Skip to content Becoming a Kingdom Husband Oct 14 · 35 min ...more
October 14, 2022 · 35 min · Sex & Marriage
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Dr. Tony Evans is the founder and senior pastor of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship in Dallas, founder and president of The Urban Alternative and author of over 100 books, booklets and Bible studies.
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0:00 What does it mean to be a kingdom husband? Regardless of where you are or where you come from, perhaps you came from a single parent family and you never knew a father growing up, so you never knew what manhood was0:12 supposed to be and how to treat a lady, and you never saw it. So you want you're working at a deficit. Or perhaps you had a male around, he just wasn't a good 1. So0:24 the lessons you learned were bad lessons, not good lessons. But we can't change how you were raised. We can't change the influences you have had in the past. But what we can do is start you from0:36 where you are and see God make you and me into what he wants us to be. This gives you who are single, if you're a man,0:48 something to shoot for in preparation for marriage. It gives you who are single ladies something to look for in marriage. Because the worst thing than being single is1:00 marrying a fool. And so it is absolutely critical that we understand God's blueprint for manhood as it relates to1:11 marriage, that is becoming a kingdom husband. A man was on a plane 1 day, and he had his wedding ring on his right hand. He had his wedding ring on his right hand, not his left hand. He had his wedding ring on his right1:22 hand. The man sitting next to him said, are you married? He said, oh, yes. I'm married. He said, well, you have your wedding ring on the wrong hand. He said, yeah. That's because I married the wrong woman. A1:34 lot of men feel that way. If it wasn't for the woman I married, I'd be better. I'd be stronger. I married wrong. Like Adam, many men say, this woman who you gave1:46 me, God, it's your fault that I'm married to a woman named Eve. And so what men often do is seek to1:58 get out of the relationship when the problem is that the woman is responding to his leadership. And the misery he's living with2:10 is the same misery God is living with with the man. Because he's out of order, she's out of order, he's mad that she's out of order when he refuses to get back in order.2:23 Before God ever created Eve, he created Adam and brought Adam in order underneath God. Because a kingdom man is a man who is operating underneath divine rule. God has2:35 say so in his life. And just as he expects his family to follow him, God expects the male to follow him. When the male follows him, it's much more likely2:46 that the woman and the children will follow him. But if he's out of alignment and they're following him, everybody's going wrong. The Bible says in verse 23 of2:58 Ephesians chapter 5, for the husband is the head of the wife. Now I understand that a lot of ladies don't like that. I understand that perhaps you've been abused by a man, misused by men, you were3:10 raised up with abusive father, you saw your father abusing your mother. There may be a whole lot of reasons why you don't like that verse, but hang with me Because when you see this verse in relationship to what God had3:21 in mind, it's a pretty verse. It's a sweet verse. It's a I got it verse. Okay? He says that the man is the head of a3:33 woman. That brings up what does it mean for a man to be the head? What does it mean to be the head? Jesus says in first Corinthians 11 3, he says, God is3:45 the head of Christ, Christ is the head of every man, and a man is the head of a woman, just like he says in verse 23. What then is headship? Unfortunately,3:57 far too many men misdefine headship, being the boss, being dictator, telling everybody what to do. This is my house. I'm in charge here. Alright? Well, let's get all the rest of the stuff that goes with it.4:09 In the Bible, headship means governing authority. It's like the head of state. The head of state has a governing responsibility that carries with it authority for that4:21 which they are the head over. Joshua says, For me and my house, we will serve the Lord. I'm the head of this house. Me and my house, I'm the head of it. But the4:32 understanding in the Bible is to be the head means you are the 1 who happens to be assigned to be responsible for the well-being of that which you oversee.4:44 So it has to do with governing in a responsible way and exercising the authority that goes with the responsibility to achieve what the government is supposed to4:56 produce, which is in this case, the advancement of God's kingdom. So if you are a man, you are the head of your home for the purpose of advancing God's kingdom through leading your family in5:08 such a way that they are governed in the right way that is to pursue that which advances God's purposes in history and enjoy the process and the challenges5:19 along the way. 1 of the key words