Skip to content This Is Us - Broken Home (Part 1) May 31 · 25 min ...more
May 31, 2022 · 25 min · This Is Us
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Beth Jones is a Bible teacher and founder of The Basics With Beth, a non-profit Christian teaching ministry dedicated to helping people learn the Bible basics.
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0:15 Welcome to our last week in This Is Us. This particular subject is I Came From a Broken Home. And in my case, I did, and I know many of you did as well. And if you0:27 didn't specifically yourself, you know people for sure that have. It may be that you are the child of divorce. It may be that you have been through a divorce. As a married person, you've been through a divorce. Maybe0:38 both. You've experienced both. For sure, like I said, you know people that have. And in addition to that, some of the things we're going talk about today are relevant to all of us, whether or not we've experienced a0:49 broken home or divorce, because what we're going to talk about is just some of the things we all go through in life based on a variety of circumstances. So trust in the Lord to speak to us and to help us and to encourage1:00 us. And, the walk away today here's here's what I believe the Lord wants us to get today. I believe he wants you to know you matter. That's it. If you walk away today and you1:11 go, I matter. I matter to the Lord, a number 1, and to others as well. That's, I think, what he wants to communicate to us. And so we're gonna, take a little journey together. I'm gonna share1:23 my story with you, a little bit about my story, and we'll find connecting points along the way. But I feel like today's message, what it is, is it's, the bible talks about the Lord is our shepherd. You know, he leads1:35 me beside still waters, makes me lie down and rest and so on. He restores my soul. I feel like today's message is a restore your soul kind of a message.1:47 God's gonna touch your heart, I believe, but more your soul, the emotional part of you, maybe some things you haven't fully understood about yourself, the way you think at times, things are going on inside of you, both1:58 in your heart but also in your mind, your emotions, and just kind of the soulish part of us. Who knows when we get born again, when Jesus becomes the Lord of our life and he comes to live in our heart and our spirit2:07 comes alive to God, who knows you still have a soul, a mind, and emotions, and a will? And sometimes we don't really address that part of our lives as much as we ought to, and in fact, I was thinking2:19 about it, like, with this subject. So I've been in church around 40 years or so, and I have never once ever heard a message about this topic. Specifically, I've never heard a2:31 message about being the child of divorce and how God connects with you and, you know, what what kind of things would be going on in your life and what the Lord wants to do to restore. I've never once2:43 heard a message on that subject, but to be honest, I've never heard a message on divorce in general. Heard a lot of other messages that all, you know, resonate with that subject, but never specifically on that2:55 topic. But it's interesting because, you know, the statistics tell us almost 50 percent of the population goes through a divorce. I mean, the the ratios are like 41 to 43 percent of all people3:06 married this year will experience a divorce. That's pretty high. Meaning, everybody in this room has been touched by it in some way, you know somebody, and there are a lot of people in this room who have been through it,3:19 and maybe are in the middle of some things now. So it's not easy to navigate all the time, there's a lot of layers to it. Throw in remarriage, throw in step parents, throw in step brothers and3:30 sisters, throw in all kinds of other family dynamics, and there's a lot to process. But aren't you glad the Lord can help us? The Lord can help us. And you matter. That's the3:42 goal. Now the other thing, just to give you a heads up, the other thing we're wanting to do is just, like I said, jump into it. I'll tell you our story. And, you know, sometimes when you when you have a conversation3:50 about things, you're you're just honest about some things. You have to be just honest about things, but the goal in what I'm going to share is not to, in my own story but also for yours, it's not in any way, shape or4:01 form to point fingers, to blame, to put anybody in a bad light, because everybody is a work in progress. Broken people have broken homes. And even with my own4:13 family, let me just give you a couple disclaimers, I feel like my parents, in light of the fact that they went through a divorce and the stuff I'll share, even in light of that, I have to say, and I've always said this,4:24 I really do believe they did the very best job they could with the light they had at the time. With what they knew at the time, what they were going through, I feel like for my sisters and I, they did the very best job4:36 they could along the way. And a couple things they did really well that I think were helpful, and may be helpful to some of you that are in this scenario now, is they never bad talked each