Skip to content Talking with Your Kids About Sex with John Fort Nov 2 · 57 min ...more
Talking with Your Kids About Sex with John Fort
November 2, 2026 · 57 min
Drs. Greg and Erin Smalley interview John Fort about how children learn about sex, intimacy, and relationships by watching their parents’ marriage. Also in this episode, you'll hear how recovery is possible for anyone with a history of trauma, pornography, or addiction and how to work with your spouse so that recovery continues.
Series Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage with Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley November 2, 2026 · 57 min · Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage with Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley
Drs. Greg and Erin Smalley interview John Fort about how children learn about sex, intimacy, and relationships by watching their parents’ marriage. Also in this episode, you'll hear how recovery is possible for anyone with a history of trauma, pornography, or addiction and how to work with your spouse so that recovery continues. ...more Show the full description Show less Drs. Greg and Erin Smalley interview John Fort about how children learn about sex, intimacy, and relationships by watching their parents’ marriage. Also in this episode, you'll hear how recovery is possible for anyone with a history of trauma, pornography, or addiction and how to work with your spouse so that recovery continues.
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In this video 0:00 Marriage as Our Children's First Sex Education13:00 Building Healthy Intimacy and Communication in Marriage31:00 Overcoming Past Trauma and Pursuing Sexual Healing43:00 Helping Parents Talk Openly with Kids About Sex55:00 Replacing Hurtful Words with Healing Communication
Marriage as Our Children's First Sex Education 0:00 Few years ago, we surveyed a bunch of Christian parents, and we asked them, why do you not talk with your kids about sex? They gave about twenty something different answers, but the number one was, I'm afraid my kid will0:11 find out about my past. Mhmm. We did had a a really unique opportunity to survey a bunch of Christian teenagers, and we asked them, why do you not talk with your parents about sex? Those teenagers only0:23 had two answers. And the number one was0:28 Wow. Kid.0:29 If the parent shared the mistakes that they made, you know, and that their imperfection at the kid's age, the kid would then understand, oh, you do understand how I feel so I can talk to you. I mean, it's kind of the0:40 thing that god does. He'll find the most broken person and then use them to minister in the exact area that they were most broken in.0:50 Mhmm. So true.0:58 Welcome to Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage. I'm doctor Greg Smalley.1:02 And I'm doctor Erin Smalley. Today, we're talking about a topic that connects marriage and parenting. So really maranting. Marrying? Oh, I'm okay. Maranting.1:12 Oh, you should, like, trademark that. It's a good point.... Millions. We could retire.
1:17 I I wonder if that's already been trademarked.
1:19 Probably.
1:19 Yes. But when it comes to conversations about sex, sexuality, relationships, one of the most powerful lessons our kids learn may come from watching us in our marriage.
1:30 Yeah. I mean, really think about that for a second. So if your children, you know, one day build a marriage that looks like yours, you know, what would you be most grateful that they're
1:41 learning from watching you? What would you change? That's kind of a scary question. Now I'm thinking, jeez. I like that they watch you. Now I'm wondering where do they seem
1:53 Ah. In how I show up. We'll get into that. I'll go back to my therapist.
1:59 I'll get that all worked out.
2:00 Pull each of our children tonight.
2:02 That's fair. Well, our guest today is gonna explain, you know, how a healthy marriage relationship can help parents guide and disciple their children.
2:11 And later, we're gonna answer a listener question from a wife who wants to build a healthier intimate relationship with her husband in her marriage, but she's asking for help because she experienced sexual trauma
2:23 in her past.
2:24 Yeah. And those are are difficult topics. And so at some point in the show, we're gonna have a little bit of fun because we're gonna talk about some specific examples of how couples can
2:35 replace, you know, kind of those reactive or hurtful comments, you know, as we're trying to talk through things. Mhmm. And let's say that I'm being really impatient and I'm... Or or you're real
2:47 animated, real emotional. I tell you to calm down. Hey. Just just read
2:51 the facts. We're gonna talk about the right response.
2:54 Yes. I can't wait. Instead of saying something like that, we're gonna give an alternative that will keep you out of the doghouse within your communication.