that belongs to headship is responsibility. Even if you're not to blame, you're still responsible. Why?5:31 Because husband is not merely a title, it's a position. It's a responsibility. It's a responsibility that you own, provide,5:43 protect, govern, of that is tied in to headship. Now, the question on the floor, if you're gonna be a kingdom husband, if I'm gonna be a kingdom husband,5:54 is how does headship work specifically in relationship to marriage? You are to exercise the responsibility of headship in the6:06 context of love. Let me say that again. You are to exercise headship in responsibility through the context6:18 of love. Verse 25, husbands love your wives. Love. So we need to talk about love. We need to talk about love because6:30 I love chocolate cake. I love ice cream. You know, I love I love, you know, honey nut Cheerios. You know, we we throw the word around without fully6:42 understanding its biblical import and what it means. Because we typically define love in terms of emotion. You know, how I feel about something6:54 or someone. I love you. This is how I feel. And certainly, emotion is a part of love. But let me give you the biblical definition of love. The biblical definition of love7:07 is passionately, righteously, and sacrificially pursuing the well-being of another. The biblical definition of love is passionately, righteously,7:19 in accordance with biblical standards, and sacrificially pursuing the well-being of another. In other words, you can love even when the emotions aren't there.7:32 Because love starts with a decision that sometimes you will emote with, other times you won't emote with, but if you are passionately and righteously and7:43 sacrificially pursuing the well-being of another, you are in fact loving according to God's standard. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten7:55 son. Love was seen in his willingness to sacrifice for our well-being. How is love expressed?8:07 That leads him to 3 principles in these verses that makes a man a kingdom husband. His analogy is8:19 summarized for us in verse 32 of Ephesians 5. This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the8:31 church. He says, the family, in particular marriage, is supposed to mirror Jesus' relationship with his8:43 church. So marriage is not only a relational institution, it is a spiritual and theological institution because the man8:55 is supposed to mirror Jesus, the woman is supposed to mirror the church. So just as Jesus has a relationship to the church and the church has a relationship to Jesus, He9:07 says a man has a relationship with a woman. A woman has a relationship with a man. So what you are doing is mirroring something bigger than you. But if you don't know what you're mirroring, it's possible you're9:19 not mirroring it. He's going to explain how this bigger picture, which is a kingdom picture, is supposed to work. 3 things. He says, the9:30 first thing a man needs to know if he's gonna be a kingdom husband is that he is to be his wife's savior. Verse 25, husbands love your wives just9:42 as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her. You see him speaking in the his her language. What he says to men9:54 is that you and I are supposed to be love our wives just as Christ loved the church. How much did Christ love the church to death? He loved the church10:06 to death. So if you're still alive, you ain't finished loving yet. K? He loved the church. Love came in the shape of a cross. Now, the only10:18 reason you need a savior is because there was a sinner. In other words, we need a savior because we're sinners. Something's wrong with us that we need to be delivered from. So Jesus Christ10:30 became our rescuer. Savior means rescuer. He became our rescuer because we need to be rescued from something. Do you remember the promises you made to that lady? When you first met her, you10:42 were gonna take her out of her pain. You were gonna take her out of the misuse and abuse of other relationships. You're gonna take her out of a a loneliness. You're gonna take her. She may may not even have to work full10:52 time when you get her. You're gonna you're gonna be her rescuer. You're gonna be her deliverer. You remember all that noise you were talking? Well, that noise that we all talk before we got married was11:03 really biblical noise. We just didn't know the implications of it. He says a man is to be his wife's savior just as Jesus is the savior of the world. What11:15 does that mean? That means whatever is wrong with her, you're responsible to be her deliverer from. Not just to complain about, you're11:27 supposed to be her deliverer. Now, I mean, he gonna tell you how to do it in a moment. But whatever is illegitimately wrong with her because you are the head, you are responsible to be her11:39 deliverer. In other words, just as the church responds to Christ, 1 day you heard the gospel, you heard how much Jesus loved you, you you believed in Jesus for your salvation, he forgave you11:51 of your sins, and he became your deliverer, your