old and 9 month old. The fact that you told your wife you're on a you're not attracted to her while she has a 9 month old. I mean, honestly,
15:14 shame on you as a man. Shame on you for making your wife who has bore you 2 children just feel that way. Go to counseling. Find some guys that you can process these things with, but there are things that
15:26 and last episode we did with Beyond the Letter, we talked about being honest with your spouse, but being honesty doesn't also mean that you're you can verbally hurt your spouse Yeah. Just to be like, oh, it's how I feel.
15:37 I got it off my chest.
15:38 Yeah.
15:38 And it's like, you know, like, I could go more harsher, which I would in a private, counseling setting I normally do. But but those are things make me upset because as a man who your wife is a weaker
15:50 vessel, your wife is hurting your wife. That doesn't mean you're not allowed to have feelings. That doesn't mean you gotta push them down.
15:56 Right.
15:56 It means you have to find the right people in the right places that you could share this to to find this and help find help that you need. Go sit with a pastor. Go sit with a counselor. Process these things, but shame on
16:08 you for talking these things with your wife. Shame on you for telling your wife that she's not attractive or that her body has changed. You know, all these things. Of course it has. You know,
16:20 her saying, oh, he you know you know, it it's it appears like she said that his intimacy level or desire now has changed because he's not attracted to her, and he doesn't wear his wedding ring anymore. I mean, we have
16:30 seen this in counseling. We've sat through this. We have had situations where I where we have canceled and the wife has said my husband isn't wanting intimacy
16:42 anymore or he's gone colder or blah blah blah blah. And I've looked at the husband and says, are you having relationships with anyone else outside of this marriage? And he and he goes, no. I haven't. And then I
16:54 look back at the wife and I say, I've been doing this for a while and I've been mentored by guys who have been doing this for a while. If a man doesn't wanna be intimate with his wife, it's normally because 1 of 3
17:03 reasons. It's normally because he's watching pornography, he has an affair, or he's same sex attracted. Those are the 3 reasons why normally a husband who's not dealing with
17:15 something I've dealt with months ago, which was low testosterone, and and that is a chemical issue. So I've asked, have you gone to the doctor? You know, have you have you addressed? Do you have low chemicals? Do you
17:27 have low testosterone? Oh, my testosterone's fine. This is fine. This is fine. Then I look at the wife and say, hey. You know, just like the, you know, the whole the whole thing, you know, that that, Wendy Williams
17:36 thing, denial is a river in Egypt. Like, brother, you're not being honest. Yeah. You can and wife, you're giving him the benefit of doubt. I appreciate that. And I'm not saying this is the case for this marriage, but I'm
17:47 just saying multiple instances that that's happened and the man has looked me in the eye and said or even the woman where she's she may have a different aspect, but men normally normally men could be, like, just
17:59 absolutely arguing every day with their wife, and they'll still be intimate with their wife. Right. That that's something they could still turn on. Normally, what happens when they go, I swear I'm not in a relationship
18:09 blah blah blah blah blah blah, you know, within 6 months, the wife emails us, hey, I found out he has a relationship, and I'm like, yeah. I mean, we told you you should investigate this a little more if he's not
18:21 wanting to be if he's telling you he's not attracted to you Yeah. Then, either he has some issues he needs to work out through therapy or, he is selfishly because it could not be with a woman. He he could he could be
18:32 addicted to pornography. Right. And that's gonna affect the intimacy. So there are aspects of this, but The 1 thing that
18:40 you said that was really good is the fact that you said, if you've been diagnosed being clinically depressed. You have an amazing message where I was even feeling convicted because I know I had thrown the word anxiety
18:52 around a lot about just with things that were happening in my life. And you made the statement was, like, you don't have anxiety, you have stress. And so within this relationship of everything that she is saying,
19:04 outside of postpartum
19:05 natural stress.
