# Christian Dating: Three Women on Asking Hard Questions Early On a marriage podcast, Ashley, Erica and Sanaz looked back at their single years and shared what they would tell anyone who is dating today. Source: Pray.com — https://www.pray.com/articles/christian-dating-three-women-on-asking-hard-questions-early Author: Adam Mesa Category: Love & Relationships Published: 2026-10-22 Last revised: 2026-10-22 --- ## Key takeaways - **What you received growing up shapes what you look for.** The women traced their craving for affection and affirmation back to childhood homes. - **Not knowing your worth makes dating harder.** Ashley looked back on her dating years and said they were not the fun she once called them. - **Good relationships can start without a search.** Erica, Sanaz and Ashley each met their husbands when they were not looking for a type. - **Character matters more than your type on paper.** Both Erica and Sanaz married men who did not fit what they would have picked. - **Ask about faith and intentions early.** The group said these questions should come before you are emotionally invested. - **Marriage is harder than dating.** If a man will not put in effort while dating, they said, you should not expect it later. ## A marriage podcast that turned to singleness This episode of Beyond I Do began with lighter talk. Host Ashley sat down with Erica and Sanaz, and the three compared notes on husbands who sometimes want to be held, and on how differently couples handle touch. The conversation soon moved to where our habits with affection come from. Erica said her mother was not affectionate and that she grew up with rules: this is what you are supposed to do, so do it. She said she noticed that she later sought affirmation from men and other people. With her own daughters she decided to change that, because she knows they like to hear that they are doing well. Sanaz described a similar mother who did not give much physical affection or praise, and a father who was affectionate. In her twenties she went looking for that kind of touch, and she called herself the friend who was always touching whoever she was talking to. Those stories set up the main question of the hour: what were you looking for when you were single? ## Dating before you know your worth Ashley said she and her husband Adam had been talking about her past, and he asked why she went on so many dates. She told the group she did not have a good answer then. "I didn't know what I was looking for," she said. She also said she did not know her value or her worth. She had a relationship with God, but she was not seeking him about the relationship he had for her. Looking back, she said, those years were not as much fun as people assumed. She described putting herself through immature relationships and feeling insecure, needy and less than. She also pushed back on advice she hears given to single people: if you stay close to Jesus, he will simply deliver the right man. She called that untrue and unfair to tell someone who is single. The others agreed that church does not always produce a spouse, and that the dating world can look much the same as it did years ago. ## Erica: the friend who turned out to be the one Erica was married once before. She said she did everything she thought a wife should do and tried hard to stay, then realized she was the only one fighting. After it ended she decided she would never settle down, and she told people she did not want a relationship. If a man said he liked her, she stopped talking to him. Then she became friends with Aaron, a coworker. They went to lunch, drove to Vegas, and talked about everything they had been through, with no judgment. She knew he was dating other people and did not mind, since she did not want commitment anyway. That changed when Aaron won a work prize trip to Hawaii and took his ex-girlfriend. Erica said it kept bothering her, and she finally understood why: she liked him. She called to say they could not hang out anymore, and he talked her into coming over. He told her nothing had happened in Hawaii, and she said he never lied to her. They talked all night and agreed to be exclusive. They are now going on nineteen years married. Erica said she never had a type, and she enjoyed Aaron's simplicity and honesty. "I was not looking for something and there he was," she said. ## Sanaz: dating with a different recipe Sanaz was candid about her own history. She said that in college, guys gave her attention for the first time, and she did not know how to handle it. The only recipe she learned was to meet a guy and sleep with him, hoping he would then want her. It produced one situationship after another, with men who would never call her their girlfriend. She came to Christ at around 26 or 27, and in her thirties she decided to stop giving herself away. She met Nathan when she was 32. A friend who introduced them told her, "Stop doing what you've always done." So they spent about six weeks in a group of friends, then went on a few dates. Sanaz remembers Nathan telling her, "I don't date to date. I date with the intention of marrying." He said he would pray, bring his family into it and decide by the end of the year. She said he kept his word. They met in April, he asked her to marry him in October, and they were married in March, ten months after they met. She said he was not her type on paper, and that he had the character she needed. She also did not claim she had been searching in the wrong place. "I just was going about it the wrong way," she said of her twenties. ## Be open, and put yourself out there Ashley shared her own story briefly. She had just moved back home after two years in Chicago, thought of herself as a strong, independent Christian woman, and then met Adam, whom she remembered from high school. They met at the end of May, and by the end of June he asked to date her, in groups at first. She said what won her over was that he was real and honest. Her advice to singles was to stay open to conversation with anyone, whether a coworker or a longtime friend. The group also made the case for action. If you never go out on dates, one of them asked, who exactly are you dating? They said God could seat someone next to you in worship, but that you should still put yourself out there, including on dating apps, with full transparency about what you want. ## Ask the questions that matter early Much of the second half was about what to ask. The women said that if you say Jesus is your Lord, "Are you a Christian?" should be the first question on a date or a dating app, because it is a nonnegotiable. They suggested follow-ups: what church do you go to, what time, what was the last sermon you heard, and who mentors you. They also warned that a man who says he goes to church but always has a workout at 11 is telling you something. They described why this matters. If a man is not under any authority bigger than himself, they said, selfishness tends to follow, and priorities will show up in how he treats a wife and children. They also warned women against deciding they can lead a man to Christ and then being frustrated when he does not lead. The same goes for other hard questions. One of the women described a friend who dated a man for two years without asking whether he wanted children, because she was afraid of the answer. Their point was that fear of seeming pushy can cost you years. A man who is ready for marriage, they said, will respect a woman who says what she wants, and one who is put off by it is not ready. ## What this means for you If you are single, the women's stories offer some honest starting points. Ask yourself what you learned about love at home, and whether you know your own worth. Be ready to say plainly what you want, including your faith, and to hear honest answers early, while leaving is still easy. If you are married, the conversation is a reminder that the habits you bring into a marriage, good and hard, usually started somewhere. And if you are waiting, take heart from the three who spoke: each said she met her husband in an ordinary place, when she was not hunting for a type.