rescuer. That's what the husband is to be to the wife. He is to be her rescuer, her from those illegitimate forces12:03 that are producing wrong. And that doesn't mean a woman doesn't have a will, can't make her decisions, can't be wrong on her own. We'll talk more about that later. But suffice it to say right now, you have to own that.12:14 You are little Jesus in the house. A man 1 day came to me and said, my wife's crucifying me me. I said, well, you said you wanted to be like Jesus, didn't you? In other words, you can't12:26 be a savior and not carry a cross. You're good. There's no such thing as a crossless savior. He says in verse 25 that he loved the church and gave12:38 himself for it. Now Jesus wasn't all that excited about what he had to go through to save you or me. Remember in the garden, he said, if it's possible, let this cup pass from me.12:50 So I hear many of you saying, if it's possible, get me out of this. Alright? If it's possible, deliver me. Jesus wasn't all that excited about a cross either. But what took him to the13:02 cross on Friday was he didn't lose sight of Sunday. For the joy set before him, he endured the cross. He saw something bigger. He saw something bigger than13:14 what he was going through. When we as men, me, you, us, see that we have the opportunity to be deliverers, all of a sudden, headship is a bigger job and13:26 a bigger responsibility. That's why men who are single, you should not be in all that hurry to get married until you develop responsibility under God so that you know how to13:38 carry out that role and not just jump in that role without being responsible for that role messing up you and anybody else who's following you. So he13:49 says, she is to be the wife's savior. The Bible says, Jacob loved Rachel so much. He worked 14 years for her. 14 years to get her hand in the that's how much14:01 he he in other word, he was willing to to work for it. He was willing to earn it. He had to sacrifice time and energy to demonstrate14:13 his love, not just wrap his love. He had to prove it. Brother had to show up. He had to demonstrate it. Ladies, don't believe14:25 it because it sound good. Believe it because it's demonstrated to be good. Don't believe it because it raps nice. Believe it because there is proof in the pudding14:36 that demonstrate that the love is real and not gonna be here today and desert you tomorrow. He says, a husband is to love his wife like Christ loved the church and14:48 gave himself up for it. You know, in baseball in baseball, the batter sometimes is called upon to lay down a sacrificial bunt. It's a sacrificial bunt. Now,15:00 he's up there and he wants to hit a home run over the fence but the third base coach may may give him a sign and I mean, lay down a sacrificial bunt. I wanted to hit it over the fence, but he says, instead of doing what15:12 I wanna do, let me sacrifice my home run swing and just do a little bunt in order to move the man off of first base to second base or from second base to third base or to third base to home plate. Sacrifice15:24 what I want to move somebody else ahead. That's what a biblical lover does. He lays down a sacrificial bunk. He's willing to forego some of his home run desires in15:36 order to move somebody else from where they are to the next level of life. Oh, now it's getting quiet up in here because that's what god calls kingdom in to be.15:47 That's what the scripture says. By the way, men, the Bible never commands a woman to love her husband. There's never a command in the Bible for a woman to love her husband. It15:59 talks about a woman loving her husband, but never as an imperative, only as an indicative. There is no command. That's because what you need is in your heart, but what he needs is in his head. He doesn't need you16:11 stroking his heart. He does need you stroking his head. So God has a whole another command for women. But he does command a man to love a woman, that is to passionately,16:23 righteously, and sacrificially seek her well-being. In other words, don't just date to marry her, marry to date her. In other words, the hard work you put in to get16:35 her should be kept up to keep her. It's not just a pre thing, it's an after thing. We all fall short. We all fail in this, but God wants to remind her that Jesus doesn't16:47 take off from being a savior. He doesn't say, savior time is over. It's now my time. No. He seats on the right hand of the father. The Bible says, ever making intercession for the16:59 saints. He's a full time savior. He expects you to be a full time lover. That is seeking her well-being in sacrifice.17:11 Secondly, he says, a kingdom husband, because he's reflecting something bigger than himself, Christ in the church, becomes his wife's sanctifier. Verse 26, so17:23 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such17:35 thing, but that she would be holy and blameless. He sanctifies her. Okay? First, God saves us. Jesus saves us.17:47 Then he begins a process of sanctifying us. Sanctification means to set apart as unique or