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Better Together: Endearing Conflict Management
July 23, 2023 · 30 min
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Series A Significant Life July 23, 2023 · 30 min · A Significant Life
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Jim Graff is a respected pastor, leader, and author who loves helping people fulfill their unique
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0:00 The Holy Spirit is a gift to us all, given to us by God, sent from heaven to be our helper. Are you living in the full power of this incredible gift? In Jim and Tamra Graf's0:12 new book Maximum Impact, you will learn the importance of living by the Holy Spirit and understanding practical ways to do so in your daily life. Jesus knew that living0:24 the Christian life can be hard, but he never wanted us to live in our own strength. This book will help you see that every part of our life is open to change, and we can achieve our maximum0:36 potential through the Holy Spirit. Are you ready to claim this promise that God has given to every believer? Then visit asignificantlife dot com and order your copy of Maximum Impact0:48 for your gift of any amount. Click now and begin to make a maximum impact on your world.0:59 We're so glad you're joining us today on Significant Life. Thanks for the joy of letting us share insights from God's word that make our lives all more abundant like Jesus knows they can be. You know, Jeffrey, today1:11 we're going to be talking about an area that's pretty difficult for most of us, and that's conflict resolution. And we've titled this message today Endearing Conflict Resolution.1:22 That's right, because that's how Jesus taught his disciples to resolve conflict. When it's done his way, strengthens our affection for 1 another, it helps us grow together, and it strengthens our faith too.1:34 That's so true. In fact, the passage we're going1:36 to study today closes with the disciples saying to Jesus, strengthen our faith. And I believe our faith will be strengthened today. And I believe that issues that maybe are producing an adversarial environment or1:48 maybe we're avoiding them, we're going to learn to come together and we're going to learn to have a better life because of how Jesus taught us to handle conflict.2:14 Well, today we're gonna talk about 1 of life's most important skills. And sadly, it's a skill that most people never learn how to employ very well in their lives. And I'm2:26 talking about the skill of conflict resolution. We live in a world where we don't have to look very far, and we find that there are people who are building walls, though sadly we do need to build2:38 walls, but really God doesn't want us to be wall builders. Ultimately, he wants us to learn how to be bridge builders. That's why in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus taught this in Matthew 52:49 9, he said, blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the children of God. Now let me see your hand this morning if you're a child of God. Would you wave at me? Me too. I'm a child of God.3:02 And you know what? I'm a parent too. And if you're a parent, you know that you have a strong desire in your heart, not only that your kids' lives would go well, but that they would get along well3:13 with the people who are in their world. Right? You know, perhaps my favorite book on marriage is titled The Meaning of Marriage, and it's written by doctor and pastor Tim Keller.3:25 He just went to heaven recently, but he was 1 of America's most loved and admired pastors for good reason. And he wrote this in his book on facing the complexities of commitment in3:37 relationship based on God's wisdom. He said the gospel is this, that we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dare to believe, yet at the very same time we're more loved and3:49 accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dare to hope. And this is really at the heart of the challenge that we have with getting along with each other, and God wants us to know the4:00 joy of working things out instead of walking out on people, and He wants us to experience the joy of working things out instead of living at war with each other, and he promises4:12 us in Psalm 1 33 that if we'll do this, we're gonna have special memories and special blessings in our life because of how we've obeyed God. And today we're gonna look at what4:24 Jesus taught about endearing conflict resolution, but first I want to show you a picture. This is of the dog we had when the kids were growing up in the house. His name is Sport.4:36 And first of all, if you've attended the church more than 3 years, I apologize for showing you his picture so much. Alright? But I've got a picture of Sport right by the picture of all my kids and4:48 grandkids whenever I'm studying, and this is why if the if dogs go to heaven, and I believe they do, and if there's a dog hall of fame in heaven, I promise you sport has already5:00 been inducted into the dog hall of fame because was incredible. He was the most loyal faithful dog that you could ever have in5:12 your life. Whenever he was little the kids would pull his his ears and sport didn't care. He just stayed loyal and he stayed faithful. And then when they were getting bigger and they were5:23 learning how to love by taking care of a pet, they would feed him late sometimes, they would forget take him on his scheduled walks. But you know what? Sport just stayed loyal and5:35 sport just stayed faithful to my family. I think sport is the reason that somebody, shared this quote 1 day. It's an anonymous quote, and I really believe it's anonymous5:47 because somebody didn't want their spouse to know that they shared