Skip to content Create Your Forever Family: The Joys of Adoption and Foster Care with Ryan and Kayla North Oct 9 · 25 min ...more
Create Your Forever Family: The Joys of Adoption and Foster Care with Ryan and Kayla North
October 9, 2026 · 25 min
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The Call to Care for Orphans and Foster Children 0:04 The way I think about foster care parenting is that it is the, it is a real tangible way to love your neighbor the way you love yourself because you're taking care of your neighbor's child0:16 for the period of time that they're unable to take care of their child.0:25 Whenever we bring up this topic, people start to back up, because you know what? It pressures you to think about what you're doing, and I want to challenge folks. Jean, my wife, challenged me.0:37 I remember when I was here talking about doing foster care and getting people engaged with the foster area, you don't have to do foster care, but you can wrap around a family. It's called respite0:49 care and do something to help that family. I remember I got home and Jean said to me, you know, if you're gonna ask people to do it, we should probably do it. And I said and I said, no. I said, I I1:01 already did. I was the foster kid. Yeah. I paid my dues. And she said, yeah, that's not gonna cut it. Isn't that awesome? So I mean, we got licensed. We had lots of foster kids come through our home, and we're still1:12 connected to some of them and engaged as kind of grandparents now. And it's been great. But let me just challenge you to think about what the Lord has said. You know, you want pure religion1:24 according to the book of James? Then take care of the widow and the orphan. And that the foster system is full of orphans, and we need to step up as the Christian community. Welcome to both of you.1:36 Thank you.1:36 Thank you so much.1:37 It's great to be here. Great to have you. Now it's... So it is kind of funny that we think like that, the way I describe Jean's challenge to me. Mhmm. But it... You know, somebody else will take care of that. Why do we1:47 need to think about it, right? Yeah. Isn't that what we often do?1:49 Well, that's often what we do. And then... And even a more micro level, in families, it's often mom driven. I remember the 1st time we we taught a parenting class, live, and and I asked2:01 everybody why were you here. And every single mom did some version of, I wanna reach my child's heart. I wanna help them. She cried. And 9 out of the 10 dads went and I said, well, why are you here, so?2:13 And she said I had to come.2:16 You know, and that, gosh, when you look at it, that shows a basic difference between genders. It's so funny that I hadn't thought about that, but that nurturing aspect of a woman. It comes far more naturally. Nurturing2:25 aspect of a woman, it comes far more naturally to you than it does to us men.2:30 Oh, yeah.2:31 But it's like where the scripture says, hey, you need to pay attention to these things. And the Lord himself said, you know, if you really wanna touch my heart, help a child who doesn't have a parent.2:43 Right?2:43 Yeah.2:44 And, I think it's beautiful. So let let's hit that question right out of the gate, Ryan. I mean, for the men who are going, yeah, maybe let's put that in the prayer box for the next 6 months or a2:56 year. I mean, it... It's just honest,2:57 and I'm2:58 just kinda there too. I don't... You know, I got a busy schedule. I could list all the reasons why we didn't have time to do this. But tell me why men should lean into this and should be that stabilizing figure.3:09 K. So 2 responses to that. Number number 1, I think we we talk a lot about leadership in the home, and I think that that we... There's a lot of stepping up that needs to be done. We we... I work with a lot of3:21 dads and really encourage them, you have to step into that leadership role that the Lord called you to. And part of that is going, yes, I hear that. That's a good idea. We're gonna do it instead of kicking it down3:33 the road like you suggested. And the other reason I think that societies that are the most prosperous are ones that are based on Christian ideals. This idea that that we voluntarily self sacrifice3:45 for the benefit of others. When you look throughout the world, those societies tend to flourish more than than others. And so it's not just helping the child, but I think on a macro scale, it helps society3:57 be a better place as well.3:58 Let me ask both of you. You you seem to have this passion even in your