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Habits For A Happy Marriage Part 1 | Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage
November 24, 2025 · 54 min
Want some practical habits for happiness in your marriage? On today’s episode, learn about the importance of meeting each other's expectations and the power of daily habits like hugs and eye-contact.
Series Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage with Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley Support this leader Liking this video? Support this ministry.
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The Power of Expressed Expectations in Marriage 0:00 Unexpressed expectations hurt marriages. And I would say when Jenny's disappointed in me or I'm disappointed in her0:06 It's hard to imagine. It's confusing.0:09 But Now we're human. Yeah.0:11 It does happen.0:12 Yeah. But it it's it's almost always an unexpressed expectations. Mhmm. You know, I think why why didn't she do this? And then I no, Randy. You need to look in the mirror. You forgot to let Jenny know what you were0:23 expecting.0:31 Welcome to Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage. I'm doctor Greg Smalley.0:34 And I'm Erin Smalley. I'm so excited about today's show because we have someone here who's gonna share just such practical ways to encourage you in your marriage.0:45 Yeah. And these are really things that anyone can do.0:49 Mhmm.0:49 So if you feel like maybe your marriage has stalled out, you guys have drifted apart, I'm telling you keep listening. Well, our guest today is doctor Randy Schroeder. He's a licensed1:01 marriage and family therapist, a pastor, and has a lifetime of expertise in marriage, both personally and professionally. He's been counseling for over 3 decades, and he and1:13 his wife, Ginny, have been married for over 50 years. So this is someone that you really want to hear. Well, we started the conversation by discussing how to grade our1:25 marriage.1:26 Ew.1:28 I would rate our marriage 0 to 10 at a at an 8.9.1:35 Well, I I actually always suggest that the best a marriage can be is an a minus. So so you're right there. Yeah.1:41 There is1:41 there is no a or a plus marriage. I mean, you guys are experts. I'm an expert on marriage, and yet, we're imperfect flawed centers, and there there are there's not an or are not a or a plus marriage.1:53 So a minus We're doing good. You guys are right there. That's the best that's the best1:57 He was a professor. He's rounding that up to an a minus. Mhmm. Well2:02 I'll ask you later on what I can do to raise it, though, because you know me. I like to be an a plus student.2:08 I just I just wish you would hold me more. You just you know, I just Maybe deep, both2:13 cuddles, intimacy.2:15 Just hold me. Okay. You know? Okay. You just always wanna be intimate. I just sometimes wanna just be held. Right?2:22 That touch is important. That touch is important.2:24 That was that was good.2:26 So you you've sat with many couples. It's obvious. You weren't even rattled in the least bit.2:31 Not well, I I've counseled, over 2000 couples. So yeah.2:35 Which is good. Because see that that's my expectation. A lot of couples, you know, premarital, we talk about all these expectations, try to help them understand those. What about for a2:47 couple who've been married? Let's say, 7, 8 years. How do they continue kinda expressing expectations, dealing with expectations?2:57 The the big e, expectations is what marriage is all about. Because when couples3:02 small e, by the way, expectations.3:05 A small e?3:06 See? Small e instead of big e.3:09 Oh, small e. Oh.3:10 You just you walked me right into that. I'm slow, Greg.3:14 I'm slow.3:15 We are higher altitude and3:17 fairness here in Colorado. For you. That's what happened. Yeah. Yeah. When when couples meet each other's expectations, they have connection and bonding. And when they don't meet each other's expectations, then they have3:29 that gap, a heartache and heartburn. And so, what happens before marriage is couples are meeting each other's expectations over and over and over. And they say, hey, this feels good. Let's get married. And3:40 then after marriage, they forget the importance of overcoming complacency, stop meeting each other's expectations, and they need to make those expectations known.3:52 And and I would say that the struggle that couples have are unexpressed expectations. They're not let's letting each other know what they expect, and they think4:04 their spouse should, just kinda mind read and figure out once4:08 and hear that. Yeah. Just know. Married all these years. Yeah. You know this.4:13 And and so it's just absolutely essential that they let each other know what they're expecting of 1 another in all areas of marriage.4:22 Is it typical that someone's gonna, you know, know what their own expectations are? So how how does it start for for the individual to become aware so that they can then4:33 express them4:34 That that is you're talking. Such a great question, Greg, because4:38 It was an Aaron Judge took it.4:39 That was it. Yeah. You you can read her mind. Right.4:43 Yes. Yeah.4:45 The I I will ask couples, in 1 of the first counseling sessions to write down their top 10 expectations for a healthy Christian marriage. And what you just asked, Greg, is4:56 couples often struggle. Now the other thing they they do is they put expectations