this quote. And this is what it says, that the reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of wagging his5:58 tongue. Now how many of you know that's not in the Bible, but that is wisdom right there, isn't it? And God wants us to know that faithfulness or fidelity and and loyalty are so important6:10 if relationships are going to work out. In fact, that's why God told Moses something in Leviticus, we're gonna read this morning, and he told them when the Israelites season all their grain6:22 offerings, I want them to season them with salt. And he said, don't leave the salt of the covenant of your God out of your grain offerings, but I want you to add salt to all of your offerings.6:34 Now all of the offerings in the Old Testament show us things that God wants us to experience in our lives. So he has things that were called burnt offerings and they no longer offered6:46 them after Jesus came because Jesus was a fulfillment of the burnt offering and he was offering, he was offered for your sins and for mine. But then they also had grain offerings6:57 which reminded the people God wants to bless you. God wants to increase your life. They had guilt offerings which meant, listen, God wants you to learn to deal with your guilt and get along with each other on the other7:09 side of guilt, But did you notice that that God told Moses with every offering that you bring me, I want you to make sure that you put salt in the offering. Why did God say that?7:21 Well, because listen to what this scholar wrote. He said that the preserving quality of salt represents the loyalty and the fidelity that are necessary for our relationships to7:33 thrive with God and 1 another. In other words, if someone doesn't stay loyal to God's truth, it's really hard to build a good relationship, isn't it? If we don't stay faithful to7:45 the best interests of 1 another, relational unity is gonna break down, and that's at the heart of why so many people are walking out and they're at war with 1 another7:56 whenever their best life and their best memories lie down the path of working things out and letting God bring forth his wonderful will in their lives. And so this morning, we're gonna let Jesus8:08 speak to this predicament that so many people are facing, and it's interesting that I had 3 texts that I almost chose before I shared this with you this morning, and all8:20 3 of them come from when Jesus was leaving Galilee and he was coming to Jerusalem for the final time, and he spoke to the disciples a number of times about the importance8:32 of practicing skills that caused them to manage their conflict in endearing ways, and it's because Jesus knew the legacy of what God was doing in the world8:44 was really on the line. If the enemy could get them divided, then he could defeat the church. Can you say amen? If the enemy could get them divided, then they would begin to put each other8:56 down because of their weakness instead of helping each other win on the other side of their weakness. And if you read the context of this first verse in Mark 9 verse 50, Jesus is9:08 talking about how division is something we have to fight folks, and 1 of the reasons he says is because think about how much pain division has caused people, think about the damage that9:20 division has done to the lives of little children, and then listen to what Jesus said after setting up this particular verse in that context. In Mark 9 50, Jesus said,9:32 now I want you to have salt among yourselves and I want you to learn to live at peace with each other. In other words, you're not going to have peace if you don't have loyalty to God's truth. You're not going to have9:43 peace unless you have fidelity and faithfulness to the best interests of others, but Jesus wants us to know our best memories and our most significant accomplishments lie down the path to putting9:55 peace high on the priority list in our life. Amen? So how do we do that? Well, Jesus teaches us these things about making conflict resolution endearing. First,10:07 in Luke 17 1, he says to his disciples, things that cause people to stumble are bound to come. Now I'm going to give you 3 things before we talk about how to make it endearing, and that is10:19 Jesus says the first thing we should do is we should expect there to be conflict with the people in our world. He said the things that cause people to stumble. Other translations say things that cause10:30 people to sin. And Jesus said, listen, things that happen that cause us to have difficulties, they're bound to come. So number 1, we should expect it. But then10:42 the second thing Jesus said, but woe to anyone through whom they come. It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause 1 of these little ones to10:54 stumble. And when you look at it, they're not thinking about the best interests of everybody, but they've either walked out on somebody or else they're at war with somebody. And listen, you're11:06 1 of those people who when there's a conflict, you go around talking to everybody trying to figure out who's really right and who's really wrong, I'm gonna make that really simple for you, and that is the person that11:17 works hard not to war and not to walk out, and the person that puts other people first and who treasures the will of God, they're the person that's doing what's right in God's sight.11:29 Because listen, there aren't any perfect people in this world. But how many of you know we can have families and a church family? God bless us because we do things God's way. Right? So number 1, we cannot11:42 live a life where we think somebody's bad because there's conflict. We should expect conflict in our life. Number 2, we should live with an attitude, woe to the person