19:06 Yes. Yeah. Natural stress. What is stress? Having 2 kids is stress. Yeah. Being married is stress. I mean, you gotta wake up to the same person for the rest of your life. It is stress. Unless
19:18 you are going to put yourself aside and be selfless, there's going to be stress because you're gonna look at every molecule, molecule, molecule within your family, in your
19:29 relationship and say, how do I get out of this? You have a 4 year old and a 9 month old. You are in the thick of it. As many times as I hear somebody whenever we go to a conference, they're like, oh, how many kids do you
19:40 have? We're like, 2. And I'm like, how old are they? They're like, how old are they? 5 and 3. They go, oof. I go, yeah. Yeah. It's real. Yeah. They're young. Yeah. They're needy.
19:52 They need you
19:53 Right.
19:53 Every day.
19:54 So there's Now the caveat, he could if he was there, he could throw in, this is an issue that happened before the kids. And it's like, okay. That's fair. Fair. That's that's what I'm saying, like Right. We may not have
20:04 another side of the story where he's, like, no. It's just getting a point where I got fed up. Yeah. Yeah. Like, that
20:09 Yeah.
20:10 That can be real.
20:11 Yeah.
20:11 But what it appears like, like But it's no no man should leave his family for 4 days It's
20:17 not really
20:17 to go and figure to go figure some things out. It's another thing if it's, like, hey. This has been, shared with me by my pastor or whatever. I I don't think it should be longer than 2 or 3 days. If that's the case, it
20:29 shouldn't be with your parents.
20:30 Right. Well, the fact that Like like
20:34 my friend Will, the you know, he said before they had all the chaos of their kids, but even with a few kids, you know, he said once a year, him and his wife individually at different times would go away for, I think he
20:44 said, 2 days Mhmm. For, like, a spiritual retreat, and it was, like, at a retreat center. Mhmm. You know? And it's, like, okay. That's that is that is good things. But when people self diagnose themselves and then
20:56 self give themselves the fix, like, oh, I think I need clarity on whether I should be married to. I'm gonna go for 4 days to talk to God at my mom's house. Like, no. That's no.
21:06 Can I
21:07 do that tomorrow? That's yeah. No. Yeah. It's a no. Like, that's a no.
21:12 Right. Right.
21:19 Alright, everybody. Welcome to our advertisement. Yeah. So you're watching our episode. We did a short break. Yep. What What do we got a little break for, Ashley?
21:28 Oh, something really, really exciting that when you came home and told me about the news, I was overjoyed, and I hope you had 30 pieces, but you only had 1, but it's okay. Yeah. We are gonna be talking about our new
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22:42 Right. Right. You you're not you're you're you're the the Bible says the heart is deceitfully wicked. And so if you're relying on your this is what my heart's telling me. This It's what my feelings are telling me. The
22:52 answer's no.
22:53 Yeah. I I don't think I don't think I don't think God is saying that you need a
22:56 The bible makes it clear. You you join you you join this woman.
23:00 Right. Sickness and in health.
23:02 You had children with her. Like like, you do not get to negotiate with God whether you're gonna stay with this person. And you don't get to throw me to name
23:08 around like that.
23:09 Yeah. You need to go spend time with God to find the heart for your wife Right. That you've had at 1 point. That's what you need to go and discover.
23:16 And you can do it in your closet.
23:17 Yeah. You did it in your closet. You could do doing a fast. Yep. You could be at home. Yep. Fast from food. Like, you know, you could go for it. You could probably go for losing a few pounds. All of us go fast just do
23:28 water fast for 3 days.
23:29 Right.
23:30 God will speak to you. God does not need you. Oh, but it's okay audit. You have a 9 month old. Do not leave your wife No. With a 9 month old for 4 days.
23:38 4 year old.