other in front of us kids. They4:47 never bad mouthed the other spouse in front of us, which was good. So they didn't put us in a position where we had to pick sides. That was that was a good thing. We were we were always thankful for that. And, they just4:57 did their best with the knowledge they had to be the parents they were, but just like we said, every there's no perfect family. There's a little dysfunction in every family. And all the families said, there's just5:09 a little dysfunction in every family. So I say all that as kind of a precursor to what we're gonna share just so get the hearts. So the other thing I'll say is this, God always has a way to5:20 redeem things, doesn't he? He always has a way to turn things around. And so in Genesis, 50 verse 20, what you intended to harm me, God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done,5:32 the saving of many lives. I think that's something you can always rest in. Lord, no matter what I'm going through, no matter what's happened in my life to me or through me or around me, what maybe what others meant for5:43 evil or what the enemy meant for evil, somehow or another, you'll turn it around for my good and the good of people in my world. And we've seen that in our family for sure. It was a difficult season and difficult time,5:55 and there are parts of it that linger, which I'll talk about. But even in the midst of all that, the Lord turns it around for our good and then through you and through us for the good of those around us. So I got6:07 this message, from a cousin. She saw that I had posted. I was studying the other day for this message. She said, I saw your post on writing this week's message. She said, it kind of opened up a floodgate for6:18 me, oddly enough, of gratitude. Through God's love and your experiences, you are who you are today. It's so evident that sharing that love and God's love is what you're all about. So in a crazy6:30 kind of way, I'm grateful for all you and your family have been through and for the transformation from hurt to healing that you've all been blessed with. I guess the song title hashtag for how I feel would be hashtag6:42 god bless the broken home. So I thought that was a nice note to get from a cousin who I didn't even really know was watching, so to speak. But she watched our family go through this whole process. She was a couple years6:52 older than than my sisters and I, and so she watched this whole whole thing. And just like Genesis, you know, 50 says, God uses things that were meant for evil and turns it around for good even in the midst. So let me7:04 share a little bit about my story. In fact, they're gonna put a picture up. And, this is our family, the Shepherd family portrait. And so there's my dad on the left, Jerry.7:16 My mom, Carol. I'm the 1 with the little dark haired Bob. Then my sister in front of me with the pigtails is my little sister Michelle. A lot of you guys know Michelle Snow. Then my sister Rhonda is right next to me.7:28 She and her husband are missionaries in Mexico. And then my sister Kelly, and they live in the Brighton area. So 4 girls were all 18 months apart. My parents got separated and then ultimately divorced.7:40 Separated in 1968ish. We were kind of going back and looking at when this all happened. And then the divorce was official around 19 72. I was between 9 and 13 at that time, Rhonda7:52 between 8 and 12, Kelly's between 6 and 10, and Michelle 5 to 9, so pretty young ages. And again, you know, whatever your story is, you can kind of paint a similar picture. So I wanna8:03 share this story with you from 3 different sort of scenarios before, during, and after. Before the divorce, during, and after. And then what did God do in the midst of all that? What is he doing? What8:15 does he want to do in and through your life? Amen? So before the8:27 divorce, so it was happy days. Before the divorce, it was, we were just a good Catholic family, went to mass every Sunday. After mass, we went to don donuts, got8:39 a dozen glazed and a gallon of milk, and went home and had a nutritious breakfast and enjoyed the day. And my parents had a cottage up north, up at Lake City, Lake Masaaki. We8:51 went up to the cottage a lot of the weekends in the summer and the winter. 1 Christmas my parents got all of us skis and tie up boots, cable binding skis and tie up boots. Some of you remember those9:03 days. And we drove up almost every weekend, drove up to Cabra Fet to go skiing. So when I think about our childhood, you know, up until these ages I'm mentioning, happy and pretty idyllic in a9:15 sense. I remember my dad mowing the lawn we were catching butterflies. I remember, playing in a sandbox in our backyard. I remember my dad taught me how to ride a bike. I remember jumping rope9:27 in the driveway with my sisters and my parents just, you know, sipping iced tea somewhere on the back porch. I mean, I I have certain memories like that. My dad taught us to fish. So when I think about, like, our9:38 childhood, it was just like a childhood. Just you're with your parents. You're just doing stuff. I remember grocery shopping at Meijer's and all the other things you have to do, cleaning having cleaning parties, having9:49 to clean