who's causing11:53 division. And then number 3, Jesus said, and watch yourself, watch your own heart. And then he gave us 3 things to do whenever there's conflict. Number 1, Jesus says,12:05 do not allow wrong doing to reign. He says, so watch yourself and if your brother or sister sins against you, I want you to rebuke them. Now I can hear all of you war12:17 with people, you know, people You're saying, amen pastor, preach this. I've been waiting for this for a long time because my husband or wife, they won't stand up to anybody about anything.12:29 And I'm so glad you read this verse that says that we're supposed to rebuke people. And you know what? You're right, but just hold on to your britches, okay? Because we're gonna get to your problem in a minute12:41 as well. But there are people who just think if we just avoid everything that's going on and if I'm just nice to everybody that all the problems are going to go12:52 away. Listen, people are sinful and if you don't learn to stand up, sinful people are going to hurt the people who are in your world. And that's why Jesus said number 1, you've got13:04 to rebuke people whenever they sin. Now why is it so hard for people to deal with their sin? We're told in Genesis 3, whenever sin entered the world, the Bible says that the eyes of13:16 both Adam and Eve were opened and they realized they were naked. So what did they do? They sewed fig leaves together and they made coverings for themselves. And that's what people do whenever they sin. They get13:28 defensive, they get distant from people, they begin to distort reality whether it's telling outright lies or twisting the truth about things, and then the other thing that they tend to do is they start13:40 becoming demanding of others and they go to war against other people. And Jesus said, listen, those things are difficult to deal with and that's why you need to learn to go to people and to13:52 say, listen, you've sinned. But now let's look at how God went to Adam and Eve. In verse 9, it says, the Lord God called to the man, where are you? And Adam answered, I heard you in the14:03 garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid. And God said to him, who told you you were naked? Now we're beginning to set up the second point of Jesus teaching and that14:15 is I want you to notice that God didn't come down and say, Adam, what in the world have you done? No. God said to him, Adam, where are you? I care about you. We're gonna deal with14:27 this sin, but the only reason we're gonna deal with this sin is because I love you so much and I have such great dreams that I want you and I to experience together. And then after he said, where are you?14:39 He said to Adam, he said, who told you that? Because unless the power of the devil is defeated, you're never gonna defeat division in your family or in your home. And listen, this14:51 is a day when we better learn how not to allow wrongdoing. Because if you notice, we live in America where right is called wrong and where sin is is15:03 called righteousness. For that reason, I've been watching documentaries on the great reformers of the Protestant movement, and the first 1 is John Wycliffe, they call the morning star of the15:15 Reformation. And then the second I watch was John Huss, who was the second voice that began to bring reason and truth back to Europe. And you know what I noticed about these15:27 guys is the love they operated with was amazing. They weren't preaching for ego. They weren't preaching for position. They weren't preaching for any other reason than they15:39 loved people, and because of that they weren't going to allow sin, and they weren't going to let people feel unloved. Can you say amen? 1 of my favorite moments in the documentary happened when15:51 Huss was walking to his trial, and this young couple came to him, and they had a baby, and the baby died. And if you're Catholic, you know that there's a belief that if your16:03 baby dies without being baptized, that baby could go to hell. So this man brought his wife and she was in such grief that he feared that she was gonna have16:15 major health issues. She was already having minor health issues in her life, and John Hus looked at her, and he found out the reason they believed that. And then he16:27 found out that the reason the baby wasn't baptized is because they didn't pay the Pope's tax, and they wouldn't baptize the baby unless they paid the Pope's tax. And I watched John Hus16:39 with love in his heart, share the truth of the gospel with these people. And how many of you know that's what Jesus has called us to do? We're not to be the angry people against everybody, but we're not16:50 allowed we're not gonna allow sin to reign either. Amen? Because we love people so much. So number 1, we don't allow. Everybody say don't allow. We don't allow wrongdoing, but number 2, we don't ever17:02 get against anybody. Jesus said this, now watch yourself because if your brother or sister sins against you, you rebuke them, but if they repent, I want you to forgive them. Now that makes17:14 me think of a question that some of you may be thinking about today, and that is, what do you do if you go to somebody and you point out their sin, and you know what, they don't17:25 repent. Well fortunately, 1 of the other stories that I preached that I could have preached on gives us the answer. It's in Matthew chapter 18. And Jesus says, first of all, what you do17:37 is you go to them privately and you talk to them privately about their sin. And that's because it shows you're not against that person. You actually just want to create some memories together. So you want17:49 to get this thing right in God's sight. The second thing Jesus said, if they