3:04 Today, we're joined by author, speaker, and ministry leader, John Fort. John's work through the organization Be Broken helps parents and couples navigate conversations about sex, relationships,
3:16 and faith. He's the author of Don't Stress Talking Sex, and he encourages couples to build a marriage full of meaningful conversations about sex so that their kids will emulate it
3:28 in their future relationships. So, John, it's great to have you here today. Welcome to Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage.
3:35 Well, it's great to be here. Thank you for inviting me.
3:37 Yeah. This is a great topic. And, you know, often when you think about people who write or speak on, you know, sex education, a lot of times that... That's coming from maybe the academic researchers, the
3:49 experts, but you really came to it through your own story, which we absolutely love. So maybe what would you want our listeners to know about kind of that journey that that you
4:01 are on, and and what did it teach you about why marriage matters so much within this topic?
4:07 Well, a person who knows my story might think that my story disqualifies me from writing a book like this or helping parents talk with their kids about sex. But, so let me give you a little background.
4:20 My father was a pastor when I was really young, but he pastored a church that was too small to afford a actual salary for him. And so he worked two jobs. Okay. Worked a forty hour week job and
4:31 testifying pastor
4:32 Wow.
4:33 Of a country church. I was left alone a lot. I was the oldest kid. My mom was taking care of younger ones. And so starting at age five, I was seeking the attention of older neighbor, twelve year old boy,
4:44 who introduced me to sex, basically sexually abused me. And that went on for nine years until I was fourteen. Wow. And so, I was learned that I was exposed to pornography around age nine.
4:57 No one ever talked to me about any of those things, so I... It it wasn't going to talk to my parents about what I saw. There was a time I tried to ask my mother. I'd heard these teenage doctor, the one who was sexually
5:07 abusing me, questions about... He was saying something I didn't understand, and I tried to ask my mother, and her reaction was to completely freak out. What I got out of that was do not ask your parents any questions
5:19 about these things because that's not gonna go well. Right? That led to a lot of problematic behavior. I was a highly sexual kid in middle school and high school, and I thought it would all go away when
5:31 I went to college. It didn't. I thought it would all go away when I got married Yeah. In my twenties, and it didn't. And things got very, very bad... Far out of hand to the point that I was even
5:43 eventually arrested for some behavior that I had done. So that setup, you do not think this is a person who's gonna go on and teach people how to have a good sexual relationship
5:55 much less parents. Right? Mhmm. But that is still the background I went through years, decades of therapy, all kinds of of things of god reforming my wife and I. My wife and I obviously,
6:07 stayed together. Everyone told her to divorce me, but, we were both dedicated to trying to figure it out. So that's kinda the background setting
6:16 Wow.
6:16 To the unlikely story of me going on to make this part of my profession.
6:22 Wow. But it makes a lot of sense, John, that your journey inspired you to help others, especially that conversation between parents and kids. You... It sounds like you tried to have some of those
6:34 conversations with your parents, your mom, and it didn't go well. So I love that you're using what you went through for good to help others have a different experience.
6:44 I mean, it's kind of the thing that god does. He'll find the most broken person and then use them to minister in the exact area that they were most broken in.
6:54 Mhmm. So true. You talked a lot about that marriage is really our first sex ed class our kids ever take. Tell us more about that, and what are kids really... What are our kids really learning as they're
7:06 watching mom and dad?
7:08 Well, kids watch how parents interact.
7:10 Yeah.
7:11 And how they see their parents interacting is what they come to imagine a close relationship works... Looks like.
7:18 Mhmm.
7:19 They may say... See things they don't like and then try not to emulate that, but in general, they will try to emulate what they see and believe that to be what intimacy is.
7:29 Which is why one of the things that that that Aaron and I do... I always try to do this. So when we're affectionate in front of our kids, you know, holding hands or, you know, kissing, you
7:41 would... When our kids were younger, they would, you know, ew, you know, gross. And I would always stop them and say, woah. Don't speak that over our marriage. Said, of all people,
7:53 you guys should be the ones who love seeing his kiss because that just means that our marriage is strong and you benefit from that. Mhmm. And so we would we
8:05 would try to reinforce, like, hey.
8:08 This is a positive.