special. Sanctification means to set something or someone apart,17:58 put it in a unique place, and make it special. I've defined it like the dishes in your dining room. They are set apart. They're not in the kitchen with the regular stuff. They got their own room. They're set apart18:10 as unique or special. They're not treated like all the other dishes. Their own room, their own glass cabinet because those dining room dishes are unique or special. So he says, after you18:22 save her because you sacrifice for her, you are to sanctify her or to set her apart as unique or special. Now, the the purpose of sanctification is to18:34 take somebody from where they are and turn them into what they ought to be. That's the whole purpose of sanctification. When you and I got saved, all of our problems didn't disappear. All of our mistakes didn't18:45 disappear. All of our sins didn't disappear. All of our weaknesses didn't disappear. We entered into a process of transformation, and that process of transformation is called sanctification. You18:57 see, guys, when you married your wife, you married her history. Or when you get married, if you're single, you marry that person's history. You marry all the stuff they hid from you while you were19:08 dating. See, you got married and you say, I didn't know you were like this. She always been like that. Ballsy, loud, argumentative, rebellious. She wasn't gonna show you that till you19:20 put a ring up on her finger. Man, you you all shocked and surprised. That was always there. It just wasn't evident like it is now because she didn't have the security of19:32 the ring that she that she has now. You say, well, if I would've known you were like this, I would've never married you. Always been like this. Sister girl, always been like this. The19:44 goal is to see a transformation occur through the influence of love called sanctification. Many men are shocked, like the guy who married the opera19:56 singer. You know? He saw this opera sing prettiest little thing he'd ever seen in his life. This opera singer was a beast. She could sing, and she was prettiest he'd ever seen. He'd never seen anything like this pretty20:06 and could sing sing opera like that. So he had the meeting. He had the meeting. So he arranged a meeting, and he he went out and and met her. They had coffee, had a whirlwind romance. Then they got married on the20:17 honeymoon. First night together. Boy, was he shocked. She took off her wig, revealing a bald head. No hair. Not20:29 not a stitched hair. She unstrapped the wooden leg. Unstrapped the wooden leg. Popped out a glass eye. Took out a glass eye. Put it on the counter.20:41 Took false teeth out of her mouth, top and bottom, put it in glass. He looked at her and said, sing, woman. Sing. I need to remember something from when20:53 I was dating you. You can be really shocked, but the process of sanctification is taking somebody come back with me. It's taking somebody21:05 from where they are and turning them in to what they ought to be, and you must own that. You say, well, what if she's resisting it? What if she's not working with me? What if she's not21:17 cooperating with me? You've gotta own that and say, okay. She's got this flaw, this flaw, this flaw, and this flaw. I take responsibility because your job is to align yourself in such a21:29 way that God helps you with her so that you can have the kind of relationship that God has established marriage to be. It starts with you owning this thing if you're going to be a kingdom21:41 man. Sanctification is that process of transformation. Set apart what God is calling men to do is to sanctify set apart as unique, special, 1 of a21:52 kind. In fact, the reason why many of us are married today is because of how special we treated the lady. In fact, if we would have treated the lady then like we treat them now,22:04 they wouldn't have married us. K? In fact, some of the ladies didn't like us when we first showed up, if the truth be told. He ain't all that. She told her girlfriend. I'm a tell you what she told her girlfriend. He22:16 ain't all that. I don't like him. He's so ugly. You know? I don't like him. But then you started calling, and then you started treating her nice, and you started complimenting her how nice she look,22:28 how sweet she talk, how pretty her eyes are, how you like her walk, how you like her talk, how you like her showing attention, opening the car door, and then she'd like her to get in before you drive off. You know, she22:38 you know, you were doing all this stuff. You were doing all this stuff, and all of a sudden, she began to feel special. And once she began to feel special, she began to emote and relate to22:50 you. So she went from, I don't like him to he alright. She went from he alright to he kinda nice. She went from he kinda nice to I'm in love. Now, look, she shifted. Now, let me give you some good23:02 news, guys. Women were created to respond. See, God is built in response mechanisms. That's all of them extra nerves that women have that men don't