don't repent, bring along some experts with you and let them know I'm not doing this to try to prove I'm right. I'm18:01 here because I want God to answer our prayers and I want God to bless us. But then Jesus said, if you bring people along and they won't listen to you, he said then you got to do the third thing and18:13 that's set a boundary. Now why do you have to set a boundary? Because if they don't care about what they've done to hurt you, then that means they're willing to continue to hurt you and you have to deal with that.18:25 So Jacob had to do this in Genesis 31, if you want to read the story. His father-in-law Laban became a father outlaw. How many of you know that happens sometime? And the brother in laws became brother18:37 outlaws along with him and they were hurting Jacob. And you know what Jacob did? Jacob prayed to God and the Holy Spirit showed Jacob his plan to bless his18:49 life. And Jacob started following God's plan, and his father-in-law came running after him, and Jacob looked at him, and he didn't get mad. He said, now here's what I'm gonna do. He said, I'm gonna19:01 set a boundary between you and me, and it's the Lord's word that creates that boundary. And when you come across the boundary, if you're not gonna obey God's word, I've got to have boundary because I19:13 got to protect the people that I love. Then Jesus talked about the third thing and he said, the third thing I want you to do is I want you to start fostering what brings maturity into people's hearts.19:25 He went on and he said, even if they sin against you 7 times a day and 7 times a day come back to you saying, I repent, you must forgive them. Now most19:37 scholars believe that 7 is symbolic and not literal because 7 is the number of completion in the Bible. For instance, it took 7 days for God to make the earth. Right? He19:49 completed 1 week, And then there's 7 years in a in a cycle in the Jewish world. And so what Jesus was saying is, here's what I want you to do. Don't allow20:00 sin to reign. Don't get against people, but start focusing on what's going to foster maturity in the lives of people. And can I tell you, we all deal with this folks? Tamara and I20:12 both have struggled because we don't like conflict, either 1 of us. And can I tell you, I've seen her frustrated? I'll never forget the day she came home, somebody did something to 1 of our kids, which if you wanna get20:24 her mad, that's the way. And she's got 5 grandkids now, so watch out. Can somebody say amen? But listen, she said, that son of a biscuit eater. And I said, what did you say? And she said, oh, she said,20:36 I know I shouldn't say that. And I said, you shouldn't because in my world, when you said son of a biscuit eater, that is s o b, and it wasn't a biscuit eater that I came out of. There20:48 was another word that that we used to Isn't that Christian cussing, Tamri? Don't you need to think twice about that? But listen, folks. Jesus is saying, it's hard to do this,21:00 but I want you to know it's worth doing the hard work. How many of you wanna live in a home where we don't walk out and we don't war with each other? We walk with God and he blesses us. Amen? Thank God21:12 he tells us how to do that in his word. And here here's something I wanna encourage you if you just need a little extra challenge in your heart this morning. Did you know that21:24 any time you walk in unforgiveness, you're leaving answered prayer on the table in your life? Jesus made that clear in Mark 11 25 when he said, and when you stand praying, if you hold21:36 anything against anyone, forgive them so that your father in heaven may forgive your sins. Now, are you saying, Jim, does that mean that if I get against people, God's gonna be against me?21:48 I think that would be a wrong interpretation of that verse. Though, certainly God can oppose people, but this is what I think God's saying. I think God's saying that anytime you have people against you, he can't answer21:59 the prayers he would if you learned how to have people with you because the favor of God and the favor of people are necessary for prayers to be answered. Listen to what Peter22:11 said. This puts it really plain in first Peter 3 7. He said, husbands, be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you22:23 of the gracious gift of life. But why do we do this? So that nothing will hinder our prayers. Now here's the fourth thing, and I have to smile at this 1, and that is after Jesus talked22:35 to them about not allowing sin, not getting against each other, but bringing out the best in each other, and foster foster maturity in their life.22:47 Listen to their answer in Luke 17 5. The apostles said to the Lord, increase our faith. Can I see your hand if you ever had to forgive somebody and you needed God to increase your faith if22:59 you're gonna forgive that person? Right? What's Jesus saying? He's saying, you know what? You better not just support what fosters maturity, you better support what fosters faith because this is difficult. I'll tell you,23:10 I'm glad I learned how to live by faith because I can tell you when I latched on to Hebrews 11 6, this said, without faith it's impossible to please God, but whoever comes to God23:22 must believe that he exists and that he's a rewarder of those who obey him and do the hard thing so he can bless them. I can tell you if you don't do the hard thing, you don't get to live23:34 in the blessed thing in your life. Amen? But if it's hard, I want to encourage you with these 2 scriptures as we close. The first 1 is in Luke 18 27. Jesus taught this,23:46 that what's impossible with man is possible with God. See some of you today, think it's impossible. And the reason you think it's