# Love Languages, Expectations and Real Marriage Questions Ashley and her guests answer viral posts about car doors, groceries, church and heartbreak, and keep coming back to one idea: know yourself, say what you need, and do not assume the worst. Source: Pray.com — https://www.pray.com/articles/love-languages-expectations-and-real-marriage-questions Author: Adam Mesa Category: Love & Relationships Published: 2026-10-22 Last revised: 2026-10-22 --- ## Key takeaways - **Expectations need words.** The group agreed that an unspoken expectation, such as a door opened or a gift given, turns into resentment when nobody says it out loud. - **Finish what you start.** Gestures that begin in courtship should be ones you are willing to keep up for years. - **Know what you actually like.** Social media shows a small slice of other people's relationships, so your own love language is a better guide than anyone's feed. - **Talk about church before the wedding.** Where you worship and where you will raise children is a conversation for dating, not for week one of marriage. - **Build up before you tear down.** Several stories were judged on a few lines, and the women kept saying that we rarely have the full context. - **Leave room for God's work.** We can pray, encourage and point someone toward Christ, but we cannot do the saving. ## The woman who stayed in the car The conversation on this episode of Beyond I Do began with a clip going around social media, which Ashley said she thought came from a Tyler Perry movie. She had only seen a snippet on TikTok. In it, a wife stays in the car all night because her husband did not open her door, and he goes inside and falls asleep. She told him in the morning that she felt disrespected and unhonored. The women had little patience for the standoff. Ashley said her own husband, Pastor Adam Mesa, does not open the car door for her, and she would rather get out and get on with her night. One guest said she would rather have a man of good character who loves God than a man who never misses a door. If the habit mattered to her, she said, the mature move was to say so: tell him it would mean a lot, and ask if he could start. They also gave the husband his share of the blame. His failure to notice that his wife was not in the house was, to them, the real problem. As one of the women put it, "it's about the fact that you notice my presence." They called the wife petty for not speaking up, and the husband wrong for not noticing. ## Know what you love before you compare From there the talk moved to expectations. Ashley shared advice she was given early in her marriage: don't start something you are not willing to finish. She described serving Adam's plate at gatherings as an example. If you begin it, you have set a standard that nobody asked you to set. "Don't start something you're not willing to just follow through with," Ashley said, and she added that courting habits should not fade once the other person has been won. The group then turned to comparison. One guest said social media can make you want flowers every week until you stop and ask whether you ever wanted them. Another said she can name her love language without a second thought: physical touch, where a pinky held is enough. She added that someone who prefers quality time, or having their car washed, may not care about a necklace. Seen through a feed, they said, a relationship is only "a five percent snippet of the actual relationship." They encouraged surrounding yourself with people who will say honestly that marriage can include a silent first five minutes in the car. Ashley said a friend who had been married nearly ten years had never thought about her husband's love language. Ashley and Adam, she said, go into a toolkit when they are upset with each other and ask what would help in that moment. She described a disagreement in front of their executive team, where they pushed on and moved on, and she traced her ability to do that to being each other's best friends who wish to see each other win. She asked whether you would still respect this person, and still enjoy who he is, on a day when you are not on the same team. ## Three hundred dollars and a cart of groceries A post Alize sent in described a man whose child's mother asked for three hundred dollars for groceries. He ordered a full cart from Walmart and had it delivered. Commenters said he should have asked for a list. The women leaned toward giving him credit. They noted that delivery fees and tips could push the total well past what she asked for, and that he may have wanted to spare her a trip out with the kids. They also said she could have simply asked for the money, or thanked him and made do, and that she could ask for what was missing next time. Ashley added that she and Adam now talk through where the money is going, and that either a transfer or an Instacart order could say the same thing: he is there. Underneath this was a plea about how we treat one another. They saw a habit of assuming a co-parent is being petty. "Can we be quicker to, like, build up versus build down?" one of them asked. They said men need to grow up and step up, and also that men who are trying should get some room to breathe. ## When a marriage ends over a church The next post was about a couple who split three months after the wedding because they could not agree on a church. The husband wanted his wife to join his; she refused because she led the children's department at hers. The group said they did not know the full story, but their first reaction was that this conversation belongs well before the wedding. They suggested asking each other where you fellowship, what the teaching is like, and where you would raise children, and they listed community, age range and diversity as questions to weigh. They also spoke honestly about the wife's side. Ashley told her own story: within the first month of marriage, Adam told her that her niece and nephews were not her kids. She cried, because she wanted them to feel included, and she came to see a people-pleasing habit in how she gave of herself. In her telling, the lesson was that she did not have to prove her love, and the group said the same applied to the woman in the post. They also noted that the word divorced carries weight in the Christian community, and that divorce involves a real season of grief. ## A hard question, handled gently The last post was from a woman who wrote that she had committed over thirty-five abortions and, now married, had been told by a doctor that she cannot give birth. The women called it heartbreaking. They said they did not know what circumstances lay behind it, and they resisted the cruel comments online. Ashley said she had counseled young people with Adam who chose abortion out of fear or in unhealthy relationships. Some of the women she has spoken with, she said, carry a weight, and healing has to come first, with repentance and the mercy of Christ. Ashley also said where her conviction lies: she believes life begins at conception and that God has a plan for every life. She told of walking with a young woman who was unsure whether to keep her baby, and said that God would equip her. They spoke of hope for the woman in the post, and noted that following Jesus does not mean everything falls into place at once. They also said that we should not try to be someone's savior. "We want to do God's work, but we are not the father. We are children," Ashley said. We can send a prayer, a message or a Bible text, and then step aside so God can work. ## What this means for you Much of this conversation is practical. If something matters to you in a relationship, say it plainly and early, and be honest with yourself about whether it is your own desire or something you saw online. If you are single, learn what you love and what you will not accept, and be at peace with the idea of being alone rather than staying somewhere that costs you your worth. When you hear a story about someone else's marriage, remember how little you know of it. The women kept returning to context, patience and grace, and to prayer for people whose stories look broken from the outside.