courtship when you, you know, were just thinking about getting married, and it's not the normal thing a couple would talk about, you know? Honey, I4:10 can't wait to go to Hawaii with you. That's kind of the normal thing you're talking about, but why was it such a passion for you to talk about foster, foster care, foster engagement?4:20 Yeah. Well... And I... Initially, foster care scared me, to be honest. Good. I I... Yeah. That's true. That is good. It it scared me a lot because I I4:32 would say, well, I I love them too much. I... It'll be too hard if they leave. You know, I can't do that, but I thought adoption would be a good safe avenue is kinda what I thought. Adoption will be safe. It'll4:44 be, the place we can we can kind of bring in some kids. We can help them. We kinda had a little bit of a... I think we went into it with a little bit of a rescue mentality. I saw that growing4:56 up. He saw, you know, from his family, he's got a, you know.4:59 My my dad was raised by his aunt and uncle when he was 3. He was handed over by his parents. And I didn't know this until we told him that we were gonna adopt, but he remembers his dad5:11 saying, you can have him. We don't want5:14 him. He remembers hearing that. He told5:16 me that the day we told him that that we had decided to adopt. And and and just that those 3 seconds put my dad into perspective for me. Yeah. Because he carried that... He's carried that his whole life.5:28 You know, people listening and viewing us on YouTube, they're they're hearing this and going, well, it's almost like you guys were crafted for this, your dad's experience, your heart, Kayla. But that's not required. I5:39 mean, what it requires is a heart for children. Yeah. I mean, that's the prerequisite in wanting to love these kids into a healthier place.5:47 Yeah. Well, and stepping aside of your... Out of your comfort zone. Right? When...5:52 That's the hardest part. That's hard. Especially in the US. Yeah.5:56 Because the whole thing's the whole world's set up for your your your comfort. Like when's the last time you say outside of a sporting event, you watched anything live on television?6:05 Correct.6:05 I mean, it's just all on demand now. I listen to the songs I want to on the plane ride home tonight. I watch the shows I downloaded. And so... And you6:13 have your food delivered by DoorDash. Right.6:15 I'm sorry. Exactly what you need.6:16 Thankfully, I've never done that. I can't understand that.6:19 Yeah. But so so people who view the world like that have to go, oh, yeah. This might inconvenience us. This this might bump us all up.6:27 Even even in the setup as we talked, I mean, that's 1 of the things that I carry a heavy weight for because if we were literate with scripture, if we knew what the Holy Spirit6:39 was pushing us toward, we really shouldn't have a gap with foster care in the US. That's interesting6:45 that you said that because we were kinda talking about that last night in the hotel room, in that if we truly lived what the Bible said. Yeah. The world and and being scripturally literate is the prerequisite to that.6:56 Right? The way I think about foster care parenting is that it is the, it is a real tangible way to love your neighbor the way you love yourself because you're taking care of your7:08 neighbor's child for the period of time that they're unable to take care of their child. Yeah. And if you view it like that, then reunification doesn't become scary. Your feelings don't become important. And and likeOvercoming Fear and the Comfort Culture 7:20 the story, right, it it cost it cost the good Samaritan something. It inconvenienced him. He went out of his way and he paid for the person's recovery. And so you have to realize that it... Part of loving your neighbor7:31 is gonna inconvenience you, and you just have to decide that you're okay with it.7:35 Yeah. But again, that's the part that's so hard for a modern culture7:39 Yeah.7:39 Because it is built around comfort. And that would be 1 of the challenges for the listener, for the viewer. I mean, I was there. I got it. I got home that night and said, okay, I did my part. I washed my hands of it. I7:50 told people to get into that. I told people7:52 to do it. And then7:53 my wife hit me with a 2 by 4 saying we should be doing this too. And it was so right. And, you know, like you said, it... You end up with more than what is taken.8:06 Oh, for sure.8:06 Oh, it's certainly that the Lord refined us through foster care. No doubt.8:09 Now we've said that, so let's