down generally rather than specific. You know? So couples have put5:08 down often 1 of their top 10 go to church. Well Okay. Does that mean once a week or once a month, every other week, Christmas and Easter? Together. Yeah. Together, what churches are5:20 we gonna go to? You know, what service do you wanna go to? You wanna go to an early service, late service? And so it's very important with those 10 to, to be specific. And it amazes5:32 me when they identify, their top 10 expectations, and I'll discuss them in counseling with them. Or if, if their marriage is not too troubled, I, encourage them5:44 to discuss those expectations at home. And it just makes a positive difference in their relationship.5:49 Yeah. What what are some of the big ones, those big expectations that a lot of couples have, whether they are aware of them or not?5:58 Well, I would say big ones are affection. And, again, being specific, you know, a a lengthy hug, meaningful kiss. It's important to,6:10 request expectations daily. 1 of the expectations that, you know, if after I see their list, if there's it's not on their list, couples need to,6:22 praise each other. And that happens with the word appreciate. Say it's good to for you guys to say to each other, thank you, Aaron. Thank you, Greg.6:29 Yeah.6:30 But it's even more beneficial to say, I appreciate this about you, Aaron. I appreciate this about you, Greg. That just kinda lifts a marriage up, lifts a spouse up, and I encourage couples to6:42 compliment each other daily. And so, that's another really big 1. And I believe there are 7 major areas in a marriage relationship. And6:54 that I look at all 7 major areas in my 3 time national award winning book, Simple Habits for Marital Happiness. So there's top 10 financial expectations, communication7:06 expectations, specific guidelines, apologizing, forgiving. Mhmm. The reason the 3 of us go to heaven is the forgiveness we have in Jesus Christ. The forgiveness is the glue7:18 for a Christian marriage.7:19 Mhmm.7:20 And couples don't understand how to apologize and how to forgive each other and what forgiveness means. And so those are just some of the top 10 that if they don't put them down, I'll let, you know, add7:31 those and then we'll talk about them.7:33 So as couples become aware so let's act like we're in your counseling office and a couple comes in and they have their 10 marriage expectations written out, then what? What do you do with that, and how does7:45 it help them to identify what these expectations are?7:49 We we, begin with usually the wife's expectation first. And I and I don't ask them to prioritize. Mhmm. But I'll ask the wife, what is 1 of your expectations? And then she'll she'll8:01 share it. And then we discuss it to make sure that they can compromise, the husband can meet that expectation. And then after we come to an agreement there, me nurturing and guiding them, then8:13 I'll ask the husband's expectation or 1 of them, and then we'll discuss his. And we just kinda go back and forth, discussing all 20 of the expectations. And sometimes there are,8:26 you know, similar expectations. And so we discuss those and, and then they're in agreement. And they know how to make that emotional connection by meeting each other's expectation. They don't have8:38 to guess. Now they also need to let their expectations be known because unexpressed expectations hurt marriages. And I would say when Jenny's disappointed8:50 in me or I'm disappointed in her8:51 It's hard to imagine. It's confusing, but8:55 Now we're human.8:56 It does happen.8:57 Yeah. But it's it's almost always an unexpressed expectations And and our expectation. And I'll, you know, think why why didn't she do this? And then I, no, Randy, you need to look in the mirror. You9:09 forgot to let Jenny know what you were expecting. Yeah.9:12 So often in premarital counseling, we'll talk about expectations, but then we kinda stop talking about it as we go through years of marriage and we continue to have expectations. I know there's times I have9:24 great expectations of you and I don't verbalize it and then you're guessing.9:28 Mhmm.9:29 And that's not fair.9:30 Yeah.9:30 Because that's an unrealistic unspoken expectation.9:33 1 of the things with expectations, they should be requested. We need to avoid sentences. Even if there's politeness with the police because sentences feel9:45 like demands, commands, and it doesn't give a freedom of choice. And it's such a little thing and it's a big thing in a marriage. It makes a huge difference. So if I9:57 said to you, you can see how this feels, Greg and Aaron, please switch seats. You know, even though I said please, I didn't give you the freedom of choice to say no thank you. Yeah. I, in a sense, ordered you to do10:09 it. I was about to10:10 get up and do it. He's he's the authority.10:12 He's very compliant.10:13 Oh, yeah. I like10:15 your sense of humor again. You guys have a terrific sense of humor, both of you.10:20 But make Jesus married. Right? Yeah.10:23 That that so what I suggest to couples is a will you please. Mhmm. Will you, please and I actually read a psychological study that found will is softer on the ears10:35 than would you please or could you please or can you please.10:39 Okay.10:40 So it would be a will you please switch seats10:43 Mhmm.10:44 And then you could say, sure. We'll move. Or you could say, no. Thank you, and then we'll