8:09 Home. Don't don't say gross to us kissing. You should be thankful. Now, obviously, yeah, it's it's gonna gross them out, but we wanted to really give them... Giving them that that clear
8:21 message. What what are some of those messages then, John, that you see maybe parents, you know, unintentionally give their kids around sex, around affection, intimacy, all of
8:32 that?
8:33 If they see one parent treating the other person like an object for them... Because that's what I learned sex was for was getting pleasure from somebody
8:45 else for me. Yeah. That's what pornography and that kind of thing teach. Right? And let's face it. Most of us, men and women, grew up with that kind of message
8:57 around everything, and so unintentionally, parents can do that. They think they're being cute, but maybe the dad or even the wife is is doing or saying something towards the other that to a kid comes across like
9:08 objectifying and not treating them with honor, if that makes sense.
9:12 Yeah.
9:13 Certainly don't want them to say them making comments about the other person's body that are are derogatory in any way. I mean, let's face it. We all get old, and that's never pretty. Right? And so we don't want to
9:25 be... We don't want to speak
9:26 for yourself. Okay?
9:30 We don't wanna be calling that out in front of the kids. Right?
9:33 So Aaron still calls me a trophy husband. So in front of our kids, especially.
9:38 I know that I'm the one that calls you that.
9:41 I might You claim that title. Claim that title Yeah. Just to reinforce that. Just...
9:45 Let's just keep it clear.
9:48 But but you're right because because I know... Like, I'll hear, people talk about that idea of, you know, of objectifying a spouse or, sexualizing a
10:00 spouse, lusting after a spouse almost in the frame of, hey. We're married. Like, that's okay. Like, we should be doing that. Like, I should lust after my
10:12 wife. For for a married couple that maybe they don't understand that... Well, wait. There's a difference between maybe objectifying or lusting. I don't... How do you help a
10:24 couple maybe understand the difference between maybe a a... An honoring way of of, you know, flirting or being playful in that way versus kinda what you were talking about maybe
10:35 objectifying our spouse?
10:37 Well, for for me personally, I mean, this is personal. I had to learn... I had to relearn all of that after I was married thinking, like, wait. I don't understand. Like, my wife wasn't responding very positively to my
10:48 attempts to connect with her because she could see through that it was completely selfish.
10:54 Right.
10:54 And
10:54 and so I didn't understand that. That was the model I was shown. You know?
10:58 I thought
10:59 that's how it was supposed to be. So thinking about giving physical touch, whether it's like my hand on her hand or on her shoulder when it's not a hope to get sex later. In other words,
11:10 to set the boundary that this physical affection is its own thing. And so the the spouse and my wife isn't gonna respond like he's just showing he cares for me. He's not
11:22 hoping Yeah. Something happens later.
11:24 He's wanting to connect in that way, not just hoping that that act leads to another act.
11:31 Yeah. Right. Right. And so this kind of thing, the kids can see all that. They can see the way that parents look back and forth towards each other. They can see resentment if if that happens as a result. So, and it
11:43 takes time. We have this ridiculous idea that we're supposed to get married and know how sex works immediately. That's just not true. And whether a person arrives to marriage aversion or not,
11:55 either way, we've gotta figure this out, and it's gonna take time.
11:59 Mhmm.
11:59 Saying kind things to each other, showing you appreciate things. I tell guys... Because I I also work with men in recovery.
12:06 Okay.
12:06 And so I tell men in recovery who are complaining. It's like, I've been in recovery a long time. I'm doing well. My wife still doesn't want anything to do with me. And I say, see, you know, have you ever thought about,
12:15 like, doing the dishes
12:16 every once in a while?
12:17 It's it's like
12:19 Now you're just talking crazy. Come on.
12:22 Yeah. And so the thing is, like, the... Showing that you are doing something for another person to care for them makes a big difference. And that... We don't think of
12:32 that as intimacy, but I'm sorry. It is. Well, even on the flip side of what you said, we're joking about, hey. Have you ever, you know, thought about doing dishes? One of the things that I noticed
12:44 for myself that that I had kinda bought into that I really didn't realize that I thought this is that I heard teachers and authors and speakers kind of
12:56 imply that, hey, guys. If you vacuum, if you do more chores around the house, if you do the dishes, oh, man, that will put her in the mood. She willShow more
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