set that picture up a little bit.8:12 Okay. Yeah.8:13 It isn't necessarily gonna be easy. I mean that's... And you, in fact, you talked about the idea, and I think for us as Christians, particularly Christian parents, you know we like to go by the8:25 rules. We like standards. Here's the bar, and we expect you to hit it every day. You could pretty much throw that out the window when you're in foster care because these kids are coming in. They're broken emotionally.8:36 They've had trauma. They've had a breakup of family. There's often drug addiction for the parents involved. All the things that are going on, and we can't expect those kids to come in and8:47 behave either like our children or like a perfect picture kind of thing. So Ryan, you talk about that in the book. Describe what you need to do if you are a8:59 parent that is black and white, that maybe struggles with a bit of grace, sees things maybe a little legalistically, but what9:07 do you gotta do? You know, we talk about a lot of times, and you mentioned it in the open James 1 27. And for for the longest times... Longest time, there were a lot of ministries9:19 that had a name plus 1 27 at the end. And and my favorite and I think the most important part of that verse is what is an orphan's in their distress. I think the word in9:31 is is a pivotal word in that.9:33 2 letters.9:33 Yeah. Because some... Because for a lot of a long time, and it's different now than it used to be because, you know, when we started 20 years ago or whatever. Right? But there was certainly this idea that if we could9:42 just change the child's address, whether that be a different address in your town or a different address in a different country, then everything's gonna be just fine because we have taken them out of their problems.9:53 Well, the problem with that mentality is it creates this expectation of a high level of gratitude Mhmm. Which becomes very frustrating when you're not the recipient of said gratitude. Yeah. But I10:04 think it pivots on the word in, and so there's a story in the book. I'll I'll I'll do the brief version of it. A friend of ours is in a car accident and, because Hollywood, California exists, you think that every time10:16 you're in a car accident, the car is gonna explode. And so he's panicking because he can smell the fuel, but he's trapped. And so the paramedics arrive and 1 of the firefighters, climbs in through the window on the other10:28 side and sits in the car with him, gets his attention and tells him, look, you're gonna be fine. And I know you don't trust me, but you're gonna be fine, and I'm gonna stay with you till we're both out of the car. So10:40 if if if we died... If you die today, I'm dying with you.10:43 Wow. But I10:43 will not leave your side until we're both out of this car.10:47 What heroic.10:48 Yeah. And my and my friend said to me that that... He said this this calm just washed right over him as this man said to him. And that had the jaws of life to get him out of the car and stuff and got him out of the car10:59 and and he was just fine. I remember him telling that story. He actually he actually preached 1 Sunday and he told that story during his sermon. And I remember thinking, that's the key to foster care. You you have to see11:08 the car. You have to recognize that there's a car accident, and you have to be okay climbing into the car because climbing into the car is the 1st step. Getting us out of the car, that takes time. Yeah. And so, yeah,11:20 we have to climb into the distress.11:22 But in what you're saying there is to climb into the chaos. Yes, sir. Yeah. And it's chaos. You know, you don't know what the next 2nd is gonna bring, and that is sometimes a fair description of the foster activity.11:34 Yeah.11:34 Right?11:35 For sure.11:36 Kayla, I I so appreciate your mom's heart, and Jean had the same mama's heart to wanna help these kids. Yeah. But I also11:48 recognize 1 of the things she struggled with, you've struggled with, and that is you come up short because this well these these kids have, that emotional well11:58 Oh, yeah.11:58 Nobody can fill. It's, like, just incremental reaffirming that we're here for you. We're gonna be here for you. We love you. We care about you. And it... It's like you put 3 gallons in and12:10 the kids take 2 gallons out. But for a mom, you feel guilty.12:15 Yeah.12:15 Like, you're not making up ground that you need to make up. How did you process that in terms of your sense of failure? Yeah. And I think you had a story in the