have. Those are response mechanisms. So they can respond23:14 for good or for bad, but they got all these other nerves running through their brain that are stitched to respond. And if you work that thing long enough and you work that thing right, you're gonna see23:25 sanctification taking place and transformation taking place because she has been created to respond. That's what the text says. Look down because it says, verse 31, for23:37 this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother. It doesn't say anything about a woman leaving her father and mother. It says a man leaves his father and mother, and he, the man, is joined to his wife. Doesn't say23:48 anything about the wife being joined to the man. It says the man being joined to his wife, but then it says, and then the 2 becomes 1 flesh. The 2 don't become 1 till a man moves. The man has got to move24:00 first. And when she sees the man moving and the man leading and the man owning and the man taking responsibility and the man manning up and the man stepping up and the man treating her as special, she said, oh,24:12 god. I got to take some of this because she was created to respond. Come on, ladies. Could you respond to this? Yes.24:24 Alright. Well, if you clap when he braided those 3 fingers, give a man a give a man a break. He say, he got it. Let him have it. It says,24:36 that he is to sanctify his wife Many marriages have been wedded by the secretary of war, not the justice of peace. It24:47 reminds me of, you know, Winston Churchill and Lady Aston. They hated each other. They were both in the British parliament. Lady Astor looked at Winston Churchill 1 day and said, Winston,24:59 if you were my husband, I put arsenic in your tea. Winston said, lady Astor, if you were my wife, I drink it.25:13 She came back another time. Winston Churchill was drunk. She said, Winston, you're an old drunk. You say, Asta, lady Asta,25:25 you ugly. But at least I'll be sober tomorrow. That's not25:36 sanctification. Do you know Jesus loves us when we're at our worst? Yes. Do you know he still loves us when our do you know let me tell you something. Do25:48 you know Jesus is never gonna divorce you? It's called eternal security. He's never gonna divorce you because he loves you because he loves you26:01 even when you don't return the favor. So there must be a decision by men to own this thing and to become the leader at home,26:13 the sanctifying leader that God has called you to be. Finally, you're to be your wife's satisfier. Verse 28. He says,26:25 so husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no 1 ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it, just as Christ also26:36 does the church. Okay? Christ also the church. See, this is not just about you and her, it's about Christ and the church. So your job is to make Christ look good, her job is to make the church look good, so that there's26:47 a mini model of that relationship on in the house where you live. Now, know most people don't don't even have this as a point of reference. They didn't weren't taught this or was so vague that they were not encouraged in26:58 it or held accountable to it. But until we do, we're gonna keep having the divorces, we're gonna keep having World War 3 living in the home, because everybody's out of alignment. The man's out of alignment with God, the27:08 woman is out of alignment with the husband, the children out of alignment with the parents, and so you got hell in the home. But if men, it starts with the man, gets in alignment, Adam, where are you? Not Adam and Eve,27:19 where are y'all? Then he is taking ownership. The husband is to be the wife's satisfier. Do you know Jesus takes responsibilities responsibility for meeting our27:31 needs? You meet the need. If it's a legitimate need, and you have the capacity to meet it, you meet the27:42 need. That means you're willing to find out what the need is. Now I know ladies love to talk. Love to talk. I mean, ladies27:54 wanna talk. They wanna conversate. I mean, you know, they have happy hour, you know, when you are unsaved, I hope, and you went to happy hour. You know why they call it happy? Because you're not happy at work all day,28:06 you're not gonna be happy when you go home, so they give you a stop off place where you can be happy between the 2. Okay? A lot of go a lot of guys delay going home because they don't wanna talk. Okay?28:18 But ladies like to talk. You know, 1 of their love love languages. So and and they wanna talk and they wanna talk, and they don't want you to give them a solution, at least not on the front end because they wanna emote28:29 it. They wanna they wanna they wanna get it out. They want you so you guys sit there and listen, and better not look at your wife. You can't you can't even sneak it and do that. K? Because that means you're not paying28:40 attention. And I know by experience, I you ain't paying attention. You try to sneak you try to sneak you you try to sneak a peek. You know? You know,28:52 the game coming on, the football game coming, the