23:39 Like, no. What are you doing? What are you thinking? And you and I have heard like, we have done counseling, and I know that may sound hard and harsh on my level, but that is what many men need. I don't know
23:51 him, but I do know many men. That that is the way that men need to oftentimes be related to and talk to in the sense of you have commitments, you've made commitments. Yeah. If you believe
24:03 God is who he says he is, then you need to trust God that he gives you a heart for your spouse Yeah. Gives you a heart for your children because God is not going to negate his own word on responsibility of what a father
24:14 and a husband is. He's not gonna be like, oh, for all of humanity, these are the rules. But for you, you don't have to live by those rules because your feelings tell you otherwise. No. It doesn't happen unless you have
24:26 some type of chemical imbalance, which a counselor is going to help you work through. And then, therefore, you could both understand each other a little bit better. Those are the only caveats I'm adding. If that is not
24:37 there or you're not willing to put that work in
24:39 Mhmm.
24:40 Then no. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Right. Oh, I went to therapy twice. I did better, but I stopped. So now I have this idea that I could go do this and this might help. No. No. You you don't get a jump
24:51 from thing to thing to thing Right. To match your emotions and match your feelings. That's that's not what you get to do. You don't get to have that choice. You have responsibilities. You have a family. You have a wife
25:01 that needs you and vice versa. She has a husband that needs her. But for me, what it appears what she's messaging is she she seems to be taking ownership on stuff. She seems to be wanting to try. That's at least what I
25:12 could tell from the message. We've gotten other messages from people where we felt the wife was totally out of whack Right. And she needed to correct some. As far as I can tell, if the husband looked at me and said,
25:24 yeah. That's pretty much it. Then I would be going hard on this guy in this case because that is what's necessary. And it and and me telling you years ago about how
25:35 much I needed you and how distant it was with the goal for us to get closer. It seems like what he's sharing is a way to prepare her for, breakup,
25:47 isolation. I don't know what it is, but what it appears is nothing he like, you can go to therapy all day long or go to a Christian counselor all day, but if you already made a decision in your heart that you don't wanna
25:56 love this woman anymore, then they're not gonna be able to do a miracle on you because you've already decided. I I don't I don't not attracted to this person. I don't love this person. Love is a choice.
26:06 Right. Well, that made
26:07 it that will
26:08 will even her statement where she said that they were gonna plan on going to couples, and then she he decided he needs to go alone.
26:15 No. She encouraged him to go to alone, which is the right thing to do. He he need he needs to you need to do both. He needs to go alone, and he like, there's times we've sat down with couples counseling, and we've just
26:25 gone, like, hey. You know, telling the wife or whatever or the husband, you need to we need to just work on you for a little bit. Like Yeah. This is, you know, you're holding on to a lot of stuff. So it that seems to me
26:35 like a pretty good decision that it was don't work on your marriage until you individually figure out what's going on, with you. So to me, that was good advice that she gave to him. He did it. She said a couple times,
26:47 miracles aren't gonna happen over a couple times. No. So so he needed to stay consistent with it. He needs to stay consistent in your habits for the most part in your home and in your availability with your spouse.
27:00 You may at some point you have a 9 month old, so that's just the season of life you're in. So maybe on the other side of this, like, you guys need to get away. You need you need to refine your romance. That's that may be
27:10 there as well. Like, as soon as you feel ready, your the child's year, year and a half, 2 years, whatever is comfortable for you to leave with mom and dad or whatever you feel comfortable with. But, go to go to San Diego
27:22 for 2, 3 days Right. And try to sometimes just as a man, you're working every day. You feel like you gotta provide for your family. You you you know, you you you he may be lonely. He may not have friends. I don't know.
27:33 But he may not have friends, so he may be a little lonely. So, yeah, you're gonna come home, and you're gonna find issues with your spouse, but there could be a bunch of stuff. Like, you're not happy with the the living
27:44 you're making. You don't you're not happy because you don't have no friends. You're not and then now you're just taking it out on your spouse. They're just a punching bag.
27:52 Oh, yeah.
27:52 So it's like, as a man, you have to be able to be aware of the responsibility that a man holds and not use that as an excuse on why you get to say theShow more
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