book, Ryan, where you walked up and you were crying12:27 Oh, yeah.12:28 Outside the door of a bedroom.12:29 Well, I always... I kinda describe it as, like, you... You're pouring into a colander, not into a cup. You know, people say, you're gonna fill the cup. I mean, it's a colander. It's constantly... You're constantly having12:40 to refill. Yeah. It's leaking out. But, yeah, I mean, there was a there was a moment. So we, we brought home our oldest daughter, and she was just a tiny baby. And we did a lot of, like,12:51 managing, you know, schedules and feeding and all of that. And then we brought home our son, and he was almost 4. And he had memories, and he had... You know, he he could tell you the things that13:03 he'd been through. And he he knew the people that he was missing and he wasn't seeing. And and and he had some behaviors that were bizarre, that were, you know, what... What's going on? This isn't making sense to13:15 me. I had nannied all through college. I had babysat as a kid, you know, did all the thing. I was really good with kids.13:23 Yeah.13:23 And so here I had this expectation that I'm gonna be great as a mom. Like, I'm gonna know exactly what to do. I'm gonna know exactly how to handle this. And so when I was... Came up against behaviors I didn't know13:35 what to do with and and things that were that were like, this doesn't make sense and I don't know what to do, it really tugged on something inside me that was like, uh-oh. Maybe you're not good enough. You know?13:47 Well, that... That's exactly...13:48 And that was... Yeah. And that was where I had to kind of go back... Kind of unpack, like, where did that that come from? Like, what was it? Where was a point earlier in my life where I I didn't feel like I was good14:00 enough, and why is this tugging on that? Why is this making me feel like, oh my gosh, you're not a good mom. You you won't be a good... I mean, I had a 4 year old and an 18 month old, You know? It was like, I should be14:11 able to parent these kids, and that was kinda what I thought. And so, you know... And he he had no expectation. He's like, I don't know what to do with kids. You know? So...14:20 It's a good14:21 place to start. I like that.14:23 I think it was14:23 a good place to start because no expectations. Well, then I didn't feel like I was a failure. Yeah. You you... That's what men do.14:31 Well, and I... It's a14:31 coping mechanism.14:33 I was failing him too because I was like, he's looking to me. Like, you know what to do with kids, and here you don't know what to do. Oh, no.14:39 Well, I I think, though, we talk about that as as a failure moment, but I think it's it's a huge moment because we didn't ask for help before that moment. And,14:52 you know, that's kind of was... The the low point of that story is actually the high point of the story because we didn't know we didn't know we needed help until she was crying outside the room that night.15:03 Right. And I think that's that illustrates exactly what the experience is like. We were very similar. We thought we... I mean, look, we've got experts every day talking to me. So I thought, we're15:14 perfectly capable of this, and then you get into it and you're going, uh-oh. I'm out of my depth. Mhmm. And I think you just need to go in knowing that. Yep. But, again, the benefits are incredible.Climbing Into the Distress With Grace 15:25 Yeah. And, Jim, as you know, we didn't do foster care, but in the adoption experience that we've had, the trauma was significant. And you're just going back to that sense of failure. The importance of community and15:36 people helping out is so critical because it's not a 1 time, I feel like a failure. It's an ongoing time because these children are... They have to express and process that trauma, and many15:48 times, they don't want to. Just throw it away, and I'm gonna do my thing. So, practically, you need a a group of people around you. What can they do to help, somebody who's in the space of15:59 helping a foster child or raising an adopted child from trauma?16:04 There's so many things that you can do that, you know, people think, well, I have to foster or have to adopt in order to help these kids. But the reality is if you can just support the family because it's16:16 hard. I mean, it's... You know, the 1st day you bring home a new placement, you're trying to get to know this kid. You gotta you gotta know what they like, what they don't like. You've gotta figure out what makes them16:27 explode, what calms them down. You're doing