your bedroom, you know, and just the stuff that was our happy little life. Until 1 day that my mom and I went grocery shopping, and we went to Kroger.10:01 So we're at Kroger, and we were in the parking lot, and she parked the car and she had this odd look on her face, and it was raining. I remember it was raining, and I remember that the windshield wipers were slapping10:12 back and forth, and before we got out of the car, said, Beth, I just need to tell you something. And I'm like, okay, what? You know? She goes, well, she goes, with your dad and I, things are not working out, and we're10:24 gonna get a divorce. And I was just like, what? No. No. That cannot happen. We don't do that.10:37 Like, no. Like, instantly inside, was just recoiling, like, no. I'm not even hearing this because we just had a happy life. But then there was this day10:49 of shock, this day that forever changed our family, and you may remember that as well. Those of you who've been through this, or maybe you heard those words from a spouse11:00 or from your parents, you may remember I I guarantee you, I'll bet you for sure, you know right where you were when you heard those words. You knew where you were standing or sitting,11:12 what you were doing. And I remember I just kinda went into a daze, And the next day at school, I remember walking around school just in a daze. Just like, no. And my my mom had not told my sisters11:24 yet. I'm the oldest of 4 girls, as you saw in the picture, so my sisters didn't know yet. So I was the only 1 that knew it this first couple days. And I just remember being in a in a daze. So then eventually my dad,11:36 pulled all of us girls into a room, told us what was going on, and then mom pulled us all into a room and told us. And so it was just that day of shock, and you're trying to process it. And depending11:48 on whatever news you heard, you know, maybe the news you heard wasn't about a divorce, but it might have been something else that for you was earth shaking, like, what? And then you kinda have to process that. We12:00 went from the days before, these happy days and then the day of shock, into the days of during, during the divorce, that whole divorce process. So then what happened? So in our case, a couple12:12 things: the separated days, the survival days, and then the final divorce days. And that was a period of time. So, like a lot of kids, of course you hope that what you're hearing is not true,12:24 and you hope that they'll reconsider and it'll all work out and this won't ever happen. So they were separated first. My dad moved out, and it was right before Christmas, we figured around 19 6812:36 or so, my dad moved out right before Christmas. And I was talking to my sisters recently about it, and 1 of my sisters said for her, she remembers dad moving out right around Christmas, right after Christmas, and she12:47 said for her, even though the divorce was not actually final till a couple of years later, for her, she said, I felt my heart like it was the divorce was final then. Like something changed within her then, even though12:58 officially it was a couple of years later. My other sister, 1 of my other sisters, she said she remembers when that happened that she was being a little bit mouthy, and she said,13:10 as my dad was getting ready to leave, she said, well, don't let the door hit you in the behind when you get out, which is, you know, kinda sassy for a little kid. And she goes, and then I went and ran in the closet and13:21 hid. My dad turned around and said, who said that? And she didn't make a peep. And then eventually my mom said, Jerry, just get out of here. Shoot him out the door. And he got out the door, and13:33 then mom turned around, my sister came out of the closet, and my mom gave her a little wink like attaboy. Which I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's what happened. But that gives you a little13:45 bit the, you know, quick little snapshot into the emotional scene, you know, kind of right in in the moment. So then, dad's gone, they're not divorced, but they are separated, and13:57 there's a teeny glimmer of hope that maybe this won't be long lasting. So dad's out, and so now we're trying to figure out how to survive. So now it's us 4 girls and mom, and she was always our hero, you know,14:09 so to speak. I mean, was always like, you know, the champion of the cheerleaders and our little survivor tribe, and She had to get a job. She had not worked up until this point. She was a stay at home mom, and so she had14:20 to get a job, and she got hired to work for the Beecham and Beechnut candy sales company. So she sold gum and lifesavers and candy and had a trunk full of it,14:32 which of course we loved. And had to figure out how to work, how to have a job. So she's a single mom, even though they're not officially separated, but in essence we're living like she's our single mom, and she's having14:42 to provide, and we're figuring out how to survive. And I remember being the oldest of the sisters, and again, if you're the oldest or wherever you fit in the birth order of your family or your situation,14:55 I remember instinctively knowing I had to take on the responsibility. Like, I almost felt