talk about that. But that is just huge. And I ask couples to ask when will you please of each other every single day?10:56 And and when they meet each other's expectation, could be, will you please give me a hug when you come home? Will you please put your shoes in the closet when you come home? Will you please empty the dishwasher?11:08 And when they meet each other's expectation, with that request, again, expectation should be requested. It just makes a huge difference in a marriage relationship. And I I've had11:20 in fact, I just had a husband the other day who runs a business. He's calls it his little secret. He says, I use what the will you please with my employees now. And it's made a huge difference in my business.11:30 That's really good.11:31 Yeah. That is good.11:32 Or even I I love it when people like, when we're talking about emotions and they'll say, well, I feel like or I feel that. And and they're really not talking about a feeling. Mhmm. They're expressing an opinion.11:44 Yeah. But it's it's framed as if we heard a a feeling word. I like how you're saying Mhmm. Let's be aware of instead of making a demand, let's frame it.11:56 Let's actually say it as a request. Mhmm. Because then that person has the option.12:00 Oh, yes.12:01 Like, we didn't switch seats.12:02 You you feel like you have freedom of choice, alien. I'm not ordering you around, and it just, does not hurt our friendship. Yeah.12:09 So what do you say to that couple? Because I'm I'm thinking of the couples I see where there's 1 that is like, no. I'm not gonna do that. And even asking me, will you please? I say no. And they say no12:21 consistently around requests. What do you say to them?12:25 Well, if if it's a Christian couple, Aaron, that's a good question. I I just come back to scripture and say scripture says be kind, compassionate, tenderhearted. And so, you know,12:37 I'm gonna ask the say, the 1 spouse, how kind is that when your spouse asks you, will you please? Now it needs to be reasonable. And the other thing, there needs to be a12:49 window of time. So if, if a spouse says, you know, will you please put your cup in the dishwasher, that takes about 10 seconds.12:58 Right.12:58 Okay? If they say, will you please empty the dishwasher? Well, it could be before you go to bed tonight.13:04 Yeah.13:04 If they ask, will you please mow the grass? Well, then maybe the window of time is 2 days. You know, they need to kinda figure out time when they're gonna get the grass mowed. So if it needs to be reasonable, and I13:16 think, you know, stress to them, this is a reasonable expectation. Will you please put your cup in the dishwasher by way of example? And, hopefully, that spouse will say, hey. I wanna be kind. Mhmm.13:28 Mhmm.13:28 I remember early like, literally a week or 2 into our marriage as we got back from our honeymoon, I had a mother who loved to get up13:40 early. She was cheerful. She'd be singing. It was literally the most annoying thing, but she loved to to cook breakfast for us. So there always seemed to be this really beautiful13:52 breakfast awaiting me as I, you know, woke up in the morning. So I just assumed that's that's what would happen within our marriage. Because I remember asking her about 2 weeks into our marriage, are you are you14:04 upset with me? And she's Erin's going, why? Well, I've just you haven't made breakfast for us at all. And it was the funniest thing, which she was like, you know, if you want14:16 a hot breakfast, you can light your cornflakes on fire.14:19 But, but14:20 it There's your sense of humor. Here we go.14:22 Now that would be a good will you please will you please fix breakfast for me?14:26 Yeah. Yeah. But what he's not saying is I was working night shift as a nurse. So it probably wasn't realistic on the days that I was14:34 I am.14:34 Coming getting home at 714:36 Which is 45 AM. But I like what you're saying because I had I had no idea that that at some level, that was my expectation.14:43 Yes. Yeah. Yeah.14:43 And I'm perfectly capable of making my own breakfast or breakfast for us. It just was funny that that I I just thought that's what would happen.14:52 Oh, sure.14:52 Because that's it was there was always breakfast for me. Yeah. And it would that was the first moment that I think in our marriage that I went, I wonder what what else I'm thinking should happen or might happen. I15:04 just remember laughing.15:06 When I'm disappointed, it's usually my mistake. I forgot to do will you please with Jenny. Yeah.15:11 Mhmm. So good. I think expectations are so important to talk about. So I'm glad that we spent some extra time on that. But doctor Schroeder, I'd love to hear about the 4 practical wisdom habits that15:23 you talk about in your book.15:25 And I, I call those the 4 practical wisdom habits. If I do a rewrite on my book, Greg and Aaron, I wish I had called them the stay in love habits.15:34 Okay.15:34 Because they're really the fallen love habits. And so what do couples do when they're dating? Well, they look into each other's eyes and they talk to each other for hours, you know, and,Show more In this video 0:00 The Power of Expressed Expectations in Marriage15:35 Practical Habits to Stay in Love29:07 Guidelines for Healthy Conflict Resolution36:52 Breaking Passive Aggression and Building Connection44:44 Rekindling Connection and Seeking Help
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