# Does Appearance Still Matter in Marriage? Adam and Ashley Mesa Adam and Ashley Mesa talk openly about weight, confidence and intimacy in eleven years of marriage, and why caring for your own health is part of caring for your spouse. Source: Pray.com — https://www.pray.com/articles/does-appearance-still-matter-in-marriage-adam-and-ashley-mesa Author: Adam Mesa Category: Love & Relationships Published: 2026-10-22 Last revised: 2026-10-22 --- ## Key takeaways - **Self-care reaches into the whole marriage.** Adam believes how a person looks after their body affects their mood, their energy and their closeness with a spouse. - **Habits often slip after the wedding.** Ashley described how, in their early years, nobody expected much from the other about health, and both of them let it go. - **Self-criticism wears on both people.** Adam told Ashley that her constant negativity about herself was affecting him too. - **Health is more than weight.** Adam's own story involved a hormone problem, and he says he did not use it as an excuse. - **Children learn from what we model.** The couple talked about the habits they are building with their two sons. - **Balance matters.** Ashley has found peace in sleep and moderation, and Adam warns that there is an unhealthy extreme too. ## From height jokes to a bigger question Adam and Ashley Mesa open this episode of the Beyond I Do podcast with some friendly bickering over how tall Ashley really is. Ashley says she is five ten, and Adam teases her about posture and age as her birthday and their wedding anniversary approach. The couple will have been together thirteen years and married eleven. The jokes lead into a more serious question: does it still matter how we look and how we care for ourselves once we are married? Adam thinks it does. As he put it, *"it really all comes down to how well do you take care of yourself."* He says there were years when he looked and felt his best, and years when he did not, and the difference was whether he was looking after himself. ## When the habits change after the wedding Adam says this pattern shows up often, and he sees it among the couples he marries and the young people in his church. In his view, many women work hard at their health while hoping to meet someone and marry, and then let it slide once the wedding is over. He mentions the "freshman fifteen" and jokes about a "marriage thirty." He adds that he does not think men are blameless, and he says that leaving a spouse is not a godly standard for anyone. Their own story fits some of this. Adam says Ashley was very fit before they married, and that after the wedding they were broke, eating a lot of junk food, and slowly gaining weight. Ashley agrees and adds her own reason. She felt loved, and there was no expectation between them about health, so she figured her husband would love her whatever her size. Adam points out that he was not innocent either. He says he was guilty of eating fast food all the time, and that men can let their grooming go as well. He tells of discipling men who show up with an unkempt beard or hair. In one case, a man insisted that his wife had no problem with it. Adam had him call her on speakerphone, and she said she did wish he took better care of himself. ## When self-criticism gets in the way of closeness Ashley describes how unhappy she was with herself during those early years. She wore big shawls and baggy clothes even when it was hot. A woman at church once told her she had a big backside, and Ashley went home and cried. Adam says he told her the woman meant it as a compliment. Ashley explains that she grew up as an athlete and had never really looked at how her body presented. She still pictured herself as a nineteen-year-old with a six pack running the soccer field, so even a kind remark caught her off guard. Adam says he was still attracted to her, and he told her so. What troubled him was something else. In his words, *"what is making me not desire you is how much you don't like you."* He describes her asking for the lights off, covering up, and criticizing herself daily, and he felt that none of it was fair to either of them. He also asked her to stop talking so negatively about herself, because *"it's not healthy for you, and it's not healthy for me."* His concern was that he might begin to doubt his own attraction after hearing it so often, though he says he never had that doubt. Ashley says two things moved her. They had an honest conversation, and she looked at herself in the mirror and remembered how hard she had trained as an athlete. A run left her chafing, the scale confirmed what she already knew, and she decided to change. ## Health is more than a number on the scale Adam is careful to say that he is not only talking about sex or looks. He argues that people who feel tired, groggy and emotional because of poor health often have a hard time connecting with their spouse. He says he was that person about four years ago. At thirty-one, he got winded climbing a flight of stairs and strained his leg while wrestling around with Ashley. That told him something was wrong. A friend named Cruz later told him he was worried Adam might not live to see all that God wanted to do through him. Cruz suggested seeing a hormone doctor, and the testing showed a hormone problem. Adam has since lost seventy pounds. He says the diagnosis explained a lot, but it was not an excuse, because modern science let him do something about it. Adam also notes that the last several years were not simple for Ashley. She lost a great deal of weight quickly after their son Matthias was born, and she was sick with postpartum Graves' disease. The couple says both ends of that stretch were unhealthy. ## Passing healthy habits to their sons The Mesas raise two boys who are active in sports. They limit snacks, buy the cleaner versions of chips, and allow a weekly cheat meal that the boys call being a "big bag." Adam says his own weight struggles in junior high, and the asthma he still deals with, started when his family stopped being able to take him to sports practice. He wants his sons to build habits that carry them into adulthood. They are also realistic that bodies differ. One son would gain weight quickly if he stopped working out, and the other can eat ice cream every day and keep a six pack. The goal, Ashley says, is for the boys to care about nutrition without being consumed by weight. ## Stewarding the body without obsessing over it Ashley is candid that she is still not fully satisfied with her weight, but she has found a better balance. She sleeps seven to nine hours a night, which she says has helped her more than early workouts. She feels more peace and contentment, and she no longer panics if she misses a workout. She closes with a thought about stewardship: *"how do I basically steward this body because God says your body is a temple and your body is of the Lord."* Adam adds a caution. Some people are obsessed with fitness and lack joy because they fear putting on a pound, and there is a pendulum with an unhealthy extreme on both sides. Adam also puts the issue plainly to couples whose marriage has gone flat: *"If you don't take care of yourself, why would you want your husband to take care of you?"* He says the same applies the other way around. He believes that a person of any age who starts caring for their body will see it in their face, skin and energy. ## What this means for you If your marriage feels dull, the Mesas suggest you start by looking at yourself before you look at your spouse. Ask whether you have energy, whether you are sleeping, and whether you are speaking kindly about yourself. A date night may help, but you cannot replace your own health with one. Look at the way you talk about your body in front of your spouse, too. Adam's experience is that constant self-criticism does not stay private. If that is you, you might ask a trusted friend or a doctor to help you take the first step. For those who feel stuck, Adam's story is a reminder that a physical cause may be involved, and that there is no shame in getting it checked. Whatever you do, do it with your spouse and your future together in mind.