like I grew up overnight. I almost felt like 1 night I went to bed as a 9 or 10 or 11 year old, and the next night I woke up as15:06 like a 20 year old, and had to, like, be responsible for my mom. You know, she was kind of a mess at the time, which was understandable, going through a lot emotionally and all this stuff hitting her, and so I felt like15:17 responsible to help her. And then I'm the oldest of the sisters, so I felt responsible to make sure that my sisters turned out and that I helped them, you know, navigate life. And so I called a meeting in the basement. I15:27 remember this. I called a meeting in the basement and, told my sisters and said, okay, guys, so, like, we're gonna be from a broken home, and so here's the thing. We can't like, everybody's gonna expect us to get15:39 bad grades, to do drugs, to drop out of school, to, like, be bad kids. But we can't do that. We're not gonna do that. We're gonna get good grades, we're gonna be good kids, and we're gonna not do drugs. Okay, so we did15:50 most of what I said. We had a few little detours along the way, but mostly we were pretty good kids. And, we just felt that responsibility, you know,16:02 to to survive, so to speak. And, and you kinda grow up quick quickly. And in fact, they say experts say when kids go through divorce and they're 9 years old and under, or 8 years old and16:14 under, they tend to become more dependent and more clingy to the parents and more needy. When kids are 9 years old and above, when it happens, they tend to become more independent. Their independence16:25 is accelerated, and they sort of are wise beyond their years way sooner than they normally would be. So on the plus side, I mean, you know, if you try to look at the cup half full, the good side of those of you that have16:37 been through this is you and or your kids, learn some coping skills. They have to. They have to learn some coping skills, and they have to become leaders. They have to figure out how to lead their lives and how to16:49 survive. And so on on the positive side, some good things come out of it. But on the negative side, they they grow up so quick they miss some things that they should have been able to have enjoyed or lived, you know, and16:59 experienced. So there we were in that season. I mean, little things like you don't think about it, but those of you that are single moms, you think about this. Those of you that are experiencing this, you think about it.17:09 You gotta figure out how to fix the dishwasher. You gotta figure out how to replace the furnace filter. Who's gonna mow the lawn? You know, I mean, the stuff that dad did, all of a sudden it's like, it's us it's us17:21 girls, we gotta figure this out. 1 time we built a wall in the basement. We literally went and got my mom went and got 2 by fours. We literally built a wall in the basement. We were so proud of that wall. Put paneling on17:32 it and everything. Who remembers paneling? Paneling and carpet squares. Red shag carpet squares. Oh, Lord. So but you just you're surviving is what I'm17:44 trying to get at. And, so then when the divorce was final oh, let me just say a couple other things in that season because some of you will relate to this. Now we were the family prior to all this. We had a17:55 cottage up north. We went skiing like we lived a nice life. Now all of a sudden, single mom, not getting a ton of child support, trying to work, I'm the girl bumming spare change at school for18:07 lunch. If there was a need for a scholarship to go on something, to go to camp or to do anything, to be in the Girl Scouts or do anything like that, if there was a need for extra money to do any18:19 of that for my sisters and I, we were the scholarship kids. So it was a pretty big change. Of course, we didn't know it. Looking back, we realized it. But at the time, it was just our life. But there is that certain18:30 thing like, I've shared this story before, we shopped on the clearance rack. Not not out of choice, out of necessity. You know, the idea that you could spend money on things just wasn't an option18:41 anymore. A lot of you understand that you're living that life as well. So just a lot of things were changing in the survival scene, and then when the divorce was final, it was really just final. I think for all of us,18:51 we'd already processed that this is this is happening, they're not getting back together. Now my parents built a house. They they thought in this couple year window of time, they thought maybe if they built a house, that19:02 would help things. And so we built a brand new house. And, my dad never moved into it. We moved into it, lived there for 1 year, the mom sold it. And she bought a duplex, and so we19:13 basically grew up in the duplex mom bought from that point on. So that brings you up to speed, the before and the during. So then after the divorce, so then what happens?19:25 Well, dad moved out, so I need, maybe Pastor Aaron, could you help me? We'll just kinda slide dad out here. He's gonna move. So he's over in his trailer, and so now this is the new normal. So19:37 again, a lot of you understand this. You go into a new normal. So the new normal is us, 4 girls and mom, and then dad's living in a