impossible is because the only way you know how to make things work out23:58 is to do things on your own. But what's impossible to you, if you get to know God better and if you let mature godly people speak into your life, you're gonna learn what you thought was24:09 impossible, wasn't even hard for God. He knew how to do what he promised you he could do. Amen? But listen to this other scripture, and this makes me chuckle every time I read it. It's Romans 1224:21 17 to 18. It says, don't repay anyone evil for evil. In other words, don't ever be against people. And listen, if people have been good to you and you're repaying evil, that's24:33 really a problem. You don't wanna reap the side effect of what it means not to be good to people who've been good to you. And then he says this, be careful to do what's right in the eyes of everyone.24:46 That's how we don't allow sin to reign. We do what's right. But when we do it in the eyes of everyone, it keeps us from getting against anybody. But then listen to this statement, and it says, if it's possible,24:58 as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. So what Jesus is saying is, it's just not possible all the time to live at peace with everybody. But can I just encourage you in this,25:10 I've learned it never makes me more persuasive to become abrasive? I never wanna be abrasive. I wanna have good talks with people and I wanna do things Jesus' way. Because when I do25:22 things Jesus' way, he brings wonderful blessings, whether I'm like Jacob and I can't get people on board with what's in God's heart, or whether I have the joy of being reconciled25:34 to people who help me see life better and who help me think better, who make me more like Jesus because people are the great purifiers of our life. Can you say amen? Either25:45 way, my life's so much better whenever I do everything I can to walk in unity with people. So in closing, want to tell you when I get in conflict with people, I have 225:57 different lists I follow. Both of them have 4 requirements. Here's my first list. When you're in conflict with people, go buy a large chocolate eclair.26:10 Insert it in your mouth and savor every bite. And then number 4, just let it stay in there until all the anger and hurt go26:22 and peace and joy fill your heart. That's a great temporary solution sometime, isn't it? Just buy you a chocolate eclair, you're gonna be all right. But here's some better advice.26:34 When you're in conflict with people, don't allow wrongdoing to reign. Don't get against anybody. Foster what brings maturity in people's hearts and keep your faith26:45 strong. God will give you a world where he blesses you and the best part of it all are the people that you get to live in that world with. Can you say amen?27:00 Sadly, we are living in a world where so many people are building walls. And sometimes that's necessary, but it's so much better when we can work together and everybody's world becomes better because of it. For27:11 sure.27:12 I see it every day as the pastor of family ministries of Faith Family Church. People want to grow great lives together, but they aren't because they haven't learned to get along. Personalities and generational27:23 preferences get in the way, causing people to fight for what I want instead of the better world that we would have together. God looked at Adam and He said, It's not good for you to be alone. And it isn't good for us to27:34 be alone, whether married or single. It's why God called His church a family.27:39 That's an awesome thought, Jeffrey. And it's why we want to encourage all of you to be a part of a good local church. In addition to being helped through this broadcast every week, we're so much better together27:51 and we're called to help each other step into the significance God sees in our life.27:58 The Holy Spirit is a gift to us all, given to us by God, sent from heaven to be our helper. Are you living in the full power of this incredible gift? In Jim and Tamra28:10 Graf's new book Maximum Impact, you will learn the importance of living by the Holy Spirit and understanding practical ways to do so in your daily life. Jesus knew that28:22 living the Christian life can be hard, but he never wanted us to live in our own strength. This book will help you see that every part of our life is open to change and we can achieve our28:34 maximum potential through the Holy Spirit. Are you ready to claim this promise that God has given to every believer? Then visit asignificant life dot com and order your copy of28:45 Maximum Impact for your gift of any amount. Click now and begin to make a maximum impact on your world.28:58 Pastor Jim Graff's significant church network is empowering thousands of ministry leaders across America. Ministry can be tough and often exhausting work, but the Significant Church Network is helping29:10 by coming alongside leaders so we can all become stronger together for God's greatest impact. As a small town pastor himself, Pastor Jim recognized the significant impact and influence that these ministries29:22 can have on their communities. We offer encouragement to those in America's smaller cities, working hard for the kingdom through pastoral coaching, helping resources, and a powerful connection of like29:34 minded leaders. From our weekly live webinars to our annual gathering, we want to empower churches and leaders often overlooked in the heart of America. To join us or29:46 get involved in Pastor Graf's Significant Church Network, visit significantchurch dot com. That's significantchurch dot com.
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The Bond of Peace: Forbearance: His Way or the Highway Jim Graff
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