baseball game coming on, and they didn't wanna talk at the wrong time. You know, the game is on the line. It could go either way. Can we29:03 talk? Sometimes your kingdom man just disappears. He's talking about meeting the need.29:15 First Peter 3 7. First Peter 3 7 says, dwell with your wives in an understanding way. You gotta understand the need in order to meet it. So if you don't want her29:27 interrupting your time, then you better pick a time that works for her so that you're not missing all time. To meet the need, he says a man is to meet the need.29:39 Nourish and cherish. Nourish means to feed in order to mature. Cherish was used of a bird sitting to warm an egg and spreading its feathers. It had to do with29:51 comfort and meeting the need. He says dwell with your wife. Dwell doesn't mean just live in a house. It means to make yourself at home. It means to own the responsibility of30:02 understanding, taking the time to get it, understand it, and address it. You know, you ever go into a restaurant30:14 and the waiter is taking a long time to show up? You know? You said, where's the waiter? Or they show up and and and they get you your drink, but then they take a long time to come back to find out what you wanna order30:26 with your meal. You know? And that's frustrating to sit there with a long time and they and may not come in to find out what you need, what you need to eat. They're not coming to meet that need that you had because30:37 you're hungry. That's why you're there. But they're not they they they're not meeting that need. But then after it's all over, you've been there this inordinate amount of time, they still want 15 percent. They still30:49 want 20 percent. No 1 they want a big tip for poor service. Well, a lot of men want a big tip at night for poor service all day long.31:01 You know, they want that 15 or 20 percent in the evening when they ain't showing up all day. Well, if you give better service during the day, you may get a bigger tip in the evening.31:16 Moving right along. He says, he says, become your wife's satisfier. Yes. To nourish and cherish. That is31:28 to meet the need. Don't expect a summer wife if you bring home winter weather. You are the thermostat. She is the thermometer. You're supposed to set the temperature.31:39 She's supposed to let you know what it's reading. So if you come home with cold weather, don't don't be surprised. It's cold up in here. But if you make it a hot place to live,31:51 then you will see the warmth of the home being manifested. You ought to leave. Yes, she has a responsibility. We're gonna talk about that responsibility, but you set the pace for32:03 the home. You say, well, I married the wrong woman. I'm convinced of it. Well, if you begin treating the wrong woman like the right woman, you might discover she becomes the32:15 right woman. There was this man this time. It's a it's it's this guy. He was he had 2 daughters. 1 was extraordinarily32:27 beautiful, and 1 was extremely homely. K? Really. 1 was just just a knockout, a brick house. Mighty, mighty.32:42 The other one's just real homely. So this is back years ago when they used to give animals for the father to accept as a dowry to take the daughter. He32:54 found out that this rich guy was gonna give him 10 cows for 1 of his daughter. That was a lot of money for the milk and the meat and all that. 10 cows for 1 of my daughters? Well, he knew which daughter the the guy was33:06 gonna take because he had 1 extremely beautiful daughter and 1 extremely homely daughter. So the day came, he presented his 2 daughters. The man brought the 10 cows. He brought the 10 cows out, and he33:18 says, okay, here are my 2 daughters. To his shock, he picked the homely daughter. He was just shocked, because the beautiful daughter was shocked too. The homely daughter was shocked. Everybody was shocked. He gave he33:29 gave 10 cows to the homely daughter, to the father for the homely daughter. Took her away. A year later, the father went to visit the man who had given him the33:41 10 cows for his homely daughter. When she came out, she was the prettiest thing he had ever seen in his life. She was even33:53 prettier than the knockout than the brick house. He couldn't believe it. Woah. How did you get so34:04 beautiful? The daughter said, when I saw that he viewed me as worth34:16 10 cows, I said, I'm a start looking like a 10 cow woman. In other words, I'm a reflect the value34:28 he's placed on me. So maybe if your woman is homely, you haven't brought enough cows. You haven't brought enough to the table. And if you increase34:40 your cow portion, maybe she gonna change how she does her hair and the kind of things she wears and the kind of talk she talks and the kind of walk she walks and the34:52 kind of communication she gives because you just changed her value and she wants to look like, sound like, act like, walk like, talk like, the value you have placed on her35:04 because you have become a kingdom man, and you got it.
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