mobile home. He bought a trailer, and he's living there, and then we visit dad every19:48 other weekend. We go spend time with dad. Of course, you know, we're from 9 years old. Michelle was 5 at the time, so from 5 years old and up. And so all of our stuff is here at mom's house. Our toys, our20:00 clothes, you know, all the stuff. But at dad's house, dad got the La Z Boy. And that was a big concern for us. When this all went down, 1 of our first questions was, who's getting the TV and who's getting the gold La Z20:11 Boy? Which is funny, the things kids think of, because that was, like, the least important thing, but dad got the La Z Boy, and in our case it was gold. And so we went to see dad at20:23 the trailer, and, you know, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do there? You don't have anything there. None of your stuff's there. You don't know anybody in the trailer park. So we would do little talent20:34 shows. We'd do cartwheels and act like we were in the circus. Do flips and, you know, just try to keep ourselves entertained. So my and my dad always had potato chips and dip20:46 and John Wayne movies. And the thing he decided he probably needed to do with the 4 girls is just take us on trips. So eventually, my dad got remarried, and eventually my mom got20:58 remarried, and so we would see my dad, and annually, about twice a year, he would take all of us girls on a trip. We'd all go to, you know, someplace where he could golf. He and his wife Nancy could golf, and then us21:09 girls could lay by the pool and swim and, you know, go to an amusement park or something. So those are those are things that, again, they're doing the best they can with the knowledge they have and with the skill set21:19 they have, but it was all very dutiful for us girls at the time. Some of you understand this. And listen, some of you parents who who are divorced and you have kids, and you're trying to navigate kids and step kids and21:30 all that, it is not easy. There are no magic bullets. We can just tell you how the Lord eventually gets in there and helps, but it is not easy. I'd say the if I was giving anybody encouragement now, like advice now,21:42 if you're a dad or a mom, but if you're like a parent of divorced kids, I think I would say to you dads, I would say, just give your kids attention.21:54 Just show that you care and that you're there and that you see them and you're proud of them and be present the best you can.22:06 And for moms, usually the kids are with you and you've got your hands full. I mean, you're trying to make a living, do laundry, take kids here and there, make sure they're in sports. I mean, it's a lot going on, and22:16 you're also trying to have a life. You're trying to maybe meet somebody to get remarried yourself, and so the kids can feel quite neglected. It's not intentional, but it can happen. So again, I'd say to moms and dads22:28 both, just be as present as you can, and verbally, physically, emotionally, just do your best to be there. I'll share a little bit about the, I think, the a number 1 thing that brings22:40 the most pain in a divorce and what God does to remedy it. I'll talk about that in just a minute. But first, let's look at a couple statistics. These are just some things, you may know these, but just so you get the get22:49 the picture. Marriages formed today have about a 41 to 43 percent chance of ending up in divorce. It's pretty high. Of all the children born to married parents this year, 50 percent will experience the23:01 divorce of their parents before they reach their eighteenth birthday. Approximately 50 percent of American children will witness the breakup of a parent's marriage. Of these, close to half will also see the breakup of23:13 the second marriage. 40 percent of children growing up in America today are being raised without fathers. About 40 percent of children who do not live with their biological father have not seen him during the past23:25 12 months. More than half have never been in his home. 26 percent of those fathers live in a different state than their children. Well, those are pretty big statistics.23:37 And it'd be 1 thing if it's just talking about little kids, but let me just give a little parenthetical thought here. Your kids are still your kids, not when they're just23:49 10 or 11 or 12. If you've got adult kids, married kids, do you know they still need their mom and dad? They need you differently, but they still need their mom and dad. Nobody can say, I'm24:01 proud of you like dad can. Nobody can say, I love you and I care about you like mom. Nobody can say, I understand what you're going through like your parents. And so listen, let me just encourage you. Just because you24:12 may be divorced and your kids may be off doing their thing, you may think, oh, they don't care. They do care. Guaranteed, they care. They care to hear from you.24:23 Thanks for watching today's show. We hope this message helped you to get the basics, live the life, and do the stuff. Be sure to set your DVR so that you never miss an episode. For more of The Basics with Beth Jones or24:34 to watch programs on demand, visit TheBasicsWithBeth. Tv.
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