all these things. And so, you know, when we have people show up with food, you know, it was like Yeah. Let me just drop off some snack food because now you, you know, you have16:38 3 kids and now you have 5. So let me just drop off some of16:42 these for you. Friend who went to Costco and she just rang the doorbell and went and climbed her car and there was a couple of boxes of of easy prep Costco.16:49 Easy move. Yeah.16:50 I I16:50 will tell you though, the 1 that's kinda solidified it that this for me is we had a pretty difficult placement. And I got home from work 1 day, and I walked in, and there was this woman standing at our kitchen table17:01 folding our laundry. And I walked around, and Kayla was sitting at the other end. Her hair was wet. She just got out the shower and and was drinking a cup of coffee while her friend folded the laundry. The reason I'll17:13 never forget it is because she was folding some of my underwear when I walked in.17:16 Yeah. That's a little uncomfortable.17:17 And I looked at it and and my inner monologue went, you can either be embarrassed and feel uncomfortable that some... 1 of your wife's friends is folding your underwear, or you can thank the Lord that you have somebody17:29 who'll come over to your house and fold your underwear for you. Yeah. Boy, that's true. And we chose the 2nd 1. And that's... It it it doesn't have to be the big things. Come over and say, I'll do a load load of laundry17:39 while you just sit and do nothing. Yeah. Yeah. It's so good....17:41 Grace and kindness.17:42 Yeah. A little extra grace and kindness.17:44 Yeah. A key thing there, I mean, this has been studied, and there is an optimum number of friends who could help. If you have 5 families wrap around a foster family or a foster adoptive17:55 family, that eases the pain, and that's doing some shopping, doing some laundry for them, maybe house cleaning, just to get a little relief. But that is the magic number, and, you know, that's 1 of the keys there.18:07 You know, I also wanna talk to... At least my experience there is talking about trauma. I remember 1 of the boys we had, very young child at the time, probably 3 or 4, stuttered terribly when he 1st got to the18:19 home. And, he had food insecurities, and it manifested as food hoarding. So we'd come down, and for, like, a month, this was the routine. I'd come down, and he'd say, mister Jim, can I have a bowl of cereal? Oh,Processing Feelings of Failure and the Need for Community 18:31 yeah. Mister Jim, can I have some toast? Of course. Mister Jim, can I have pancakes? Oh, yeah. Let's make those. I whip them up, and I just... I wanted to say yes. Yep. And it lasted about 3 weeks,18:43 and we did this routine, not every day, but many days. And then 1 day he just woke up and said, can I have a bowl of cereal? And I said, sure. And I was waiting. Getting my18:55 chef's hat on. Getting the batter going, and that was it. And of course he never ate all the other stuff,19:01 Right.19:01 But I never mentioned it. He didn't mention it. It was just like... And his stutter went away at the same time. Yeah. So you never know what is going on in a little child's heart about not having enough19:13 food.19:13 Oh, yeah. We had a little girl that... She's almost 5 and she was placed with us. And, we had a babysitter. So when we both were working at the time... And so the babysitter lived 5 houses down from us and would cook19:24 breakfast for the kids, breakfast for the kids, would do, you know, lunch for them. It was all part of what we paid her, right, was breakfast. And so we would get our other kids up who were going19:36 to school, and we would feed them breakfast, and then we would wake her up just in time to go down to the babysitter. Well, 1 morning, she woke up and a couple of the kids were still eating breakfast, and19:48 she flipped out. I mean, just threw herself on the ground. Why don't I have anything? And and and the 1st day I tried to reason with her because I was like, you're going to miss Bethany's house.20:00 Miss Bethany's gonna feed you breakfast. This morning, I look at the menu. I'm like, it's pancakes and bacon and and and it's nothing is helping. And I reached into the pantry and I got her, like, a little breakfast20:12 bar. And I said, here, sweetheart. Here's a breakfast bar and a banana. And she was like, okay. And she care... And I said, now miss Bethany's got breakfast for you. So if you wanna wait wait and see what she's got, you20:23 might like it better. And so she put it in her hand. We walked the 5 houses down to the babysitter, and we got there, and she stuffed it in her backpack, and she ate the breakfast that Yeah. The babysitter had.20:34 Yeah.20:34 And every morning, she would... That same... I would take it out of her. When she'd get home, I'd take it out of her backpack. The next morning, I'd give her the same banana, the same, you know, breakfast bar. And she20:45 never ate it, but she needed to have it with her. She needed to have that security of having that food and knowing because she didn't trust me when I said, you're gonna get breakfast.20:54 Well, and maybe that's the right place to end, which is 1 of the benefits of what we do in the foster area is building the hope and the trust in that child's heart.21:05 Yeah.21:06 Expand on that. I mean, that's been 1 of your goals. Right?21:09 So I was thinking about your story about the, the multiple breakfast items. Yeah. And most parents we've worked with over the last decade plus would not have given the21:21 3 breakfasts. Yeah. Because because that's a battle that they're willing to fight. But but if you can just go, okay. Not every hill is 1 to die on. Correct. K. Let's let's let's have that be the governing premise21:32 here. And rather help to see this as your opportunity to help the child rather than rather than getting the child to conform to the rules of your home necessarily. Because sometimes I think the mindsetBuilding Trust and Hope in Traumatized Children 21:44 is, well, these children come from chaos because we use that word a lot. What they need is insane amounts of structure. Yeah. And and so we tend to dial the nurture down because they21:56 need the boundaries, and that's a mistake. As you've already learned Oh, yeah. Because when you because when you kept the nurture high, a lot of positive things happened for that young man. And so...22:05 Right. The insecurities22:06 go away. The insecurities go away because because he learns that you can be trusted. Right.22:10 That's exactly right.22:10 And then that's the deficit you have to make up. His world view when it comes to your house is adults hurt kids, adults can't be trusted, and you need to change that.22:20 Well, you guys, congratulations. Job well done. Keep moving forward. Thank you. It's great, and I appreciate you expressing these things for the audience. And, you know, who knows, we may have a22:32 dozen people that are motivated to check it out. I hope many more are. But, boy, if you're in a place and now you're feeling the Lord say, yeah. It's great to hear it, Jim, but you22:43 gotta do it. Now it's on you. And I think, you know, I think it's a good thing. It's tough. It's not easy, but the rewards are eternal.22:55 Yeah. Yeah. Learn more about how you can get involved either wrapping around a family or, do a deep dive into our wait no more program. Specifically, let me point out, Jim, this wonderful23:06 suitcase bundle that the team does. It is a terrific way, such a tangible way to express help to a child who oftentimes gets kinda ripped out of the family environment23:18 because it's so corrosive and potentially harming to them. They literally walk out with their stuff in a bag, a grocery sack or a trash bag, and this is a wonderful program to offer that child23:30 hope and dignity. There's a suitcase that they're given, a Bible, and also a stuffed animal. All of it is theirs. 123:38 hand note.23:39 Yeah. A handwritten note.23:40 Handwritten note. Yeah. Yeah. And if you'd like to help in that way, let's do it together. Let's get them out. We work with churches and other organizations and community to put those together. It's just a fun23:52 way and a good way of, showing love to these children.23:56 Yeah. Make a 100 dollar contribution today. Help us reach more children with our suitcase bundles. Get engaged. Learn more about Wait No More and, maybe take a step forward in24:08 your growth as a follower of Christ. It's all gonna start when you stop by the link in the description below or call 1 800 the letter a and the word family. Thanks for24:20 joining us for focus on the family with Jim Dailey. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family24:30 thrive24:33 in24:36 Christ.In this video 0:00 The Call to Care for Orphans and Foster Children7:20 Overcoming Fear and the Comfort Culture15:20 Climbing Into the Distress With Grace18:27 Processing Feelings of Failure and the Need for Community21:33 Building Trust and Hope in Traumatized Children
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